if i pull out of this training?

[VelvetSpoon]

Part of my job involves delivering training to other members of staff. As the company I work for has several offices, this means travelling for 3-4 hours each way, and an overnight stay if there is more than one day of training (or 2 days if the training is starting at 9am, as I'd need to go up the night before).

So, next month I've been asked to deliver 6 days of training, 3 sessions of 2 days a piece (and as all training is starting at 9am, I'd go up the night before. So 6 nights away).

Which isn't great, but it's doable. Or it would have been.

However, I've just received DSs mock exam timetable, and all his exams are during the period I'm meant to be away.

I feel I need to be here, to make sure he's up/ ready for school etc. The exam timetable is pretty busy over the days I'm meant to be away. I'm a lone parent; DS1 who's 18 will be here, but neither of them can 100% be relied upon to get up on time if I'm not around. I don't want DS to miss an exam, or be late, etc.

So AIBU to say I can't do the training? This will cause a big problem potentially as there's no one else who can easily deliver it, and the company is committed to completing all the training by a certain date...what to do?

Again, if we try and break it down a bit, it's not necessarily a case of being unreasonable it not. I travel a LOT for work (am away right now), but no way would my company or manager just arrange/book travel or trips for me without having checked how the dates work for me out of there is anything they need to consider re timings before going ahead. It might be that DH is also travelling, or I have no childcare, or a parents evening etc. It's both common sense and courtesy, and not an unreasonable expectation in this day and age of flexible working and work life balance etc. So I do think it's perfectly reasonable to aim for some kind of compromise.

DS is far more independent than most of his friends, and indeed most teens I hear about. I know very few people who have left their children at home every day alone from the age of 11

After so many years of being a lone parent, this part resonates strongly with me. We have to let our kids get on with it in a hundred small ways every day that partnered parents don't.

Another thing that jumps out at me is that us lone parents can sometimes make the mistake of being overly indulgent with some things just because it's what we can give. Like not 'burdening' an 18 year old with the running of the house for 48 hours. It's an easy mistake to make (I've made it myself about a billion times) and can see how much of a disservice it is to the whole family.

The other issue is the increased training. You seem to have signed up for it now but there's no reason it should go unremarked. It's a great opportunity to:

1. Write a role description and present it to your employer to be discussed and agreed.
2. Negotiate a salary that reflects the fact that you're handling the lion's share of training responsibility.

In your family and in your job I hope you acknowledge how valuable you are and confidently ensure that your worth is acknowledged by everyone around you

YANBU - every family dynamic is different. You know your son and what he needs, and I don't think making sure he is supported during exams is 'babying'.

I was very grateful for my (working) parents support during my exams. Heck, as an adult I appreciated DH's support as I sat exams!

It sounds like you have given a lot to work and I hope they are able to give you some flexibility in return this time. Perhaps go into the meeting with an alternative solution so it shows you want to make it work just those dates don't suit. Good luck.

WHY CAN'T THE OLDER ONE GET THE YOUNGER ONE UP?

Sorry to shout but you don't give a clear answer to this question!

Ragwort the OP said she doesn't feel like the older one should have to carry the load in that way.

Ragwort the OP said she doesn't feel like the older one should have to carry the load in that way

Shitting Nora, it is hardly asking him to donate a kidney or re-roof the house. This is an 18 year old man with a job we are talking about. He could have children of his own to feed, clothe and organise. Yet seemingly he can't be trusted to wake his brother up. I'm sure he could manage the following:

1. knock on 15 year old 's door
2. if no answer knock louder
3. if still no answer, open curtains, switch light on and whip quilt away.
4. if all else fails cup of cold water to the face.

If I were the op's 18 yo I'd be insulted that my mother thought I wasn't capable of doing this. Presumably he manages to complete simple tasks and interact with others at his work without his mother holding his hand?

I feel I for you OP, I'm a single parent of 2 teenage boys the same as yours and work ft too.. it's tough, isn't it?!
Not sure what I'd do in your shoes? I'm pretty sure mine wouldn't get up, I have to pretty much shoe horn the 15 year old out of bed in the mornings!
I think if I was you, I would speak to work and explain the situation and that you can't do the training. They probably won't be happy, but what can you do?!
Good luck x

How far is it to where you are training? Could you not drive up every morning even if it meant a really really early start? That way you could ensure your DS was out of bed before you leave. Even if it meant both of you getting up at 4am it wouldn't do either of you any harm for a few days.

And of he took himself back to bed after you'd left, that really is his own problem.

They are MOCK exams. Stop stressing. The teachers will already know what level paper your son needs. Mocks are just a practice run.

Ring the head of year and explain that you are away (he will be with 18year old son which is perfectly acceptable) and you are worried about him getting up. Get the head of year to talk to him about the situation and they can make plans together

It's fine for an 18 year old to support his brother. What are family for?

Your best bet is sharing your concerns with the head of year

Dutch - I know the Op has said she doesn't think it's 'fair' to ask the older son to help out, but why on earth not? As Like says - it would be perfectly reasonable for the older son to just knock on the door and get his brother out of bed.

As I said earlier, the OP seems to be indulging both her sons, the younger one as he can't seem to get up by himself and the older one as she doesn't think it's 'fair' for him to get the younger one up.

No wonder there are so many useless husbands and fathers on Mumsnet .

I'm the parent. So it's my responsibility. As I've said many times, this isn't just about waking him up, it's being there for support. I think DS1 has enough responsibility already, I don't want to devolve this on to him as well.

We're not allowed to drive to other offices, company policy is that all travel has to be done by train. I certainly wouldn't feel confident to drive 200 miles each way in a day anyway.

I'm not prepared to involve the school because I know that if I tell them I'll be away, based on previous discussions I've had with them, I anticipate it's likely to result in them making a referral to social services. And yes, SS are unlikely to be interested but I don't need that kind of stress.

You also have responsibilities to your job.

Why are you pandering to a school that would be so unreasonable anyway? Tell them to shove it.

speak to your employer.
i don't think it's an unreasonable conversation to have if you are willing to compromise.
my DH is a fully grown adult and struggles to get up, sleeps thru his alarm, has been known to remove the battery from his phone whilst asleep to stop the alarm going off, can hold a conversation whilst asleep still etc. he saw a neurologist and sleep specialist last year as it was causing him so much stress and anxiety. he has a form of narcolepsy. luckily he's a director and sets his own hours but on days when he has to be up we have to ensure that i can be available to ensure he is up and awake when his alarm goes off.

I anticipate it's likely to result in them making a referral to social services. And yes, SS are unlikely to be interested but I don't need that kind of stress.

I can guarantee that if they tried to make a referral solely on the basis of, ' a 15 year old left overnight in the care of an adult relative' that whoever was responsible for safeguarding at the school would be on the receiving end of an extremely cross phonecall/email from a team manager in social services.

What makes you think school would take that course of action?

On the off chance this will help: an app called Alarmy has changed my life! I have always been terrible at getting up, my whole life. But with this app (i think it's a one off payment of £3 for the full version) you can set it so that the alarm won't go off until you take your phone and physically scan a pre-printed barcode that you place wherever you want in your house. You can make the alarm something really loud and unpleasant and set it so that you cant snooze it or even turn the phone off while the alarm is ringing. You HAVE to get up and (in my case) go downstairs, open a kitchen cupboard and scan the barcode to turn off the alarm. It is just fantastic, as my problem has always been just finding the willpower to leave the bed. Try this for your son! Get that ap on his phone.

(I know it isnt the whole solution, but it might still help)

So you've taken a job where you need to be away occasionally and have an 18 year old who potentially could be in charge. You don't want the 18 year old to take normal responsibilities for his sibling but the 14 year old isn't capable of being responsible for himself.

My dealings with the school previously mean I have a fair idea of how they will react. There is a presumption made by them that all pupils are in 2 parent families, moreover that one of those parents doesn't work, or only Pt, or works from home. They have previously expressed surprise/ concern that i leave before DS in the morning, and don't return until evening. Therefore I don't think saying I was away overnight will be well received.

Thanks for the alarm recommendation. However it doesn't look like that app is available for DSs phone. He does sleep through his phone alarm. Once it was going continuously for over an hour (on the bed next to him), he slept through it, didn't even snooze it. That said, on other occasions (like today) he was up before me at 6.30 without even setting his alarm.

It's looking like some changes can be made to the training schedule though nothing finalised yet. But I am optimistic.

Just to clarify, I didn't take this job. My role originally only involved some adhoc local training. As it has evolved over the last few years, there has been more training, delivered nationally. I wouldn't have taken a role knowing I'd be doing a lot of overnight travel - as a lone parent with no family of my own, it's far from ideal.

I think at 14 he needs to be able to get up and organise himself reasonably well. I guess the worst outcome is that he fluffs up his mock exams. But then he could use this experience as a learning curve for his real exams/life.

The alternative is to pay someone to come in at 7.45 every morning and get him up?

It's perfectly legal that you're not in the house and your 18 year old is there a lot of the time. Your sons not 7 and left alone for long periods

I would approach the school regardless and give them the issue. Your 18 year old is there and you don't want him to take responsibility but the fact he's there means legally it's fine.

My dealings with the school previously mean I have a fair idea of how they will react. There is a presumption made by them that all pupils are in 2 parent families, moreover that one of those parents doesn't work, or only Pt, or works from home

Are you comfortable with your children being taught in a school run by people so stupid that they have never heard of one parent families? Or working women?
I wouldn't have my children attending such a school.