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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Generous Dh

74 replies

Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 13:07

Dh is on a roll salary wise and has recently had an additional windfall. Sil is having a hard time financially. He wants to give her £12k to pay off her debts. This is in addition to 10k given 6 months ago, plus a monthly 'salary'.

I know they are close, but dh is blind to the fact that he is singled out as the person she cries to when in trouble. I asked him if this would be a one off but he refused to say yes. So basically he will pay her debts for life.

The reason I think I am being unreasonable is because Dh earns the money not me and our family will not go without. He is known in his family as the one everyone leans on.

OP posts:
hippydippybaloney · 25/10/2016 13:08

He pays his sister a monthly salary?

Does she work herself? Is she personally doing anything to solve her problems or just assuming your DH will?

NavyandWhite · 25/10/2016 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mouldycheesefan · 25/10/2016 13:13

No. sorry I wouldn't want him to do this. Unless there is some reason why she is not able to live independently as an adult.

rollonthesummer · 25/10/2016 13:14

How much does he give her as a monthly salary??

Who else is he bankrolling?

I wouldn't be happy, no-it's not teaching her much. How old is she?

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 13:27

She's in her 50's and works part time, she has a health issue. I am actually not sure of the exact amount of monthly salary Dh gives her. I suppose I'm not feeling particularly magnanimous at the moment as she did not even make the effort to remember my birthday.

Dh is very close to sil. But he seems to be the go-to for several family members. A family member of his who died a long time ago was like this. He would support his mother, brother and sister. Dh loved and admired this family member and I guess has taken his place.

The reason for my post is, ours is a second marriage. We have no children together. Do I really have the right to tell him what to do with his money?

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 25/10/2016 13:30

if you don't go without then you cant dictate what he does with his money.

JoJoSM2 · 25/10/2016 13:31

I'm my book the income is the couple's and not just the husband's to do what he will.

I wouldn't stand for that unhealthy relationship and such ridiculous amount being given. Having said that, it's important to help relatives in need but 10k +22k a few months later is taking adventage of people.

myownprivateidaho · 25/10/2016 13:38

I think a lot depends on your financial situation -- income, savings, age of children and why you don't work etc. If this is not going to make a jot of difference to your family in the long term then yes, I do think you are being unreasonable. I'm biased as I do give my own sister financial support, and I pursued a high paying career partly so I could support her and my mum and dad. I would not take kindly to my DH telling me that I couldn't do this.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 13:39

Thanks Peggy that's what I was asking. He says she hasn't asked for anything, but in crying to Dh, that's what she's doing.

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 25/10/2016 13:39

Oh sorry I missed this:

The reason for my post is, ours is a second marriage. We have no children together. Do I really have the right to tell him what to do with his money?

I'm afraid you don't have the right to tell him what to do with his money. To put it bluntly, why should he support you and not his own sister?

hanban89 · 25/10/2016 13:45

Tricky tricky. I wouldn't like it. She's an adult and should be responsible for her own financial situation. Surely if he does clear her debts then he shouldn't need to pay her a 'wage' as she will have her own wages.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/10/2016 13:46

"A family member of his who died a long time ago was like this. He would support his mother, brother and sister. Dh loved and admired this family member and I guess has taken his place. "
That's a situation that rings a bell. Have you posted on this matter before OP?

SheldonCRules · 25/10/2016 13:51

Given he supports you and two children who are no blood relation to him, I don't think it's too much to extend that to his sister who despite health issues is still working.

His salary, his choice.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 25/10/2016 13:56

I can see why he wants to support his sister, but that's an awful lot of money - how has she managed to run up debts of over £20K when she's also working part time and getting a "salary" from your husband? He also needs to bear in mind that the money he gives her is essentially being taken away from his children.

Manumission · 25/10/2016 14:01

Given he supports you and two children who are no blood relation to him,

Is that info from an advanced search? Confused

YelloDraw · 25/10/2016 14:01

Think I need to know more information.

Did you used to work before you married DH?
Does he financially stupor your children?

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 14:11

Yes Whereyouleftit, I have posted once before about this. Myownprivateidaho that is exactly it- who am I to say he should support me and not his sister?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 14:17

One of the questions asked was how did sil manage to run up those debts. She has an adult dd who asks for sil's help, and sil can't say no, even though she clearly hasn't got it.

Hello I worked before and for a long time after I met dh but now have a disability which prevents me working. If I'm honest we don't need the money. Yes dh supports my children along with his.

Manumission, what makes you think I have two children?

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 25/10/2016 14:17

yellow. I'm in a bit of a financial stupor myself! Grin

Around. Tricky situation. I don't think you can tell him what to do with his money, but repeatedly bailing his sister out isn't really helping her deal with her budgeting in the long term. He sounds as though his wanting to be her 'saviour' is over-riding the more logical perspective that he isn't actually helping her improve her circumstances.

Perhaps he needs to minimise what he's offering her, but I'd struggle to suggest how you can bring this up without sounding resentful.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 14:18

Sorry Yello auto correct there

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 25/10/2016 14:20

If he can afford to support you and (2) children and these amounts don't impinge on your quality of life then yes he can afford to gift these amounts and to pay his sister a salary!

myownprivateidaho · 25/10/2016 14:22

Well, I do think that in the circumstances you can't really veto your DH's payments, unless they are going to dramatically impact family finances. However, it does seem like your DH could also support his sister by addressing the situation with his niece. What is going on with her that means she needs large sums of money? Can he help her manage her finances more effectively, can he sponsor her education, can he simply help his sister to find a way to say no to her DD (if appropriate)?

Ketsby · 25/10/2016 14:22

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago where a DH wanted to give £12k to his sister. It had replies.

What changed?

Manumission · 25/10/2016 14:26

Manumission, what makes you think I have two children?

Sheldon asserted that you did. I was querying where she got the info from too.

Manumission · 25/10/2016 14:29

Sheldon isn't your SIL is she? Smile