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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleepovers... Yes or No?

140 replies

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 10:11

This is more of a what do/would you do really...

My eldest dd is currently in Year 1. Last school year she was invited to two sleepovers at girls houses in her reception class. Just her and the friend would be there, not a birthday group thing iyswim. I really didn't expect these kinds of invites so soon and it really caught me off-guard. Both the mums sent me a text invite for dd, so dd didn't know about them. The end I politely declined the invitations. I just didn't feel comfortable allowing her to sleep at a friend's house whose parents I don't fully know. She was 4 at the time.
I text back to say that dd still woke up in the night with nightmares sometimes (true) and that she wasn't ready to sleep out. I then suggested that we take the girls to a playgym or something. Totally fine.
Now she is in Year 1 her and her friends seem very taken with the thought of having sleepovers. I'm still not comfortable with the thought of it though and if I'm honest, it has more to do with safeguarding issues than anything to do with dd. I don't feel I know any of the parents well enough yet, and I've never seen one of the girls dad. I thought she would at least be invited to a play date first!
I am protective and tend to mull over things. I've never thought I was over the top though...
I really don't want to be a kill joy but I don't know if I will feel happy about this until I get to know the parents better, if I ever do. I am fine about her sleeping out and close family friends houses btw.
So Aibu? And mums with older kids, have you allowed this and under what circumstances?

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 13/10/2016 06:32

Ds had first sleepover at 9. Thankfully no one round here does them any earlier.

frenchbubble · 13/10/2016 06:55

I don't see the problem! Both my DDs had a sleepover party for 8th birthday. 4 friends came to each and all was fine, yes they didn't get to sleep until 11 but they were giggling and chatting after an age appropriate film. They even read each other stories! They have stayed at friends from 4 for babysitting purposes.

Piratepete1 · 13/10/2016 06:55

I would let my 5 year old have a sleepover as part of Rainbows as they are supervised by at least 3 DBSed staff they know well and are at an approved venue close by. They are tired after but not silly tired as the staff do put a stop to any middle of the night antics. No staying at friends houses until a lot older though.

ChocolateWombat · 13/10/2016 07:19

I would say you lose nothing by delaying sleepovers.
When children are very young (I'd say under about 8 or 9) someone frequently is homesick and either needs to go home late evening or in the night. The impact of the lack of sleep the next day is also that the kids are very grumpy and miserable....not good for anyone.
For older ones, I would say to avoid group sleepovers and just have 1 person, unless it is the kind of organised one by Brownies, Cubs etc. The scope for fallings out, nastiness etc seems high when there are groups of kids, late in the evening and into the night....all of the tensions which bubble under the surface in the day, just come out unleashed and there can be real unpleasantness.

You can see I'm not a big fan. My DD actually didn't want to go to sleepovers until about 9 because she loves her own bed and worried about not sleeping enough. Since then, she's enjoyed the odd sleepover with just one friend and is now just starting to go to group organised events. I have heard lots of horror stories of boys up at 3am leaping around the lounge in their sleeping bags and fighting and girls in tears over bitchiness. There are so many ways to socialise and have fun with your friends in the daytime and early evening, that I'd rather go with those wherever poss.
5 certainly seems too young to me and totally unnecessary.

maddiemookins16mum · 13/10/2016 08:00

I never really "got" sleepovers, never had them "in my day" (the 70's). That said, DD went on one for the first time around 8 or 9. She came back overtired and whiney and said she'd eaten nothing and topped and tailed with her wee pal who kept kicking her in bed all night plus the dad shouted at the brother of said friend and she hated it. She avoided them after that but now at 12 has two friends who regularly stay over (one at a time is my rule - she has a small double bed so they share). I wouldn't have let her go at 4 or 5, too young, I don't think they need to be sleeping at friends houses at that age, killjoy that I am.

EmGee · 13/10/2016 08:04

My kids have done sleepovers from a young age. A very good family friend had them both on one occasion (they were 2 and 5). I trust her implicitly though and the kids love her and her family to bits. They have since done sleepovers at her house.

The eldest did her first sleepover at a school friend's for hallowe'en last year (aged 6) and has since done two birthday sleepovers and has just been away on a school residential trip for a week. Yes - at age 6.5. We live in France where this seems to be the norm.

The youngest (4.5) has done two sleepovers at a friend's house. I know the mum and they are a lovely family.

We have also done sleepovers here. They are a pain but the kids love them so I see it as a necessary evil of being a parent!

I wouldn't do a sleepover if my children didn't want to and I have always been 'on hand' in case something happened in the night, or they changed their minds at 10pm and wanted to come home. Have to say, my kids love them though both at home and at their friend's houses. I try and limit them to the holidays where possible.

dowhatnow · 13/10/2016 08:29

Dd concocted the idea of a sleepover with her best friend at age 3 at nursery. All their own idea! I let her as I knew the mum anyway.
Ds wouldn't/couldn't stay anywhere without me until about 9.

They are all different and it depends on how well you know the other parents/how many play dates they've had there/maturity of the child etc, so I think there is no hard and fast rule but it should be decided in an individual basis.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/10/2016 08:34

We always had lots of sleepovers,they are great fun and tbh no trouble for dh or me either. We had bedtime rules and kids weren't allowed to mess around after a certain time. I think ds was 5 when he first went on one.

dowhatnow · 13/10/2016 08:36

I've always given the kids a secret word or sentence to say over the phone if they want to come home, then they can do so without losing face.

Musicinthe00ssucks · 13/10/2016 09:06

I don't consider myself to be over protective just cautious, but there is no way I would allow my DDs to have sleep overs. My DD1 is in reception and I feel exactly the same way you do; I don't know any of the parents well enough and she is simply not old enough - and yes I do share your safeguarding concerns. YADNBU! My DDs haven't even slept at their grandparents houses. DD1 has only spent one night away from us and that was with her grandmother (in our house) when I had DD2.

supermoon100 · 13/10/2016 09:22

My kids have been doing sleepovers since about the age of 5. Home and away. They luuuurve it. Seems a bit sad and helicopter to deny them such alot of fun. As for safeguarding issues, I refuse to see the world in such a dark way.

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/10/2016 09:33

Young children, I totally get not having sleepovers, but I really don't understand not letting teens stay over with friends. Fine if you don't want people sleeping over yours, but why would you restrict a 13/14/15 year old that way?

I also wonder how people propose to stop older teens from staying overnight somewhere, unless you're willing to pick them up from parties/friends houses and physically drag them back yourself?

Craigie · 13/10/2016 11:23

My kids have happily slept over at their friends houses since they were about 5. Don't allow your paranoia to see danger where it doesn't exist. Sleepovers when kids are older are a massive pain in the arse because they carry on all night and keep the adults awake!

bigTillyMint · 13/10/2016 13:50

Do what you feel is best for your child and you. If you don't know the family well and you feel your DD might possibly feel anxious/upset, then it might be best to give it a miss.

My DC started doing sleepovers from about 3/4 but this was with families we had known from birth and often of the type where we were having dinner there so they started the sleepover whilst we were there IYSWIM. And we all live very close by.

elfonshelf · 13/10/2016 15:04

DD (Y3) has been on quite a few sleepovers and I've hosted a few - one was for a 5th birthday party and there were about 6 kids on a Friday night (I wouldn't be brave enough to host but the child's parents were quite happy/courageous), others have generally been due to things like house move and DH and I having to be at some all-night events (we both work in politics).

We don't have family nearby and so it's great having a few school friends where DD can go and stay. She had terrible separation anxiety till the age of 3, but since then has been the complete opposite so we have never had any upset phone calls etc

None of the sleepovers (bar the birthday) have involved anything other than normal routines, so they're in bed at normal time, standard food etc. Basically just adding an extra child for the night.

I do understand that some parents aren't comfortable - DD is always wanting to invite people for sleepovers - and that is fine, each to their own.

theDuchessInTheDodgeCharger · 13/10/2016 15:04

mine started around 5, with their best friend. It depends on the child! Actually DS2 has only had his friend stay over but hasn't slept over at the friend's house yet. He still wets the bed at 6 so I'd like to save him the embarrassment of pull-ups ....
apart from that I think it's great for the kid
less so for the parents ( it's bloody exhausting )

theDuchessInTheDodgeCharger · 13/10/2016 15:05

and they have been staying the night with family since the newborn stage, both of them ( I don't consider that a sleepover though! )

divafever99 · 13/10/2016 15:14

dd (5) had a sleepover at her friends house over the summer. I had got to know her mum and dad really well through reception, and she had been there for tea a couple of times so I was comfortable with it. If I didn't know the parents well I wouldn't have allowed it. dd was fine and really enjoyed it, and her friend stayed with us a couple of weeks later and she was fine too.

neveradullmoment99 · 13/10/2016 15:43

NO. Never will happen either.

PuntCuffin · 13/10/2016 15:43

Both mine have done sleepovers from Y1. Started with friends who lived on the street and progressed from there. Their school does residential trips from Y2 and I can't imagine sending them on that without them having stayed away from home before. Both boys love the opportunity to have an evening with just us and no sibling to annoy them. We return the favour for friends, more of a mutual babysitting circle, if you like.

drspouse · 13/10/2016 15:44

We have sleepovers for Rainbows who are 5 to 6, but I can assure you we have all been DBS checked!

mouldycheesefan · 13/10/2016 15:48

Only for birthdays. Started age 8.

WhooooAmI24601 · 13/10/2016 15:49

We do have sleepovers but with some quite strict limitations. DS2 is 5 and has slept over at his best friends house quite a few times; his best friend is the younger sibling of DS1 (11)'s best friend, so they've grown up together. They also live at the back of our house, so have a two minute walk should anything go wrong. He's not had sleepovers anywhere else (aside from grandparents houses) yet, but I imagine over the next few years it'll change.

DS1 is having a sleepover with two friends staying tomorrow. At 11 they're pretty self-sufficient so it's not a challenge. I'm picky about where they stay away, though, and wouldn't let thm stay somewhere I didn't know the parents well.

Thissideof40 · 13/10/2016 17:53

DS is 8 and I still wouldn't let him have a sleepover but that's more to do with the fact he still suffers with night terrors (he has at least one a week) so I wouldn't want to risk it at someone else's house.

DD had a sleepover for her 9th birthday after weeks of begging for one and it was just about the right age for her.

pasanda · 13/10/2016 18:00

I haven't RTFT but...

My dd's are 8 and have been having sleep overs for ages. In fact, they are going to one tomorrow night Confused

For their 7th birthday they had a sleepover party with 5 friends staying.

It is the norm around here and they love them! Friends, movies, popcorn, still a 'bedtime' routine so they do get sleep - what's not to like???

Inbetweeners all night - I would say that says something about the friends and their parents, not sleepovers as such. Maybe get new friends??