Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

[Eatcakeandbreathe]

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

[ayeokthen]

Kids take in a lot more than you think, teach them why other children struggle, not just that they do
This, a million times over! Tolerance all round is the way to go.

[FeralBeryl]

A8Mint - why didn't you prevent him ruining the party?
Or if you couldn't-ring his mum and get her to collect him?

[ohgoodlordthatsmoist]

Let your son invite who he wants and deal with the consequences too, it's an important life lesson for all.

You shouldn't invite someone just because they have special needs especially if your son doesn't get along with them (my son is being constantly bitten by a child with sen needs at nursery and we won't be inviting him to any parties - unreasonable I think not) if your son didn't want to invite him just because the kid has Ds then that would be different but if they don't get along it is no different to how you would treat anyone else and isn't that what a lot of 'disabilist' people moan in about not treating anyone differently.

[NothingMoreThanFelines]

Oh great. This is what my sweet 2.5-year-old DD with Down's has to look forward to. She's at nursery at the moment and gets along fine with her peers. She pulled another little girl's hair the other day - it's a sensory-seeking thing - and this girl said to the nursery worker "It's OK - she didn't mean it". This was a three-year-old. If she could understand that, surely it's possible to explain to your son, who's older, that children with DS sometimes behave a bit differently?

FWIW, I've never met a six-year-old with DS who was capable of or interested in being intentionally mean. As someone suggested upthread, he's probably discovered that calling your son a baby gets a reaction and finds it exciting.

And yes, leaving out just three children from a whole-class party is nasty. Either have a smaller gathering or invite everyone. If your son really wants a big bash, maybe ask him to imagine how he'd feel if he were new at a school and nobody invited him to anything.

[mouldycheesefan]

Ffs read the op. It's a mixed year class, it wouldn't be just three from the class not invited, it's three from the year group. There will be more children from the class than that not invited.
Op let him invites his friends that he wants there. You are not compelled to invite everyone.

[3boys3dogshelp]

Not read the full thread but both my sons are in mixed year classes and it is very obvious to the children at our school which year they are in due to how they are sat and the work they do. OP YABU. I've been in a similar position (my ds wanted to leave out 2 boys he said were mean to him - one with adhd and one with autism) I explained that it takes some children longer to learn how to play with other children and that leaving them out doesn't help them learn. My ds is far from angelic himself so I wasn't too impressed with his attitude tbh. He invited them - one came and was far better behaved than ds!!

[NothingMoreThanFelines]

I've read the OP, thanks. There's clearly an awareness of who's in Year 2, given that the OP's DS has invited them all - bar three - and only three from Year 1.

[Buck3t]

mygorgeousmilo Really, to not invite (from an entire year) two new kids and a kid with SEN

There seems to be very few of us that are reading the reality of the situation. There are 11 children in year 1 and 14 in year 2. She hasn't invited most of year 1 and she hasn't invited three children from year 2. 2 are new who he doesn't know well (i.e. he'd like his friends there, there is time to make friends with those two new boys later) 1 is a boy that calls him names and who they rub up the wrong way (and apparently has an SEN of some kind).

I've read so much on this thread, but it seems to me everyone is focused on inclusion. He hasn't included 11 people from year 1 that he doesn't really play with, but all 25 sit in class together. Shouldn't he then invite all 25? Inclusiveness for inclusiveness sake doesn't make sense to me. Inviting someone who is mean just because they have an SEN seems like reverse disablism, it's a bit like inviting the token black person to the party in order to include them, but if we don't get on why would they be there.

Then there is the argument that many children's social world is based in school, so OP should teach him to be inclusive even if he doesn't like the kid, well that's not true as two children invited are not from the school their from outside school. So he can make friends anywhere.

I think the OP's mistake was asking about this child with SEN. In that sentence I think she was making excuses for him, she shouldn't do that, he's just a child who doesn't get on with his son. OP's DS has to attend school with him that's enough inclusion as far as I'm concerned. I work with people I don't like I invite the ones I do like out. Simple.

Whilst OP's worrying about everyone else's needs, it seems her non-disabled, been at the school from the beginning son must suffer. Doesn't seem right on his birthday. Teach a lesson on another occasion.

Thanks for entertaining me overnight MN the overreactions did make me laugh out loud sometimes.

[ayeokthen]

NothingMoreThanFelines DD had a friend at nursery who has autism, he used to pull her hair too, and I fully understood and appreciated that it was beyond his control at that age. I changed the way I put her hair up, stopped putting bright bobbles and bows in it, in case they were upsetting him, and tried to find ways of protecting DD without making her pal feel bad or excluded. Incidentally he was invited to her birthday party, because they were pals, and she understood he couldn't help it. That said, when she came home with a chunk of hair ripped from her scalp I did speak to the nursery, making it clear that I wasn't having a go at the wee boy, but that DD was really upset and sore and could we find a way to make sure that both children were able to play together without DD being hurt and without her pal feeling distressed too. Hopefully your DD will be treated properly by her peers and their parents, her wee pal at nursery sounds lovely.

[GreatFuckability]

nothingmorethanfelines great post. For what its worth, not all people are like this. My nephew has DS and has great friends around him, and my kids worship him and fully understand that even though he is older than them, he might not always be able to understand things as they do. A child calling another child a baby one time is hardly the end of the world is it!!?

[paxillin]

He doesn't want the new kids, maybe he's shy and slow to make friends, fair enough.

He does want ALL of his old friends except the one with Down Syndrome.

It's ugly. It looks ugly. It's really obvious. People will notice and think pretty much what this thread thinks of you. There will be a couple of parents who think it's your party, go ahead and single out the disabled child. Most will think it disgusting. I would.

[MoreCoffeeNow]

OP says the child with DS is a year older than her DC. The class is a mixed age group class. More than half aren't invited. Why don't people read the thread?

[Buck3t]

MoreCoffeeNow OP says the child with DS is a year older than her DC. The class is a mixed age group class. More than half aren't invited. Why don't people read the thread?

1. Because if they are not used to mixed age group classes, it might be confusing (I know I had to read it several times, and I still didn't get the same as you)
   

1. Because it doesn't fit their 'your being prejudiced' narrative.
   

B

[ayeokthen]

Buck3t and MoreCoffeeNow I wish you'd been on earlier!

[RebeccaMumsnet]

Hi all,

We've had a few reports about this thread and we wanted to post this about our This Is My Child campaign which has lots of information about the ways that people can make life a bit easier for disabled people and their carers. Mumsnet's aim is to make parents' lives easier, and we strongly believe that this includes all parents caring for children with disabilities, as well as all parents who have disabilities themselves.

This isn't about limiting valid debate, and of course some people may be posting in genuine ignorance. But where we think posters are refusing to engage sensibly with a debate, or appear to be unwilling to take on board the points that other posters are making, we will take action.

[NothingMoreThanFelines]

Thanks, ayeokthen and GreatFuckability.

I'm always worried when I hear that DD has pulled someone's hair and completely understand parents wanting to ensure their tinies don't get hurt. There's a little boy with suspected autism at a group we go to. I rather dread his presence, as he hurts smaller children. It's not his fault and it would be awful if he were excluded from groups or parties, but I'd certainly expect his parent or the session leader to be aware and on the lookout.

[paxillin]

He's a year older, but from his year group, MoreCoffeeNow. No need for a patronising "Why don't people read the thread?"

[Zoflorabore]

My ds is now 13, he has asd.
When he was finally invited to a sleepover in year 6 I could have cried with relief, thankfully the mum had said it could be a sleepover for all boys in the class, 10 of them.
I've never seen my ds so happy!

That same year he was invited to another class sleepover, it made a huge impact on him and gave him the courage to stand up in front of his whole class and tell them he was autistic ( not everyone knew ) and explained a bit about it and even answered questions.
I like to think that the class now have a better understanding due to this, it bloody hurts when your child is left out and an invite to a party can seem like the most important thing in the world to some children, especially those with SN.

[Myredrose]

Thanks for entertaining me overnight MN the overreactions did make me laugh out loud sometimes

I am glad it made you laugh, be very greatful that you don't have the pain of watching your child be left out of normal social interaction because they are different. The 'overreactions' are often coming from a place of huge pain.

[Myredrose]

*grateful dammit

[NothingMoreThanFelines]

The "why don't you read the thread"-ers appear to be reading the thread but not understanding it.

[ayeokthen]

NothingMoreThanFelines my eldest DS used to bite, a lot, when he was non verbal and becoming distressed. He became "that kid" that all the parents talked about and it was horrific. Maybe it helps that I've been on both sides of the situation, the wee boy in DDs nursery was lovely and couldn't help his actions, and his mum was doing her best to teach him not to pull hair. What I mean is that this thread seems to have drawn the battle lines, with it becoming a "them and us" type situation, which isn't fair and isn't right for any child, whether they have SEN or not. Every child has the right to be included in society, in mainstream schooling (if that is what is best for them), and in life in general. The only thing that having SEN changes is what support and strategies are needed in order to facilitate that.

[monkeymamma]

Reading this almost in tears at all the boys and girls who've not been invited to parties. Feel like having an amazing party THIS AFTERNOON and inviting them all and giving them all a completely brilliant time. You model for your kids the world you want them to create when they grow up, OP.

[Buck3t]

Myredose I am glad it made you laugh, be very grateful that you don't have the pain of watching your child be left out of normal social interaction because they are different. The 'overreactions' are often coming from a place of huge pain.

And in my opinion, many people have projected their personal pain onto this situation. You do not know my situation but for the record, watching your child being excluded or hurt over anything, for any reason whether you have a child with SN or not hurts the parent, as a parent all we want to do is protect them. But the reality is we won't be able to always do so.

B