Another kids party thread - AIBU to let son NOT invite only 3 of the children in his year?

[Eatcakeandbreathe]

DS is at a small school, and has 2 year groups per class, so his class is made up of year 1 and year 2. Party will be at home, so I've set a limit of 16 children, and he wants to invite 11 from year 2 (there are 14 of them), 3 from year 1 (there are about 11 in year 1) and 2 from out of school.

I am worried that the 3 from his year will feel left out, although they won't be the only ones in the class not invited. I don't know whether I should persuade him to invite them. I had a chat with him about it, and he said he wouldn't be disappointed if he didn't get invited to their party, he isn't really friends with them. 2 are fairly new to the school, they started mid school year last year, and the other has SEN (DS says he can come if his Mum comes too, but then that would leave just 2 left out!).

DS did say "it's my party, I should be able to ask who I want" - it's not a whole class party, and I don't want to force him to have children he really doesn't like there, but it's such a small year group....

[GU24Mum]

I wouldn't let mine leave out only a small number. I've got a rough rule of either invite half the class plus you or invite everyone. My son wants to have a party and doesn't want to invite just one or two and I've definitely told him he either chooses only a few or has to have everyone.

[Muscatqueen]

My child was one of the kids not invited to a party..... it was heartbreaking when she came home and told me everyone was going to a party except her. Pictures posted the following day in Facebook

I wanted to hunt the mum down and kill her..... I still do....

[mycatwantstokillme1]

FoundNeverland, just read your last post, thanks for understanding. It is one of the most painful emotions I've had, watching my son being left out of social things as if he doesn't exist and isn't important. ALl because he has a stammer and aspergers. It hurts me but I know it hurts him more and I hate it.

I wish people really thought that sometimes they can cause unhappiness and pain to people by what they don't do, not just what they do.

[cunningartificer]

This is weird. A mixed year group means half the class are invited, half not... actually good he's not just going on who is technically in his year but who he is friends with. Parties that include everyone as the rule that must be obeyed mean few will be able to host the massive parties necessary so as not to offend anyone. OP, it is ok not to invite everyone; someone will have to be the first to do so. The comments about being 'disablist' (yes, not a word) are really over the top. I hope your son enjoys his birthday.

[Bluebolt]

The great education inclusion, it's never really going to work. I remember DS2 toddler invites ceasing by the same people who plaster their facebook page with Autism ribbons. He is now 10 non verbal, still in nappies and in a special school so has probably had more invites than this lad.

[Ohyesiam]

How would they know? I don't think in year 2 it's that widely discussed. Kids are busy at school, really busy, there ll be a few who show off about going, but no easy will the the end up thinking we're the only 3 not going.

[FoundNeverland]

MuscatQueen - so heartbreaking. It really is and I'm sure that this poor child will be excluded from so many parties in his life.

I hope your daughter is OK now. Why can't people just be kind?

[KC225]

Invite the 3 as invariably someone will be busy, ill or forget, especially as the kids are new - have a bit of compassion

[FoundNeverland]

From the Oxford English Dictionary:

Discriminating or prejudiced against people who are disabled.
‘we are in danger of becoming a disablist society’

[YuckYuckEwwww]

Parties that include everyone as the rule that must be obeyed mean few will be able to host the massive parties necessary so as not to offend anyone

Bollocks, it's not restrictive to say either have a small or half class party OR whole class party, just not a nearly whole class party except for X,Y&Z who will be left out

• that still allows for a full spectrum of party sizes and types
  

bollocks

fucking bollocks

how are people so mean?

[DotForShort]

Interesting to note which posters insist that "disablist" is not a word. Actually, it is. As people with experience of disability discrimination know very well.

[YuckYuckEwwww]

How would they know? I don't think in year 2 it's that widely discussed. Kids are busy at school, really busy, there ll be a few who show off about going, but no easy will the the end up thinking we're the only 3 not going

They know
And it hurts

[crashdoll]

YABU. How mean. They are six years old. The child is not systematically terrorising or torturing your son, he's probably just in need of some support with his social skills. It's not usual in kids of these age anyway.

[FoundNeverland]

Well Peach you are a peach aren't you?

To think that someone who has worked closely with SEN children is advocating this exclusion. Again, I despair.

Well as long as the birthday boy has a fabulous day that's all that counts surely? No need to teach a 6 year old about including new people or those who are disabled. I hate to think what some children are being taught - exclusion and discrimation. Lovely.

[misson]

Mixed year classes do complicate things. Trust me though, they will know exactly what year group people are in. They will also realise that three children from your child's year have been left out. 6 year olds are hyper aware of who and who doesn't get an invite.

I'm sorry you feel you've had a hard time. I have seen other birthday party threads before but this one really took the biscuit. The strength of the response to this thread is quite telling.

[Msqueen33]

How are the classes split? Are they in one big room? Or distinctly two classes? If it's clearly two classes then three being excluded seems unkind. I'm not saying children with disabilities are all angels but they do have a lot more to contend with. My dd is amazing and fun but I can see how people would see a snap shot or hear something from there six year old and then think she's not very nice.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

OP. Its fine. Your DS can invite who he wants to his party. Half the class is fair. Besides who needs to know about it? Send the invites out discreetly and explain to DS that not everyone could be invited and so don't crow about it.

In DS2's yr 2 class there are loads of parties. I have no idea who goes to which and neither do I care

[SandyY2K]

And Sandy learned attitudes like that of the girl in yr DDs class do need to be challenged.

You know what .... I thought about it and decided. ..it's her party. She can invite who she wants and if she only wanted white people at her party so be it. Why would I want my child where she wasn't wanted anyway. I know it came from her mum, but a party is a private affair. It's not my place to challenge the child or her mother.

Funny thing is this girl had a brother in my other DCs year and my DC was invited to his party. Very odd.

It really is about who your DC gets on with though, because my DD got on well the SEN (Autistic) girl in her class. And the girls mum said my DD had a calming effect on her DD and wanted her around my DD quite a bit. Other kids would bring out the worse in her and she became a real terror.

[cunningartificer]

Yuckyuck, if you read the post you will see it is not a whole class party minus three, it is half the class.

[GreatFuckability]

my child would be told that either all the class gets invited or none. being his/her birthday is not an excuse to be mean and exclude people. if you can fit 16 people, you can fit 3 more.

[FoundNeverland]

Cunningartificer - it's semantics. Although the class is mixed they will know very clearly who is in Yr1 and whose is in Yr2. They will now they are the only 3 from the year group not included.

[NoFuchsGiven]

My ds has just stared a new school this term in y6, the school has 40 pupils, 2 classes, ks1 and ks2.

If he was having a party it would be all of ks1 invited, all of the school or a handful of friends, there is no way he would leave anyone out and tbh I don't think he would even suggest it as I have brought him up to not treat people differently or to discriminate.

Op, it says a lot about you as a parent if you even have to think about asking here if you are being unreasonable.

[YuckYuckEwwww]

Yuckyuck, if you read the post you will see it is not a whole class party minus three, it is half the class

It's a whole group minus 3!

In my house they could either be picky and have who they want up to 7 kids from yr2 plus 6 from yr1 (max 13 if they wanted to be chosey or if I put a cap on it budget wise) OR 14 from yr2 and 11 from yr1

The kids'll know that all in yr2 but 3 are going. Even if they share a class with yr1. They'll still know and it'll still hurt the 3

[MistresssIggi]

Entirely arbitrary size limit to party. Let's assume not everyone invited will come, where is the harm in asking 19. I think you either have a dc who is left out from parties, sleepovers etc and you "get it", or you don't. Though some people manage to have empathy for others in different situations of course.