Disabled person and stranger coming to visit

[sweetstemcauli]

Have to be vague about this, but basically DB asked a mate to drop in on his own to see DM in her new assisted living flat. DM is vulnerable and disabled and had never met this mate but it turns out she is some kind of expert on disability, and I am just wondering what was going on. DM has her own GP and assessor and this mate going in out of the blue 'just for a chat' doesn't seem right to me. Should DB have run it by the family first, or AIBU?

A free agent? Why would he not be a free agent?

Sorry if I got that wrong, I meant acting on his own.

I totally ask professional friends for second opinions on areas that they cover in their fields, I think that's normal, yeah!

If I was in you DBs situation I'ld do the same

whether I'ld tell you or not depends on you, and as you come across on this thread, probably not.

as you come across on this thread, probably not.

Thanks, I guess.

I appreciate that being co-ordinated will be helpful, but I wondered if you ran every visit past him.

If you don't, then I can see why he's not run this by you first.

However, as it's someone who seems to be well qualified and knows their stuff, what harm can it do for your DB to seek their advice even without your permission?

From your responses on this thread I think it's fairly obvious why your Db didn't want to discuss this with you OP.

I wouldn't have either. I think it was a totally normal thing for him to do. You sound like very hard work

also, if I was you my questions to DB about this would be "so what was the outcome?" not "why did you do this in the first place?" and I think that's telling

Without the backstory I have to agree with yuck

Your DB seems to have a lovely friend who has put himself out for your DM. He may have just wanted to see a real life example of how people with your DM's condition survive in the real world. However, it does seem that his visit has in no way harmed your DM and may even lead to some benefits.

I'm sure there is more to it than you are willing to disclose. You are coming across as rather unreasonably controlling.

But surely a HCP even with an expertise in the field would need to see your mother's notes and/or care plan to have any meaningful discussion?

no, not necessarily, if it's medication or medical decisions yes

but for lots of other things, not necessarily

I often get told 'we have a very good friend who is a nurse (for example) who says X.
Or my friends ask me 'this is the scenario, what would you suggest?'

Clients either mention it in passing or might raise it more formally, but to be honest, only if they are concerned for example 'my brother is an ex drug addict, he sent Mr Y to see mum, who is an addict... mum can't manage her own money and I'm concerned he might not have honourable intentions.'

I have not heard of conservatorship Across, maybe it is not a UK thing?

I think in the UK it is what's known as Deputyship where you apply to the Court of Protection if someone lacks the capacity to make their own decisions. Shouldn't be needed if you already have PoA

YANBU.

My sister and I shared joint Power of Attorney both medical and financial of our mother until she died this spring. I would have told sis everything relevant when mum lived near me in accommodation and when she moved to nursing home near sis, sis would tell me.

I think your brother is bring unnecessaryily secretive, and I do think he is coming across quite weird. Only you know why there is guilt and what that may be doing to his judgements. I don'Y think we need to know that.

As your 'care' of your dm is shared you are perfectly at liberty to ask this professions what the visit was about. Especially if you have shared PoA.

In your shoes I might simply approach the professional with my ID and copy of PoA. If he asks you why you would need to know (why would he?); you can admit your mother has no memory of the visit and you need some notes of what was discussed.

If your dm has dementia as mine did (she had Lewy Body but your dm may have a different kind) them a one to one with a health professional is pointless without a n adult who knows your bring there. As you know/found out, your dm may not remember a thing, and may not be able to give correct answers. Even for a professional to truly access your mum would (IMHO) require another person present who can answer questions like "How long has she been like this?' Or 'Is this normal for her now etc?

So a few thoughts occurs to me:
Your brother was present at the meeting and has not admitted this
Your brother is lying about the meeting
Your brother is lying about even knowing this person )do you know he knows her/him)?

In my own mum's case she was on XYZ medication, she often felt anxious and wanted to try something different or feared a different medication. When medications changed it was never good and after years we just stuck with what seemed best. It would be tempting to think a, b, c could change her condition but my sis and I knew not. It would have been very hard if my sis and I had not seen eye to eye.

In your shoes I' would pursue the professional because you have joint PoA . Then I would get my db round for a meeting about mum, or choose a neutral location, and get all the cards on the table.

Joint PoA requires you to act in mum's best interests and so to me it is implied if you do not agree you still need to work together. it is encapsulated in the word JOINT. Your Dh needs to share his concerns and you need to listen, you both need to work together.

Sorry to say this but, when she is gone, how you both handled this time together will probably have a huge impact on how you deal with her passing.

Good luck.

I think being rude to the OP is totally not on.

Op you are clearly skirting the what the actual issue is. If this is what you are like in real life, it maybe that you brother just can't be arsed with all the questions.

Based on what you have told us, yabu. You may have POA, that doesn't mean that your brother has to run every visitor by you.

Social services haven't said she shouldn't have visitors without a carer present so he isn't for getting anything wrong.

He has a friend who works in a relevant field. They offered/ he asked and then this person went round.

The 'right care' is subjective and your opinion. Your brother may not have the same opinion. You know what job this person does, so you know what they are likely to have discussed with your mum. Or simply he/she was checking on your mum to put your brothers worries to bed.

You clearly think you have to know everything. But no one can say wether that's reasonable or not without the additional information.

Sorry to say this but, when she is gone, how you both handled this time together will probably have a huge impact on how you deal with her passing.

God forbid that day, Italian, but thank you for your very useful and insightful post.

You clearly think you have to know everything

Maybe so, it is a cross I will have to bear I suppose.

As your 'care' of your dm is shared you are perfectly at liberty to ask this professions what the visit was about. Especially if you have shared PoA.

But the OP said it wasn't a professional visit. Her dobro said it was a social call. Essentially this person has visted their friends mum. That's it.

I really did not want to bring it up sweet. Muimbhsd dementia for almost a decade. But really working together will be so much better. I do think git brother should have shared concerns with you but if he felt unable to then why not offer an olive branch and try to work together. when my mum died, sis and I knew we had both done the best for her and had peace. It rely did make everything easier.

Your not git!!!!! Sorry that was a typo!

Bruce a visit from a very high up medical person to a sick or disabled stranger is not a social call. What was social about it? What did they talk about? Whatever they talked about the medical person must have been making some sort of medical assessment. And the mum remembers nothing. That is not a social call in my book!

OP, if your db suffer from paranoia might he be trying to guage the severity of your mothers condition or similar? And feel embarrassed about needing to do so. Or even be worried that you/ others aren't being honest with him?

Perhaps he's trying to establish whether she is still able to live independently or something like that? I would suggest calling him in a very gentle way and asking him how the meeting went and as you are worried can he share with you what his friend thought about your mum?

totally agree with Matilda.

liangreyhound Fri 21-Oct-16 19:41:47
Bruce a visit from a very high up medical person to a sick or disabled stranger is not a social call. What was social about it? What did they talk about? Whatever they talked about the medical person must have been making some sort of medical assessment. And the mum remembers nothing. That is not a social call in my book!

OP doesnt know what was discussed. Or why she visited. The OP posted dB said it was a social call.

People who are medical professionals also have a social life. The OP has no clue if it was in a professional capacity. That's the point. The OP said her mum doesn't remember and her brother says the friend just visited.

At the moment all she knows is her brothers friend visited their mother.

I totally agree with Mooey. Although to be honest I would email the visitor. I would explain how anxious you feel about your mum generally and you would welcome her thoughts. I wouldn't mention your DB id just give a brief explanation of your DM's current prognosis and medication, then I'd go on to ask whether she though mum was on thrift care pathway and if she felt you could be doing anymore for you mum. The key would be to be as brief as you can but with lots of questions for her to answer. Then I'd thank her profusely for her time, adding that you'd be grateful for her insight. If my DB wasnt being clear with me re our mum, I wouldn't ask him repeatedly, I'd be direct and deal with the visitor. It's probably nothing you know, doctors and consultants have very clear unwritten rules about the ownership of patients care and don't often tread on another peers toes unless there's a real risk.

Thrift!!! Sorry the right care pathway (sigh)