To have a strict routine for Dcs

[GonicaMeller]

DS is year 9, DD year 7.

They come in at 4. They have to do their homework then. We eat at half five. Then they are allowed to watch TV, go on phones etc.

They have to wear their uniforms I can't cope with extra washing, obviously I let them loosen their top button take ties off etc.

DD thinks I am too strict, am I? They go to bed at 9.

[Bogeyface]

They really will rebel you know.

They all do.

I have really great kids (imo!) but they still push back against the rules, it what they do to assert their independence, and the more rules, the more rebellion.....

[WankersHacksandThieves]

...and 9pm bed is very early if that's in bed and lights out. At that age some of their activities didn't end until half 9!

[OutDamnedWind]

OP, I might be going out in a limb, but do you struggle for money? Are you able to afford a few extra pairs of joggers/jeans for them to wear? Is there an element of needing/wanting to keeo their 'own' clothes in v good condition. Because you can't afford more?

[BearFeet]

You or the kids pick the jeans up then. I'm really struggling with this. I spill stuff on my jeans too. If I get some yogurt on a clean pair of jeans I'll still get my 3 7 days wear out of them though. And your dc aren't even wearing them out of the house.

[NorahBhone]

Whilst at university I lived with with some very bright people. They could not however motivate themselves to study. They now had no one locking them in their bedrooms every evening so went out instead.

Conversely my parents were very relaxed didn't care about homework. Me and my siblings had to motivate ourselves. I don't recommend my parents ways but I think there is a middle ground.

[BaldBaby1970]

You sleep in the lounge? Well then I can understand a little why you would want them away by 9pm.

[GonicaMeller]

Yeh easy to say Bear, they are kids, they forget, and so do I.

Money is always a struggle :) Hopefully things will be different for the kids.

[Parsley1234]

You sound like you're really doing your best in circumstances not ideal am I right? It sounds like your friends children are st a better school than yours and you are concerned they aren't going to progress as well ? I think you're not English too ? I understand your concerns and for some people who are concerned about education your routine would be normal especially in London and in private preps where a lot of children have 1-2 hours private tutoring after each school day .

[Sunnydawn]

I have a year 8 (and a year 5). He organises his own homework, and often prefers to do it all at a weekend if he can as he says he feels fresher.

I get the washing thing, but I ask ds to change into jigging bottoms and a T-shirt so he can relax a bit.

The main difference between my routine and yours, however, is the clubs and interests. Ds1 plays sport 3 times a week, and music once a week. Younger ds currently has 7 clubs outside school.

Do they have any other interests?

[GonicaMeller]

Not English? [ confused]

They aren't really interested in anything. DD likes horses. DS likes skiing.

[anotheronebitthedust]

homework straight after school - ok as long as they don't mind, I can see how it's useful to get into a routine and then not have to worry about it. However if they would prefer to chill for half an hour first (or if they want to go out one evening), then do it, I would let them swap, as pp have said it's good training for when they have to work independently.

tea at 5:30 - again ok as long as they're hungry by this time/not hungry again at bedtime. I assume you cook so fair enough if this is the most convenient time for you. I hate MN 'time of evening meal=class connotations' snobbiness. However my school lunch ended at 2:20 so I hated eating tea at 5pm but that was the time my mother wanted to cook it so had to put up with it!

bed at 9 - seems early to me but depends, if they're tired and sleep straightaway and this means they have enough sleep fine, if they're broed and lying in bed not falling asleep until 11 seems a waste of time. Plus your DS might get the piss taken out of him by mates if they find out he has such an early bedtime.

Keeping them in uniform but "allowing them to undo top button" - incredibly controlling!!! So what if they put clothes on the floor, they can pick them back off the floor and put them on again the next evening if they're just hoodies and joggers and they're not going anywhere.

Basically you've said what you and DH think but not what your DC think. Their opinions are more relevant than a bunch of randoms on an internet forum. If they are happy with all of the above, carry on. If they are resentful or miserable then consider making some changes.

[OutDamnedWind]

Why does your DD think you're too strict? What would she like to change?

[GonicaMeller]

Hardly anyone is reading my replies I don't think :)

[WindPowerRanger]

Well, my mother was a teacher all her working life, and felt strongly that children need downtime after school, which could mean heading off to an activity or just rest/telly/reading etc at home. We had tea and telly after school every day. My mother read Things I Think You Ought To Know About out of her newspaper, whether we wanted her to or not. Then it was homework, chores, dinner.

A break with a small snack before homework is preferable to having to do it as soon as they get home. And something comfortable to change into, especially in cold weather, is a must in my house. Not best or going out clothes, just hoodies and joggers as others have said.

Also, if you want to keep the 9pm bedtime, which is very early, then let them read for a while in bed, or any quiet activity like sketching or crafts. One of the best ways you can compensate for an indifferent school is to encourage wide reading, both fiction and non-fiction. Send them off with a book, tea or hot choc and have lights out at 9:30 or 9:45.

Or just hang out with them. I had some of the best times of my childhood just lounging about with my siblings and parents, being daft. My parents used to do impressions of funny people at work. We told them school gossip, etc.

[GonicaMeller]

Yes, they do read.

[SaucyJack]

Mine never get changed after school either. I've never stopped them- they're just not fussed.

Even now DD1 has started secondary and has to wear a nasty nylon travel agent costume, she still doesn't bother.

I really don't think it's that big a deal.

[PinkissimoAndPearls]

There's something a bit strange about your responses here, to me, but it's hard to articulate why. You sound very...robotic? I don't know why but I'm expecting a huge drip feed, is there anything else going on in your/DCs' lives?

Re the routines, you are totally setting yourself and your DC up for arguments in the future. Allowed to undo their top button? Homework straight away, their preferences not even being taken into account?

In what ways are you helping them towards being independent, autonomous adults, which is what you should be doing certainly with your Yr 9er?

Let them wear onesies like mine when they get in and ask them what time they would like to eat/do homework/chill etc? Would they like to do an activity/see friends? Let them enjoy their school years and develop the skills they need, it's time.

I get money is an issue, I know teens are £££ and I've also had to sleep in the lounge so I do understand, but it doesn't mean you all can't be happy. You don't sound very happy here and I wonder if your DC are.

[WankersHacksandThieves]

The cost of clothes is a it of a red herring too. they could put on their PJs if they aren't going out. Mine generally shove a pair of shorts and a t-shirt on. They wear it for a few days if all they've done is sit about in their bedroom. They are still wearing shorts that I paid £1.99 for in H&M 5 years ago. (legs got longer but doesn't matter for shorts, and they have elastic waist so still fit)

[HSMMaCM]

Did comes in, has a snack and changes into her pyjamas.

The homework before other stuff is a good habit to get into.

Bed by 9 is not such a bad thing if they're allowed to read a book or whatever before they fall asleep. Teenagers do need a lot of sleep.

[PinkissimoAndPearls]

And if they start homework straight away, when do you have the "oh my god right you won't believe what happened in DT and they she said and then he said and I was all like oh my god legit yeah totally I was like what the and then she said and then I said and then he said and it was like burn oh my god" conversations

[GonicaMeller]

Not sure about robotic. Probably just tired :)

Clothes - mainly so don't end up with mountains of washing. I feel like the washing machine is never off as it is.

It probably is too strict and I need to lighten up. It's just difficult to know where to start as I have one child who does need a routine and one who doesn't, so much.

DS used to come in, watch tv, chill, then forget his homework fhen tears the next morning, so now I just say to them both, do it when you get in.

[BaldBaby1970]

One of the best ways you can compensate for an indifferent school is to encourage wide reading, both fiction and non-fiction.

This is a good thought.

I would say that in the face of a failing school the best thing to do would be to find ways of motivating them, keeping positive about their future and eager to learn. There are more creative and engaging ways to help them stay on track with their learning than four hours additional study a night.

[TheHubblesWindscreenWipers]

Making them keep uniforms on is very controlling - let them come in from school, snack, drink, change, bit of downtime then say, homework completed by x time, then the rest of the evening to relax.
At 11 and 13 you may find they will respond better by having more control over their lives. Things like schoolwork are abalance between pushing to get it done and motivating them to get it done themselves. I never needed nagging , I've always been very academic but I'd have hated to do it straight away or told to do it at a set time.
Give them freedom within boundaries. Homework needs to be done before 7:30
Clothes can be worn at will but they help with the laundry, etc. Giving them control and agency is a good thing at this age.
If your cat is weeing on clothing then it either has a bladder problem or a psychological problem - stress can lead to them doing this.

You sound a bit down to me - are you ok?

[Catsick36]

I used to put mine in pjs once she got home. Spare the uniform it's more expensive then pjs or joggers. And if dinner gets down it you have a rush wash job on to get clean for the next day.
Good job brainwashing them and teaching them how to be controlled. That will be by anyone that tells them what to do. I know that because my mother did what you're doing and I am a sheep because of it.