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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask a very personal question?

416 replies

Mrsemcgregor · 12/10/2016 16:36

I am talking pubic hair. What does everyone do with it? I hate mine (especially as I get older it's getting wilder!) but what I hate more is bumpy itchy red skin whenever I try to tackle it. However I seem to be under the impression that most women are smooth and basically hairless down there and I must seem like some sort of cave woman or 70s porn star in comparison.

My husband hasn't mentioned that he minds at all...but maybe he does?

And if everyone is hairless and neat down there please please tell me how to do it without hideous rashes!!!

OP posts:
HappyAxolotl · 13/10/2016 00:43

I don't get the hygiene argument for hair removal because I find when I go bare it feels sweaty down there. Obviously having hair absorbs the sweat so I'm not conscious of it, but it is still there whether I have hair or not. And washing a couple of times a day deals with it, same time as I do my feet, face and pits which also need more than just a daily shower and also get dirty regardless of socks, makeup or underarm hair.

An argument I can understand is that being bare can increase sensitivity and improve sex, unfortunately (TMI!) I found it way too sensitive all of the time which gets annoying very quickly. But obviously those who prefer all hair off don't have this problem or get used to it.

So I get it that personal comfort is a big factor. It is awful if women and girls are being pressurised to remove hair when they don't want to, but what can any of us do about that? Apart from, I suppose, keep drumming in the message that porn isn't reality and boys/men that pressurise you to change for their whims aren't worth keeping anyway.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/10/2016 09:12

I've been giving this some thought and I've come to the conclusion that it's only a woman's pubic hair, breasts, vulva that ever come into the firing line here. I say this because:

  1. If we follow the 'au naturel' route then we'd be sporting hugely long fingernails and untouched hair on our heads. We'd do no more than keep from tripping on it and giving it a brush out every now and again.
  1. If we follow the 'don't do it for anybody but you' line then we'd be hard-pushed to make a distinction between pubic hair removal for our partner's pleasure - and getting a suntan, wearing fragrance, bothering with make-up or any clothing/footwear that wouldn't be strictly functional (no heels, no fripperies, no jewellery).
  1. We wouldn't follow the line either that a partner has the right to not find us attractive if we put on too much weight. Ostensibly the 'it's for health' line is trotted out but when it comes to it, weight gains reported here are minor therefore not a health issue per se - so it comes down to pure aesthetics and we DO follow a line that says that of course we want our partners to be attractive to us. So we DO actually do primp for people other than ourselves and it's a fallacy to say that we don't.

.
So with all that, why then is pubic hair removal such a volatile subject and why are women so damn interested in other women's sex parts and what they do with them? The societal pressure is all around, for all children and adults in all of the points above and it's not even discrete, it's present always in everything but none of it seems to attract as much disparaging or judgement as hair removal does. Why?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 13/10/2016 09:37

Mine's a full on 70s bush, occasionally trim the stragglers if I'm going on holiday but did feel a little bit embarrassed that I hadn't thought to do it when going for a lymph massage yesterday and the lady had to massage my groin.

Funnily enough I do shave armpits and legs when I can be bothered and have even bought an IPL hair remover for my pits and stray facial hairs. I want to conform to the hairless expectation everywhere except my bush and I'm not sure why.

Maybe if I had a flat toned stomach it might be better, but with my post DC overhang I think it just looks very odd to be bald down there.

I like my pubes, they're glossy and luxuriant, when they're trimmed they lose the shine and look a bit scruffy, so I'm keeping them. DP doesn't seem to mind either way although I suspect his exes were more of the bare/barely there brigade. He did find it a bit of a shock at first when I warned him to be prepared but he's never been anything other than lovely about it.

I find I feel more sweaty without hair and I hate hate hate the itchy regrowth however it is removed.

My DD is just starting to get her first hairs at 9 and I do worry about how she is going to manage with the pressure to conform. I keep telling her it's all perfectly natural and nothing to worry about, but it won't be long before she is feeling like the odd one out Sad

RiverTam · 13/10/2016 09:48

I don't agree with point one because there are very practical reasons for cutting your fingernails and hair, though of course hair styles and nails are subject to fashion whims - they are on show. I don't think the comparison with body hair stands up at all.

I'm not sure I really understand the point you're making in point two - do people get suntans for their partner? Personally I think all of those things should be done for yourself, though equally they are also subject to the whims of fashion - I was a deadly pale teen when deep suntans were the thing and yes, I was ribbed for that.

Other people have the right to say what they do and don't find attractive - and we have the right to take as much or as little notice of that as we choose.

From your previous post, I find your description of a self conscious teen not following the crowd because they knew they'd never fit it a little unbelievable. I think you've got to have a lot of self esteem and confidence to shrug your shoulders, think 'I'll never fit in so why bother' and go your own way. Absolute hats off to those teens who can and do do that.

Anything to do with the effect porn is having on our children is surely to be debated, and yes, I do still think that porn is the driver behind so many young people removing all their hair, just as it seems to be the driver behind a lot of other pretty unpleasant things our teens have to navigate. Poor mental health among girls is at a record high. The number of girls seeking to transition is also through the roof. Puberty for girls has always been pretty crap but what with social media, porn available on everyone's phone, everything one does being so bloody public - bad times.

Back in the day you might be judged on your hair style or clothes. Back then, whatever you did with your pubes was your business alone, quite rightly. Now young women are being judged on their pubic hair, something that should be kept totally personal.

I make no judgement on any woman choosing the remove their body hair, even if I don't think their reasoning always entirely stands up - none of my business. I question how many younger women especially are making a truly free choice to do that, and I very much judge what might be driving that. I question and judge that in exactly the same way I question and judge other societal pressures that force young people to go against what they really want to do or be.

And I certainly don't pretend that it isn't happening. I think that perhaps older women who have done this for years, outside of the influence of porn, are probably feeling rather judged and attacked, but the fact that some people can't separate their own individual choices from an examination of a change of behaviour for women as a whole shouldn't stop us from asking awkward questions.

It's an interesting debate and I've enjoyed reading your posts. I have certainly changed my stance on this from when I first read threads about it a few years back.

Sancia · 13/10/2016 10:29

IPL on the edges but no, I will not 'whip it all off'. DH not a fan of the pre-pubescent look either.

Debbiedoradooo · 13/10/2016 11:27

In salon with hot wax with an experienced therapist

Kel1234 · 13/10/2016 12:13

I would never shave down there due to feeling pressured to do so. I do it because I prefer it and it feels better

Branleuse · 13/10/2016 12:21

I used to shave it all off but it is too much maintenance, gave me a rash and only felt nice for one day. Now I just shave the undercarriage and the sides

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/10/2016 15:48

There must be someone out there who is shaved because they feel shaved is expected?

Absolutely not. I get my wax regularly because it's an easier part of my routine (15 minutes in the salon) than deciding I want a swim then panicking with a razor over the bath.

Im match ready for a swimsuit, changing room etc. I don't have to think about it.

I'm not prepubescent because there's a 45 year old woman attached to the vagina. It's a hit hard to lose sight of that. Hmm

minipie · 13/10/2016 15:56

There must be someone out there who is shaved because they feel shaved is expected?

I'm sure there is but nobody will admit it (even to themselves, perhaps).

It's a bit like changing name on marriage. You never get anyone who admits they did it "because everyone/my DH expected me to". It's always "because I didn't want to have issues on flights/at nursery" or "because I genuinely preferred his name".

I also wonder - of all these people who say "I do it because I prefer the way it feels" - fine, but why did you try it in the first place? Because at that point you didn't know how it felt...

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/10/2016 16:18

I also wonder - of all these people who say "I do it because I prefer the way it feels" - fine, but why did you try it in the first place? Because at that point you didn't know how it felt...

I tried it because I got sick of trying to trim them myself, like I mentioned, whenever I need to be in the situation where my bikini line was on show. At the time I was a competitive swimmer, so it was a pain to do diy all the time.

I was recommended waxing and after just having the sides done I saw that it didn't cost much more to be rid of the lot. So I tried it, was happy with the results and continued.

My DP discovered I was waxed after we were first intimate. Never had any pressure from any men in my lifetime to be waxed.

Seems like we are answering the questions. But the replies are either sticking your fingers in your ears or straw man retaliations.

minipie · 13/10/2016 16:22

after just having the sides done I saw that it didn't cost much more to be rid of the lot. So I tried it

Yes but why did you try it? Just because it didn't cost much more isn't a reason to try something - I mean it wouldn't cost me much more to have my hair dyed purple at the hairdresser but I don't want purple hair so I don't try it...

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/10/2016 16:59

Because I thought it'd be easier to just take off the lot rather than maintain any sort of shape, which still can show in your swimsuit.

Because I thought what the hell.

Because I was curious to do it.

Because I have free will and was able to choose.

And I get my hair dyed at the salon too. Because I felt like it once after ruining the bathroom with hair dye, and various towels and making a mess of it generally.

Crystal15 · 13/10/2016 17:02

I shave all mine off once or twice a week. I can't stand the feel of hairs! Then I get irritated by regrowth!

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 13/10/2016 17:08

I do nothing normally.

Recently had a planned Caesarian though, so trimmed it (and shaved top for incision). Looked much better after a trim!

SansasEscape · 13/10/2016 17:26

I dyed my pubes pink once. That was great.

Jaspall · 13/10/2016 17:41

My wife and I both shave ours off

oldgrandmama · 13/10/2016 17:44

I use a lawnmower! Grin. Sorry, but at age nearly 75, veteran of many strictly professional intimate encounters with physicians, surgeons, nurses ... I just trim the bush neatly with my nail scissors.

I did once, in my misspent middle age, shave the area and got the most horrendous eruption of big nasty spots. Looked like I'd got some STD and I hastened to the appropriate clinic (mustn't call it the 'Clap Clinic' these days) and was told it was .... a shaving rash.

Ravenesque · 13/10/2016 17:48

I give my garden a trim every now and then, but otherwise full muff all the way. I'm really not keen on baldness, but to each their own. I also find the Hitler 'tache look hilarious.

I don't like baldness in men either. I once dated a chap with totally naked bags of balls and it was really disconcerting.

AbernathysFringe · 13/10/2016 17:49

Buzz cut it. Take off sides if bikini. Veet round the lady bits (going against the product advice...)
Incidentally, I know several Swedish guys who have told me that they shave their balls (people tell me these things for some reason) and have encountered it once on a Dutch guy. Big improvement. Get on the case British guys.

loopygoose · 13/10/2016 17:57

I had laser to get rid of strays but only after my husband drew a line around the hair to be kept. He's horrified by the thought of me removing it all; he thinks that's what paedophiles would request ;)

chazf09 · 13/10/2016 17:58

Tbh I only shave when I can be bothered. I occasionally trim if its getting a bitty crazy

exaltedwombat · 13/10/2016 18:00

Man here. Please don't shave. Thank you.

dnwig · 13/10/2016 18:00

It's there for a reason. ...

Purplealienpuke · 13/10/2016 18:04

Having suffered with ingrowing hairs & sore bits I don't do anything. I'm not a hairy bird (5 hairs under each pit only) & don't have a partner to worry about so hairy legs too! Bit embarrassed at hospital having ecg the other week & the (female ) nurse had to stick the things to my very hairy legs! I will shave legs in the summer & take off the few stragglers under my arms if wearing sleeveless tops 😎