Sleepovers... Yes or No?

[Thetruthfairy]

This is more of a what do/would you do really...

My eldest dd is currently in Year 1. Last school year she was invited to two sleepovers at girls houses in her reception class. Just her and the friend would be there, not a birthday group thing iyswim. I really didn't expect these kinds of invites so soon and it really caught me off-guard. Both the mums sent me a text invite for dd, so dd didn't know about them. The end I politely declined the invitations. I just didn't feel comfortable allowing her to sleep at a friend's house whose parents I don't fully know. She was 4 at the time.
I text back to say that dd still woke up in the night with nightmares sometimes (true) and that she wasn't ready to sleep out. I then suggested that we take the girls to a playgym or something. Totally fine.
Now she is in Year 1 her and her friends seem very taken with the thought of having sleepovers. I'm still not comfortable with the thought of it though and if I'm honest, it has more to do with safeguarding issues than anything to do with dd. I don't feel I know any of the parents well enough yet, and I've never seen one of the girls dad. I thought she would at least be invited to a play date first!
I am protective and tend to mull over things. I've never thought I was over the top though...
I really don't want to be a kill joy but I don't know if I will feel happy about this until I get to know the parents better, if I ever do. I am fine about her sleeping out and close family friends houses btw.
So Aibu? And mums with older kids, have you allowed this and under what circumstances?

Last year in reception we very reluctantly allowed dd to go to her friends house for a sleepover.

Fast forward to 4.35 a.m and the phone ringing with the Dm of friend saying that my dd had woke up upset and wanted to go home.
We had her back home by 5 and said never again! Way too young and lesson learned.

I was sexually assaulted by my BF dad on a sleepover so this does give me a different view to some about them. OP, YANBU even though my situation is probably uncommon.

We have a 'not until yr 3' rule here. Plus I need to know the parents (not best friends but spoken to in playground on daily basis). We have one per child and youngest can have a friend for tea and dvd. He sometimes has a 'sleepover with the cats' downstairs. Now the girls are a bit older if one child is elsewhere for a sleepover then I will allow two per child but only if I know both children well and the friendship dynamic. I don't do groups or birthday sleepovers.

It's a big fat no from me unless I know the family well.

Comiconce - the estimated occurrence of paedophile is 1 in 100. Not all of those will be offending. There's a big difference between an offender and non offending paedophile.

I don't know how many primary school children there are, so I can't tell you what the risk statistic would be. It's very difficult to have any statistic because we are very sure so much goes unreported. Just look at the Saville case.

We are also seeing more and more late teenage boys having sexual feelings towards children. We think there's a correlation between the surge in online pornography and children having access to it. When a child first sees graphic sexual images, it seems to fix a point in their brains at which they become overtly sexually aware. It is the same reason that shows why so many abusers have been abused. The sexual behaviour has become normalised for them.

Please be clear that I am not saying that all abused people become abusers which is a common misconception.

Airtis, sadly it is all too common.

Polly, that's the healthy attitude I think. It's hard for me not to be cynical but I try to be realistic.

Duchess, every breathing moment is a risk if you put it like that. However we can do things where we are more or less at risk. Sexual abuse is so horribly damaging that I will do everything to protect my children from it.

My son is 28 he had sleepovers in year 1 but the mum was also his childminder..

Sleepovers are terrible...firstly they don't sleep...the trend is they stay up all night arsing about....my daughter's been to a few, each one has been a nightmare...first one she was seven, the Mum texted me at ten o clock to say she was just putting them in the bath ....another one, her friends older brother had them all doing slut drops, another one she had been out all over the village when I had presumed she was safe in friends house.....another one she was bullied all night, another one they had been watching rude videos on you tube. Another one she said the friends Dad came in from work at 3am and sat chatting to them.....Never again.....you learn that other parents don't have the same standards as you.

I see sleepovers as unnecessary and if i can minimise potential risks for my children then that's what I'll do.

It's not just abuse that I would be concerned about. They could be exposed to violence or inappropriate material.

Exactly mumzypopz!

Bloody Hell, Mumzypopz. Thanks for strengthening my resolve never to let my children go to sleepovers.

We've had zero here and I intend to keep it that way. I just politely decline.

What the hell is a slut drop!

Your children also run the risk of getting run over crossing the road .

God forbid, Abducted walking home from school..

4 generations of a family were sitting in their front room watching 'play your cards right' when the Lockerbie aeroplane parts smashed through their house and killed them ...

Are you really going to deny them the simple pleasure of camping with their mates in the garden, midnight feasting with their friends on a birthday , all because of a ridiculously small possibility of 'what if..'

Where does that end ? Will they be allowed to learn to drive ? Take a gap year abroad ? Go to a mixed sex party aged 16 where they could, if they chose, to have sex without your knowledge?

All those activities are incrementally more 'risky' than the chance of attack by a paedophile at a friends sleepover.
It's all risk and all balance . The moment things are 'banned' rather than supervised they become 100x more desirable and before you know it they are exhibiting behaviour far more concerning than the desire for a sleepover as a rebellion against what they regard as peculiar parental behaviour.

Sleepovers are 'a thing' with children from primary school onwards . There is no avoiding the fact. You may not like them but that it is so. If you can't find a moderate compromise you will become known as the 'wierd' parent , which may not concern you one jot but will mortify your children.

Birthday party invites will stop (as you don't do sleepovers they won't get invited) Friendship groups will start to leave your children out because the others are having sleepovers at weekends and in school holidays and your dcs will be out of the loop..

Not too bad now but really really important for secondary school age, where establishing friendship groups is everything.

And there is peer pressure in action Marilyn. Do it or your kids will be the wierd ones. I dont agree. My kids will have the freedom to explore when they are ready. They won't be ready until they are teens. Small children are vunerable and it is my job to use my judgement to keep them safe. I have no control over airplanes landing on our heads but I can ensure that my small children are not sent to a stranger's house just to keep in with the cool kids.

Bit of an over reaction there Marilyn.

I have 4 older DC all very well adjusted and plenty of people they mixed with don't like/do sleepovers for various reasons. Some were not even allowed over to people's houses. Certainly wouldn't judge parent exercising their choice as 'weird'. Everyone has to do what's right for their kids not follow the crowd against their instinct.

I allowed my girls sleepovers from about 7 but they were very mature and I knew the mums/families (small school/town). However my boys were 10 before they were invited which suited me. They had been to cub camp etc age 7. Boys often don't obsess over sleepovers thankfully so we have only had a few.