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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
Cherylene · 20/10/2016 16:37

What Oldboots said.

If it is the family who are the trustees and have a hand in this, he is still a man in his thirties with a 2 year relationship behind him who should be able to make his own judgements.

To come up with this so late in the proceedings comes across as rather uncaring.

dowhatnow · 20/10/2016 16:37

Just go 50/50 on the money you will be saving. Surely you both benefit equally then?

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 16:39

I have been lectured before about saving before actually.

And I did point out that saving £1.5k+ a month is rather easy when you have no outgoings!

The idea of us both paying ‘rent’ into shared savings is a good idea though. Although as I say, I am not very keen on living with him in light of this (and how he has reacted to it!)

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2016 16:40

Tbf I would rather pay rent to a LL, have a proper contract and rights, than this arrangement. It seems like he is taking advantage, and living bill and mortgage free, whilst you are paying a lot.

ClashCityRocker · 20/10/2016 16:40

Is the flat itself in trust? If so, there may be rules prohibiting non-beneficiaries living there without paying market rent.

In this case, you would be effectively renting from the trust, not your dp, so your money would be going into the trust and presumably taxed appropriately.

If it's a discretionary trust I don't believe it will be part of his estate when he dies in any event - i also don't think it would count as his asset in the event of you separating, married or not, because he doesn't actually own it, the trust does but this might have changed recently. I know family law gets bloody complicated where trusts are involved.

However, he should have bloody explained that at the time.

Alternatively, he could just be a tosser with no sense. I suspect this is actually the case.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2016 16:41

No this would be a massive dealbreaker tbf!

venusinscorpio · 20/10/2016 16:42

He either wants the OP to move I. As his girlfriend or he wants a lodger and the rent money he thinks he can get. It's not reasonable for him to expect the OP to want to be treated as a lodger.

venusinscorpio · 20/10/2016 16:44

If the trust issue is a thing then he needs to rent the place out and then he and the OP can rent somewhere else and share all the costs.

MoveItMoveItMoveIt · 20/10/2016 16:44

Is this real?!

What a mean grasping arsehole. Why are you with him? When I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) he wouldn't take money off me (rented flat, we earned the same) and I had to force money on him! Even your boyfriend's suggestion would make me dump him. He doesn't even have any costs?!!!

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 16:44

No, all his, there are no rules about other people living there. He would have mentioned that.

He just thinks that is the market rate, so I can be expected to pay it. He actually thinks it is slightly below market rate, so is a good deal.

Maybe he is just a bit crazy.

OP posts:
blaeberry · 20/10/2016 16:45

I haven't read all the thread but I think where his living costs come from is a bit irrelevant. If you are contributing equally then the fact that his contribution is from a family trust doesn't matter. The family trust is still 'his' contribution. Nor should it matter if he gets to 'keep' your contribution. I still think he is a dick for asking you to pay but that is a seperate issue from saying you want to pay equally but not count the family trust as his contribution.

ClashCityRocker · 20/10/2016 16:46

But if the flat is owned by the trust, he can't rent it out. The trust could, and generate income for the trust.

I'd agree I'd rather live elsewhere than have to charge my partner market rent or have it dictated to me who I could live with though.

ClashCityRocker · 20/10/2016 16:47

Ah x-post.

In which case, yup, he's crazier than a sackful of ferrets.

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 16:47

It is indeed real.

He is also very upset with me for saying no (most likely for saying I didn't want to live with him) - we haven't spoken since!

His siblings have had partners move into their places, so it isn't an issue to have live-in partners. Maybe I should investigate and see if they are being asked to pay/have ever been asked to pay.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 20/10/2016 16:49

But you are still getting the better deal by you both putting 'rent' into a savings account. Why do you keep ignoring the 50/50 of the money you are saving?
I think actually you do want a subsidy as such.

OldBootNewBoots · 20/10/2016 16:49

i'm always deeply suspicious of 'crazy' people where the craziness works in their favour, I've met a fair few. Have you asked him why he thinks you'd want to live as a lodger paying market rates with him after 2 years? Was this really his grand offering to you? People like this should get the partners they deserve.

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 16:50

He owns the house outright himself.

I agree that where his money comes from is completely irrelevant - the issue is paying 'rent' on a room which does not cost him anything, and I will be sharing with him.

He's found an easy way to make a bit of cash on the side, but that way of making cash on the side is me!

OP posts:
OldBootNewBoots · 20/10/2016 16:52

it's not particularly grasping to be hurt when someone you thought viewed you as a life partner that you've been with long enough to be entitled to have expectations about the future turns around and asks for a market rent for half a room...tbf, if I had a DS in his 30s who was treating his gf like this, I'd wonder what he was playing at, it's hardly a youthful crush that'll likely peter out.

teraculum29 · 20/10/2016 16:53

Dear OP,

So he basically asking u, to pay that he sleeps with u, do his laundry, cleaning and cooking.

And £850 is a lot for a room, u could get a studio flat for that price

dowhatnow · 20/10/2016 16:54

You could put your current rent and bill money (approx £1000) into a joint savings account for you both to enjoy, but I fail to see why you are expecting him to put in the equivalent.

venusinscorpio · 20/10/2016 16:55

Dowhat, if he's serious about the relationship and their future he shouldn't be treating the OPs living costs as income for himself. Well he can try, but there is no reason to expect that the OP would be happy with that. I wouldn't and she isn't. If he's not that serious about the relationship, perhaps they have different expectations. Either way the OP doesn't have to accept it.

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 16:55

dowhatnow

I would be very happy to live elsewhere - the basic facts are that he owns a flat, and I do not. It makes the most sense for me to live there, rather than us find somewhere else.

It is not a 'subsidy' if your outgoings are suddenly lower. I am not saving any money at his expense; it's just a consequence of the new, lower outgoings.

I want to share costs, not pay premium based on 'market demand'. If he needed a new sofa, I am sure I would pay half. Am I then subsidising him? No - I am contributing to the household.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 20/10/2016 16:56

Personally I think the LL & T thing has two main benefits -

One, he makes money.

Two, legally it makes this relationship very easy for him to end with minimal fuss and consequences.

Letting you move in without paying market rent is obviously the reverse of this situation.

Statelychangers · 20/10/2016 16:57

I think if you want to move in with him, you need to have a very frank discussion about money - alarm bells over money should be taken v seriously, a lifetime listening to my parents bickering over who paid for what has scarred me and they are 84 ffs and still at it - they can't take it with them! He should rent out his house and you both should rent a place together, it keeps things equal.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 20/10/2016 16:57

He will be richer and you will be poorer I'm so glad you told him no. I think you need to meet someone who will treat you nice and not try to control you. I have never known anyone to behave like that are you sure he's not from another planet.