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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disabled person and stranger coming to visit

117 replies

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:19

Have to be vague about this, but basically DB asked a mate to drop in on his own to see DM in her new assisted living flat. DM is vulnerable and disabled and had never met this mate but it turns out she is some kind of expert on disability, and I am just wondering what was going on. DM has her own GP and assessor and this mate going in out of the blue 'just for a chat' doesn't seem right to me. Should DB have run it by the family first, or AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:52

In most families siblings trust each other to do the best for their parents.

That's why I'm wondering if DB doesn't trust me. I don't know why.

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pipsqueak25 · 21/10/2016 17:54

sorry to jump in again, but is this an official visiting ? this does seem a bit strange but then i don't trust anyone... possible to do with finances ? db need to be in control bugs me a bit to, there must be more to this than you have told us.

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:56

This was a very senior medical person, just seems strange to me why they would go visiting a vulnerable stranger who was getting the right health care.

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twattymctwatterson · 21/10/2016 17:57

I know you feel you can't give any more information without outing yourself but to be honest there's absolutely no way we can tell you if you ABU on what we have to go on here. There's clearly a big back story

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 17:58

DB has neurosis (diagnosed). Is a very anxious person.

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pipsqueak25 · 21/10/2016 17:58

sorry, the meeting has past, , shut up pip, sit down and listen to the nice people properly before opening mouth.

slenderisthenight · 21/10/2016 18:00

Why don't you get in touch and ask them why they're visiting. Then you'll get it straight from the horse's mouth. If you're not happy, you can say so. You could also ask if it's good practice to call in those circumstances etc. and talk about potential future visits.

It's what I'd do.

I think you're probably over-reacting for other reasons that you don't wish to go into. But it's hard to judge on one tenth of a story :)

blankmind · 21/10/2016 18:03

This was a very senior medical person, just seems strange to me why they would go visiting a vulnerable stranger who was getting the right health care.

Sounds as though your brother is exploring possibilities of different diagnoses or treatments. Maybe he's not sure your DM is getting the right healthcare and wants another opinion.

If your brother isn't more forthcoming, and you know his mate's name, you can contact the mate via the NHS register, explain that you have equal rights for your DM's care and ask the mate why she visited and what her conclusions are.

MrsJayy · 21/10/2016 18:06

Oh its happened sorry didnt realise . Can your mother remember what was said or even why they visited

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:07

I think you're probably over-reacting for other reasons that you don't wish to go into. But it's hard to judge on one tenth of a story

Not done to annoy you Slender, I'm trying to be discreet.

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Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:08

DM does not remember visit.

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SaucyJack · 21/10/2016 18:11

"That's why I'm wondering if DB doesn't trust me. I don't know why."

Perhaps it isn't a matter of trust.

Why do you think that your brother wanted/needed to have this done without your involvement?

Do you tend to react to things in a calm, positive, non-inflammatory manner? Are you polite and considerate of other people's wishes and opinions?

One of you is in the wrong. You are the only person on this thread who knows who it is.

YuckYuckEwwww · 21/10/2016 18:11

You keep saying that she already has the right care and services

but that's subjective, some people prefer to have it confirmed by second opinions, sounds like that's what you DB is doing?

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:14

Do you tend to react to things in a calm, positive, non-inflammatory manner? Are you polite and considerate of other people's wishes and opinions?

Yes, always.

One of you is in the wrong. You are the only person on this thread who knows who it is.

Actually, I don't know, its my reason for asking you good people!

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Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:15

some people prefer to have it confirmed by second opinions

On DB's own, without telling anyone else?

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Gazelda · 21/10/2016 18:16

From what you know about the visitor, do you trust them? In other words, regardless of your DB's motivation, if the visitor is qualified In a relevant field, does it matter that they visited? I presume it's the sort of post that is DBS checked?
It is quite difficult to offer anything constructive with so little detail. Sorry.

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:18

To those people who have mentioned a back story, aside from that I don't understand whether it was right or not of DB to get DM interviewed by a stranger for an undisclosed reason. It seems so weird to me.

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Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:20

I can't be more specific about the visitor except to say again, very senior, never normally does visits or works outside specialist unit, all I can think of it was a favour to a mate on their part.

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Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:21

Adding to my last post, really unusual situation for the visitor.

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Lollipopgirls · 21/10/2016 18:22

What do you want us to say/advise on? We are in the dark as only your DB knows who the person is and why she's there. If you don't know, we can't know! It might not even be a HC professional, it could be someone totally different. And why won't your DB say what it's about? What does "no joy" means, did you ask him offhand or have you asked him directly and said you're not happy with him arranging things like this if he's going to be so mysterious about it all?

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:24

Lollipop, DB just says a social visit when I asked why. I'm not sure why he would ask such a person to just drop in for a chat, you know?

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Lollipopgirls · 21/10/2016 18:26

Oh and - do you only know about this meeting because your DM has mentioned it?

Don't understand why your DB would say in advance he'd arranged a meeting if he didn't want to discuss who and why. Why would he say?

Also your DM - she has had the meeting but she knows nothing of who it was or what was said - is that right? Do you think that's the case or is she pretending not to know anything? Would she usually let someone in with no clue as to who they were or what they wanted?

Sorry but can't get a grasp on your story or what you are asking

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:27

It might not even be a HC professional, it could be someone totally different.

The person is on the internet as leader of regional department and special advisor to government on their topic. Disability related.

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Pestilence13610 · 21/10/2016 18:29

In most families siblings trust each other to do the best for their parents
You don't sound like you trust your DB. This is not a stranger, it is one of his mates.
Do you think your DB's mate is trying to help or harm your DM?

Original poster

sweetstemcauli · 21/10/2016 18:29

Do you think that's the case or is she pretending not to know anything?

So very sadly, no, it is quite genuine

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