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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sleepovers... Yes or No?

140 replies

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 10:11

This is more of a what do/would you do really...

My eldest dd is currently in Year 1. Last school year she was invited to two sleepovers at girls houses in her reception class. Just her and the friend would be there, not a birthday group thing iyswim. I really didn't expect these kinds of invites so soon and it really caught me off-guard. Both the mums sent me a text invite for dd, so dd didn't know about them. The end I politely declined the invitations. I just didn't feel comfortable allowing her to sleep at a friend's house whose parents I don't fully know. She was 4 at the time.
I text back to say that dd still woke up in the night with nightmares sometimes (true) and that she wasn't ready to sleep out. I then suggested that we take the girls to a playgym or something. Totally fine.
Now she is in Year 1 her and her friends seem very taken with the thought of having sleepovers. I'm still not comfortable with the thought of it though and if I'm honest, it has more to do with safeguarding issues than anything to do with dd. I don't feel I know any of the parents well enough yet, and I've never seen one of the girls dad. I thought she would at least be invited to a play date first!
I am protective and tend to mull over things. I've never thought I was over the top though...
I really don't want to be a kill joy but I don't know if I will feel happy about this until I get to know the parents better, if I ever do. I am fine about her sleeping out and close family friends houses btw.
So Aibu? And mums with older kids, have you allowed this and under what circumstances?

OP posts:

kittykittykitty5 · 12/10/2016 15:53

My DD2 went to a sleepover when she was 9, almost 10 years old. She came back having stayed up all night watching episodes of Inbetweeners. I was livid as I don't believe that is suitable for nine year olds. The Mother insisted that it wasn't her fault as DD2 should have told her she was not allowed to watch it.

To me, that was not even the worst part. At 2am the 15 year old eldest brother had came home from a party roaring drunk/smoking weed and was throwing up in the garden. He then spent the entire night arguing with his Mother before passing out in the living room where the girls were supposed to sleep.

Didijustgetwinkpointshitcanned · 12/10/2016 15:56

I'm another for no sleepovers. They just seem so pointless.

NewStartNewName · 12/10/2016 15:58

We have dance offs, movie nights, play games etc. It's what you make it, if you think two 6 year olds are going to occupy themselves all the time without seeing daft then of course it's got potential to go wrong. But that's the parents fault not the kids

NewStartNewName · 12/10/2016 15:58

Being not seeing

Eolian · 12/10/2016 16:06

It depends. Dd is 11 and has had and been to quite a few sleepovers. But I know the girls and their parents well. The girls are sensible and well-behaved. Not remotely hellish. Yes, they stay awake quite late chatting, but that's it. I wouldn't want my dc at someone's house at all if there were drunk, drugged-up siblings or inappropriate stuff going on, sleepover or no sleepover.

I'm quite surprised at those of you saying you won't allow sleepovers until they are teenagers. I'd expect worse behaviour from teens on a sleepover than 9-11 year-olds!

NoNutsPlease · 12/10/2016 16:07

No way!

And I would assume that anyone that invited a 4yo they barely knew to sleep at their house had bad judgement, making me even more weary.

Not until much older. I would also want to visit their house, see how the parents interacted with each other and how they parented. So many people live chaotic lives, which they think are perfectly normal. I teach this age group though so my views are influenced my the families I work with.

Original poster

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 16:41

Thank you all.
I am feeling a lot better after reading your comments. I'm not such a meany mum after all. As some of you said, maybe around year 5/6 I would give it some serious thought but I really would have to have met both parents I think.

OP posts:

lessthanBeau · 12/10/2016 16:42

My dd7 only sleeps out at family and close friends houses, usually only when we need each others children babysitting. Actually we are having our first friend from school sleepover on Saturday, and I'm only doing that because dd stayed over with them after we'd all been on a day out together and I've also known the family for years and the little girl is a sweetheart. Under normal circumstances sleepovers at my house get a huge no from me, but I'm happy for dd to sleep over at friends as long as I know the parents, I just don't want to host them! oh and she regularly goes on sleepovers with her beaver group, does that count?

MyGiddyUncle · 12/10/2016 16:44

Ds1 went to his first sleepover at the end of last year (Year 3). I wouldn't have felt comfortable before that as I'm not great friends with his friends parents.

Ds2 is in Year 2 and has been asking to sleepover a friends...I know the mum very well, and i'd feel comfortable in him staying there...but there's no way atm because he's not 100% reliably dry at night and has at least one accident a week. I know that he'd be mortified if he wet the bed at his friends house.

Original poster

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 16:46

Nonutsplease. These were my exact thoughts too.

OP posts:

AlmaMartyr · 12/10/2016 16:47

DD has just been to her first one aged 8. DS (6) is keen but I wouldn't want to do it until about 8/9. Both of them have had sleepovers at grandma's house, and go to Beavers/Cubs sleepovers but those are more of an organised event. I run Beavers sleepovers but still nervous about hosting a sleepover here for DD!

jellymaker · 12/10/2016 16:53

Rule no 1 for parenting - always go with your gut!. There are just too many unknowns in this scenario. Rule no 2 - never allow yourself be swayed by what your children want.You are the adult and the one with the gut! (optional rule no 3 - don get too involved with people at the school gate - it always leads to trouble)

Original poster

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 17:07

Jelly maker, sensible words
After the first parent text I thought 'that parents a bit strange to suggest that' but when the second parent asked, well, I thought maybe this is something that most mum's agree to... I can see now it's not.

OP posts:

PrincessLuna · 12/10/2016 17:18

Both mine have been on sleepovers since year 1. I know parents well so think that makes a big difference. kids absolutely love it.

We tell them it's midnight at about 9pm so they have their "midnight feast" then and go to bed fine. In fact in some ways more easily than usual as rather than having me put them to bed they put themselves to bed with their friends!

They do get a bit tired so restrict to the holidays.

Stokey · 12/10/2016 17:21

We've done quite a few but mainly wth friends who were known since before our children were born. It's more of a childcare exchange really.

I've also done a couple wth nursery friends but again ones that both I and my children know well. I do think it would be odd as a first visit to someone else's house.

crispandcheesesanwichplease · 12/10/2016 17:25

No, no and no, way too young. I hate the culture of them anyway, kids just seem to stay up all night annoying the hosts and are then miserable and narky for days afterwards due to lack of sleep.

Not hosted one, not considering it for many years yet (DD is 12).

paxillin · 12/10/2016 17:27

We've done them since early year 1. The kids call them sleepovers. We call them free childcare and a night out if at other houses. We call them awake-overs and a right PITA if at ours. Kids love them.

Ebbenmeowgi · 12/10/2016 17:32

My niece has a sleepover at her nursery usually once a month (not in UK), she's 4 and loves it and it gives her parents a night off! To be fair, they know the nursery, staff and other parents really well, and it's v near their home.

ErgonomicallyUnsound · 12/10/2016 17:39

Depends on the child, and your views on it.

DD has a good friend who left the village, so from about Y4 had sleepovers with her each holidays, as a way of catching up. She's only expanded from this friend sleepover wise in the last year, since she's in Y6. For her birthday this year she had two other friends.

DS (13) is allowed one friend only after the debacle that was his 10th birthday party. 5 x 10 yo boys. Never, ever again!

Ijustneedaminute · 12/10/2016 17:42

I wouldn't let my DD go to a sleepover that young. I think I let her sleep over at a friends when she was 7 but I am also very friendly with their family and knew I could trust them. I don't think I would be happy DD going to a sleepover at a strangers house until she's around 12??! I don't care what other people think, I have to do what I feel comfortable with, if other parents don't mind then that is their choice but for me it's a no

Natsku · 12/10/2016 17:54

My 5 year old has been asking to invite daycare friends over for sleepovers but no parents are talking about it. She goes to regular sleepovers once a fortnight at FIL's who has a daughter a couple of years older but I wouldn't let her go to sleepovers anywhere else just yet as she gets scared at night. Maybe around 7/8.

ChickenSalad · 12/10/2016 17:55

DD2 camped in a neighbour's garden when she was four but her older sister was also there and the other kids were older. She did something similar at a friend's house recently but the mum was out there with them (brave lady). She is 7.5 now. She also slept over at my SILs from being about two and DN has stayed at ours from the same age, though that is slightly different.

I think DD1 was 8 before she did a sleepover but I was more worried about her being scared at night. It depends on the child really.

Ironmanrocks · 12/10/2016 18:50

Ooh I'm going to go against the grain....I hosted one for my boys 6th birthday. We had a day trip planned for the next day and needed an early start. 3 boys all keen to come, we had a fantastic time....but I know all families pretty well and we all do stuff together often, so I know parents of kids and they all know me and my family. My boy loves them and is desperate to do them more often! (Stems from staying over at grandmas a lot on his own when he was little and I had work commitments.) all I'm trying to say is that it depends on the child. They are all different especially at night!

Ironmanrocks · 12/10/2016 18:52

Saying that he hasn't been to anyone else's house...except family. He keeps asking his friends mums though!😳

FarAwayHills · 12/10/2016 19:10

How about you ask if your DD can come round for tea, play etc but not ready for the sleepover part just yet? This way they are not left out.

I am not a fan of sleepovers but they are part of life these days. I resisted until about Y3/4 and only then it has to be with friends where they had been to the friends houses before and I know the parents well. Same goes for hosting them - I have to know the DC well and like to know they are comfortable and happy in our house before they sleep there.

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