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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

349 replies

Eatcakeandbreathe · 12/10/2016 20:48

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 12/10/2016 21:59

We had a mixed age class due to it being a small school too. It was non negotiable, either parties were the whole boiling lot of them - including the infuriating ones - or just 2 or 3 - the numbers that would fit in a car load.

OP you've done a bit of special pleading up thread, but the fact is that a very large proportion of the class are invited and that's more than enough to cause upset to the proportion who haven't been.

Msqueen33 · 12/10/2016 21:59

I'm sure some people in my dd's class (she's six and has autism) say she can be a nightmare and difficult. She's bitten other kids, pulled them out of seats in the lunch hall. But she's not a bad kid at all. Other kids accept her and really like so we've not had the no party invites though i would be devastated if someone had pretty much a class party and she wasn't invited. Children like my dd need opportunities to socialise as they also have a lot to offer. If it was a big amount of kids you weren't inviting I'd say fair enough but to not have three from his year coming seems quite mean.

Original poster
Eatcakeandbreathe · 12/10/2016 22:00

I'm well aware that it would be discriminatory to leave out a child just because they are different. DS's best friend (who will be invited) is on the autistic spectrum, so DS is not discriminating on 'difference', but on who he gets on with. The boy with SEN has lots of other friends, he's actually a year older, and the reason DS doesn't want to invite him is that he's unkind to DS, they don't play together. Same for the other 2 boys, they aren't new new, they started at some point in year 1, when 2 spaces became available because 2 of DSs very good friends left.

With such a small year group it's hard to reduce numbers without one of his long term friends (since year R) then feeling left out...He originally asked for 5 boys, 3 girls from his year group, but there are only 4 girls in the year, so how would the 4th one feel (who he has been friends with since year R) and how would the other 2 boys he's known since year R feel?!)

I am regretting posting - it seems as though some Mumsnetters are really just out to be vipers. I've read similar posts in the past which have had more balanced replies.

Yetanother Helen - what on earth does your post mean?!

To all of you please read my original post - I am of the opinion it would be unfair to leave out 3 from his year group. Yes it seems that everyone else agrees, but at the same time some of you have turned this into a witch hunt. I will certainly either be reducing the numbers or encouraging DS to invite all.

All I can say is no wonder Mumsnet has such a bad reputation!

Thank you to those of you who gave reasoned responses without resorting to personal insults and accusations of me lacking empathy and being 'disablist' - not even a word btw - discriminating against a child with a disability would be grammatically correct, but not actually correct. (Please again refer to my original reason for posting)

OP posts:
FoundNeverland · 12/10/2016 22:01

Ihatched - the child has Down's! He is going to find it very hard his whole life to be included in society. Apparently he calls the OP's son names but what are the chances he isn't called equally hurtful names himself? Do you think this is going to help him to integrate? What do you think he is going to do at the party?

Seriously, we all need to be a kinder and I think inviting a 6 year old to a party is a good start.

As in an earlier post, I invited the whole of my daughter's Reception class to her birthday party. Even the notorious bully because they were only babies. If we vacant include children at this age when can we? Or do we not and allow certain children to be forgotten and marginalised through the their lives? What kind of adults will they become?

Original poster
Eatcakeandbreathe · 12/10/2016 22:02

MsQueen - see original thread, whole class is 28 kids, invites to 16, so not whole class barr 3...

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/10/2016 22:02

Found

Are you deliberately misunderstanding me or just being antagonistic?

I'm saying the only reason I would not invite the SEN child, is that he was mean to my child.

On what universe would anyone want their child upset in their own party FGS.

The mind boggled.

FoundNeverland · 12/10/2016 22:03
  • vacant should be don't
SirChenjin · 12/10/2016 22:03

I agree - some of the appalling attitudes to children with disabilities have not reflected well on MN, have they?

Glad to see you are reconsidering your approach OP - what your son was suggesting was no at all nice, but he's young and needs guidance.

SandyY2K · 12/10/2016 22:05

All I can say is no wonder Mumsnet has such a bad reputation!

I agree.

SuckingEggs · 12/10/2016 22:05

I think you need to invite half or all (or a few). No nearly-all.

DinosaursRoar · 12/10/2016 22:07

So 28 in the class, 14 from the class invited and 2 from elsewhere? That seems fine for me. It's not like he's inviting 25 of 28, it's half the class. I tend to think half the class is fine, the mixed year group is complicating matters, but unless they are treated as 2 classes sharing a room, then it shouldn't be obvious.

SirChenjin · 12/10/2016 22:07

Absolutely Sandy - some posts about disabled children have been dreadful, haven't they. So narrow minded and unfeeling.

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 22:08

But a class of kids is just that isn't it? A class. They will see themselves as one group, not divided into Year 1 and Year 2. Half the class is invited. I don't see a massive problem, although I prefer whole class invites myself.

I don't see much reason for the flaming Op. I think going into detail about the kids was not needed. He could invite X number, so chose that number of friends. The problem really is the number. I would do all or small, but that is upto you x

SuckingEggs · 12/10/2016 22:09

Fwiw, I wouldn't invite someone because they have a disability. Isn't that massively patronising? That said, I would never exclude someone for being disabled. It's best to get on with people, not labels.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2016 22:10

Disablist is a word actually.

SirChenjin · 12/10/2016 22:10

It depends - DS was in a composite class and they certainly saw themselves as 2 separate groups.

YuckYuckEwwww · 12/10/2016 22:10

If he doesn't want to invite the kid with SEN, fine! You don't have to have people you really don't want at your party, BUT! then if he was one of my kids I'ld say okay, in that case you can only invite 7 people from yr 2

If you want to be selective, you can invite up to half your class
If you want to invite more than half, you invite everyone!

That is my firm rule

I never ever tell them the have to invite all of their class - imagine how awful for example it would be to have to invite your bully, but if they chose selectiveness, they have to do half or less

Anything else is fucking mean I can't believe you're contemplating allowing this OP

FoundNeverland · 12/10/2016 22:11

The child with Down's - so far all we know is that called the OP's son a baby. Really is that enough to exclude a 6 year old child?

What names do you think that child has been called? I'm saying that's it is better to teach your child that some people are different and to be the bigger person rather than it is acceptable to exclude a small child with disabilities.

Again, I've just got a very different philosophy. I invited all to my daughter's party. Even those who had been mean to her, including name calling. I think it teaches a good lesson.

You clearly think it is fine to exclude a child with SEN who will find himself excluded and ignored his whole life. Again, what a horrible society we live in. I feel so sorry for any parent reading this whose child has SEN.

hazeyjane · 12/10/2016 22:12

I am failing to see why you posted your original question?

And disabilist has become an accepted term. See the Anti Bullying Alliance pamphlet, 'Tackling Disabilist language based bullying in schools:A teachers guide'

monkeywithacowface · 12/10/2016 22:12

Disabilist is in the oxford dictionary so I would say that makes it a word but even it weren't resulting to grammar insults is a sign you're losing the argument Wink

RoseGoldHippie · 12/10/2016 22:12

I think dinosaurs raises a good point, are the classes split within the room into 2 classes? I am assuming so as this seemed an important part of the original post.

I do feel sorry for the other 3 though and other people who have had the similar thing happen. I think you need to put yourself in the shoes of the other parents in this situation and think how you would feel.

mycatwantstokillme1 · 12/10/2016 22:13

OP you said nothing in your OP about the child with SEN being horrible to your DS< it seems convnient you've only just mentioned now pretty much eveyone has told you YABU.

As the mother of a prem baby who had learning delay and then diagnosed with aspergers, I can tell you how sad you feel when other kids are going round to each others houses after school for tea, when they play together in the playground, and as for the parties. Well that's another level of sadness and isolation. And as a parent that's hard, and it's really really shitty for the child as well.

As for the 2 kids that are new so he doesn't know them well, well what better way to get to know them than by inviting them to his party? If you were the parent of one of these 3 being the only ones left out, your post would be very different.

I doubt you will find my reply as 'reasoned' as some of the others, but seriously, you don't know the willpower I had to find to make this as measured as it is.

YuckYuckEwwww · 12/10/2016 22:14

Oh and my rule applies to any social groups: extra curricular groups etc

So would apply to mixed year classes, I'ld have that rule for each group: All or less than half from yr2 AND all or less than half from year 1

If a whole class party is off the cards then it would have to be half or less from each group.

stitchglitched · 12/10/2016 22:14

Yes it is an adjective and derivative of the word disablism. Both are in the dictionary. It is an important word for addressing the discrimination many face, why would anyone want to discredit it.

DotForShort · 12/10/2016 22:14

Excluding a small group of children is just wrong. My brother was never invited to a birthday party at primary school. Never. Is it a coincidence that he is also on the autism spectrum? Coincidence my hind foot. I had thought that we were living in more enlightened times. But apparently not.

I would not leave out three children. I just couldn't do that.