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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disabled person and stranger coming to visit

117 replies

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:19

Have to be vague about this, but basically DB asked a mate to drop in on his own to see DM in her new assisted living flat. DM is vulnerable and disabled and had never met this mate but it turns out she is some kind of expert on disability, and I am just wondering what was going on. DM has her own GP and assessor and this mate going in out of the blue 'just for a chat' doesn't seem right to me. Should DB have run it by the family first, or AIBU?

OP posts:
Lollipopgirls · 21/10/2016 18:30

sweet. How do you know this person has visited your DM?

Has your DM told you after the event?

OR has your DB told you in advance?

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:31

This is not a stranger, it is one of his mates

This is a difficulty, a mate to DB and a stranger to DM. Probably still is since she has no memory of the visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:31

Lollipop, DB told me after the event.

OP posts:
sandragreen · 21/10/2016 18:32

Well I just don't get this at all.

If my beloved relative was very ill and I had a good mate who specialised in their field, it's entirely logical to me that I might ask that person to drop in on the relative for a chat, to see how they were, give me professional feedback.

You seem determined to make a huge deal out of this, but as you are so determined to be vague, I don't think anyone will understand why.

pipsqueak25 · 21/10/2016 18:32

this is worrying if she does not remember the visit, if it happened or not.

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:33

Lollipop as in my first post my question is:
Should DB have run it by the family first, or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:36

If my beloved relative was very ill and I had a good mate who specialised in their field, it's entirely logical to me that I might ask that person to drop in on the relative for a chat, to see how they were, give me professional feedback.

Well ok, Im prepared to think someone might think that. But you know would it hurt to run it by your DS who cares just as much?

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:37

this is worrying if she does not remember the visit, if it happened or not.

As I said, DM is vulnerable.

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 21/10/2016 18:37

db is entitled to get help for dm without speaking to other family members that is nbu but to be cagey about it is a bit strange,

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:38

You seem determined to make a huge deal out of this

Not so much, I left off mentioning it to DB again.

OP posts:
sandragreen · 21/10/2016 18:38

Sounds like DB had an inkling you would ask him 752 questions about it?

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:39

db is entitled to get help for dm without speaking to other family members

Why do you think that, Pipsqueak?

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:41

Sounds like DB had an inkling you would ask him 752 questions about it?

No, that's one too many, I left the question about why he might be being an arse out of it Grin

OP posts:
HmmmmBop · 21/10/2016 18:42

I don't understand what your issue is.

You imply there is a bigger issue at hand but you can't tell us what that is, as it stands there is nothing seemingly odd or wrong about this. Sounds like he's done a good thing.

YuckYuckEwwww · 21/10/2016 18:42

Well ok, Im prepared to think someone might think that. But you know would it hurt to run it by your DS who cares just as much?

You don't seem very approachable or open to other opinions

You state that her care is sufficient as if it should never ever be questioned.

sounds like he can share the care so long as she never questions your opinions on the suitability of his existing services

Mooey89 · 21/10/2016 18:43

I am an adult social worker.

Honestly if you said to me that your brother had asked for a HcP, who will presumably be DBS checked, with no other concerns, to visit your mum and you wanted to submit a safeguarding alert because of it (someone upthread mentioned POvA), I would wonder what else could possibly be going on that made you so worried.

I think if it worried you so much, you should ask DB to run it past you next time, but it sounds to me like he asked them to visit for a chat because the person knows the needs of her particular disability.

Unless you are concerned that DB has any alterior motives or your mum was distressed by the visit?

MsMims · 21/10/2016 18:44

Do you have joint power of attorney or joint and severally?

Without knowing your DM I'm not sure if it was right to have someone she's never met before popping, but at least this person is a recognised professional. Sounds like your brother has good intentions, even if he's gone about it a bit cack-handed?

Flisspaps · 21/10/2016 18:44

Do you run every single visit/professional past your brother before arranging it, or do you expect him to trust you to do the best for your mum?

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:45

I don't understand what your issue is.
You imply there is a bigger issue at hand but you can't tell us what that is, as it stands there is nothing seemingly odd or wrong about this. Sounds like he's done a good thing.

Ok, thanks, their views are what I wanted to know from others.

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:46

Do you run every single visit/professional past your brother before arranging it, or do you expect him to trust you to do the best for your mum?

I don't know if you have been in this kind of situation but a bit of co-ordination is useful, yes. I trusted him until this event happened, now it seems he thinks he's a free agent Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:47

Joint POA

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2016 18:49

I'm trying to look at it from the perspective of having an elderly mother with dementia in care. DB and I share responsibility of visiting and seeing that she is being cared for to our mutual satisfaction. DB has had a troubled past in that he is a recovering alcoholic. He was Mum's carer before she had to move to care. He did a very good job.

I don't think it would bother me per se if he called on a friend with expertise to see Mum. But it would bother me if he was closed mouth about his reasons or what he felt the visit accomplished.

If he felt his friend could add to Mum's care I probably wouldn't mind learning about it after the fact, but I'd tell him next time to let me know ahead. But if he felt that Mum's care was inappropriate or sub-standard I would certainly expect him to tell me immediately and up front that he was concerned and that he had a friend with expertise he'd like to ask for an opinion.

Just playing devil's advocate with the following and I don't mean to cast aspersions on your brother. Also, I'm speculating based on US law, not UK.

Is there any way this expert was there to judge your mother's legal mental incompetence with a view to your brother moving to file as sole conservator to control her finances? In the US there is a world of difference between Power of Attorney and Conservatorship. My DB and I have joint PoA over our mother which means that dual approval is needed and there are still some things we cannot do with regards to Mum's finances. Conservatorship grants absolute power over a person's assets.

HmmmmBop · 21/10/2016 18:50

A free agent? Why would he not be a free agent?

Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:50

Mooey89 does this kind of thing happen often, bearing in mind this specialist is a social friend of DB and not involved in DM's health care in any way?

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:52

I have not heard of conservatorship Across, maybe it is not a UK thing?

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