To have a strict routine for Dcs

[GonicaMeller]

DS is year 9, DD year 7.

They come in at 4. They have to do their homework then. We eat at half five. Then they are allowed to watch TV, go on phones etc.

They have to wear their uniforms I can't cope with extra washing, obviously I let them loosen their top button take ties off etc.

DD thinks I am too strict, am I? They go to bed at 9.

Service washes cost a fortune.

I'd rather spend my money on activities for my children than laundering clothes they've made a mess of when there's a dead simple solution.

Maybe so but the op is living in a house with no heating and no adequate way to dry clothes. And counting out cost of driving to and from activities. Spending money on skiing and riding seems rather odd in those circa.

Maybe she rents her house. No big deal is it?

I assume OP lives somewhere where skiing is plentiful (as let's face it, her DD isn't off skiing each weekend in say Cheltenham)

Even if she rents she has no adequate way to dry clothes is counting out the cost of to and from local activities yet has money to spend on riding and skiing? That must be £50 a week right there.

OP I'm worried about you, you seem really down. Are you ok?

Well. If she was in somewhere abroad with plentiful skiing wouldn't there also be adequate heating?

My dx put their pjs on unless the have an after school activity , much comfier.
Otherwise yanbu.

Oh for goodness sake. What's the point in all these assumptions? Of course you can live somewhere with skiing and people can have no heating. Scotland for example. However, we don't know what's going on so what's the point in picking holes?

It's a bit bloody daft to be saying you can't afford to go to the library and you can't dry clothes if you're dropping £££ on skiing and riding !

I will say, OP, that it is clear you have high aspirations for your children and I don't think anyone would fault you on that. You clearly care a lot about them having a good future and are proactive in trying to achieve that.

However you're obviously questioning your approach, as is your daughter. There have been a lot of suggestions about ways to make some small changes as your children are getting older and deserve a bit more freedom and responsibility, which will also help set them up for the future (and I don't mean 'buy a tumble drier'!)

I hope you can take something from this thread and find an approach that works for all of you.

Speaking from personal experience, if you have no radiators/dryer the worst thing you can do is leave DC in school uniform in the evening as they will spill tea/milk/yoghurt/hot chocolate down them just before bed.

A onesie each (and uniform hung up immediately) which can be washed at the weekend and/or midweek is much the quickest solution.

My Yr 9 like me would have been desperate to come home and take her bra off, never mind only being allowed to undo the top button!

After school, dd and ds1 (14 & 12) get changed into joggers/hoodie usually. Walk the dogs for a bit. Come home, read, tea, homework/revision, some screen time, more reading/homework, bed.
Your routine isn't that strict, but I would let them get changed

9pm isn't early my year 7 goes to bed at 8.15 on a school night, 9 otherwise.

I don't think any of the things OP has posted about are problematic in isolation. Some teens need an early bed time - they may be up and out early, or just need it and relish the sleep. Tea at 5.30 is fine. Homework straightaway on the strict side, but fine.

Even not changing out of uniform is fine if it's the DC's choice, although OP implies not.

It's all of these things together, the DD saying it's too strict and the impression OP is giving of things being very regimented and unchangeable.

The routine does sound rather rigid and unnecessarily strict IMO. Let them wear what they want after school. When you come home from work, don't you change into more comfortable clothing? The idea that your children need your permission to remove their ties or unbutton their top shirt button seems ludicrous. They are in secondary school! Clothing decisions should be entirely up to them (assuming clothing is weather- and age-appropriate).

If you don't want to do more laundry, this would be the perfect opportunity to teach them how to use the washing machine, if they don't already know.

Their homework takes an hour or so, right? Why not let them decide when to do it? It might make more sense for them to take advantage of the daylight hours to visit friends, participate in other activities, etc. I do think that kids of their ages should have a certain degree of freedom in deciding their schedules. Or they could wind up like some of my university students who fall apart completely without a parent to tell them what to do.

I think you're getting a really hard time here op.

I don't see anything wrong with a 9pm bedtime. Far better than the students I used to teach who couldn't concentrate because they'd been playing computer games until the early hours

My bedtime as a child was 9pm for years. I'd then lie in bed and read, so lights out was 9.30/10, depending on age.

We also ate at 5.30 or 6 too. As an adult I moved it much later and ate between 7 and 8. However now I have young children and only want to cook once a night, dinner is back to 5.30/6pm. I really see nothing wrong with this.

The only thing I see as really strict is not allowing them to change. Maybe if they had some comfy clothes they could change into after school that would be nice.

Personally I always wanted to chill after school, and then do homework. But actually it is much better to get it out the way, so I think you're instilling good habits in them by getting them to do homework first.

And whichever pp said that homework at this age is max 1 hour, I disagree. Maybe y7, but y9's often have at least an hour and a half. And this will increase for GCSE and A level.

OP, I have a 13 yr old and an 11 yr old and we have a routine as well.

We start with snacks/food, then 2 hours chilling out. then dinner at around 6:00

Then today up together and homework at 6:30

My 11 yr old gets to bed at 9, my 13 yr old at 10 (wifi off, no devices in bedroom)

We play around with it a bit on nights they have sports (so HW before dinner if it's judo at 7)

I think routines are great.

Like you, I sometimes feel a bit disconcerted by the lack of homework for my kids, and I have made a rule that on days there is no HW, or just 5 mins homework, that they spend 30-45 minutes reading a book

I used to try online tutoring programs, for DS who struggles with English.

So I get where you are coming from.

Mine also wear their uniform (minus tie) but that is because they are too lazy to change! Often they have an early shower/bath though and then wear PJs or onesie.

yanbu. Think you have been given a bit of a hard time here!

OP - I hope you're ok?

Did you say your DC's school finishes at 3pm? Well that's really early, if so. Relax -you have loads of time!

I have 2 boys, one in Year 7 and one in year 9. Their school doesn't finish until 4 and they travel by bus to get in for 5 (often via Starbucks or Bubbleolgy) They do after school activities 3 nights a week. We're in central London so traffic is what it is. I also have 2 younger girls, 8 and 6. It's full on.

Just let them get changed and have a snack when they get in. The homework will be all the better for it. My DS' are in a very academic school, but often do very minimal homework during the week and catch up on the weekends. 4 hours per night is unheard of and would be totally counterproductive anyway. I would rather they do a good job of homework when they're I the mood, than a a poor job because it has to be done at a certain time. Increasingly, DS1 gets a lot done during the day at school because their lunch hour is 1h 20 mins to allow them to do clubs in this time.

Why does your cat pee on the clothes if they are left on the floor? This is very unusual behaviour. Is the cat very stressed? We have 3 high-maintenance cats, but that has never happened.

My kids are in very full on schools and I know they work hard in the day, so home is for relaxing as far as possible. Let them wear comfy clothes, get some nice snacks in, and learn how to balance their own time. We all work better in these conditions.

Yes I think you are too strict.

I have 1 in year 8
1 in year 10
and 2 in 6th form So I think I can talk the talk here

I do not tell my children when to do their homework. However they know it has to be done and before they get over tired over it.

I do not tell my children they have to change out of uniform or stay in uniform - They do have to do their own laundry though. (I am with you I cant deal with the extra laundry - but I dont think it is my job to either)

I do not tell my children when to go to bed. They have different needs for sleep. However if they sit yawning etc then they will be told to go to bed earlier that day. They all in y7 misused this until they got used to it and yes it is a crappy few weeks until they sort it out. However y8 dd3 is not a high need of sleep person. If I was to make her go to bed at 9 she would not be sleeping just lie there.. She tends to go about 10 is always up and out in time for school the next day. Not a grumpy teenager Y10 DS however is very active in sports and he needs more sleep he often takes himself off at 9 to sleep. Today he has gone upstairs already.
6th form dd1 and 2 have days they go at 9-10 days they stay up to midnight. They are capable of sorting their own sleeping patterns as I have trusted them to do so.

Unlike many I do not limit phone and internet usage. I have never felt the need to my children are responsible with this I know I have been lucky there.

As I am writing this dd3 who is in y8 has just run past me on one of her regular rushes through the house evening things she does. makes me laugh. She is in her school uniform. DD2 is upstairs in her own clothing the same she went to school in, DS year 10 is in his pjs. DD1 is at work for another 10 minutes.

Lol. My df thought we should change out of our uniforms to keep them neat. Never could be bothered until we heard his bike squeak up the road. We then had three minutes to get changed before he came in.
Until that wretched blackbird learnt to imitate the squeak!

Wow what a lot of really horrible replies here! Who gives a duck what someone's posting style is like fgs? Or why they haven't got a tumble drier?

Anyway, OP if this is what works for you, what's the problem? If DD feels too much routine, you could discuss with her how to relax it all while still getting homework done etc. I honestly don't see a problem, and think posting in aibu has just given some people a chance to jump in to snipe.

People really aren't hearing the OP.
She has very real money and time constraints.
She sleeps in the living room, and must be in bed by 10 because of her early start.

Before you call her regimented and joyless, consider how flexible and joy filled you would be operating within the same limits. She did accept the general message that she was being too prescriptive with good grace. The rudeness is unfair.

I think they are hearing the OP, wind, but it's not just about her life. Allowing kids to be kids and enjoy their childhood is really important. I always felt so sorry for the kids at school with regimented and restricted home lives. Never seemed fair to me then and doesn't now.

When my DD reaches 11 I will generally expect her home from school, changed, snack and out with her mates for a few hours before tea.

Though OP - I will say that it's hard to gather from your posts what home is really like for your kids. I am sure it's not quite a restricted as the short posts lead us to believe? My view would be later bedtimes. If you go to sleep at 10 the why not let them stay up until then? And get them out of their uniforms and encourage them to go out with their mates after school or find some other activities/clubs.