To hate addressing a letter to a women using husband's initials

[justarandomer]

On an address with the name as say;

Mrs M E Smith
When women is called Patricia Smith
But husband is Martin Edward Smith.

Why not Mrs P Smith

There must be a fancy term for this.

My MIL does it. It sends me up the F wall. I am a person in my own right than you very much.

On a birthday card or something personal she will still write it as
Mrs M E Smith.

I think she does it because she sees son as coming from above me, and so I'm lucky to be part of her dynastey.

My mum does this and so does my sister, I bloody hate it. I have my own bloody name. Actually mum and sis write Mr & Mrs M E Smith but would write Mrs P Smith, if just to her.

I write Mr M & Mrs P Smith.

I don't mind it too much if it's a wedding invitation or similar addressed to both of us - i.e. Mr & Mrs A Challenged

Bloody hate Mrs A Challenged on its own.

There's a title in DH's family too and his relatives have a habit of addressing mail for me only to "The Honourable Mrs A Challenged" which really does just feel like my identity has vanished entirely - even though I very happily changed my name and I know it's technically correct.

It gets worse dosnt it. Not only could everyone work out if you were single or married or "ms" if ever used it. they could also tell if you were widowed "honourably" or divorced imagine less so!

It is also etiquette not to show yourself to be more intelligent than a man, so you should be careful when speaking in mixed company.

I assume those who say it's etiquette and we should then accept it, are abiding by ALL etiquette rules? No?

I don't think anyone does this anymore. I bet your MIL is doing it to wind you up.

I must have highly improper friends and family. I've never been addressed as Mrs Husband Be Buggered. I've been married nearly 25 years and it still sounds truly archaic to me. Having said that, I got a letter this morning from British Gas that began with a chatty 'Hello Brecon', which I thought was taking informality a little too far. For all they know I'm a 99-year-old General's widow.

YANBU.

But am surprised that this still happens.

Don't know too much about etiquette, but way back when, women would introduce themselves as Mrs (husband initials) (husbands surname). So it wasn't just letters, women would refer to themselves in this way.

My husband and I have the same initial so thought has never entered my head

It's a taxing problem. I've never changed my surname (probably a good thing all round at the rate I go through husbands) but also for professional reasons. However for my mother's generation, and those who adhere to the practice among my friends, I stick to the rules. It gets very tricky when you are writing to people you don't know - are they Miss, Ms, Mrs? I don't care, but some do. Interestingly some top law firms are abandoning "Dear Sirs" for Dear Sir or Madam". I do get offended by one relative who insists on addressing me by my husband's name (misspelt)

DH and I have the same initials too! Both first and middle name. If I get a letter addressed to mrs DHs first name surname I'm not pleased, but they could get away with the initials and I'd be none the wiser.

The only time I do it is when I write to my widowed aunt. She was always addressed this way (she's late 70s) and it would really upset her if I wrote her husband out (in her eyes).

My mother does this & it pisses me right off. I'm fairly certain she just does it to annoy me. So next time we see her we're planning on dropping it in to the conversion that I haven't changed my surname (I have)

Yanbu op - so don't do it. Refuse to participate in the subjugation of females. Be the change you want to see. The people who hang on to the old fashioned sexist traditions will be dead soon enough.

Don't do it then. It is extremely old fashioned usage.

Have posted on this before but my ILs do it and it boils my piss.
They know I haven't changed my surname but even if I had it'd still be annoying.
I just don't open the mail as its not addressed to me!

They also bollocked us for not addressing our wedding invitations as such

My bloody mother does it to make the point that "normal people" who have manners behave differently from embarrassments like me.

She insisted on addressing envelopes specifically as "Miss parentsvsPIL" for 11 years after i became "Dr parentsvsPIL" (and I had told my parents I was using Dr because it's gender-neutral): prior to that she had just addressed envelopes as "myfirstname parentsvsPIL".

Then I got married, and made it clear that I was remaining Dr myfirstname ParentsvsPIL - so now my mother addresses envelopes to
Dr DHinitials & Mrs DHsurname, even if she's just forwarding on a piece of mail addressed to me - i.e. nothing to do with DH.

Good thing I don't hear from her often...

All those people insisting on the "correct" forms of address are missing one important factor.

Those forms should be used only if you don't know how the intended recipient prefers to be addressed.

So, in the case of many here, they have told their rellies how they prefer to be addressed and the rellies should have paid attention.

It would have been fun if Mark Philips had become Prince Anne, wouldn't it?

Also fascinating that everyone would have said that was ridiculous...........

Also interesting that any thread about a woman not wanting to change her name on marriage is full of people saying "oh, get over yourself, it's tradition" but the first name traditions seem to be a step too far

I think those of us who would like to see an end to women changing their names on marriage should go full on Debrett. And when our friends object just say, all wide eyed, "But I thought you liked the traditional naming system"

Yanbu. When I married my DH this year I didn't take his name. We then received a congratulations card addressed to Mr and Mrs DH. Really wound me up!

"If being called by your husband's name bothers you so much, why did you change your name on marriage? I think YABU, it's a correct form of address. I don't like it myself, but that's why I wouldn't change my name for anyone!"

To be fair, she only changed her surname, not her first name as well.

I also hate men referring to their wives, and also illogically their girlfriends, as 'the missus', but lots of people don't seem to be offended by this.

It's pathetic & outdated.

Also agree with gwen terms like "the missus" & "the hubby" grind my gears irrationally for some reason

Bertrand, I think there's a difference between first names and surname. The latter is a 'family name' - and people may not be any more attached to the one they inherited from their father than one that they might choose to acquire on marriage. Whereas the first name is one chosen specifically for the individual, sometimes with considerable thought.

I prefer not to use titles at all whenever possible. So for instance, I don't use one for myself unless I absolutely have to. I'm Middle England, not Mrs M England. I'm certainly not one half of Prof & Mrs DH England, and would be tempted to return unopened any post that arrived with that on.

On letters, I'd just put Patricia Smith or Patricia & Martin Smith. I do this with solicitors, bank managers, etc, not just friends and family and it's never been a problem.

Not sure why we have titles at all. If people stopped using them, the sky won't fall in, honestly.

My DM once wanted to send something to friends of mine who were married but the woman had kept her surname. My mother refused to address the package properly as she said if the postman saw two different surnames, he might think they were living in sin