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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want MIL staying the night!

143 replies

OMFGTwoToddlers · 15/10/2016 21:02

So it's DS's 3rd birthday and we have a day trip planned as a present, both sides of grandparents coming along too. MIL coincidentally gave us a brand new single quilt that she no longer needs last week and has just messaged DP asking if she can stay over on the couch the night before DS's birthday to turn a 3.5 hour road trip into a 1.5 hour road trip. Not premeditated at all
AIBU not to want MIL staying over the night before his birthday as I just want us to celebrate his birthday on our own for an hour before we meet up with everyone else at the event?
This woman let me live in her house free of charge for 6 months whilst I was pregnant, so I feel bad refusing. But tbh I couldn't think of anything worse than have her try & take over my home the way she does everything else! And if I allow it once she will expect it again. And again. Which I don't want...ever!

OP posts:

Liiinoo · 15/10/2016 23:19

As PPs have said you are being unreasonable.

I think you are in the middle of the transition to being the child of adult parents to becoming a parent and adult yourself. That includes hosting your ILs and parents while establishing your own house rules that will probably differ from theirs. She might well be judgy but that is her own issue for her to deal with. It's tough but it's an important part of forming your own family dynamic.

Your mantra should be "our house, our rules''.

CoolCarrie · 15/10/2016 23:20

YABU, it is only this once and she did help you a great deal! It could be worse, my mil once asked me if she could sleep on our sofa Sunday to Wednesday every week so SHE wouldn't be inconvenienced by having to drive 6 km to work every day! We lived in a tiny one bedroom flat at the time... 😠

DistanceCall · 15/10/2016 23:36

OP, what your MIL asked for is not unreasonable. And she did do you a big favour by allowing you to live in her home rent-free.

If she oversteps the mark, then your husband needs to talk to her. And you should ignore her attempts at undermining you.

They are different matters.

TallulahTheTiger · 15/10/2016 23:41

Am on my first 🍷 in over a year so may ramble!! bloody buggering hell! So you can LIVE with her for 6 months but no to an overnight, if this is not a reverse you a horror of the nth degree!!!

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 15/10/2016 23:56

It's hard having someone in your house you don't get on with or that grates on you!

op it would piss me off with the quilt thing too. I don't think you have much choice though with out looking like the bad guy especially since you lived at her home. If it's one night just grit your teeth and do presents in your room.

Honestly if mil had to stay here I'd take to my bed! There was a time it was a real possibility and I actually considered leaving Dh as she would seriously effect my mental health.

Optimist3 · 16/10/2016 05:38

Book her into a airb&b room for one night. Should be cheap and
She can have a proper bed.

Otherwise let her sleep on the couch. It's only an hour your foregoing. Have that hour in your bedroom with the kids.

MrEBear · 16/10/2016 05:41

Lots of posters are making a big deal out of staying 6 mths with ILs. Sometimes these things happen either because you think it is only going to be a couple of months, so not worthwhile taking out a lease, then delays happen for whatever reason. If the Op, DH & Mil knew in the beginning that it was going to be 6 mths they might have decided a short term rent would be better for all concerned.
However should the Op be forever guilt tripped into having MIL staying when ever she likes? How many other posters always have GPs with them the night before their kids birthday or on Christmas Eve (guarantee that would be the next request) ?

Wallywobbles · 16/10/2016 06:05

We always had GM on Christmas Eve. Kept us out of the way and she was awesome. Miss her all the time.

FlabulousChic · 16/10/2016 06:22

You sound real mean

Peanutandphoenix · 16/10/2016 06:36

YABVVU it saves her a really long trip and she helped you out by letting you stay in her home for 6 months rent free unless there's a really good back story stop being a bitch a let her stay.

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/10/2016 06:36

Yabu and also why do you need to have a little cry?! It's just a birthday and they are family occasions.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 16/10/2016 06:38

I haven't read the whole thread but I wanted to ask: What would your DS enjoy?

I had friction with DPs and PIL in the distant past but quickly let it go when DD was tiny. We have an open-door policy now. We live a long way away so visits are planned and extended. We frequently have GPs from one side or the other here for birthdays, Christmas etc. We go on holidays with each set to facilitate quality time. Yes, I'd rather go away as a 3 and no, we don't use them as babysitters. DD loves her GPs. She is lucky to have 4 GPs who 1) are still alive and 2) adore her and want to be in her life. You can't hog your children. It might make the day more special for you but you really aren't the most important person in your scenario.

GoofyTheHero · 16/10/2016 06:48

How many other posters always have GPs with them the night before their kids birthday or on Christmas Eve (guarantee that would be the next request) ?

We do. IL's are retired and live in Spain, our DC are their only grandchildren so they come over for birthdays/Christmas and stay with us. My mum also stays Christmas Eve.

GoofyTheHero · 16/10/2016 06:50

Oh and we lived with our IL's for free for 4 months once before moving abroad... I'll always be very grateful for that, despite my personal feelings about them!

tralaaa · 16/10/2016 07:03

Let her stay and don't over think things. Be in control don't have a day which at the end of you will cry over. Nip thing in the bud now, at her house when you stayed it was sort off her rules, at you house it's your rules be a good host. when you feel is trying to overrule you just gently explain this how you parent your child. Tell her you do things different and you like what you do as its suits your family.

WinchesterWoman · 16/10/2016 07:05

I'm sorry I can't be bothered to read the thread but I'm sure people are telling you you're being unreasonable. Which is true because you stayed at her house.

My solution is to agree, but to get your son in your bed with you overnight. Then you can have some special time with him in the morning. More to the point, your MIL won't be the first one to go to his room. If she's generally one of those people who is very interfering in an inconsiderate and selfish way, you can have the additional bonus of having a little triumph without looking mean, in fact, while looking like a lovely hostess. She can't complain without revealing a master plan to see him first in the morning.

twocockersarebetterthanone · 16/10/2016 07:12

Err what's a reverse

HicDraconis · 16/10/2016 07:13

YABVU.

My mil and I don't have the best relationship - a while ago she sent me an email detailing how much she dislikes me and listing all my shortcomings (personality, parenting faults, behaviour) - but my sons adore her and so I welcomed her into our home for two weeks in the school holidays. It meant we couldn't go away on holiday as planned, it meant the only annual leave I had during the school holidays was spent walking on eggshells and second guessing everything I said and did to make sure it was friendly, it meant I was exhausted at the end of my time off.

But my sons adored spending time with her and sometimes when I emotionally allowed her to be, she was more of a fun guest than I expected. For one night to cut a horrendous journey into a manageable one, YABU. Let her stay.

snapcrap · 16/10/2016 07:17

Reverse is when the Op poses from one side but is actually the other person so in the case it would be the MIL posing as the DIL. It gets people's backs up because they always tend to be over egged in order to get the response they want.

user1476140278 · 16/10/2016 07:26

Woman up.

I mean that kindly. When you have kids, you need to learn to stand up to so-called "Matriarchs" who've ruled the roost as Mothers for years and let it go to their heads.

Of course not ALL older Mothers are like that...just some. But having DC makes you see that you're not a child any more and have the right to say no and to reject the pushy advice when it's not wanted.

notquitegrownup2 · 16/10/2016 07:30

OP, if you are still reading, well done to admitting that you might have got this wrong. If folks seem harsh, that is because you posted in AIBU.

Try posting again in Relationships, saying that your MIL is coming to stay for a night, which you are dreading as you don't get on. You find her judgy and her comments undermining. However, as you lived with her for 6 months,, and she is your partner's mother then you know that you have to get on.

You might get some good advice there - like, yes, do invite her, but ask your partner to explain that you will all have a nice time if she is able to leave you guys to do the parenting this time. You value her, you love her, you love the duvet she gave you, but you find it difficult if she corrects your parenting especially in front of the children. Something like that?

Best of luck with the birthday. It is stressful when you have an image in your head of how you would like a special day to be, then someone or something comes along and changes that plan. However, you can still enjoy it - and remember, it is the first of lots of happy birthdays. I spent my ds1's first birthday throwing up. My husband was away at a conference and my mum and dad who had come to stay was immunosuppressed at the time, having had chemo, so she had to leave us at 6.30 am. We have some nice pictures of a baby with a birthday cake, taken at 8pm, when dh got home (woke ds up to take them!!)

notquitegrownup2 · 16/10/2016 07:31

Oops - just noticed that it is his third birthday. Still, you have a lot on your plate with a toddler too.

Hope that the weather is kind for you on the outing, and do post again in relationships for advice on how to manage MIL as well as two littluns.

ohdearme1958 · 16/10/2016 07:34

Im lost for words.

KitKats28 · 16/10/2016 07:46

Why are people so obsessed with having their child to themselves all the time. You should be happy that so many people love your child and want to spend time with them.

Obviously undermining discipline is a problem, but just tell her not to do it. It's really not that difficult.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 16/10/2016 07:51

I agree with offering her your son's bed or a mattress in there, put DS in with you. You look like a lovely host and you get time with DS in the morning in your room.

It doesn't have to be an annual thing either. Next year plan a weekend thing with GPs and celebrate your DS's birthday on the proper day. Get in there early organising everything so the plans are already in motion.

My MIL can be a bit over excited and things like presents go way over the top. She doesn't mean to but when we're at their house, she's up early and has woken DD to start opening their presents and stocking. I can't say anything to her as it sounds mean but it grates. Luckily DH also spotted it and just knowing he got it was hugely helpful. You can't say anything without sounding unreasonable but you can engineer situations to turn things around a bit.

And get your DH on board to stop the comments or you need to call her on it. There's no need to cry, it's one birthday and you did ask the GPs to join you for the day. Next year, plan differently.

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