To hate addressing a letter to a women using husband's initials

[justarandomer]

On an address with the name as say;

Mrs M E Smith
When women is called Patricia Smith
But husband is Martin Edward Smith.

Why not Mrs P Smith

There must be a fancy term for this.

My MIL does it. It sends me up the F wall. I am a person in my own right than you very much.

On a birthday card or something personal she will still write it as
Mrs M E Smith.

I think she does it because she sees son as coming from above me, and so I'm lucky to be part of her dynastey.

I worked for a big charity about 10 years ago and this was the done thing when sending invitations for major donor events. I wonder whether the tide is turning.

This is long outdated. My mother would have been in her 90s by now, and was very much into traditional values, marriage, pillar of the church etc but she was always Mrs HerInitals Surname. They had a joint bank account and iirc it was Mr His and Mrs Hers Surname on the chequebook.

I hate this. It is wanky. I never do it even on formal letters I have to write at work.

Women are sentient beings and people in their own right. They do not become their husbands and nor do they belong to them.

It's old fashioned, but I wouldn't take it so personally, unless you've asked her not to.

I'm old enough to have learnt to do this, and I've only recently settled on a more modern approach that I find elegant - I copy an envelope a friend sent me with the two names on separate lines. Even though DH and I share a surname, I really like this. You can write exactly what you want on each line - title, initial, name, other names - without having to shoehorn them around an '&' in some appropriate pattern.

This has come up before. It's old fashioned for sure but generational and formal. People have the right to be called what they want, I think. I know two older relatives, widows, who were distressed to be addressed by their own initial rather than their late husband's initials as. in the old code, it meant they were divorced. It's gradually dying out anyway.

Is that what's going on with Princess Michael of Kent?

I worked for a big charity about 10 years ago and this was the done thing when sending invitations for major donor events. I wonder whether the tide is turning.

It's certainly still the done thing for anything über formal, I think - eg an invitation from Buckingham Palace or an honour (not that I have first hand experience of this!).

YANBU I hate this. My MIL does it too, very old fashioned. She also sent me a cheque payable to Mrs H(usband initial) Dog, I couldn't cash it into my account as it's not my name!

In 1975 a letter came from HMRC addressed to ... Mr R Smith (for your wife). I kid you not.

This old etiquette = modern day rude. I would consider it utterly rude if I had mail addressed to me in that manner.

YesILikeIt, I was also taught it as "correct" and respectful in my school days. Old habits are hard to break but it's fading naturally. Remember when Wimbledon called the women players by their husband's names? Even in the 1970s/80s Mrs John Lloyd (Chris Evert) played Mrs Roger Cawley (Yvonne Goolagong) I thought that was ridiculous and it wouldn't happen today.

My MIL addresses cards to just me as Dr C Penguin but joint ones to Mr and Mrs X HisName.

So my 'proper' title is second to my marital status.

It annoys me more than those who always refer to me as Mrs X HisName (which obviously is annoying in its own right but I get people taught traditional addresses)

I agree. It's archaic and offensive. I never even changed my name. Two older rellies write to us in this way, despite both of them knowing I didn't change my name.
That's really rude in my book. They're hiding behind 'it's the done thing' to make the point they disapprove at me living my life my own way. I've even spoken to one of them about it - really nicely, casually, no biggie - and she wasn't prepared to countenance why it wasn't OK. It's not as if we are landed gentry being invited to dinner with the Earl, or anything. I'm talking Christmas and Birthday cards. I'd honestly rather not have them.
Oh, and I'm early 50s, and thought it crap when I was a teenager, so it's not like it being crap is a new thing!

Oh dear it seems I'm the only one it seems who thinks you're BU. I actually love the old fashioned-ness of it and don't mind at all receiving it - because firstly I hardly ever get any non-boring mail anyway and, at the end of the day, it's usually just the envelope, which goes in the bin anyway!

Why on earth would anyone do this in 2016!!

I just ignore it and put full names on envelopes.

I find it annoying but luckily most people who still use it are the older generation so give it time and it will pass into history.

I'm surprised anyone does this.
I've been married 23 yrs and NEVER had anything addressed to Mrs (dh's initials) Good, always Mrs (my initials) Good

Sugarcoma I'm with you. Getting a letter is rather old fashioned in itself, these days, so I like the formality of it. I think "rude" is an odd descriptor. Stuffy/old fashioned I'd accept. Equally, to someone who is a stickler for etiquette, addressing them as if they are divorced or widowed when they are married is rude. That said, the whole married name thing doesn't bother me in the slightest, so my view probably stems from that - fully accept others have a different view, though.

My mother does this. She puts on the envelope of my birthday cards, Mrs (DH's first name and surname). I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm a non person. I don't know anyone else who does this.

If being called by your husband's name bothers you so much, why did you change your name on marriage? I think YABU, it's a correct form of address. I don't like it myself, but that's why I wouldn't change my name for anyone!

YANBU, I like etiquette rules usually but this one has no place in 2016. I actually remember mum explaining this to me when I was small (my grandparents had sent her a letter using this war of addressing her) and I thought it was daft even then!

I don't.

Way, not war!

My mother is late 70s she has always hated it.

Is that what's going on with Princess Michael of Kent?

No. Princess Michael is only a princess by virtue of her marriage to a prince - therefore she is Princess Michael rather than Princess Marie-Christine. Princess Anne, for example, is a princess by birth, so didn't become Princess Mark on her marriage.