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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if i pull out of this training?

151 replies

VelvetSpoon · 13/10/2016 18:43

Part of my job involves delivering training to other members of staff. As the company I work for has several offices, this means travelling for 3-4 hours each way, and an overnight stay if there is more than one day of training (or 2 days if the training is starting at 9am, as I'd need to go up the night before).

So, next month I've been asked to deliver 6 days of training, 3 sessions of 2 days a piece (and as all training is starting at 9am, I'd go up the night before. So 6 nights away).

Which isn't great, but it's doable. Or it would have been.

However, I've just received DSs mock exam timetable, and all his exams are during the period I'm meant to be away.

I feel I need to be here, to make sure he's up/ ready for school etc. The exam timetable is pretty busy over the days I'm meant to be away. I'm a lone parent; DS1 who's 18 will be here, but neither of them can 100% be relied upon to get up on time if I'm not around. I don't want DS to miss an exam, or be late, etc.

So AIBU to say I can't do the training? This will cause a big problem potentially as there's no one else who can easily deliver it, and the company is committed to completing all the training by a certain date...what to do?

OP posts:
PipandNut · 16/10/2016 18:43

I remember all your threads about your sons and basically they ran rings around you and were useless. Sounds like this is still the case. I'd be expecting your 18 year old to step up here

grandmainmypocket · 16/10/2016 18:55

Velvet
I was that teen. I used to cry up into my 20s because I could sleep straight through an alarm. I was responsible but biologically couldn't wake up.

Taking care of your son is your job too. My one isn't a teen yet but as a lone parent I really empathise with you. Especially when there are very few options of support.

FrancisCrawford · 16/10/2016 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 17/10/2016 10:56

No one checked the dates with me, nor the timings (I didn't appreciate that it would be 2 overnights, or so close together) although we only got the mock timetable last week, so I didn't know until then.

DSs dad could wake him up at 6 if he stayed with him/ grandparents, but there would still be the problem of getting him to school, which is dependent on his Grandad's health.

I'd have no problem doing the training solo, my sessions usually are. But this particular topic involves a lot of group work/ breakout sessions, so it's better if there are 2 of us there to manage that. So far as I'm aware, only managers (who aren't attending) and my colleague who is training with me, have the timetable. Training Rooms have been booked (but on our offices so no cost) but no other arrangements that I'm aware of, certainly my travel hasn't been arranged.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 17/10/2016 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1474627704 · 17/10/2016 12:09

DS1 who's 18 will be here, but neither of them can 100% be relied upon to get up on time if I'm not around. I don't want DS to miss an exam, or be late, etc

They are pretty old to be babied like you are doing. You want to tell your employers that you can't do your job because your adult and mid teens sons can't get themselves out of bed if you aren't there to do it for them.
I'm surprised you need to ask, obviously YABU.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 17/10/2016 12:39

I don't agree I'm babying them. They have significantly more independence than their friends/ peers/ children I know.

I have put myself out considerably for my employers; I think playing the single parent card on ONE occasion is pretty reasonable.

Plus, if you read the thread you'll see it's. It just the waking. I also want to be 'around' during these exams. But clearly according to some people actually wanting to be a parent sometimes, not just a worker bee, is wrong!

OP posts:
LikeDylanInTheMovies · 17/10/2016 12:57

I don't agree I'm babying them. They have significantly more independence than their friends/ peers/ children I know.

Are you sure? I can't see how more dependent a 15 year old and an 18 year old man could be on their mother. 'What are you friends doing? Dressing them? Trimming their fingernails?

You want to tell your employers that you can't do your job because your adult and mid teens sons can't get themselves out of bed if you aren't there to do it for them.

This. ^ It is pretty pathetic that at 15 he can't get himself out of his wanking chariot to take an exam. Especially with an adult in the house to facilitate that. If you feel you are disproportionately being leaned on to do training/nights away than you colleagues, tackle it with you employers on the grounds of fairness. If you try doing it on the grounds that your 18 year old and 15 year old need babysitting, it will so your case more harm than good.

KoalaDownUnder · 17/10/2016 13:13

Honestly, OP.

At age 18, I had been living out of home for over a year, earning my own money, paying the bills, getting myself to uni on time, etc. And I was by no means exceptional. In fact, I had come from a fairly cushy/sheltered middle-class background, not the school of hard knocks or something.

You are absolutely 'babying' an 18-year-old by expecting so little from him.

user1474627704 · 17/10/2016 16:33

I don't agree I'm babying them. They have significantly more independence than their friends/ peers/ children I know

They can't even go to school or get out of bed without you. That isn't independence, and I dread to think what kind of pampered babies their friends are if they are worse!

user1474627704 · 17/10/2016 16:34

I also want to be 'around' during these exams. But clearly according to some people actually wanting to be a parent sometimes, not just a worker bee, is wrong!

To the extent of telling your work you can't do your job because you need to be at home for almost adult young men, yes, that is wrong.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 17/10/2016 17:22

I don't know any other 15 yo who are regularly left overnight without a parent in the house. Indeed several have never been (irrespective of elder siblings being present). One of DSs friends has never been at home on their own for more than an hour. I know very few who aren't driven to school every day (DS makes his own way) or who don't have a parent at home before/ after school/ during the day. DS isvery much the exception.

I don't think it's that unusual; when I went to uni in the 1990s, many of my peers hadn't spent much time away from their parents, and none of us could cook, or knew how to use a washing machine. DS has been able to put a wash on since he was 7, and is quite capable of cooking.

He also does usually get up without prompting. It's not like he never does it. But he doesn't manage it 100% either, as I've said. And I don't want the times I'm not there during his exams to be any of those times he doesn't get up. Or to be worrying about it. And I'd like to support him too, because I'm the only parent who will!

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 17/10/2016 17:29

Velvetspoon I don't think you are babying him. I totally would want to be around during mocks. I hope you can sort it out with your employer. I still think they are taking the piss to announce you are doing 6 overnights so close together, it's not your normal working pattern and I think they're taking you for granted.

FrancisCrawford · 17/10/2016 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 17/10/2016 17:41

I don't know any other 15 yo who are regularly left overnight without a parent in the house.

He is not alone, he is left with an adult in charge and at 15 should be capable of getting up and to and from an exam with minimal assistance from said adult.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 17/10/2016 18:26

I find it incredible that a 15 year old can't be responsible for getting themself up on time and that an 18 year old can't be asked to help out on occasion. When did kids get so dependent at such an age?

NicknameUsed · 17/10/2016 18:46

"I find it incredible that a 15 year old can't be responsible for getting themself up on time"

Don't you? Hmm. Do you have any teenagers?

I do. I have one who has crafted the fine art of not getting up and procrastinating to a fine degree. I am pretty strict with DD, but she is totally oblivious of time.

You need to understand that not all teenagers are the same.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 17/10/2016 18:47

I didn't say he'd be alone. None of his friends are left without a parent, even those that have adult siblings.

I'm mindful that irrespective of the comments that I am babying my child, his school place the onus for his attendance and punctuality on me, and if he misses an exam or is late, I'll get dragged into a school meeting and get cats bum faces/ snippy comments about me being away overnight. And in any event, this isn't JUST about making sure he's there, it's about support too, as I've said.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 17/10/2016 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1474627704 · 17/10/2016 18:49

One of DSs friends has never been at home on their own for more than an hour. I know very few who aren't driven to school every day (DS makes his own way) or who don't have a parent at home before/ after school/ during the day

At 15? Thats exceptional. Not many 15 year olds have SAHP, not many 15 year olds can't be left for more than an hour. You must live in a particularly pampered enclave.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 17/10/2016 18:59

I agree User147 these seem to be some exceptionally mollycoddled 15 year olds.

op I suspect that this has skewed your perception of what can be expected of a 15 year old.

As for support during the mocks. What support does a 15 year old need? Beyond Parent 'how was the exam today?' Teenager: 'ok'

I assume you'll have a phone with you during the evenings if either of your sons need information, advice or want a post mortem of the exam.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 17/10/2016 19:00

I agree User147 these seem to be some exceptionally mollycoddled 15 year olds.

op I suspect that this has skewed your perception of what can be expected of a 15 year old.

As for support during the mocks. What support does a 15 year old need? Beyond Parent 'how was the exam today?' Teenager: 'ok'

I assume you'll have a phone with you during the evenings if either of your sons need information, advice or want a post mortem of the exam.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 17/10/2016 19:00

My co trainer was off today, and mh immediate manager in meetings I am hoping to catch up with one or both tomorrow and discuss it further.

I live in the London suburbs. Most families I know have at least one parent who works pt, or shifts, or from home (or a combination of those three), and very few are lone parents, so there is almost always a parent around. It's why my DSs school has so much trouble with the fact I'm not at home during the day, or immediately before or after school, and that there is no other parent or grandparent there in place of me. Because here, as in many places I'm sure, that's the norm.

OP posts:
LikeDylanInTheMovies · 17/10/2016 19:01

oops, apologies for the double post.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/10/2016 19:03

I feel for you. No real solution, but I think some posters are being pretty harsh. Lots of teenagers are not 100% reliable about waking up, and whilst it would be lovely if your 18 year old could step up and help you out, the reality is that you are the person with ultimate responsibility. It would be very hard to leave DS without being certain that arrangements for him getting to his exams are absolutely concrete. It's not a normal day for him, and I don't suppose you'd be posting if it was.
Your options are, as I see it, either to let the organiser know that you won't be able to do the first part of the session, or arrange for a trusted adult to come and stay, or send him to grandad and be prepared to pay for cabs.
I do think it's a pretty poor show for your employers to assume youll be available overnight without discussing it with you first.