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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if i pull out of this training?

151 replies

VelvetSpoon · 13/10/2016 18:43

Part of my job involves delivering training to other members of staff. As the company I work for has several offices, this means travelling for 3-4 hours each way, and an overnight stay if there is more than one day of training (or 2 days if the training is starting at 9am, as I'd need to go up the night before).

So, next month I've been asked to deliver 6 days of training, 3 sessions of 2 days a piece (and as all training is starting at 9am, I'd go up the night before. So 6 nights away).

Which isn't great, but it's doable. Or it would have been.

However, I've just received DSs mock exam timetable, and all his exams are during the period I'm meant to be away.

I feel I need to be here, to make sure he's up/ ready for school etc. The exam timetable is pretty busy over the days I'm meant to be away. I'm a lone parent; DS1 who's 18 will be here, but neither of them can 100% be relied upon to get up on time if I'm not around. I don't want DS to miss an exam, or be late, etc.

So AIBU to say I can't do the training? This will cause a big problem potentially as there's no one else who can easily deliver it, and the company is committed to completing all the training by a certain date...what to do?

OP posts:
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 14/10/2016 05:31

Me too TheWrath!

To be honest, I can't believe anyone would actually can el a work trip because their fifteen year old can't get up by himself!

Laziness like this would really piss me off, bollocks would I be making my life harder to be there to get my girls up!

At his age my parents could easily go on holiday and leave me to it, I honestly can't fathom why any teenager wouldn't be capable of this, SEN aside.

graphista · 14/10/2016 05:45

Double bell alarm clocks have a harsher sound than any phone alarm! Also agree with lights on timers, but not gradual, interrogation spotlight jobs!

To be frank and sorry if I seem harsh but it's ridiculous that he (and an EIGHTEEN year old!) Are still relying on mum for something so basic!

I'm also a lone parent, daughter 15, she is definitely not a lark by nature but gets up 0630 every morning by herself and gets ready for school. School also deems getting to school on time the child's responsibility for getting to school on time and if they're late there's a 3 strikes policy, 3 times late detention, 3 detentions suspension!

Is he regularly late for school? When does he go to bed? To sleep?

Ragwort · 14/10/2016 07:21

Why can't your older DS help out on this occasion and get the younger one out of bed, you haven't answered that question?

(Yes, I still appreciate the whole situation is ridiculous but surely the older one can help you?).

mum2Bomg · 14/10/2016 07:54

He might have a job in a year and then he'd have to get up himself or face the consequences. You might be surprised and he will sort this himself?

ArgyMargy · 14/10/2016 08:05

I agree - I think you could be surprised how he responds to be left to get on with it. A bit like a baby who will never take a bottle when a mother's breast is in the vicinity, soon changes its mind when hungry. Well, not really the same but you get my point. My DCs are far more sensible/responsible/attentive/punctual when I'm away.

ParadiseCity · 14/10/2016 08:13

I think your employer is taking the piss assuming you can do all this training. I'd tell them you can do 2 nights away during that month as you already have other commitments.

Penfold007 · 14/10/2016 08:23

You really need to stop enabling his behaviour, your doing him no favours in the long run. At 15 he is perfectly capable of getting up on time. As mentioned up thread you have a few weeks to train him, good loud alarm away from the bed and a couple of detentions for lateness will focus his mind.

Matchingbluesocks · 14/10/2016 08:27

This is really tricky. I can see your point but unfortunately this is exactly the sort of thing we often have to suck up as working parents under the guise of "life isn't fair"

That said, I see no reason why you couldn't speak to your boss and explain- there is lots of time to move the training round, or for you to take annual leave (and I think ultimately this is what you will need to do if they aren't flexible)

Matchingbluesocks · 14/10/2016 08:29

Though I should add to my post I think you probably deep down just want to be there for emotional support- I mean who, ideally, wants their child to come home evening after evening of "big" exams with no parent there to dissect/ speak about it with? The getting up and out is neither here nor there and just not really important IMO.

NicknameUsed · 14/10/2016 08:40

"Dd1 is 9, we have to leave at 6.30 every morning, she gets herself up at 5.45 every day with no issue?!"

That because she is 9. Just wait until she is a teenager.

DD is 16 and I totally get where the OP is coming from. I suspect that those of you who are unsympathetic either don't have teenagers or have teenagers who don't sleep through alarms.

Frustratingly DD seems to have no concept of time and has to be nagged every morning to be ready in time for the school bus. Not nagging won't work because we live in a rural area and after the school bus has gone there aren't any others, so I would end up taking her to school myself.

OurBlanche · 14/10/2016 09:18

As an (ex) FE Lecturer I am begging you all to let your kids fend for themselves.

20 years of "My mum didn't wake me up" during real exams became wearing to the point that I wholeheartedly agreed with colleagues who suggested said miscreants should be laughed at and told to go home... instead of us, placating anxious friends about to go into the exam that all would be well, phoning, sendoing out messages to all and sundry, finding missing student, rushing round putting Plans B, C and D into practice, all the while listening to them moaning about how it would impact their whole entire future if they didn't take this one exam... and rarely did we get a thank you from student or parent.

So again please let your lazy sons and daughters fuck up with their mocks... let them learn that valuable lesson when it doesn't really matter.

Elisheva · 14/10/2016 09:30

I don't get why all your colleagues are allowed to refuse to travel but you are not? I'm assuming it hasn't impacted negatively on their careers as they are still there working with you. The previous poster's suggestion was perfect - I'm sorry but I have a school aged child and I can't be away for 6 nights in a month. Saying that you travel in your own time, pay for your accommodation and never ask for allowances, well why not? You seem a bit scornful of the other people who refuse to travel 'even though they're not single parents'. Do you get paid more than them? I think your employers are taking advantage of you.

MissOpheliaBalls · 14/10/2016 09:52

Have you actually spoken to your son about this situation? Does he realise how important these exams are ? Does he realise that he is responsible for being at the right place, at the right time. Are you enabling his 'teenager laziness' ? Why not speak to him like the semi adult he is and explain that he's going to need to be responsible for himself during this time. Showing you want to trust him to take responsibility for himself will be a huge boost to his self esteem. If the worst happens and he's late to school then he has to take the consequences, but having had two children (now adults) go through the exam system I'm left feeling that only schools and teachers truly believe that your life is completely f**ked if you miss an exam and that in truth there's always an alternative.

crashdoll · 14/10/2016 10:46

Yes you would be unreasonable to mess up other people's plans. Have you had a discussion with your older DS about helping?

OnionKnight · 14/10/2016 10:51

You've posted about your son before and how he cannot be trusted to get himself to school, why haven't you dealt with it before now?

lljkk · 14/10/2016 10:55

they aren't important exams... only mocks. Confused

If he does badly in mocks that's a kick up the bottom about why he needs to be more self-motivated. Bonus.

ParadiseCity · 14/10/2016 13:25

Teenagers body clocks are different to kids and adults. So I can see why they need a kick up the bump to get ready. And it doesn't sound like work has asked the OP therfore it is fine to say No.

ParadiseCity · 14/10/2016 13:25

Bum not bump!!

Mysieveisbroken · 14/10/2016 14:09

I have a 16yr old D's. When he did his mocks a year ago he knew that it wasn't just about seeing how well he did on the day and what paper he would take in the real exams but also to fine tune his revision, his time management etc. I told him I would of course help him out with anything but ultimately the responsibility was his. He messed up a few times and a couple of mocks he didn't do very well in (didn't think he needed to revise) but he pulled it back for the real thing and came out with excellent results. He had to realise it himself though.

Mysieveisbroken · 14/10/2016 14:11

Posted too soon. So maybe your Ds needs to oversleep a few times and deal with the consequences.

PrunesforElla · 14/10/2016 14:18

15 is old enough to have the consequences explained to him and have to suffer them if he didn't do as required.

In my last school we wouldn't have accepted 'my mum didn't get me up' as any kind of excuse for missing an exam from a y11 pupil and no eyebrows would be raised at him being left for several nights with an 18yo sibling.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 14/10/2016 16:25

Well Prunes my involvement with this school to date is such that I know that at best eyebrows would be raised, at worst there would be a call to social services. Obviously I'd rather that didn't happen.

The school view it as my responsibility to make sure DS is there, and he's there on time. They're not 'only' mocks; if he does badly he will not be put in for higher papers and be unable to gain a 5.

Whoever said upthread I don't want to go, they're right. I don't want to spend 6 days in a month away, especially at such an important time. I feel DS deserves better.

I also don't think it should fall to his elder brother to get him up. I feel my kids already have enough responsibility due to me working FT. They have been looking after themselves before/ after school and all holidays for many years. Leaving them overnight is something I've had to do over the past 2-3 years but I'd rather that wasn't the case.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 14/10/2016 20:05

I also don't think it should fall to his elder brother to get him up.

But why not? Surely part of raising sons is that they learn to live in family situations and sometimes that means caring/helping out. Your older DS would be helping YOU by getting your younger DS up. Why is that such an issue? I grew up with younger siblings, I learned that I had to stay in to babysit them occasionally when I would rather be going out as a teenager - that's family life.

I have a teenage DS, I do appreciate it is difficult but if sounds as though you have worked so hard at your career (understandably as a lone parent) that you are pussy footing around their responsibilities at home - you have a younger son who can't get himself up in the mornings and an older one who you won't/can't ask to get to get the other one up.

We read endless posts on Mumsnet about men who can't deal with normal family life - you have the opportunity to sort your sons out.

PinkissimoAndPearls · 14/10/2016 20:19

Velvet at what age would you deem it appropriate to make your DS solely responsible for getting himself up and out to school? If not at 15...16? 17? 18?!

15 and doing mocks is plenty old enough to be responsible or take the consequences. He will never ever learn unless you allow the consequences to happen. He will never gain enough maturity and responsibility if you keep treating him like this and allowing him to hand over his responsibility to you.

I know it's difficult if there aren't any consequences, such as removal of money, you can apply yourself. (One tactic that worked for my getting up on time refuser at that age btw, was the threat of following her to the bus stop and waving her off on the bus in front of her friends, and her knowing I would follow it through!)

But as some point you can't be using carrots and sticks, they just have to learn their actions or inactions have consequences, and accept these. This seems like a golden opportunity and I would use it as such, personally.

SheSparkles · 14/10/2016 20:22

I think this is the time to use your parent card with your employer. I'd be exactly the same as you in not wanting to be away during exam time. As for all those saying that it's the boy's responsibility to get himself up...well yes maybe it is, bit given that this is for exams, I think we can cut Op and her son some slack here.