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AIBU?

I don't want MIL staying the night!

143 replies

OMFGTwoToddlers · 15/10/2016 21:02

So it's DS's 3rd birthday and we have a day trip planned as a present, both sides of grandparents coming along too. MIL coincidentally gave us a brand new single quilt that she no longer needs last week and has just messaged DP asking if she can stay over on the couch the night before DS's birthday to turn a 3.5 hour road trip into a 1.5 hour road trip. Not premeditated at all
AIBU not to want MIL staying over the night before his birthday as I just want us to celebrate his birthday on our own for an hour before we meet up with everyone else at the event?
This woman let me live in her house free of charge for 6 months whilst I was pregnant, so I feel bad refusing. But tbh I couldn't think of anything worse than have her try & take over my home the way she does everything else! And if I allow it once she will expect it again. And again. Which I don't want...ever!

OP posts:

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finova · 15/10/2016 21:28

Izzy Well with the new information you can change your response/or not. It's not difficult. It's part of working a problem or situation out.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 15/10/2016 21:30

Unless there is more to this story YABVU.

IzzyIsBusy · 15/10/2016 21:31

No change to my response. OP coped when it suited her.
Also there is a saying forewarned is forearmed. Better to have all the information available so you can make an informed decision.

You a sock puppet fin ?

normage · 15/10/2016 21:32

I now have a very strained relationship with my MIL. However, she is my DHs Mum(to be fair, he also has a strained relationship with her) and my DCs Grandma and so a few times a year she will come and stay, usually for events the children are involved in and I make her feel welcome. I don't enjoy it, but I do if for her and the kids, because she has been a supportive Grandma and I also don't want them to pick up any friction between us.

user1471458474 · 15/10/2016 21:34

Well I'm afraid I have to agree with pps and say that you are being very unkind. It's only for one night and the birthday celebration is not about you, it's about your ds. So, just put on a smile and try to enjoy the occasion!

honeyroar · 15/10/2016 21:35

Poor woman, she's helped you out massively and you won't give her back one night on the couch to shorten a long journey!

Just keep her busy. Get her roped into helping make a special breakfast. If she starts to criticise, pull her up, tell her nobody is to criticise on X's special day..bla bla. Come on! It's one day. Be nice!

Nurszilla · 15/10/2016 21:36

Could you do presents at home in the evening afterwards or the night before?

Gruffalosgrandma · 15/10/2016 21:39

You'll be a MIL one day.

EweAreHere · 15/10/2016 21:40

OP, you have a husband problem if he hasn't sat his mother down to tell her to stop interfering with the children, correcting your parenting, etc. Tell him to talk to her and set out some groundrule.

MaQueen · 15/10/2016 21:40

I am not keen on my MIL. Never have been. I can see she has some sterling qualities, but much of her personality is just anathema to me. Like nails screeching on a black board...

However, very few people know this. Certainly not my DH, or my MIL. The reason being I love DH very much, and wouldn't want to hurt him by ever expressing how I really feel about his Mum.

DH loves her, our DDs adore her...and I love them enough to be a big girl about it, and smile and be welcoming to her. It's just for a few hours, after all.

finova · 15/10/2016 21:40

izzy nope just thought your post was uneccesary!
I think 'drip feeding' is how a thread evolves, otherwise threads would be very short, or perhaps could be called ballots!
Anyway I've said my piece so I'm leaving it there.

BowieFan · 15/10/2016 21:41

Yes, I think YABU. Although if you were my DIL I wouldn't want to stay with you, frankly.

She has helped you out and she is asking to stop on your couch (not even in a bedroom!) for one night to save her a massive round trip. I can't believe you're even thinking of saying no to you. How disgusting.

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2016 21:42

So when she argues or contradicts you, just calmly carry on doing whatever it is you're doing.

And at a separate time, get your DH to man up and have a word with his mother.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 15/10/2016 21:44

Fuck the Premier Inn.

I think you should use some of the £££ you saved during your rent free sojourn at Maw-in-Law's to pay for her stay at the Hilton, no expenses spared.

AndNowItsSeven · 15/10/2016 21:44

Yanbu sleeping on your coach is not appropriate, put your dd in your bed or a blow up and give your mil his bed.

BowieFan · 15/10/2016 21:45

Also, as for the "she tells me not to tell the kids off" rubbish. Well all grandparents do this. That's the point of grandparents - they get to be fun and let you get away with shit, they don't have to deal with consequences most times. You can quite easily stop this by talking to her.

All three sets of grandparents (we adopted our kids) are like this at times. It's fine. It doesn't undermine my authority at all, it just means the kids get to go and sulk with granddad for a bit whilst he says "Oh your mum doesn't mean to shout!" and things like that. Grandparents do it all the bloody time, there's nothing really wrong with it.

Just like when they go to their grandparents in Bulgaria they eat foods that I'd never let them eat at home (full of sugar or other ingredients). It's fine, because I know I look after them the other 48 weeks of the year and I have more influence on them day to day.

StormStrike · 15/10/2016 21:46

YABVU. You stayed with her for six months so why not put her up for one night.

IzzyIsBusy · 15/10/2016 21:46

Unless your coach agrees sleeping on them is always wrong.
However so is sleeping on your couch

0urKid · 15/10/2016 21:46

Be the bigger person. Don't follow advice saying to send her out or exclude her from breakfast and/or present opening. She is your dp's mum. How would you feel if your dp was tempted to treat your mum this way (if she is still alive and you get on with her of course). I don't like my mil. She is rude and mentions my weight all the time. She is blunt. However I love her son and grandchildren. She would let us live with her if it came down to it and she is a brilliant grandma. She just doesn't like me. :o What I'm saying is try to put up with her for your family.

dontpokethebear · 15/10/2016 21:47

The whole telling you not to tell kids off thing etc. is just what parents/ils do.
My mum was super strict with me 'finish your plate, no biscuits before tea' etc. With my dc they can do no wrong and would be exclusively fed biscuits if my dm/mil had their way!

dontpokethebear · 15/10/2016 21:55

Not that that means it's not annoying

AnnieOnnieMouse · 15/10/2016 21:57

Glad I'm not your MIL.
Wow

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Heebiejeebies77 · 15/10/2016 21:57

Hmmm, I think that there is more going on with this - you have lots of people being pretty rude to you, but it seems to me that 1) your mil is pretty manipulative and 2) has done stuff like this before, which is why, to me, you are understandably wary.
Staying with family, either your own direct family or in laws, is pretty much a given these days as it is so expensive to get your own place in lots of parts of the country. She did you a favour, no doubt. But you don't give to receive or that's no gift or help at all - that's obligation. If it's an obligation, how many times are you expected to give in to her wishes until your six month debt of gratitude to her is paid off?
I suspect that if you and her had a healthier relationship this situation would not even be an issue. If this is just another thing in a long line of expectations and overstepping, then a line needs to be drawn. I feel for you - I had a manipulative grandmother and have a pretty manipulative mil, and they have a way of twisting things around to make your own needs seem unreasonable, while theirs get satisfied. YANBU to want to have some special time with your child on their birthday.

NotYoda · 15/10/2016 21:59

VeryBitchy

i love Premier inn. A good night's sleep, guaranteed. It's good that it's cheap too...

GabsAlot · 15/10/2016 22:02

i remember my grandad telling my df off once for the way he told us off-my grandad was very protective of me and my dsis

my dad lost the plot and told him he woldnt see us anymore if he interfered one more time

my poor grandad was so shocked he aplogised and never said anything again

just tell her on the side not to interfere in your discipline of the dc's

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