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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

'supported living for challenging youngsters' being built next door.

728 replies

getyourselfchecked · 18/10/2016 11:01

NC for this as could be outing. This is more of a WWYD really. I am at risk of sounding like a right NIMBY and I hate that its bringing this out in me but...
I am a single parent about to move to a new house. Building work has started on a 'supported living for challenging youngsters' development right next door.
Now, I have lived in some of the most gang-riven areas in the country without a thought but in my old age and with a child I admit I am worried about crime, drugs and ability to sell house on. I love the house and everything else is good.
WWYD? Still proceed with the purchase?

This is a genuine post, I don't have many people to discuss this with and I have never worried about house values etc in my life! I am genuinely surprised at my reaction to this.

OP posts:
petitpois55 · 19/10/2016 11:59

Auser You really are starting to sound a bit obsessed. Why don't you let it go now, for your own sake as much as anything.
The thread has been looked at, and there was no Disabilsm apart from the imaginings of a few posters.

I have found it very very illuminating that practically all PP who have worked in difficult settings, such as the one the OP seems to be referring to, would not want to live in such close proximity to such a set up either.

In fact even one very honest PP ( sorry can't remember which) has said that when she was going through a very hard time, her behaviour was not something that she would want her own child to witness, or be subjected to.
To me that was very telling. Very brave of her to admit thatFlowers
Sadly, there is a cohort of posters who seem to almost lie in wait in order to pounce on anything or anybody and twist what they are saying to suit their agenda. I have seen this on lots of different threads.

I read some of the Disabilist thread on site stuff, and it seemed to consist of posters chomping at the bit to look for threads where they might find something that they could accuse posters of doing or saying, so that they could call it Disabilist.
Very sad indeed, - not least for all the very reasonable posters who had experience of parenting disabled children, or those who have close family members with difficult behaviour.
To all of you, very best wishes Flowers

DixieNormas · 19/10/2016 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/10/2016 11:59

yeah, I wouldn't buy that either. I am ever so pleased they have a home- but as a financial investment its not great

ChathamDockyard · 19/10/2016 12:02

It's such a shame that threads like this end up being so angry and polarized. I generally think I'm a nice person who is considerate and kind to others but even so Mumsnet has really helped open my eyes to a lot of issues.

However threads like this are just awful. I don't understand why posters have to be so aggressive and nasty. It's obnoxious and must put off lots of posters who would like a genuine conversation. If you have a solid point to make then why not just present it rationally and ignore posters who are spoiling for a fight.

I wonder if these posters that get beside themselves with anger behave like that in real life situations or whether their angry ranting is saved for online interactions.

OurBlanche · 19/10/2016 12:04

I can barely even see to type the tears are blinding me. OK, not peurile. Three-hankie tear jerkers....

Why? If you really are intent on raising awareness, helping people see how so much of their 'go to' thoughts are unintentionally disablist, that society is being so, has no idea just how bad the situation is, why goad, poke, snark at posters who, whilst often very robust, have often tried to enter into discussion?

WHY?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/10/2016 12:06

disbalist? I would assume these homes are for damaged youngsters from highly abusive/dysfunctional and deprived backgrounds.

why would anyone even imagine that this would be the appropriate environment for a disabled child, sheesh

Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 12:09

Blanche that was spiteful.

Pagwatch · 19/10/2016 12:12

Stopfuckingshoutingatme.

Prison populations contain disproportionately high numbers of people with learning difficulties. I think it's probably safe to assume that a decent proprtion of teenagers exhibiting challenging behaviours have SN/LDs

I think that's the point various posters have been trying to make.

OurBlanche · 19/10/2016 12:12

That might have been clearer to you stopshouting had some posters explained instead of complained.

Disabled as in having cognitive, social, behavioural issues, rather than physical ones... in this specific case!

As auster said, in between shouting, many homeless people do have mental heath issues. Young people in such supported homes may have been through the care system, again many have a litany of issues.

Amid all the hissy fit and shouting there is a perfectly legitimate point. It is just a pity that, over the past few months on MN, the message is being drowned by the shrieking!

OurBlanche · 19/10/2016 12:14

Blanche that was spiteful. Why? Crying at me wasn't spiteful?

Am I not allowed to match invective? To use similar approach to get my point across?

Whilst you are there, WHY? Why are you all, the we you have mentioned a fair few times, using this combative approach?

Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 12:17

You've just appeared and starting laying into Auser. Then had a go at her for crying. I thought that was spiteful.

Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 12:19

I'm not using any approach, I'm supporting the parents and family of people who feel this shit is the straw that is breaking the camels back. People like Auser have had enough of various threads being left up when all they do is display casual disabilism and nothing is done. We don't agree but that is ok. You getting personal though, there was no need for it.

Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 12:22

blanche look lets just see it for what it is. I think this has pushed certain people to the brink, and they feel nothing is done regularly by MNHQ. it's ok for us not to agree with that. Personally when I see threads like this AND others, they make me wince; I know what people are going to say and it's disappointing. But hey ho.

The people that are trying to contact MNHQ are parents/ sisters /brothers/ wives/etc of people who have a disability or they have a disability themselves. We're not looking for a row, just want to be listened to.

Hateloggingin · 19/10/2016 12:25

We've got to the point of being nasty over someone else being moved to tears?? Have a look at yourself in the mirror, how is this nice behaviour?

OurBlanche · 19/10/2016 12:28

Me getting personal? OK...

  1. I have absolutely no reason to believe that anyone is crying whilst posting. On top of the other emotional laden posts from auser and others I read that as emotional blackmail - saying something designed to make posters back off, to shut down something a poster does not want to deal with.
  1. I have once quoted auser, wasn't being spiteful, not laying into anyone - or any more of that overly emotional invective you may choose to throw at me.
  1. If you truly want to support anyone I suggest you stop and re-think your plan of attack... as that is what many posters, yourself included, are doing attacking posters here, and MN itself, for not doing, saying, thinking as you would wish them to.
  1. I am sure that those parents would be very grateful to you, if you are also doing something to support them in the real world!

All in all the question still remains unanswered.. Why choose to be so combative, so offputting, so aggressive in a cause you profess to support?

I'm off to the shops, so any delay in response is not fear, self loathing etc Smile

Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 12:31

blanche ive tried to be reasonable in my replies to you, and you're just rude. How do you know what I do in real life?! You know nothing about me at all. I have been part of an ongoing conversation with the people involved in this for a while now and the support is invaluable to them. There's no malice in this whatsoever. If you feel I have been agressive which I know I haven't, hit that report button.

What you choose to believe is your business.

Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 12:32

And I haven't attacked anybody, please show me where I have. I have defended the people who have been told they 'have issues', have been shouted down continually etc.

Mozfan1 · 19/10/2016 12:33

Sorry that came out wrong, by the support is invaluable to them, I mean having a place to vent/rant/get things off their chest is invaluable. I didn't mean I'm some sort of expert!

Amandahugandkisses · 19/10/2016 12:35

I live on the same road as a house like one mentioned by the OP but just a day learning / treatment centre. However I'm lucky enough to be at the opposite end of the street. It's a really nice area. The houses who live nearby have had letters set fire to and put into their letterbox, the police are there daily, the pavements nearby are covered in spit and litter, cars are vandalised. I feel so sorry for the young adults there. But the thought of it being a permanent residence and would make me fear for my family. It's not the same as living next door to a family with a child with AN at all. Honestly no comparison.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/10/2016 12:37

However threads like this are just awful. I don't understand why posters have to be so aggressive and nasty. It's obnoxious and must put off lots of posters who would like a genuine conversation.

I agree. I am disabled. I have disabled DC.

The OP imo wasn't being disabilist.

AGruffaloCrumble · 19/10/2016 12:39

People complaining about other people getting personal by getting personal. All you're doing is scaring people off by being so aggressive and mean. I have a disability and I've tried to understand and learn when you cry disablism but on this thread I definitely do not see it. It just feels like constantly spoiling for a fight. You catch more flies with honey and all that.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/10/2016 12:54

Prison populations contain disproportionately high numbers of people with learning difficulties

yeah, that probably should have occurred to me. I am very aware that the prison population has high percentages of children from care background, and the mental illness link should have occured

I think if behaviour is unpleasant, we should be allowed to find it unpleasant without the stigma of being called disbalist

and we need way more compassion as a society in how we address it

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 19/10/2016 12:56

It's very interesting that posters have chosen this thread to go all anti-disablism on. There's been some awful posts on this site about/towards people with MH issues and they haven't appeared on those threads.

My own disability would probably lead to me killing myself if I had to live next door to screaming, shouting, shit through letterbox etc. Why should anyone have to live with that? Perhaps we could draw up a list of posters who'd be happy to and make sure they move there, so those who would rather have decent neighbours can live elsewhere.

I also have a criminal rercord from breech of the peace type stuff from when I was very unwell and targetted by abusive men, so may I suggest you direct your energies about disablism elsewhere, like to the system that criminalises people?

PersianCatLady · 19/10/2016 13:04

Some people are projecting the attitude that the OP should not have the right to take into consideration the effect of living next door to a whole house of homeless young people when buying a new home.

In an ideal world every one should be able to live together with no problems and the considerations that the OP is thinking about wouldn't matter, BUT THEY DO.

I think that the OP has actually been really lucky to find out about this homeless hostel before it was too late to change her mind.

I also think that it is really unreasonable for any one to expect her to just invest in her new home and hope for the best as a wrong decision now could affect her family for a long time to come.

QueenJuggler · 19/10/2016 13:06

Honestly, isn't the issue here simply the fact that nearly all teenagers, when in group situations, behave without a huge amount of regard for people living around them. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to live next to any of the student houses I occupied in the past. The loud music, the coming and going at all hours, the drinking and parties - we were probably vile neighbours.

Or have teenagers suddenly become more considerate since I was one?

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