if i pull out of this training?

[VelvetSpoon]

Part of my job involves delivering training to other members of staff. As the company I work for has several offices, this means travelling for 3-4 hours each way, and an overnight stay if there is more than one day of training (or 2 days if the training is starting at 9am, as I'd need to go up the night before).

So, next month I've been asked to deliver 6 days of training, 3 sessions of 2 days a piece (and as all training is starting at 9am, I'd go up the night before. So 6 nights away).

Which isn't great, but it's doable. Or it would have been.

However, I've just received DSs mock exam timetable, and all his exams are during the period I'm meant to be away.

I feel I need to be here, to make sure he's up/ ready for school etc. The exam timetable is pretty busy over the days I'm meant to be away. I'm a lone parent; DS1 who's 18 will be here, but neither of them can 100% be relied upon to get up on time if I'm not around. I don't want DS to miss an exam, or be late, etc.

So AIBU to say I can't do the training? This will cause a big problem potentially as there's no one else who can easily deliver it, and the company is committed to completing all the training by a certain date...what to do?

They're not 'only' mocks; if he does badly he will not be put in for higher papers and be unable to gain a 5.

How will U feel if U make a ruckus at work, but he still does badly (doesn't get to take the final exams you want him to do). Make sure you can stomach that outcome, too.

Why do people come on here to ask these questions.... You've already made up your mind judging by your comments and responses which I respect.... Just do what you need to do! Why do you care what a bunch of Internet people think? Has no bearing on what you actually will do...

Leaving them overnight is something I've had to do over the past 2-3 years but I'd rather that wasn't the case.

Your oldest son is eighteen!! He is officially an adult. You keep saying you don't think it's 'fair' on him, I don't get this at all. Your oldest son is living at home at cheap or free rent, presumably - helping you out by looking after his brother for a few days, so that you can work, is exactly what he should be doing!

Also, social services and the school can't do anything to you - you're leaving him in the care of an adult.

I feel for you OP. I think a lot of people on here have never had to get a teenager out of bed when they are genuinely so fast asleep they cannot wake up.

We have 2 ds, the elder one sounds exactly like your ds2. He slept through alarm clocks, phones, everything. For years dh had to go into work later than he would have preferred as he had to get ds1 out of bed and to school. On days when both of us had to leave the house before 8, ds1 rarely got to school before lunchtime. It was horrendous. DS2 was sleepy in the mornings but always gpt up.

I don't think people realise unless they've been through it that there is somerimes literally nothing you can do to get them up. We tried everything. We got commemts about it from "friends", implying that we were "giving in " to him.

With regards to your dilemma, I would talk to your employer to see if the dates can be chsnged. If they can't then I think you have to deliver the training. I would also talk to both your ds about the situation and rely on ds1 to get ds2 up.

Good luck

I missed all my mock GCSE's as I had the flu. I spent the entire exam period talking to spiders on the wall.

I wouldn't pull out of the training.

In terms of higher/foundation with the new GCSE the crossover is 6 not 5. If he is getting a 5 he should be doing foundation. Higher is aimed at 6 and above.

I know this isn't your query but might help. I am in 2 minds about your situation. Part of me thinks (as a teacher) they are only micks and a sizeable amount of students won't take them seriously. The other part of me remembers Y11 students I have taught who had parents leaving them overnight (not in mocks) and they always seemed a bit overwhelmed by having to deal with adult issues before they were ready.

If your employer will allow you to reschedule and make it one or two nights that would be much better.

A letter from DSs school arrived today, about mocks etc. In the letter it very clearly said they expect parents to ensure children are a) well prepared by supporting revision etc and b) that they attend all mocks and are punctual.

Clearly the school consider it my responsibility to ensure DS is there.

As to the exams, the info we've had from school is that a 5 is a top C, so = higher papers. If he doesn't sit higher papers he will only get a 4, which is a low C now, but apparently next year won't count as a pass.

He does get up on time often, but I can't 100% rely on it. He does have a fair amount of responsibility, he is here up to 12 hours a day (in school hols) on his own or with his brother. He can use s washing machine, cook, wash up, does jobs around the house (if I give him a list of what needs doing) it's just this one area I feel he needs some support with. And also I would like to be around during the exams - I read posts on here from women all the time who either don't work or only work pt even though their DC are teens, because they think the kids need them around. And that seems to be an accepted pov. I would just like to be around a bit more at this time, because there is only me.

I am going to discuss it in work on Mon and try to reach some kind of compromise. I have spoken to DS; he says it's fine and he'll be able to get up, but whilst I know he will try, I know he doesn't always manage, and I'd rather not take the chance. I'd also rather not spend so much time away from home in one go.

Your work must know you are a single parent. 6 days away is a lot. Can any of the training be rearranged?

I think a compromise ought to be possible. it doesn't have to be all or nothing. My approach would be to break it down as follows:

• Flag to employer this is a very difficult month to have so many nights away, that there are some arrangements that you need to look into
• Look at the mock timetable in detail. I'm not up to speed on current levels higher versus lower etc. but surely there isn't a key decision related to every paper in every subject? I would prioritise key papers in English, Maths & Science for example, and look how many of those ones actually clash. You might find that it's only 4 of the 6 days that are really a problem.
• Go to employer with I can do abc but really struggling with def, can any be moved by a day or two, or can a colleague cover on this occasion?
• If the answer to the above is no, then arrange sleepovers etc. for important papers in important subjects, and use the others as an opportunity for your son to show a bit more independence.

I don't think it has to be a case of saying no to training, or not supporting son for any of his exams, there is probably a bit more nuance in it than that.

What the letter from the school means I suspect having quite a few friends who are teachers/lecturers what they mean is they expect you to be a parent who raises their child to be a responsible considerate adult!

Ourblanche that sounds like pure insanity!

Question - how many of us had parents who would have considered themselves to blame post age 14 if we were late/missed exams? Mine would have absolutely bollocked me! As for 'i don't have any consequences I can enforce' really?! Does he have a phone you pay for? Access to Wi-Fi you pay for? Hobbies you pay for? Games console? Bet he'd get his backside up if he thought you'd take his phone off him!

In this area, mock results are what 6th form provisional offers are based on, so they are important.

I was surprised how much more significance is placed on mocks etc since my day.

His phone is provided by his dad, so is not something I can confiscate, although saying that he doesn't really use it, his phone broke earlier this year and he did without one quite happily for a couple of months.

I know from experience that the school do expect ME to ensure he's there on time for these exams. The emphasis is that it's very much down to parents. I know if he was late, the school would be phoning me, not him, and expecting me to go home and bring him in, or similar.

It might not happen, he might get there on time for all exams. But he might not, and I don't need the stress and worry. So I will be trying for some kind of compromise with my employers.

They are always used in offers... even in FE colleges. But equal weight is given to reports, teacher grading. As we all know that mocks are also there to be failed / scared of / used as a practice run for the school as well as the students!

graphista I taught in FE to escape such insanity, as it was usual that nly the more, erm, challenging and often far more independent student left the security blanket of VI Form. Being independent FE was also free of much of the school paperwork structures, the choke hold stuff many teachers are burned out by. But it slowly crept in, becoming the main reason for my 'retiring'!

Sorry if I've missed this, but is his father not able to help out on those key dates?

Is there not some kind of alarm clock that wakes you 'naturally' using gradually increasing light levels?? Sure that someone I used to work with had one, and said it was great.
School is asking for you to be responsible because they know many kids cannot take any responsibility for themselves having never had to.

His dad is around, but really isn't much use. He still lives with his parents and leaves for work before 6, so getting DS up and to school would be down to his parents if DS stayed with them.

Yabu...him and his brother are old enough to get themselves up from school and get their on time...disrupting 6 days of training and a lot of people's time and schedule because neither or 15 or 18 year old are responsible enough to make sure they are both up on time is completely unreasonable and I doubt your work would be happy.
My mum went on holiday during my actual GCSEs it was my responsibility to get myself up and to the exams

Could that be a possible option then - for his grandparents to help out? Depending on how far away they are, could they drop in on those mornings, or stay over?

I bet that if your DS saw this thread he'd probably be mortified that there's been this much discussion over it, and just sort himself out! At that age I was completely independent and wouldn't have wanted anyone else going through this much effort or worry on my behalf...

YANBU. I wouldn't want to leave my DD during important exams. I'm a lone parent with practically no support from her dad and it's difficult to be constantly feeling guilty for leaving DD alone to go to work or go out. Sounds to me like the training could be moved if it's just at people's workplaces, open up a conversation with your employer. It's crap if everyone else uses children as an excuse but you don't - you could point this out in a factual sort of way. A friend left her 17 yo DD alone during exams recently, and pretty much everyone said they thought it wasn't great, so I don't know why you are getting a hard time on this thread. Good luck!

I think the mocks are a bit of a red herring and actually being away for 6 days and nights is a long time to leave a 15 year old alone. Can your ex not come and stay in the house while you're away, your 18 year old make sure the 15 year old is up and the 15 year old be told in no uncertain terms that he needs to take some responsibility for getting up in the mornings while his mocks are on?

If this isn't workable then I'd cancel on the basis that you can't leave your child alone for 6 nights. Nothing unreasonable about that IMO.

There is no possibility of them dropping in or staying here. At best DS could stay there. However his Grandad (who is in poor health) would need to drive him back to school, and this would be subject to him being well enough. Plus there's no bed there, DS has to sleep on the sofa so it's not ideal by any means.

DS is far more independent than most of his friends, and indeed most teens I hear about. I know very few people who have left their children at home every day alone from the age of 11. He's managed that fine. He just needs a little support in this area. And also, I want to be around at what will be a stressful time for him.

If your work didn't check with you first before deciding on these dates then I don't see anything wrong with saying you can't manage those and asking them to check with you in future before picking dates.
I'd offer to do one or two of the sessions for goodwill's sake while emphasising the inconvenience and ask to rearrange the others.

Ah well that's the main thing really Velvet, if you want to be there to offer him moral support then that's what you should do. The logistics almost don't matter.

I didn't see the ins and outs of what it would take to rearrange it, but I'm sure the training sessions can be rearranged, either by changing the times or having someone fill in. Or doing some of them virtually?! There are always ways round these things.

Hopefully you manage to have a rational conversation with them tomorrow...

He still lives with his parents and leaves for work before 6, so getting DS up and to school would be down to his parents if DS stayed with them

Well then DS gets up before 6?

On a serious note.....did work check the dates with you beforehand? (apologies if you have said this, not all pages are loading for me)

I still don't understand why the older brother can't wake the younger one up - what time does the older one get up? Does he go off to work?

Surely he could do this as a favour to help YOU.