Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

[Eatcakeandbreathe]

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

[YuckYuckEwwww]

Half the class is fair. Besides who needs to know about it? Send the invites out discreetly and explain to DS that not everyone could be invited and so don't crow about it


I thought this was MUMSnet, either some posters have never met school children?
Or is it just inconvenient to ever have to consider other people's feelings so you'ld rather just deny that they exist!

Kids know when they're left out of something in a group
And it hurts them
And posters are saying it won't ???? I don't get it

[RoseGoldHippie]

One thing I would say is if you decided to invite all make sure it isn't a "my mum made me invite you" kind of thing because I would argue that could be just as hurtful

[mymatemax]

If you have set a limit then surely he just gets to pick to 13 or 14 children he would like to invite.
As long as you are instilling the right inclusive & non judgemental values in him I am sure he will select his friends regardless of SN, colour, or any other discriminatory factors.
Both of my ds's have been left out on occasions if they have been aware I've just explained that you can't always be invited to everything. It's just not possible. One of my sons has autism & cerebral palsy. When he hasn't been invited I haven't automatically assumed it's because he has SN, it may just be because they are not particularly good friends, don't know eeach other very well or maybe they've had a fall out. Next week they may be best mates.
Can't really see what the big deal is, unless of course parents make it a big deal

[YuckYuckEwwww]

Both of my ds's have been left out on occasions if they have been aware I've just explained that you can't always be invited to everything. It's just not possible

That explaination is only gonna work when there others in the group aren't getting invited too, doesn't work so when when pretty much everyone else is invited.

It also doesn't work if you say it to a kid who isn't being invited to other parties either. "you can't be invited to everything" doesn't ring true if they're invited to nothing. Which is hard enough to deal with with ordinary parties, but it's just fucking shite with parties that only exclude a few - that really puts a highlight on it

[Mindfields]

I can see both sides.

At the same age my son wanted to invite all but 2 from his class. The 2 he didn't want to invite were spiteful little gits (no SEN) and I could understand why he didn't want them there.

As an adult I felt this was unfair. I told him it was whole class or nothing (i.e. no party). He chose nothing, and didn't regret it at all.

[mymatemax]

Tbh once it got to the stage were children select who they want rather than inviting the entire class ds2 has been invited to perhaps one or two parties (he is 13 now). If ever either have commented to me that x is having a party but they haven't been invited my standard response is "oh well, never mind" maybe I'm heartless but I just can't get worked up about it & my kids don't seem to be any worse off.
I always had class parties until they got to an age where they could select just a few friends and we'd go out and celebrate as a smaller group.

[Boysnme]

If you were to increase your numbers by 3 would he chose to invite these kids or 3 other friends? From experience people don't reply, forget or just can't make it so by inviting 19 you'll probably only end up with 16. I completely understand why he doesn't want kids there who he's not friends with but when it's leaving 3 out of a year group (appreciate not class) you should help him understand why that will be upsetting for the kids left out.

[Crunchymum]

And this is why my kids aren't having patries until they are 18!!

Gatherings are where it is at.

Seriously..... invite the extra 3 or slash the numbers.... and teach your child some freaking manners.

[YuckYuckEwwww]

At the same age my son wanted to invite all but 2 from his class. The 2 he didn't want to invite were spiteful little gits (no SEN) and I could understand why he didn't want them there.

As an adult I felt this was unfair. I told him it was whole class or nothing (i.e. no party). He chose nothing, and didn't regret it at all.

Why all or nothing? why not half or less, or all, or nothing?

Totally fair to not want everyone, I wouldn't wanna socialise with every single person from my work, but even as fucking adults in a work place you either hang out in small groups outside work or you invite everyone (or you avoid socialising with work people completely ), you wouldn't invite everyone in a big team except three!!!!

That'ld be mean in an adult group I can't believe people are still okaying it for children!

[Crunchymum]

• parties.... I meant parties!!!

[ocelot7]

Sandy I can well understand that yr daughter wouldn't want to go to that girls party but the attitude still needs to be challenged - with adults taking a lead on that.

[Ladybirdbookworm]

I remember when my daughter was left out of a party because of a limit in numbers and it's so hurtful - I'm sure she's forgotten now she's 22 but I haven't !!!!!

[SandyY2K]

Peach

Great post.

And that's coming from someone who has worked in a school with SEN children, including one with downs who would target specific children for their reaction at times and others who still rubbed certain children up the wrong way.

I remember a disabled boy in my class. He would be horrible to some people, knowing they wouldn't respond because he was in a wheelchair. They didn't want to get accused of being mean to him, yet he was really nasty to them.

In my DDs school, they said party invites had to be given outside of school because it caused such a hassle. It's insensitive to hand out the invites in the playground.

In some cases, it's the naughty kids that others don't want at their parties. So about 3/4 boys in my DCs year were often not invited.

Even when these boys had parties, lots of other kids didn't want to go because they weren't that nice, yet their mums never addressed their bad behaviour and would say "their typical boys." Or that kind of thing.

I'm getting a sense of invite a child because they are SEN. Your child should want them there because they want them, not just because they're SEN.

There's nothing worse than seeing any child at a party be ignored by the others, because they weren't really wanted in the first place (and the parent insisted they were invited) or because not many other kids get along with them.

My DD had a big fall out with her group of friends, trying to be nice to the new girl. Who really wasn't nice at all and had been horrible to her other friends, but having been a new girl myself, I encouraged her to play with her and I regretted it, after she got abandoned by her friends because of the new girl.

[roasted]

It's wrong to exclude someone because they're disabled. It's also wrong to include someone because they're disabled. See the person beyond the disability. Just as SEN kids can be absolutely lovely, they can be bullies as much as anyone else.

If the OP's son feels like the SEN classmate is being mean to him, no, he shouldn't have to invite him. But the OP should make sure she's satisfied that's the absolute truth. She knows her child best - she should be able to pick up on whether he feels genuinely aggrieved or he's making something up to justify not inviting this other child.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Disablist is a word. Leaving out three is unkind.

Some children never get invited to any parties. Probably the three you're leaving out

[Mindfields]

Why all or nothing? why not half or less, or all, or nothing?

Because he got on well with the other children and wanted them at his party (small class). It was just those 2 he didn't want. Telling him to have a smaller number would mean choosing between his actual friends and upsetting people he genuinely liked. That would have been worse that upsetting the 2 he didn't like and didn't want at his party.

All = nobody left out. Nothing = also nobody left out.

[BrainPrions]

Having been on both sides of being the only one excluded from a party, and being forced to invite a girl I hated, they both suck. That said, I would do an all or none approach, then make sure you supervise the party and keep an arsenal of tricks in case one of the kids start being a pain in the ass so the party is enjoyable for everyone.

Everyone here saying it's not a big deal are the same people lending support to a person who was being excluded at work and calling it bullying.

You can't single out kids and exclude them. Part of being a parent is teaching your kid not to be a jerk.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Sandy - a child isn't SEN, they have it. Like they have black hair or green eyes.

You either invite a small group or all. Not all except a small number. And I find it astonishing that you're absolutely okay with a child only wanting white children invited to their party. I think that's abhorrent and I'm white.

[LyndaNotLinda]

Sandy - please tell me how I can magic my son out of mainstream education? I don't especially want him there but I'm damned if I can find a way to get him out.

[SandyY2K]

I find it astonishing that you're absolutely okay with a child only wanting white children invited to their party. I think that's abhorrent and I'm white.

When I say ok .... I accept it. I'm not going to make a fuss about it. I will never have my children where they're not wanted because of their skin colour or any other reason. A couple of us black mums heard it from our DDs and just shook our heads.

This same mum told her DD that only girls with blonde hair and blue eyes were pretty. I don't need to even talk to waste my time talking to such people, because it would be pointless. I told my DD it was nonsense of course and every little girl is pretty to their mum.

Some things aren't okay ... but the child and her mum can invite whoever they want to their party.
You don't get to tell others who to invite.

[UnderTheF1oorboards]

Whatever you decide about this party, can I offer an insight which may improve your son's understanding of, and relationship with, his classmate with Downs?

Children with Downs have very high emotional intelligence and they are drawn to anything that produces a reaction. This is true for negative reactions to an extent as well as positive ones. The classmate is probably not calling your son a baby to spite him but because he gets a buzz (for want of a better word) out of whatever reaction (and I don't mean retaliation) your son gives. However the child with Downs probably doesn't have the insight to understand the cumulative effect that his behaviour has on your son's view of him.

If your son, his peers and the adults in the classroom can calmly ignore the child with Downs when he calls your son a baby, and carry on as though it hadn't happened it will almost certainly stop. That's a big ask of even an NT six-year-old, I know, but maybe with your help your son could take the lead in understanding and including his classmate to bring out the best in them both. Whether or not that starts with the party is up to you.

[SandyY2K]

Lynda

I'm only saying what teachers and my friend told me in relationto their experiences.

I imagine it depends on where you live, the nature/severity of the learning disability, the availability of other suitable special schools and the impact on other students learning.

[paxillin]

Leaving out 3 isn't great. Leaving out the 2 new ones and the disabled child looks a bit hard hearted. Not from your ds, he's 6. But I would wonder why you and your ds's dad thought this might be a good thing to do.

The comment of YetAnotherHelenMumsnet you wondered about is surely an attempt to prevent troll hunting. I imagine there were hundreds of reports about this thread, it is such a classic for somebody who wants to goad. Sadly it appears to be real.