Disabled person and stranger coming to visit

[sweetstemcauli]

Have to be vague about this, but basically DB asked a mate to drop in on his own to see DM in her new assisted living flat. DM is vulnerable and disabled and had never met this mate but it turns out she is some kind of expert on disability, and I am just wondering what was going on. DM has her own GP and assessor and this mate going in out of the blue 'just for a chat' doesn't seem right to me. Should DB have run it by the family first, or AIBU?

I'm a specialist in the nhs. I have gone to see friends relatives on several occasions to give my view on their condition. Im not working in my professional capacity as such- I'm not paid/ it wouldn't be covered by my professional insurance and I'm always very clear...this is my perspective based on X and y but obviously I haven't read notes etc. Im doing it as a friend. It's a pretty normal thing to do (and a benefit of knowing someone in a specialist nhs role). In my role, I certainly wouldn't be doing anything invasive/ disruptI've to the patient. I would just have a chat. So it kind of is like a social call (though I would usually always have person I know -the friend/relative with me. I wouldn't go alone). Maybe your brother thought you wouldn't want the specialist visiting so chose not to tell you?

whover visited won't be making any medical decisions or implimenting anything

they'll just be advising your DB on what he can expect/ask for from her existing services

Bruce if you really think a high up (presumably very busy) medical professional paid a social call to a friends mother, alone, just to be sociable, fine. I don't. The brother called it a social call. I don't think it was a social call. Unless the professional's field is totally unrelated to the mum or her care. But I got the impresion the professional's field of expertise was related.

But we can agree to differ.

chip would the person being visited know you were a medical professional?

I think what chip describes sound more normal, visiting with the relative.

What is worst case senario ?
Trying to steal from your mum?
Trying to get her sectioned?
Sexual predator?

So your brother has anxiety issues am I right?. Your DM is being visited by a " professional" in all things benefit/health related and you are not there to witness this ( dodgy).
Do you think this " professional " saw your anxious brother coming and convinced him she know what's best for your DM and you are better off not being there?
You googled this person and nothing came up?
Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick.
Make your brother aware that you have concerns about this and ask him if this person has asked for a fee/commission,also not to sign anything.
Contact her social worker and make your concerns known asap.

If your brother's a worrier it might be that he was stressing about something to do with your mum's care, mentioned it to his mate in the pub or something, and then asked him (or he offered) to pop round to set his mind at rest. It might not have seemed that big a deal to him, hence not mentioning it until afterwards.

But there's nothing to stop you giving the mate a ring/dropping him an email - you could thank him for visiting your mum and ask if he had any thoughts? Even though she's got her own carers there's no harm in a fresh pair of eyes having a look.

As another adult social worker, I can't say I'd see a big issue based on the information in this. Obviously there's a lot of backstory that you don't want to share but based on this, YABU. I understand why you feel aggrieved at the lack of communication but I wouldn't see it as a real concern to your mother's overall welfare.

Is the PoA for health and welfare or property and finances - or both?

Noworries, the worst case scenario might be that a clinical decision was made by DB on the basis of the visitor's recommendation, a decision that should really be made by DM's the family and medical team I always thought.

But I got the impression the professional's field of expertise was related.
Italian, I can't think of another plausible reason for the visit either.

Crashdoll, the POA exists for finances only at the moment. The assisted living flat is a new thing.

So it kind of is like a social call (though I would usually always have person I know -the friend/relative with me. I wouldn't go alone). Chippybutty, do you think this is a bit of a grey area then? DM doesn't know this person, who spoke with her alone for some time. I'm still mystified.

Perhaps you could express your concerns to your mother' s health professionals, and ask whether they have been informed of any outcomes of this meeting?

I think I must have missed this bit.

What did your brother say when you asked him why the person had visited and what the outcome was?

DB would only say that it was a social call, that was it, he really doesn't want to discuss it with me

sweet do you have a medical PoA for your mum? I'd not I do think you and your brother should address this.

If she cannot remember visitors, she would probably need you and your brother looking out for her medical needs.

Can I ask if she is in a care or nursing home? You do not need to answer that.

DB would only say that it was a social call, that was it, he really doesn't want to discuss it with me

And this is what would concern me. If it was a 'social call' he'd be very willing to discuss it, imho. What would be the problem? "Oh, we talked about the weather, Mum's sore knee (or whatever), the grandchildren, etc etc". If there was nothing to hide, then he'd be hiding nothing.

Do you know the name of this 'professional'? If so, I'd be contacting them directly to express my disapproval and to let them know that your mother's care is the equal responsibility of both of her children. And that if this visit was in the nature of a 'professional call' and she was under the impression that your brother had discussed this 'consultation' with you that she had been misled.

I agree with inertia, you need to let the administrators, or whoever, at your mother's accommodation know about this visit. Let them know that you don't hold them responsible but that you'd like them to be more aware of who is visiting your mother, especially if they are solo visitors.

Thanks, Across. I did speak about it with the 'carers' in a non-confrontational way and they will let me know if it happens again.

Remember I said DB is an anxious person, well if I contacted this 'professional' the proverbial would hit the fan if he heard about it. I should speak to her though, I know I should, because what she did was wrong even if she was thinking it was for the right reasons, or at least misled, like you say. (That is if I was able to contact someone so exalted!)

DB won't accept for a moment that he was at fault doing what he did.

if I contacted this 'professional' the proverbial would hit the fan if he heard about it

Interestingly enough my cousin and I were discussing this sort of thing just yesterday. Our mothers are sisters and both suffering from dementia.

Her brother and his wife were taking advantage of my aunt financially. 'Small potatoes' in the scheme of her finances, but none the less they were using her money to meet their 'overages' in their monthly spendings from 'time to time'. Anyway, Cousin was so worried about upsetting her brother that she was rather sitting on her hands. We talked things through and we both agreed that our first priorities must be our mothers, just as our children were our first priorities when they were small and helpless. That hurt feelings, 'anxiety', or upset don't matter as long as our mothers are safe (physically and financially) and well cared for.

You must do what you feel is right, of course, and it could be enough for you to know that now that you are aware that he has done this, you will simply be more watchful in the future. Or you may feel that you need to take this further. It's up to you to decide what will be in your mother's best interests regardless of whether or not it upsets your brother.