To have a strict routine for Dcs

[GonicaMeller]

DS is year 9, DD year 7.

They come in at 4. They have to do their homework then. We eat at half five. Then they are allowed to watch TV, go on phones etc.

They have to wear their uniforms I can't cope with extra washing, obviously I let them loosen their top button take ties off etc.

DD thinks I am too strict, am I? They go to bed at 9.

I feel for the OP too. I'm very tired and want to post and interact but can only manage short posts/ sentences or I just end up garbling. Or conversely, one long post like this, and that might well be it.

Also it can be hard to keep up with a thread if you don't make short posts. I'm not a long-time user of forums so perhaps this is my lack of practice or familiarity. Might be the same for the OP.

The only thing I can see that I consider too strict is the not changing out of uniform. I think the deal should be that they pick up their clothes and co-operate with the washing schedule given the limited drying facilities. If they leave the clothes and the cat pees on them then they clean it up and lose out on their hobby that week. Or explain to them that a drier or other solution could be bought if they skip so many weeks of their hobbies! I think they are old enough to undstand this and with DD asking it is a good opportunity to make changes and increase their responsibility.

And DD could do her homework by X o'clock but she has to earn that trust/ responsibility. DS should see that is fair and he could earn that too.

I can totally see why the OP would save on certain things so her kids can have interesting hobbies on the weekend. Kids need to learn that resources (energy, time, money etc) are finite and there is a trade off between everything.

Eating 'early' is not weird or a crime!! It is just personal choice or practicality.

Routine and practicality don't have to mean a joyless existence. Anything boiled down to the bare details might sound that way.

The DCs have pretty much 3 hours a night after dinner to do as they please Then presumably some more time in bed before sleep to think, read, draw, play or whatever. Not exactly Oliver Twists or Orphan Annies

Aside from the uniform thing, it's more lenient than my own upbringing which I don't think was strict, just busy.

At that age, I was training in the morning and after school, then had to do piano practice. Was usually in bed by 8:30 and fit homework in whenever I could.

Needless to say I wasn't in my uniform as after training then showering I either went straight to pjs depending on the time or trackpants and a t shirt. Uniforms don't really lend themselves to relaxing so I think their downtime after tea is really their own.

Could they be allowed to bring a friend home after school sometimes?
I think you sound like a fantastic mum. Just let them have some fun time at home sometimes, play a game together or have a friend round or pop out for half an hour. I know it gets dark at 6 but you have three hours till then!
💐

Nothing wrong with doing homework straight away. It encourages them to get it out of the way early & builds good study habits for when they need to do 2 hours study/night. I do, however, think they should be allowed to change when they get home - staying in uniforms until dinner is ridiculous.

It just sounds so grey through the week.

I am also kind of shocked that kids of that age have to ask to loosen their tie and undo their top button. That just seems really odd.

And I know I'm going to be jumped on again don't see how you can be complaining about drying clothes and not allowing what to me seems like adequate clean clothes due to the cost and the lack of heating or a way to dry them and the cost in petrol or bus fares or whatever to go to the LIBRARY and funding two expensive hobbies. That just seems screwed up thinking to me.

I have no heating in my house. I can't get clothes dry. My kids can't wear clean clothes every day because I can't afford to launder them and they can't go to the library because the bus fare is too expensive but they go skiing and riding at the weekend.

Please can someone tell me how that is a normal way to live?

Obviously OP has budgeted for her children's two favourite activities while on a limited income. It doesn't make sense for her to cancel those loved activities and spend the money on a tumble dryer or the activities mumsnetters have suggested.

Even on a limited income people still save up for fun. It just sounds as though in the week OP needs a routine to get her house working well. She took on board comments that the routine was a bit too rigid.

She doesn't sound robotic or foreign to me, just a bit low and quite tired.

Op said she had no radiators. Maybe she has a fire. She didn't say she had no heating.

If she had a fire the clothes could be set in front of it on a rack and even jeans dry overnight. Been there. Had a house with no central heating.

I think you are getting a really hard time on here. I do understand why people are finding your responses odd though as you are responded in a really short manner and it's not really clear who you're responding to but there's no need for people to be so unkind.

I cannot see what's wrong with eating at 530, I always did and my DCs do if they are not doing an activity. Thry are never starving by bed time but if they are they have a biscuit or fruit. DH and I eat late now though as we prefer that.

With regards to getting changed I do think even tell my 10 and 8 year old what to wear, I usually encourage them to change into something comfy. They play sport most nights so I have about 12 various kits to wash in addition to uniform so a couple of pairs of loungers makes no difference. I tend to do all washing at the weekend so it feels like less in a way.

Homework- I do try to encourage them to do it before anything else. If they don't want to then I say well you need to do it before such and such time then but up to you which way round etc. I refuse to write notes to school to excuse them if they have failed to do it. They have homework every night. When they were little I used to make them do it but they have to learn at some point.

Leaving clothes overnight in front of an open fire is asking for trouble.

The best way to dry clothes without a tumble drier or radiators is put them in a closed room with a dehumidifier* set to laundry mode.

*assuming one can afford to buy a dehumidifier. They're not cheap. Nothing worth having is tho.

*don't even tell my 10 and 8 year olds what to wear

I don't have a dryer, can't afford to have the central heating on unless I absolutely need it, and until we got our new washing machine recently was handwashing clothes ( and drying them on a rack and over doors etc). I would do a load every week and all the clothes would be dry within 24 hours. Yes it's hard work if you don't have a washing machine but you do it because you want your kids to wear clean clothes. I used to actually beg my dn to change out of her uniform asap because casual clothes are often quicker and easier to wash, and that way uniform would stay cleaner for longer.

The original poster may have gone off - having heard all she needs. Or possibly more.

However, the question in my mind was whether or not the OP is neurotypical.

It seems to me now that my own mother was not. She didn't just like routines, she found it very difficult to imagine that routines could be varied or changed. And some of the routines were just very odd - totally about her needs, not to do about what other families might do or what my brothers and I needed. (It was as if other families didn't exist.) Much of her 'caring' came over as a determination that we should do well at school and have clean clothes. However her caring, didn't extend to listening to us or adapting her own behaviour.

Of course it may be that I'm projecting. But what I am picking up here is an apparent lack of relationship, and interested engagement with the children as developing people.

We know that the daughter thinks her mother is too strict, and that the two children like ski-ing and riding. But that's all

This is partly to do with the flatness of the writing - which could come from English being a first language. But to me it sounds more as if parenthood isn't a natural language - if that makes sense.

Totally agree, Albert but didn't know how to say it without coming across as offensive - your post says it so much better than I would have done.