Friend's Friend drinking all the time.!

[OutnumberedMomma]

AIBU? My friends best friend is almost 6 months pregnant and seems to be drinking quite a lot and my friend is no help to her as she is the one going out to the pubs with her feel like I am being so judgemental but if that was my best friend I would be having a stern word with her not enabling her. I myself am also pregnant and would never dream of having a drink whilst pregnant not judging anyone else for having a glass here or there but this girl is out most weekends and even adds stuff to her social networks apps like 3 bottles of cider for £5 etc...As I said she is almost 6 months and is so small you wouldn't even think she is pregnant, could this be from all the drinking she does?
I suppose we have different views of pregnancy and I feel so lucky and blessed to even be able to carry a child I would never jeopardise that. Kind of pisses me off she is taking it for granted as there are so many women in the world who would do anything to be in her shoes!

AIBU?

Medical professionals have a first duty of care towards their patient. If their patient reports no problems with alcohol, but some busybody local reports hearing otherwise, all they will do is ask the patient again: 'No problems with alcohol?' They will not and should not accuse her of not telling the truth. They will advise her based on the medical information she discloses, because that is their job.

Didn't the OP state that the pregnant woman was being quite open about the boozy nights out on Facebook? I might be totally making that up

Where is the OP anyway? Cooooooeeeeeeee.

I sincerely hope that the medical profession wouldn't accuse or presume what they are told is 100% accurate; the information may provide a link to what they already know/suspect.

Also some people may not disclose things initially, but asked again in a different way, or at a later date, do disclose information. The person may already have disclosed an issue with alcohol to the medical profession. They may not be aware of the impact of drinking when pregnant.

I've been a 'busy body' a number of times in my life, it has come from a position of concern and worry, not maliciousness.

GCHQ: It is inappropriate to interfere in the medical care of other competent adults, irrespective of whether you are doing it out of concern or maliciousness.

SleepFree: She said she mentioned a deal on alcohol on social media, not that she was openly discussing her own heavy alcohol consumption.

Seriously your mate is enabling her that makes her a pretty shit person. Who even asks a pregnant woman to go out on the piss? Look at it from that angle

Competent adults wouldn't get pissed while pregnant.

I could bring DD round to see her, OP. She has FAS. This woman could care for her while she has a seizure... maybe attempt to teach her about time, or money (she's almost 18). Perhaps she could deal with her going into a state of high anxiety because things aren't the same as usual.

Or maybe she could help her her to wash because DD still doesn't get that standing under a running shower for 15 minutes doesn't stop her smelling awful. Then she could look at her friends' teenagers and realise just how gaping the chasm is between them and DD, with a cognitive age of 6, really is.

The reality is, if this woman can't stop drinking now, she won't once her child is born. If her child has sn, it will be in more danger and will more than likely end up in care.

Like DD did.

Those are the issues children with FAS and their carers' face.

You're not qualified to judge medical competency unless that is what you do for a living, Shockers. It is a legal term, meaning someone can't make their own decisions. It doesn't mean 'thick' or 'irresponsible'.

Where are all these medical practices where you can pop in and make random accusations / comments / observations about one of their patients? I'm trying to visualise how that conversation with the receptionist goes......

Acting out of concern for a child protection issue doesn't make you a busy body.

Never assume in cases where you have concerns about child protection that social services or medical professionals are aware of whatever it is you are concerned about - they may not be.

In cases that turn into serious case reviews there is usually an element of people (professionals included sadly) assuming that someone else had done something/followed up on something when it hadn't been.

Anyway back to this particular issue: The OP says she knows that the lady in question is drinking heavily. If it were me in OPs position (as a qualified health professional who has worked in Gynae and HV) I would do as I suggested above and pass on my concerns. Let the authorities make the judgment about the level of support she may or may not need.

But she doesn't know. She has been told.

And it doesn't make it her right to interfere in the medical care of another adult even if she does know. Which she doesn't, by the sounds of things.

What would it matter if op were wrong and had a word with the medical team? Would there be some massive implications for the pregnant woman?

I don't know. It's still wrong.

As someone said, you can't fight stupid. About 20 years ago I was in hospital. In the smoking room there was a pregnant woman puffing away despite having started contractions and the baby was born not long after. We all tried telling her it was bad for the baby and her reply was, well it never harmed any of my other five kids.

Really feel for you - you wouldn't be a nice person if you weren't concerned, but

.... pressed return too early.

You wouldn't be a nice person if you weren't concerned, but on the other hand it's awkward to intervene with someone you don't know well.

If your mutual friend understands the risks and truly cares for this woman, she'd have the difficult conversation. Talk to mutual friend and explain the risks, graphically if necessary.

Otherwise maybe consider sending a private FB message to the pregnant woman. "Sorry, I know this is rude, but when I was pregnant I found out a lot about the risks of drinking to the baby. I might be getting completely the wrong impression, but it seems like you're drinking. Even at the risk of offending you, or getting it completely wrong because you're not drinking, as one mum to another, I just wanted to be sure that someone had told you about the risks. It was difficult deciding whether to write this message when in many ways it's none of my business, but if someone knew that something I seemed to be doing was bad for my child, and I didn't know, I'd want them to tell me."

And yes, I know that she must have been told, but it allows her to save face and gives you an excuse if you assume that she hasn't.

Good luck. You seem like a caring person.

"Yesterday 16:45 GCHQMonitoring

I dont understand some of the posts here.

You know her name, do you know Yesterday 16:45 GCHQMonitoring

I dont understand some of the posts here.

You know her name, do you know where she goes for anti natal/doctors, personally I'd nip in and mention in to a nurse/ midwife. I did this years ago, when in a similar situation."

I am at this. In what world do you go and tell a random midwife that someone you hardly know is drinking too much pregnant. I mean what on earth do you expect that it achieve?!

OP you're massively over invested.

If I received that message, I would respond: 'Mind your own business you nosey fucker.'

People here mean well, but this level of proposed interference in the private life of someone the OP admits she doesn't know that we'll just because of her reproductive status is

Shockers i just wanted to thank you for adding your message to your thread. It's a shame those who are arguing against helping an unborn child couldn't have the good grace to acknowledge it and recognise you are at the coal face as it were. It's a desperately sad situation all round.

Mummy no massive implications, they would just have a record of the concern being raised and the outcome of all being ok on her notes, that's all.

But more widely, in most child protection cases each little piece of information helps to build up an overall picture that may make a case reach a threshold for intervention. For example: the police may have attended several call outs for domestic violence as reported by neighbours hearing noises. The medical team may have information about mental health issues.
Then someone reports a concern about someone drinking heavily and this information is collated against all the other reports from different authorities/sources and reached the threshold for social services intervention.

The take home message from all the child protection training I have done is that you should always pass on genuine concerns (let the authorities determine the level of risk - that is their job not yours) and never assume that someone else has done something/reported something.

Abso is the expert. She's telling us what she's advised to do. I think it's best to raise concerns if the implications are so sleight. We all want to avoid more children getting brain damage. Thank you for sharing shockers. Op hasn't been back for 24 hours btw.

Abso: Where in your notes is the appropriate place to write, 'Midwife had a meeting with X, who is an acquaintance of Mother and claimed Mother is drinking unknown quantities of alcohol'?

Thank you sleep.

I sometimes look at my pretty, sporty, funny DD and see a glimpse of what she could have achieved, had her brain not be irreversibly damaged. But that way lies madness and we chose her the way she is.

I still don't think it's fair though, and while I know her BM had issues around mental health and I don't see any point in judging her, I wish somebody had intervened on her unborn baby's behalf.

Depends on the route that concerns are raised. Social services and health professionals have policies and procedures to follow when concerns are raised.

I'm sure these are ever so slightly different depending on which local authority or NHS trust it is

My suspicion is that a midwife or doctor meeting with an unrelated party and reporting hearsay to SS would be met with serious questions about their professionalism and ethics. A baby or child? Fair enough. If concerns are genuine, SS is the route to take. A pregnant woman, however, is the only patient in question. Her midwife has no business taking meetings with random local gossips.