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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disabled person and stranger coming to visit

117 replies

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:19

Have to be vague about this, but basically DB asked a mate to drop in on his own to see DM in her new assisted living flat. DM is vulnerable and disabled and had never met this mate but it turns out she is some kind of expert on disability, and I am just wondering what was going on. DM has her own GP and assessor and this mate going in out of the blue 'just for a chat' doesn't seem right to me. Should DB have run it by the family first, or AIBU?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 21/10/2016 17:21

Is your DB concerned about your DM's welfare?

MrsJayy · 21/10/2016 17:25

Did you ask your brother what they want to chat about ? I think he should give the family more information about the visitor

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:26

Is your DB concerned about your DM's welfare?
Yes, he is, perhaps overly concerned because of guilt. but I thought that only a persons doctor should be giving advice, and if it wasn't for a medical reason why did he ask this mate to visit?

OP posts:
MaddyHatter · 21/10/2016 17:29

maybe your db feels the dr and assessor are missing something and wants someone else to give their opinion?

LetitiaCropleysCookbook · 21/10/2016 17:29

Could it be that she can advise about any benefits your dm may be eligible for, due to her disability? Maybe she works in that field, or has dealt with such matters for her own parents?

bluebeck · 21/10/2016 17:30

Have you tried talking to your DB about it rather than a load of internet strangers who have no idea who this woman is or what the purpose of the meeting was?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 21/10/2016 17:30

Are you certain it's a medical issue this person is dropping in about?

Rather than say, a benefits advice chat, social service assessment, etc?

SaucyJack · 21/10/2016 17:32

Does your mum have a degree of mental impairment that would mean she shouldn't be talking to strangers without a carer present?

It's impossible to answer this. This woman might be looking at a bath hoist for all anyone on here knows.

Why do you think there's something fishy going on?

BackforGood · 21/10/2016 17:33

Have to agree with others - ask your brother.
It might be his mate is an OT, or a benefits expert, or knows about local care and support is out there. We have no idea - you'd need to ask him.

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:36

Have you tried talking to your DB about it rather than a load of internet strangers who have no idea who this woman is or what the purpose of the meeting was? - funnily enough that was the first thing I did. No joy.

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:37

Yes, mental impairment. DM gets all the advice she needs from local services.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 21/10/2016 17:38

no joy

What? He refused to speak to you? I don't understand, sorry.

Bruce02 · 21/10/2016 17:40

Why do you think dB has to run visitors by you?

Why doesn't he want to tell you exactly what it is?

There is clearly a back story to this

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:40

Cant be specific, this person is just a mate, works in health in a senior position. Why wouldn't DB tell the family first that's what gets me. All DB will say is that it was for a 'chat'.

OP posts:
UnderCoverGuvnor · 21/10/2016 17:41

If your brother is refusing to engage and you have serious concerns then you may have to go down the POVA (protection of vulnerable adults) route.
I assume your mother has a social worker - I would advise contacting them about your concerns.

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:41

Why do you think dB has to run visitors by you?

We share responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:42

Thanks, UCG, that's a good point.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 21/10/2016 17:42

I know it is his mum too but him not saying oh my friend is popping to see mum for x y z. Does seem a bit odd what do you think he might be up to ?

Bruce02 · 21/10/2016 17:42

DM gets all the advice she needs from local services.

Perhaps he disagrees that the services involved give her everything she needs. When my grandfather was ill, he certainly wasn't .

They wouldn't accept he couldn't look after himself for even an hour until he was found dead wandering the streets naked when he had been left for half an hour.

Bruce02 · 21/10/2016 17:45

Sharing responsibility doesn't mean he has to run everything by yiu.

Perhaps he also has serious concerns about yiu, like you do about him. In which case I can see why he is doing what he is doing.

Clearly yiu don't trust him. Why?

I am not saying you are in wrong, just trying to unpick what is bothering you so much.

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:46

Does your mum have a degree of mental impairment that would mean she shouldn't be talking to strangers without a carer present?

No, I think she shouldn't.

OP posts:
WhisperingLoudly · 21/10/2016 17:47

There must be a huge backstory for this to be an issue.

In most families siblings trust each other to do the best for their parents.

So in the example you give I would have no issue with any of my siblings doing what your brother has done in relation to your DM, regardless of whether we had shared care/responsibility. But you do, so perhaps you need to address the underlying issue?

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:49

what is bothering you so much.

DB has guilt feelings about his past, can't be more specific, but the problem is over, yet it still affects his decisions where he thinks he has to be in control. We share power of attorney.

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 21/10/2016 17:51

is it possible for a family member to be present at the meeting if dm is ok with that ?

Bruce02 · 21/10/2016 17:51

Does social service feel she shouldn't be allowed visitors without someone present?

Do you think you brother acts in your mum's best interests?