I don't want MIL staying the night!

[OMFGTwoToddlers]

So it's DS's 3rd birthday and we have a day trip planned as a present, both sides of grandparents coming along too. MIL coincidentally gave us a brand new single quilt that she no longer needs last week and has just messaged DP asking if she can stay over on the couch the night before DS's birthday to turn a 3.5 hour road trip into a 1.5 hour road trip. Not premeditated at all
AIBU not to want MIL staying over the night before his birthday as I just want us to celebrate his birthday on our own for an hour before we meet up with everyone else at the event?
This woman let me live in her house free of charge for 6 months whilst I was pregnant, so I feel bad refusing. But tbh I couldn't think of anything worse than have her try & take over my home the way she does everything else! And if I allow it once she will expect it again. And again. Which I don't want...ever!

[metaphoricus]

p.s. She also thinks the sun shines out of her son's arse. I could tell her a tale or two But I wouldn't.

[metaphoricus]

Exactly. My mil can be interfering and annoying - in my opinion. I sometimes grumble to DH, but generally I just let it wash over me and carry on carrying on. Life's too short to be irritated by minutiae. Sweat the big stuff. She can and does sleep at my house anytime she likes. Sending her to a hotel would be unthinkable.

[iago]

I cannot believe you did not invite 'this woman' to stay for your son's birthday after she put you up rent free for six months. No one would relish a 3.5 hr journey if there was an option of 1.5
hr. Don't understand your use of the term 'road trip' - I assume you mean journey and do not mean that your MiL is having loads of adventures at various spots on the way. YabVVVVu.

[BertrandRussell]

"However, if she is interfering and annoying, why haven't you and DH dealt with this? Is it, as is so often the case, a DH rather than a MIL problem?"

Maybe because he doesn't find his mum "interfering and annoying"? Just a thought.............

[metaphoricus]

Why are people so obsessed with having their child to themselves all the time. You should be happy that so many people love your child and want to spend time with them
Agree. Reading the OP I was puzzled as to why GM being there would spoil 'family time'. It wouldn't have bothered me one tiny bit if mil had been the first to see dc on their birthday.I can sometimes find her a bit irritating, and she occasionally puts her nose in where it's not welcome, but she's their granny and she loves them. And she 'is' family. Oh well. there's nowt so queer as folk.

[sophiestew]

Agree with PP.

YABVU about her not being able to stay on the sofa for the night to avoid a far longer trip.

However, if she is interfering and annoying, why haven't you and DH dealt with this? Is it, as is so often the case, a DH rather than a MIL problem?

[BertrandRussell]

It's this "Our little family" thing. So bloody destructive...........

[Ringadingdingdong22]

Yabu.

I hope any future DIL's I may have aren't as horrible as you. It's one bloody night. It saves her a long journey. Imo you're being bloody rude and nasty.

[BowieFan]

"This woman"

Personally if I were your DP and heard you refer to my mother and our child's grandmother like that, you'd be out on your arse. Have some respect! This is not some random person, it's your partner's mother - she gave birth to him. It is your child's grandmother!

Why is it that so many treat their MIL like some sort of interloper? I love mine and welcome seeing her. DP loves my mum and dad too. You do realise that when you enter a relationship with someone, you're getting their family as well, don't you?

[Gottagetmoving]

I think it's quite disturbing how many women speak about their mil as if they were an intruder in the family.
I think it may be an insecurity/jealousy thing. A mil is your child's grandparent not a stranger.

[pinklemonade84]

op, yabu to not want to allow her to spend the night on your sofa after everything she did for you by allowing you to live in her home for 6 months. I have major issues with my mil and would still let her sleep on our sofa for a night if it would cut down on total travelling time in one day.

However, yanbu to not want her there because you want special time as a family unit on ds' birthday morning. And yadnbu to not want her there because she undermines you.

I liked the suggestion of maybe asking her to stay the night of ds' birthday instead of the night before, so that you still get that special time as a family in the morning.

[HighDataUsage]

Just remember that one day in the future you may become that 'woman /mil'. You may find yourself in a very similar situation and you might then realise how selfish and unreasonable you are being. But then you might be a such a naturally selfish person
that you won't care anyway.

[P1nkP0ppy]

this woman!
She's your ds's grandmother and she put up with you in her house for 6 months so it was fine when it suited you op!
YABVU.

[FreshHorizons]

I lost all sympathy when you referred to her in OP as this woman!
Why be so precious- from child's point of view what could be nicer than having Granny there too?

[MidnightHag]

You lost my support at this woman, tbh.

[MrEBear]

"Why are people obsessed with having their kids to themselves?"

Maybe if you think about it op is happy to share a later period in the day with GPs just not first thing in the morning. Why does Granny feel the need to be their first thing on birthday morning, what's wrong with staying on birthday night into the next day instead therefore getting round the travel issue of too much travelling in one day?

If you feel somebody undermines you, why would you want them there at that precise moment in time? It's easier to avoid the situation that it is to confront it.

[ohdearme1958]

Why are people so obsessed with having their child to themselves all the time. You should be happy that so many people love your child and want to spend time with them

I dint get it either, and Im very thankful that my lot all go along the lines of the more the merrier.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

I agree with offering her your son's bed or a mattress in there, put DS in with you. You look like a lovely host and you get time with DS in the morning in your room.

It doesn't have to be an annual thing either. Next year plan a weekend thing with GPs and celebrate your DS's birthday on the proper day. Get in there early organising everything so the plans are already in motion.

My MIL can be a bit over excited and things like presents go way over the top. She doesn't mean to but when we're at their house, she's up early and has woken DD to start opening their presents and stocking. I can't say anything to her as it sounds mean but it grates. Luckily DH also spotted it and just knowing he got it was hugely helpful. You can't say anything without sounding unreasonable but you can engineer situations to turn things around a bit.

And get your DH on board to stop the comments or you need to call her on it. There's no need to cry, it's one birthday and you did ask the GPs to join you for the day. Next year, plan differently.

[KitKats28]

Why are people so obsessed with having their child to themselves all the time. You should be happy that so many people love your child and want to spend time with them.

Obviously undermining discipline is a problem, but just tell her not to do it. It's really not that difficult.

[ohdearme1958]

Im lost for words.

[notquitegrownup2]

Oops - just noticed that it is his third birthday. Still, you have a lot on your plate with a toddler too.

Hope that the weather is kind for you on the outing, and do post again in relationships for advice on how to manage MIL as well as two littluns.

[notquitegrownup2]

OP, if you are still reading, well done to admitting that you might have got this wrong. If folks seem harsh, that is because you posted in AIBU.

Try posting again in Relationships, saying that your MIL is coming to stay for a night, which you are dreading as you don't get on. You find her judgy and her comments undermining. However, as you lived with her for 6 months,, and she is your partner's mother then you know that you have to get on.

You might get some good advice there - like, yes, do invite her, but ask your partner to explain that you will all have a nice time if she is able to leave you guys to do the parenting this time. You value her, you love her, you love the duvet she gave you, but you find it difficult if she corrects your parenting especially in front of the children. Something like that?

Best of luck with the birthday. It is stressful when you have an image in your head of how you would like a special day to be, then someone or something comes along and changes that plan. However, you can still enjoy it - and remember, it is the first of lots of happy birthdays. I spent my ds1's first birthday throwing up. My husband was away at a conference and my mum and dad who had come to stay was immunosuppressed at the time, having had chemo, so she had to leave us at 6.30 am. We have some nice pictures of a baby with a birthday cake, taken at 8pm, when dh got home (woke ds up to take them!!)

[user1476140278]

Woman up.

I mean that kindly. When you have kids, you need to learn to stand up to so-called "Matriarchs" who've ruled the roost as Mothers for years and let it go to their heads.

Of course not ALL older Mothers are like that...just some. But having DC makes you see that you're not a child any more and have the right to say no and to reject the pushy advice when it's not wanted.

[snapcrap]

Reverse is when the Op poses from one side but is actually the other person so in the case it would be the MIL posing as the DIL. It gets people's backs up because they always tend to be over egged in order to get the response they want.