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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 20/10/2016 14:42

I agree Scribblegirl - she should offer to save the rent for when they get their own place together (this is what I did - see earlier post).
Practically all the couples I know started off with differing financial situations eg. one having more help toward a deposit from parents, different incomes etc.
It's difficult to meet someone who is in exactly the same financial situation as you but there comes a point if you're going to stay together where you both need to throw everything in the pot, so you don't get one being dependant on the other or any imbalances.
I think the situation would be weird if you pay him rent - he'd have so much more disposable income than you. Would he want to go on fancier holidays, out to restaurants more? What if you could then not afford it.

EllieM22 · 20/10/2016 14:43

If you really love someone and really want to share a home with them, you don't charge them rent. Contribute 50/50 to living costs sure, but he sounds like a twat. I'd leave him now before you move in together!

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 14:44

£850 is what he thinks needs to be paid for the relationship to be financially neutral.

And that is what makes him a cunt.

Because only an out an out shite of a person woukd even consider their relationship in those terms.

Mozfan1 · 20/10/2016 14:45

Maybe his trust fund is running low, hence wanting to get you in as a market rent lodger. Cheeky cunt.

MitzyLeFrouf · 20/10/2016 14:46

I agree Doin. He's benefited hugely from a silver spoon and now wants to benefit even further by fleecing his girlfriend.

£850 to share a bed indeed. Pft.

Callipygian · 20/10/2016 14:47

Depending on where in London you are 850 might be right or it might be a bit too much. Just because somebody has something for free doesn't mean they should have to share it.

Yes he doesn't pay rent or a mortgage but thats essentially because he inherited early. Imagine that he was paying a mortgage which you were contributing to and then he received a large inheritance and was able to clear his mortgage. Would you then stop paying rent?

As long as he is being sensible with the money, if you end up together it would be joint money anyway. If the relationship breaks down then you've been paying rent... If 850 seems to much, try to talk it down a bit, explain that you are hoping to get some savings together and could you do 650. It doesnt sound like this was his idea to charge you, I imagine his family/friends have warned him...

I am not saying this is you - but some people living rent free would be willing to let a failing relationship continue because "they cant afford to move out". Thats probably what his family/friends are afraid of.

notquitegrownup2 · 20/10/2016 14:48

I had a friend in a similar situation, but they were married. The background was that his parents had died young and left him the house and some money, as security for the future because they weren't there. He was then terrified that if the marriage went wrong she would take half of his security and effectively therefore take his parents away from him again.

It was a real blight on their marriage. If you are financially independent, then you can have a relationship as equals. If he fears that you are looking to him as a cheap meal ticket, as this suggests, then he won't respect you as you.

I you still want to live with him, suggest that he rents his flat out and that you rent or buy together if he wants you to be together. Fresh start, fresh home together.

If he were prepared to sell his flat and use the money to help you both buy, he can ringfence his investment so that he owns that share and you split the equity on the new property.

OldBootNewBoots · 20/10/2016 14:48

agree Doin, it's not what it tells me about his relationship with money that worries me, it's that he only wants Op to move in if it's financially neutral or good for him. I'm a tiny bit of a romantic but surely you deserve something a bit more special than that?

Theoretician · 20/10/2016 14:49

I'd argue that he wouldn't be subsidising her in this case as he currently doesn't have to pay anything for the flat.

He is subsidising her if he gives her something in return for a payment of less than it's worth. (This is by definition of "subsidy" as far as I'm concerned, so can't be argued with.) He can give her the right to stay in his home for a period of time, what that's worth is debatable as it's not quite the same situation as being a lodger, as a few people have pointed out, but it's clearly worth more than nothing, which is what most people seem to think

It's irrelevant what he has to pay for the home, and therefore irrelevant that he gets it free from a trust. The value of something is not what it costs to provide, but what it can be sold for. Otherwise we could boost GDP buy paying everyone with spare time to dig holes and fill them in. If it takes £100 at minimum wage to dig a particular sized hole and fill it in again, then that non-hole must have been enhanced the value of the ground by £100, if you believe that the cost of something is its value.

amusedbush · 20/10/2016 14:49

Ugh, I honestly couldn't be with such a grabby, mercenary cunt. I'm not sure I'd be able to see anything attractive past that!

Ditch him.

badtasteflump · 20/10/2016 14:50

He's a creep. I would genuinely LTB.

Partly because there's nothing more off-putting than being a tight wad, so I would never be able to shag him again Grin

Aki23 · 20/10/2016 14:54

You are not his tenant you are his partner. 50% contribution to all bills is fine but you are in fact giving him an income for effectively being his partner! Shock

IhatchedaSnorlax · 20/10/2016 14:56

When someone shows you who they really are Op, you should believe them.

You've now seen his true colours where you & money are concerned, so it's up to you whether you want to stay with him or not but I know I'd be off.

I wouldn't want to be with someone so greedy / grabby & who also thinks so little of me (as he obviously sees you as some sort of freeloader & he's ensuring you don't take advantage of him!).

MitzyLeFrouf · 20/10/2016 14:56

It's irrelevant what he has to pay for the home, and therefore irrelevant that he gets it free from a trust. The value of something is not what it costs to provide, but what it can be sold for.

This is a very Gradgrindian approach.

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 14:58

He is subsidising her if he gives her something in return for a payment of less than it's worth.

Oh, you are one of the twats that argue that social housing rents are "subsidised" just because they are lower than "market rents". Hmm

(This is by definition of "subsidy" as far as I'm concerned, so can't be argued with.)

Grin

Yay! A man is here to define the terms of the argument himself.

A subsidy requires some liss on the part of the subsidiser.

Otherwise they are doing nothing.

It's like when my 6 year old got upset that her sister was stealing from her by smling all her perfume. Grin

Admittedly she was only 5 at the time.

Callipygian · 20/10/2016 14:58

One other thing to consider, is that if you are paying him 850 a month as a tenant, and he has a good professional job, he will probably have to pay a significant proportion of that as tax as his tax band will be high.

SeaEagleFeather · 20/10/2016 14:59

Don't ever, ever be in a position of dependency on this man. He thinks that what's his is his, and ways to make sure what's yours is his too.

What'd it be like if you have children with him and you're reliant on him? The thought is a nightmare. Don't even dare think about what it'd be like financially if you then split up.

But really, once he came out with this shit why are you even with him? He's looking to make money off you, his girlfriend. Whatever you've invested in this relationship, it's a lost cause. You've seen his underlying character.

milkyface · 20/10/2016 14:59

Ergo he sounds perfectly awful. I would leave him!!

Market rates for your partner? Ugh. Low!!!

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 14:59

smelling all her perfume

OldBootNewBoots · 20/10/2016 15:00

yes my dh's family tried to give him some helpful advice about it being inadvisable for us to get a joint account 20 years ago as he had a graduate job and I didn't quite at that point, and he told them it was none of their business. If your OH is actively soliciting advice on protecting himself from a relationship breakdown, again, it's all a bit cynical for me.

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 15:02

*The value of something is not what it costs to provide, but what it can be sold for.

Well he can't sell someone the right to be his live in girlfriend.

So even by your logic, its value is zero.

JoffreyBaratheon · 20/10/2016 15:02

OK, I'm going to be honest.

Run! Run like the wind!

mmgirish · 20/10/2016 15:06

OP, what is your next move?

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 15:07

(This is by definition of "subsidy" as far as I'm concerned, so can't be argued with.)

Ha ha! "You can't argue with me, because I am telling you I am correct".

As to him being honest about his motives; he is usually quite honest, so I'd be surprised if he was hiding anything from me.

I'm not very surprised no one else has found themselves in a similar situation, although that does highlight how bonkers it is!

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 20/10/2016 15:07

Simple, don't move in with him.

Until you were married & shared joint finances etc, I wouldn't expect to live rent free. If that was reversed, you'd be called a cocklodger.