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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Generous Dh

74 replies

Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 13:07

Dh is on a roll salary wise and has recently had an additional windfall. Sil is having a hard time financially. He wants to give her £12k to pay off her debts. This is in addition to 10k given 6 months ago, plus a monthly 'salary'.

I know they are close, but dh is blind to the fact that he is singled out as the person she cries to when in trouble. I asked him if this would be a one off but he refused to say yes. So basically he will pay her debts for life.

The reason I think I am being unreasonable is because Dh earns the money not me and our family will not go without. He is known in his family as the one everyone leans on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 14:34

Ketsby no that was not my post a couple of weeks ago. Thank you for all your opinions, I'm actually quite pleased I'm being unreasonable because I don't want any resentment in my marriage. Dh gives a fair bit to charity and is generous all round. What bothers me is that sil's children also now come to dh for handouts, and sometimes I just think the whole thing isn't healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 14:35

Manumission you e just given me a heart attackGrin

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 25/10/2016 14:38

I'm afraid you don't have the right to tell him what to do with his money. To put it bluntly, why should he support you and not his own sister?

Maybe because the OP is married to him?

Manumission · 25/10/2016 14:38

Sorry! Blush Grin

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 14:39

ItShouldHaveBeenJess he already thinks I'm resentful and is hell bent on giving her the £12k or more if that's what it takes to clear her debts.

OP posts:
YelloDraw · 25/10/2016 14:41

It isn't just 'resentment' though is it? I suspect you don't want DH to be taken for a mug and have his family take advantage.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 14:47

Yello that's the only reason for my resentment. I don't want sil to struggle. But his siblings and now their children do massively take advantage of his kindness and inability to say no. For those that think I have it easy, I guess I do. But when we met, I supported Dh as he had no money.

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MidsummersNight · 25/10/2016 14:48

I think if he can 'support' you and your 2 children (are you not supporting yourself?) then you'd be extremely unreasonable to tell him what to do with money that he has worked for.

Especially as you have said you and the children would not do without.

It's not a nice thing to have to rely on someone & I think it's nice that he wants to help and support his sister. I would welcome it from my brother if he had the kind of money to do that with.

selfishcrab · 25/10/2016 14:48

When you marry it becomes joint, regardless of parentage of children. Family money, family money has equal share.
The posters who are saying oh he supports you and your children would probably have a melt down if the children where his... there is no difference!
There is no way in hell I would not say no to DH if he wanted to give that sort of money to his sister without talking/asking me.
His sister should say no to her DD and live within her means and stop sponging!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 25/10/2016 14:48

Is your DH from the same culture as you OP?

I only ask, as a couple I once knew had very similar issues and it all really boiled down to the fact that in his culture, the "most successful son" supporting everyone else was normal - and to not do so was seen as disrespectful to the family and their culture.

His DW, while happy to give money to her retired MIL to help out, did not feel as though it was their responsibility to support fit & healthy adults of working age. Siblings, nephews, nieces etc.

In their case, whether they could afford it was arguable. Yes, they could - but at the cost of savings for their own retirement, holidays, a newer car etc. The only children involved were his from his previous marriage, whom of course were supported financially without question.

MidsummersNight · 25/10/2016 14:49

The bottom line, really, is if you aren't going to fall short then with the remaining money he can do what he likes.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 14:55

Dh is from the same culture as me, yes. Seems like there are two different views here- maybe both have a point. But as I said, it isn't the money making me resentful, it's the fact that they see Dh as a very soft touch.

OP posts:
JaneAustinAllegro · 25/10/2016 15:01

My DH is the soft touch in his family. Sends a monthly amount to his mother and stepfather, while stepfather's two (wealthy, children finished with uni education) children don't contribute a bean, and nor does DH's sister (children's education already paid for by ex husband's settlement / multiple cars / boats / 7 rental properties kind of lifestyle). We are nowhere near as "settled" financially as those other three families and yet DH (who does earn a good salary) is the only one who contributes - it's not that he contributes that bothers me, it's the fact that the other three who are absolutely financially secure, do not. Perhaps that's what's irritating, Around?

ANewStartOverseas · 25/10/2016 15:01

If you are married, then it's not 'his' money or 'your' money. If your, together, money.
That means that decisions should be taken together.

Having said that, your DH is supporting you already (and your dcs if they are not adults yet) so I'm ot sure you are in the best place to say he shouldn't be supporting someone he (brotherly) loves.
And, you are well enough to be able to afford it.

The one question I would ask is: what about the future?
By that I mean your future (if you have a disability now, I assume you will need more and more help as you are getting older), his future as in pension etc and what about the dcs (his of course not also yours depending on your organisation)?

I've seen that happening with my gran. She gave away a lot of money and ended up with very little at the time when she needed it the most, aka at the end of her life when she was in care home etc...

If anything was worrying me, that would be that.

trulybadlydeeply · 25/10/2016 15:07

ANewStart lots of married couples keep separate finances - DH and I do.

My concern here would be that in time he could be supporting more and more people (eg when SIL's DD has a family etc). However that will be his choice.

In essence, he sounds to me to be just a very generous man, supporting his family, charitable giving, and providing a comfortable life for you and your DC.

If you honestly don't feel you are missing out on anything essential because of this, I can't see what you can do.

gillybeanz · 25/10/2016 15:11

I wouldn't stand for this either. It's joint money to be spent on your own family, charity begins at home.
You can't complain though unless you have only just found out about this, it wouldn't have happened once in my household. You have allowed it to happen, you really can't complain now.

TheProblemOfSusan · 25/10/2016 15:11

I don't think there's a problem sharing the money out if you and DH agree - I don't think you're unreasonable to be concerned but if you plural can afford it and it means so much to your husband, have at it.

I do think that a careful conversation with him about your concerns is in order here though - I would be most worried about these handouts escalating and impacting badly on things like retirement savings and I'd want to know that we were protected from that happening and that he would start saying 'no' as soon as a pre-set threshold was reached.

Generous is great but so is both of you feeling safe in the long run. And that's what money basically is: safety.

myownprivateidaho · 25/10/2016 15:16

It's not automatically the case that all money is shared money in a marriage. I have promised to support my husband, of course, and will be obliged to support our future children. I'm not sure this means that he gets the power of veto over all my spending and what I choose to do with my savings. Perhaps some couples choose to live that way, but not all! Personally it's extremely important to me that I support my family -- and that doesn't just mean my DH.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 25/10/2016 15:17

So you supported him while he established himself, hence the money he now earns? In that case, YANBU - how would he, SIL and niece have managed if you hadn't come along?

Me2017 · 25/10/2016 15:18

It is a second marriage and it's really his money to do as he chooses. If I married again I can see that new partner might think I am too generous to the children - no student debt/loans, property part paid for , live at home if they choose but that's my choice, my mnoey. Other parents would say you're 18 on your bike.

There is no right and wrong about this mkind of thing. If you want to control money earn a lot yourself. I earn quite a bit and so can do what I like with it.

ishallconquerthat · 25/10/2016 15:20

As you don't have children together, then I don't think you can do or say anything.

user1475249801 · 25/10/2016 15:22

So you supported him while he established himself, hence the money he now earns? In that case, YANBU - how would he, SIL and niece have managed if you hadn't come along?

Have I missed something? When did OP say this?

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 25/10/2016 15:25

But when we met, I supported DH as he had no money

I'm possibly making assumptions, but the OP says this a few posts up.

user1475249801 · 25/10/2016 15:26

I wouldn't stand for this either. It's joint money to be spent on your own family, charity begins at home.

Why are the OPs children from another marriage more important than his sister? He can help whoever he likes. He's already providing a comfortable life for OP and her children.

Original poster
Aroundtheworldandback · 25/10/2016 15:26

ANewStart mine is not the sort of disability that will worsen with age. I would give more details but don't want to out myself. I am so sorry your grandmother found herself in difficulty owing to her generosity.

JaneAustin I completely understand where you are coming from. We have had dh's brother last year begging him for money because he had overspent and did not want his wife to find out. every month seems to throw up a request from someone else.

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