Generous Dh

[Aroundtheworldandback]

Dh is on a roll salary wise and has recently had an additional windfall. Sil is having a hard time financially. He wants to give her £12k to pay off her debts. This is in addition to 10k given 6 months ago, plus a monthly 'salary'.

I know they are close, but dh is blind to the fact that he is singled out as the person she cries to when in trouble. I asked him if this would be a one off but he refused to say yes. So basically he will pay her debts for life.

The reason I think I am being unreasonable is because Dh earns the money not me and our family will not go without. He is known in his family as the one everyone leans on.

It obviously makes him feel good to do it. You might find yourself locking horns with him if you get too involved and there's no point falling out about something he really wants to do, if it doesn't directly affect you. I would just say "It's lovely that you want to support SIL, that's the kind of amazing person you are, but I would just say she and her DD could well become reliant on you more and more, or even take it for granted, and I'm not sure that's a good thing for either of them longer term. What if she runs up another £12K debt in the next 6 months knowing you will likely pay it off, would you want to pay that off too if that happened? Is it good for SIL's own financial security?"

Like some other poster has said, has he made sure of his financial security for the future, for him and his DCs? Whatever he gives to her could be money put by for them.

Ultimately though, it's his money and if he's determined to do it then I wouldn't actually fall out with him about it but I would voice my opinion (nicely).

Mee2017 It is a second marriage and it's really his money to do as he chooses

Same with first marriages then, regradless of if there are children etc?
2nd marriages are not less than 1st what a awful thing to imply!

I am not going to fall out with him over it. How could I? He treats my children as his financially and in other ways, and the money is split equally between both his and mine in our will, his decision not mine. All the children would get life insurance should anything happen to him.

Being generous doesn't make him feel good, he's just like that. Looks like I'll just have to try and not get irritated next time sil takes him off to a quiet corner for a chat...

I'm possibly making assumptions, but the OP says this a few posts up.

Apologies, I missed that post. That does change my opinion somewhat. If OP did have a significant part to play in helping him establish himself, her resentment is definitely justified.

I think for me the issue is he is enabling poor money management -where is the debt arising from??

For me I would be purchasing a property for her to live in (and keeping ownership) and maybe paying certain bills etc for her rather than handing cash over - that way you keep the capital in the property for the long term. He may then decide to leave it to her in a will if he predeceases her and that then means that long term she is "looked after" rather than then having no one to turn to - just handing over money willy nilly is not really a long term plan is it

User147 I helped in a small way, he was newly divorced with no money but to be honest my input didn't make much difference, he has done well 100% on his own merit and would have done so without my support.

RB68 sil directly asked dh a couple of months back, in front of me, to leave her money in his will.

Sorry, but I don't agree with those who believe that it is 'his' money.
I don't have an issue with your dh helping his family financially .However, I wouldn't be happy with him supporting his sister by giving her a 'salary'. How will she learn how to manage her money if your dh is constantly bailing her out? Who will bail your dh out if things go wrong?
As far as I am concerned the money is joint money , he is your husband and you should have some right to determine where it goes.
Your dh sounds like a wonderful man , but I am afraid that he is being taking advantage of

But Areyoubeing, is Dh doing any more for his sister than he is doing for me? I'm wondering if this is how other posters see it.

And to the person who suggested it "only being a second marriage"- do you have a problem with second marriages?

I can see both sides. For me, I don't think it would be the money per se as much as the fear that my family's security could be adversely affected. The fear that my DH would lend money with the thought that 'Oh, I can make that up in savings next month' only to have some crisis occur in our own family. Or that when the time came to retire, our savings or pensions hadn't been funded as they should because he felt he could 'save another day'.

Do you think it would help you be at peace with this if you and DH sat down and had a discussion about family finances and savings? Agree that monthly expenses must always be paid first, family fun and needs must not be sacrificed, savings/investments and an 'emergency fund' should never fall below XXX amount, college funds contributed to, and that pension contributions must always be XXX percentage of earnings (with savings and pension contributions increasing as needed) before he gave money away?

Do you share finances? Because if so, then yes, you can say no. If your finances aren't shared, then no, you can't.

The poster who raised the issue of second marriages was making the point that since she has children from her first marriage she wouldn't go into a second marriage with the expectation that her property would be split 50/50 between her and her husband, because she feels that she is entitled to use her current savings and earnings on her children and that a new marriage shouldn't change that.

And yes, OP I do think that your DH is doing pretty much the same for his DSis as he is doing for you. You both need support because you're unable to work or work full-time because of health issues, and you both also have children who he also supports. I think it's great that he is able to support you both, and while I do agree with other posters that if you facilitated his career then you have a right to his money, if you didn't then I don't think he is obliged to use his money only on you and your kids. I think that if he was giving away so much that it affected you and your kids that would be a different matter.

Accrossthepond he can afford this without it affecting the future, but when sil asked him to include her in his will, I did wonder if she had thought about the fact that it would be the children who would be paying. Though of course it is entirely dh's choice if he wishes to do that.

cherrysoup yes we share finances and although I have equal access to money, it is all earned by him, so I'm not sure if that answers your question.

there are many couples who work out their finances so that they make a fair contribution to bills, then keep back spending money as their own. Which would make his spare money his to do what he wants with. If you think o fit like that, then the money aspect isn't such a big deal.

It's the fact that other people are using him. How much would SIL visit and care about her brother if the money dried up? How much was she around when he didn't have money? If she was there for him during the divorce it wouldn't bother me so much - they are obviously important to each other. But if she only around for the money it would make me furious, because they're using him. It would be the same if it were time being used up, or money.

Thank you Myownprivate that's a balanced view I guess which is what I wanted.

RB68 sil directly asked dh a couple of months back, in front of me, to leave her money in his will.

Asking anyone to leave you money in their will is taking the piss in my opinion!!

Absolutely KickAss it's the fact people use him and make him responsible for their problems. Sil loves Dh of that I have no doubt, but whether she would moan to him about her problems as much as she does if he had no money, I'm not at all convinced. And I fully agree with you re money and time being equally important.

" myownprivateidaho Tue 25-Oct-16 16:10:03

The poster who raised the issue of second marriages was making the point that since she has children from her first marriage she wouldn't go into a second marriage with the expectation that her property would be split 50/50 between her and her husband, because she feels that she is entitled to use her current savings and earnings on her children and that a new marriage shouldn't change that."

Yes, that is what I meant and I think it depends on age at second marriage too and if you have chidlren within the second marriage. Once you are heading for 50 with a second marriage on the whole you probably want 100% of your assets including your house to go to the children and your new partner/spouse to move out so the marital home can be sold and go to your chidlren on death just as the new spouse can keep their own property which they had before you got together too.

The way I protect myself against this is by not moving a man in actually and therefore being allowed to house and feed and keep as many adult children as I like without fear or censure. However I am muddying the waters a bit by mentioning children. I suspwect most people would want their children helped but would not help their siblings in which the same way as they are not exactly fruit of your loins.

He is, but had no money when they met. I feel like this is a parallel universe, what happened to 'family money' that is usually espoused?

Gosh, I wish he was my brother, I've never asked a sole in my family for a penny.

"Is your DH from the same culture as you OP?"

I was also wondering this? A friend of mine is from a wealthy family in Catalonia, and it used to be that the house and farm went to the oldest boy who then became head of the family and was responsible for looking after the wellbeing of all the rest.

Atenco Dh is the same religion as me but it comes with no particular culture so far as money is concerned, though giving to charity is encouraged.

Me2017 my dh does not feel like that. He would never want me to have to sell our home for his children, because he loves me too! that is what life insurance is for. Dh is also planning for our long term care which is prioritised for him over children's inheritance. Whatever is left after that will be theirs.

That;'s good. People just differ on this. I would not let any man move in here under it were 100% clear he would not have a share of my assets or house when I die or we part and that he knew my plan to give everything to the children well before I die.

Completely understand. I think I would have felt the same as you at the beginning of my relationship with Dh, but after a long and loving marriage, as long as my children were well provided for, I wouldn't want him to lose his home because he isn't their dad. As long as you are upfront with any future partner then I can't see any problem, albeit it might just be easier to live alone.