To have a strict routine for Dcs

[GonicaMeller]

DS is year 9, DD year 7.

They come in at 4. They have to do their homework then. We eat at half five. Then they are allowed to watch TV, go on phones etc.

They have to wear their uniforms I can't cope with extra washing, obviously I let them loosen their top button take ties off etc.

DD thinks I am too strict, am I? They go to bed at 9.

[SauvignonPlonker]

Totally agree, Albert but didn't know how to say it without coming across as offensive - your post says it so much better than I would have done.

[albertatrilogy]

The original poster may have gone off - having heard all she needs. Or possibly more.

However, the question in my mind was whether or not the OP is neurotypical.

It seems to me now that my own mother was not. She didn't just like routines, she found it very difficult to imagine that routines could be varied or changed. And some of the routines were just very odd - totally about her needs, not to do about what other families might do or what my brothers and I needed. (It was as if other families didn't exist.) Much of her 'caring' came over as a determination that we should do well at school and have clean clothes. However her caring, didn't extend to listening to us or adapting her own behaviour.

Of course it may be that I'm projecting. But what I am picking up here is an apparent lack of relationship, and interested engagement with the children as developing people.

We know that the daughter thinks her mother is too strict, and that the two children like ski-ing and riding. But that's all

This is partly to do with the flatness of the writing - which could come from English being a first language. But to me it sounds more as if parenthood isn't a natural language - if that makes sense.

[FleurThomas]

I don't have a dryer, can't afford to have the central heating on unless I absolutely need it, and until we got our new washing machine recently was handwashing clothes ( and drying them on a rack and over doors etc). I would do a load every week and all the clothes would be dry within 24 hours. Yes it's hard work if you don't have a washing machine but you do it because you want your kids to wear clean clothes. I used to actually beg my dn to change out of her uniform asap because casual clothes are often quicker and easier to wash, and that way uniform would stay cleaner for longer.

[ZanyMobster]

*don't even tell my 10 and 8 year olds what to wear

[SaucyJack]

The best way to dry clothes without a tumble drier or radiators is put them in a closed room with a dehumidifier* set to laundry mode.

*assuming one can afford to buy a dehumidifier. They're not cheap. Nothing worth having is tho.

[yesterdaysunshine]

Leaving clothes overnight in front of an open fire is asking for trouble.

[ZanyMobster]

I think you are getting a really hard time on here. I do understand why people are finding your responses odd though as you are responded in a really short manner and it's not really clear who you're responding to but there's no need for people to be so unkind.

I cannot see what's wrong with eating at 530, I always did and my DCs do if they are not doing an activity. Thry are never starving by bed time but if they are they have a biscuit or fruit. DH and I eat late now though as we prefer that.

With regards to getting changed I do think even tell my 10 and 8 year old what to wear, I usually encourage them to change into something comfy. They play sport most nights so I have about 12 various kits to wash in addition to uniform so a couple of pairs of loungers makes no difference. I tend to do all washing at the weekend so it feels like less in a way.

Homework- I do try to encourage them to do it before anything else. If they don't want to then I say well you need to do it before such and such time then but up to you which way round etc. I refuse to write notes to school to excuse them if they have failed to do it. They have homework every night. When they were little I used to make them do it but they have to learn at some point.

[Ausernotanumber]

If she had a fire the clothes could be set in front of it on a rack and even jeans dry overnight. Been there. Had a house with no central heating.

[Crispbutty]

Op said she had no radiators. Maybe she has a fire. She didn't say she had no heating.

[RhiWrites]

Obviously OP has budgeted for her children's two favourite activities while on a limited income. It doesn't make sense for her to cancel those loved activities and spend the money on a tumble dryer or the activities mumsnetters have suggested.

Even on a limited income people still save up for fun. It just sounds as though in the week OP needs a routine to get her house working well. She took on board comments that the routine was a bit too rigid.

She doesn't sound robotic or foreign to me, just a bit low and quite tired.

[Ausernotanumber]

It just sounds so grey through the week.

I am also kind of shocked that kids of that age have to ask to loosen their tie and undo their top button. That just seems really odd.

And I know I'm going to be jumped on again don't see how you can be complaining about drying clothes and not allowing what to me seems like adequate clean clothes due to the cost and the lack of heating or a way to dry them and the cost in petrol or bus fares or whatever to go to the LIBRARY and funding two expensive hobbies. That just seems screwed up thinking to me.

I have no heating in my house. I can't get clothes dry. My kids can't wear clean clothes every day because I can't afford to launder them and they can't go to the library because the bus fare is too expensive but they go skiing and riding at the weekend.

Please can someone tell me how that is a normal way to live?

[FleurThomas]

Nothing wrong with doing homework straight away. It encourages them to get it out of the way early & builds good study habits for when they need to do 2 hours study/night. I do, however, think they should be allowed to change when they get home - staying in uniforms until dinner is ridiculous.

[mouldycheesefan]

Could they be allowed to bring a friend home after school sometimes?
I think you sound like a fantastic mum. Just let them have some fun time at home sometimes, play a game together or have a friend round or pop out for half an hour. I know it gets dark at 6 but you have three hours till then!
💐

[FluffyFluffster]

Aside from the uniform thing, it's more lenient than my own upbringing which I don't think was strict, just busy.

At that age, I was training in the morning and after school, then had to do piano practice. Was usually in bed by 8:30 and fit homework in whenever I could.

Needless to say I wasn't in my uniform as after training then showering I either went straight to pjs depending on the time or trackpants and a t shirt. Uniforms don't really lend themselves to relaxing so I think their downtime after tea is really their own.

[mothattack]

I feel for the OP too. I'm very tired and want to post and interact but can only manage short posts/ sentences or I just end up garbling. Or conversely, one long post like this, and that might well be it.

Also it can be hard to keep up with a thread if you don't make short posts. I'm not a long-time user of forums so perhaps this is my lack of practice or familiarity. Might be the same for the OP.

The only thing I can see that I consider too strict is the not changing out of uniform. I think the deal should be that they pick up their clothes and co-operate with the washing schedule given the limited drying facilities. If they leave the clothes and the cat pees on them then they clean it up and lose out on their hobby that week. Or explain to them that a drier or other solution could be bought if they skip so many weeks of their hobbies! I think they are old enough to undstand this and with DD asking it is a good opportunity to make changes and increase their responsibility.

And DD could do her homework by X o'clock but she has to earn that trust/ responsibility. DS should see that is fair and he could earn that too.

I can totally see why the OP would save on certain things so her kids can have interesting hobbies on the weekend. Kids need to learn that resources (energy, time, money etc) are finite and there is a trade off between everything.

Eating 'early' is not weird or a crime!! It is just personal choice or practicality.

Routine and practicality don't have to mean a joyless existence. Anything boiled down to the bare details might sound that way.

The DCs have pretty much 3 hours a night after dinner to do as they please Then presumably some more time in bed before sleep to think, read, draw, play or whatever. Not exactly Oliver Twists or Orphan Annies

[manhowdy]

Though OP - I will say that it's hard to gather from your posts what home is really like for your kids. I am sure it's not quite a restricted as the short posts lead us to believe? My view would be later bedtimes. If you go to sleep at 10 the why not let them stay up until then? And get them out of their uniforms and encourage them to go out with their mates after school or find some other activities/clubs.

[manhowdy]

I think they are hearing the OP, wind, but it's not just about her life. Allowing kids to be kids and enjoy their childhood is really important. I always felt so sorry for the kids at school with regimented and restricted home lives. Never seemed fair to me then and doesn't now.

When my DD reaches 11 I will generally expect her home from school, changed, snack and out with her mates for a few hours before tea.

[WindPowerRanger]

People really aren't hearing the OP.
She has very real money and time constraints.
She sleeps in the living room, and must be in bed by 10 because of her early start.

Before you call her regimented and joyless, consider how flexible and joy filled you would be operating within the same limits. She did accept the general message that she was being too prescriptive with good grace. The rudeness is unfair.

[bialystockandbloom]

Wow what a lot of really horrible replies here! Who gives a duck what someone's posting style is like fgs? Or why they haven't got a tumble drier?

Anyway, OP if this is what works for you, what's the problem? If DD feels too much routine, you could discuss with her how to relax it all while still getting homework done etc. I honestly don't see a problem, and think posting in aibu has just given some people a chance to jump in to snipe.

[Witchend]

Lol. My df thought we should change out of our uniforms to keep them neat. Never could be bothered until we heard his bike squeak up the road. We then had three minutes to get changed before he came in.
Until that wretched blackbird learnt to imitate the squeak!

[Enkopkaffetak]

Yes I think you are too strict.

I have 1 in year 8
1 in year 10
and 2 in 6th form So I think I can talk the talk here

I do not tell my children when to do their homework. However they know it has to be done and before they get over tired over it.

I do not tell my children they have to change out of uniform or stay in uniform - They do have to do their own laundry though. (I am with you I cant deal with the extra laundry - but I dont think it is my job to either)

I do not tell my children when to go to bed. They have different needs for sleep. However if they sit yawning etc then they will be told to go to bed earlier that day. They all in y7 misused this until they got used to it and yes it is a crappy few weeks until they sort it out. However y8 dd3 is not a high need of sleep person. If I was to make her go to bed at 9 she would not be sleeping just lie there.. She tends to go about 10 is always up and out in time for school the next day. Not a grumpy teenager Y10 DS however is very active in sports and he needs more sleep he often takes himself off at 9 to sleep. Today he has gone upstairs already.
6th form dd1 and 2 have days they go at 9-10 days they stay up to midnight. They are capable of sorting their own sleeping patterns as I have trusted them to do so.

Unlike many I do not limit phone and internet usage. I have never felt the need to my children are responsible with this I know I have been lucky there.

As I am writing this dd3 who is in y8 has just run past me on one of her regular rushes through the house evening things she does. makes me laugh. She is in her school uniform. DD2 is upstairs in her own clothing the same she went to school in, DS year 10 is in his pjs. DD1 is at work for another 10 minutes.

[Madinche1sea]

OP - I hope you're ok?

Did you say your DC's school finishes at 3pm? Well that's really early, if so. Relax -you have loads of time!

I have 2 boys, one in Year 7 and one in year 9. Their school doesn't finish until 4 and they travel by bus to get in for 5 (often via Starbucks or Bubbleolgy) They do after school activities 3 nights a week. We're in central London so traffic is what it is. I also have 2 younger girls, 8 and 6. It's full on.

Just let them get changed and have a snack when they get in. The homework will be all the better for it. My DS' are in a very academic school, but often do very minimal homework during the week and catch up on the weekends. 4 hours per night is unheard of and would be totally counterproductive anyway. I would rather they do a good job of homework when they're I the mood, than a a poor job because it has to be done at a certain time. Increasingly, DS1 gets a lot done during the day at school because their lunch hour is 1h 20 mins to allow them to do clubs in this time.

Why does your cat pee on the clothes if they are left on the floor? This is very unusual behaviour. Is the cat very stressed? We have 3 high-maintenance cats, but that has never happened.

My kids are in very full on schools and I know they work hard in the day, so home is for relaxing as far as possible. Let them wear comfy clothes, get some nice snacks in, and learn how to balance their own time. We all work better in these conditions.

[BabyGanoush]

OP, I have a 13 yr old and an 11 yr old and we have a routine as well.

We start with snacks/food, then 2 hours chilling out. then dinner at around 6:00

Then today up together and homework at 6:30

My 11 yr old gets to bed at 9, my 13 yr old at 10 (wifi off, no devices in bedroom)

We play around with it a bit on nights they have sports (so HW before dinner if it's judo at 7)

I think routines are great.

Like you, I sometimes feel a bit disconcerted by the lack of homework for my kids, and I have made a rule that on days there is no HW, or just 5 mins homework, that they spend 30-45 minutes reading a book

I used to try online tutoring programs, for DS who struggles with English.

So I get where you are coming from.

Mine also wear their uniform (minus tie) but that is because they are too lazy to change! Often they have an early shower/bath though and then wear PJs or onesie.

yanbu. Think you have been given a bit of a hard time here!

[Lapinlapin]

I think you're getting a really hard time here op.

I don't see anything wrong with a 9pm bedtime. Far better than the students I used to teach who couldn't concentrate because they'd been playing computer games until the early hours

My bedtime as a child was 9pm for years. I'd then lie in bed and read, so lights out was 9.30/10, depending on age.

We also ate at 5.30 or 6 too. As an adult I moved it much later and ate between 7 and 8. However now I have young children and only want to cook once a night, dinner is back to 5.30/6pm. I really see nothing wrong with this.

The only thing I see as really strict is not allowing them to change. Maybe if they had some comfy clothes they could change into after school that would be nice.

Personally I always wanted to chill after school, and then do homework. But actually it is much better to get it out the way, so I think you're instilling good habits in them by getting them to do homework first.

And whichever pp said that homework at this age is max 1 hour, I disagree. Maybe y7, but y9's often have at least an hour and a half. And this will increase for GCSE and A level.

[OutDamnedWind]

I don't think any of the things OP has posted about are problematic in isolation. Some teens need an early bed time - they may be up and out early, or just need it and relish the sleep. Tea at 5.30 is fine. Homework straightaway on the strict side, but fine.

Even not changing out of uniform is fine if it's the DC's choice, although OP implies not.

It's all of these things together, the DD saying it's too strict and the impression OP is giving of things being very regimented and unchangeable.