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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if i pull out of this training?

151 replies

VelvetSpoon · 13/10/2016 18:43

Part of my job involves delivering training to other members of staff. As the company I work for has several offices, this means travelling for 3-4 hours each way, and an overnight stay if there is more than one day of training (or 2 days if the training is starting at 9am, as I'd need to go up the night before).

So, next month I've been asked to deliver 6 days of training, 3 sessions of 2 days a piece (and as all training is starting at 9am, I'd go up the night before. So 6 nights away).

Which isn't great, but it's doable. Or it would have been.

However, I've just received DSs mock exam timetable, and all his exams are during the period I'm meant to be away.

I feel I need to be here, to make sure he's up/ ready for school etc. The exam timetable is pretty busy over the days I'm meant to be away. I'm a lone parent; DS1 who's 18 will be here, but neither of them can 100% be relied upon to get up on time if I'm not around. I don't want DS to miss an exam, or be late, etc.

So AIBU to say I can't do the training? This will cause a big problem potentially as there's no one else who can easily deliver it, and the company is committed to completing all the training by a certain date...what to do?

OP posts:
anotherdayanothersquabble · 13/10/2016 20:03

Any neighbours / friends of yours / colleagues who could help out?

Could you try gumtree / babysitter websites and find someone who could come round in the morning and help?

Any chance of swapping some training days with another colleague.

Yellowbird54321 · 13/10/2016 20:06

Hm tricky one OP, but given that you don't have a proper job title / description then I doubt your employer has much leverage about actually making you give the training - how do you think your manager would react if you explained the situation and asked to rearrange the training dates?
On balance I think I'd have to be there for son one way or another, guess it depends on how sympathetic your manager is as to how you work out how best to do that.

rumpelstiltskin43 · 13/10/2016 20:14

So you've got a month for him to learn to get himself up. Do whatever you need to train him. You can't put your job on the line to wake up a sixteen year old.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 13/10/2016 20:33

He has an alarm clock, and alarms on his phone, but can sleep through them all. Likewise me calling him. I once phoned him over 20 times, he still slept through. When he gets himself up, it's always because he's woken up naturally.

I don't have any neighbours I could ask. And I would worry knocking on the door wouldn't be any more effective than me ringing.

I think if I do have to go, it would need to be staying with friends or his grandparents.

The problem with swapping is that several other people in the office refuse to do any travelling because they have children. Changing the date might work for some sessions, or starting them later (so i can travel up that morning rather than the night before). The first session is definitely non-negotiable though, so I'll have to find somewhere for him to stay that night.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 13/10/2016 21:02

I feel it's not DS1s job to get his brother up - why not? Surely it is everyone's responsiblity in a family to help each other, is there any reason your older son cannot just sort this out? You are clearly working hard to support both your sons so perhaps the older one could help out this time?

I don't see why your employer should have to treat you 'favourably' because your teenage DS can't get himself up in the mornings. Confused.

I do appreciate it's hard, I have a 15 year old DS and have limited my career choices so that I can be around for these sorts of times.

cdtaylornats · 13/10/2016 21:07

He's not exactly getting a role model on adult responsibilities to work to.

BusStopBetty · 13/10/2016 21:25

Super loud alarm clock plugged in at the other side of the room?

MrsRobinson79 · 13/10/2016 21:41

Get an old bell style alarm clock. I had to take one of the bells off when I had it as a teenager as it used to give me a heart attack every morning it was so loud.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 13/10/2016 21:43

Not sure what the comment about a role model is? I think as a lone parent who's worked ft since DS1 was 7 months old, that's a pretty good role model for both my DSs. I don't know many women with partners (let alone without) who have worked as hard as me!

As for being treated favourably, I am the only person I know who doesn't play the I've got children card. Like my colleagues who won't travel outside work hours (even though they are not single parents). I very rarely ask for any concession for my situation, I travel in my own time, stay away overnight etc. I do hope therefore that on this one occasion they should be willing to compromise. If DS1 had gone to uni last month, I wouldn't have been able to go away at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 13/10/2016 21:50

His phone alarm is louder than an alarm clock and he can (and does) still sleep through it. We've tried the leaving it on the other side of the room too, to no avail. I've tried getting him to change the tone as well.

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 13/10/2016 21:54

If you're travelling then I hazard a guess others are too. They probably have trains, hotels etc. booked. It could have quite a financial impact. I'd be seriously pissed off if someone cancelled training like this.

PigletJohn · 13/10/2016 21:55

I'm thinking a really bright lamp, on a timer, may do. I'm thinking SAD light, pointing at the ceiling. Modern LEDs can be very bright, and run cool. Something about bright sunlight resetting the body clock (I used to hate getting up at 5.30)

Timed for, say, 20 mins before the radio alarm comes on.

Allthewaves · 13/10/2016 21:58

His brother should be double checking those two days to make sure he's up and out. Family pull together and help each other out.

Iizzyb · 13/10/2016 21:58

I too am lone parent but mine is pre-school. Is there a possibility of getting someone to stay over at your house the nights you are away to make sure he's up? Not a babysitter per se but maybe someone who is the equivalent of a casual hours nanny for teenagers? I know I could get a nanny who would do overnights for ds if I am away. Many of the adverts I have been looking at were women with grown up children. Is that an option for when you're away?

Even if you don't have a job description if this is part of your job then you need to do it. I can't see an issue in asking if the dates could be changed but if the dates have been sent out to delegates then it's really too late & as you say one date is now non-negotiable.

Is it an option to get one of your friends to stay over - not to babysit - presumably your ds's would be mortified - but just to make sure everyone gets up and out on time?

bbcessex · 13/10/2016 22:19

OP.. I think you're absolutely right to prioritise.. you sound like you are committed to your job AND committed to your kids... you can't be superwoman by yourself all the time and mocks are important.

Personally, this is the sort of situation that calls for a 'medical appointment' that's come through and can't he changed. . At least the first training session. And then maybe see if you can sort out some help at home for the next one..

All very well posters saying what your teen SHOULD do.. its you who has to deal with the reality.

Good luck and well done .. sounds like you do a bloody good job at home AND at work.

ilovesooty · 13/10/2016 22:23

I'm surprised it took this long for someone to suggest the OP lies to her employer - something the OP herself hasn't of course suggested.

ChuckBiscuits · 13/10/2016 22:24

I am afraid i cannot spend 6 nights away from home next month. I still have a school aged child and i am unable to do this.

bbcessex · 13/10/2016 22:41

You are very perfect ilovesooty.
Sometimes life needs a balance.

ilovesooty · 13/10/2016 22:43

No, not perfect. I just don't think that sort of lie to one's employer is acceptable.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/10/2016 22:46

Teenagers will generally do stuff for money. Pay for performance. Pay the 18 year old for each exam he wakes the 15 year old up for. Pay the 15 year old for each exam he makes.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/10/2016 22:52

I think that as these are mocks, it's a perfect opportunity for your son to show he's growing up and can be relied upon to get himself up and to school.

I don't think it's any great hardship for his older brother to bang on the door of a morning to help get him up either.

bbcessex · 13/10/2016 22:53

Good shout mumof I'd forgotten the power of the bribe!!

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 13/10/2016 23:14

Unfortunately DS is in the position (due to never spending any money) having about £500 in the bank. He is better off than me!

The light idea is an interesting one I'd not thought of. He sleeps with his curtains open anyway but is much better at getting up early in the summer.

I don't plan to lie to my employers, I'd rather be honest and try and reach a compromise. The first session can't be changed from the date. But it may be able to be put back an hour or so (so I can go up that morning). I will make a plan for one night and see if the rest can be rearranged.

In terms of travel, it's only me and my co trainer travelling. And none of that has been booked yet. The training is being delivered to staff at the offices where they work, so no travel for them. At the moment there wouldn't be any cost in changing the arrangements that I'm aware of.

OP posts:
GazingAtStars · 13/10/2016 23:24

So what solution has your son come up with? At 15 getting up for school was most definitely my problem, not my parents

TheWrathFromHighAtopTheThing · 13/10/2016 23:32

I am Shockthat it's been suggested that you hire a babysitter or nanny!! For a 15 year old.