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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleepovers... Yes or No?

140 replies

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 10:11

This is more of a what do/would you do really...

My eldest dd is currently in Year 1. Last school year she was invited to two sleepovers at girls houses in her reception class. Just her and the friend would be there, not a birthday group thing iyswim. I really didn't expect these kinds of invites so soon and it really caught me off-guard. Both the mums sent me a text invite for dd, so dd didn't know about them. The end I politely declined the invitations. I just didn't feel comfortable allowing her to sleep at a friend's house whose parents I don't fully know. She was 4 at the time.
I text back to say that dd still woke up in the night with nightmares sometimes (true) and that she wasn't ready to sleep out. I then suggested that we take the girls to a playgym or something. Totally fine.
Now she is in Year 1 her and her friends seem very taken with the thought of having sleepovers. I'm still not comfortable with the thought of it though and if I'm honest, it has more to do with safeguarding issues than anything to do with dd. I don't feel I know any of the parents well enough yet, and I've never seen one of the girls dad. I thought she would at least be invited to a play date first!
I am protective and tend to mull over things. I've never thought I was over the top though...
I really don't want to be a kill joy but I don't know if I will feel happy about this until I get to know the parents better, if I ever do. I am fine about her sleeping out and close family friends houses btw.
So Aibu? And mums with older kids, have you allowed this and under what circumstances?

OP posts:
sandbagsatdawn · 13/10/2016 22:28

My older two started sleepovers in year 2, my youngest in year 1 with a good friend he's known since nursery. Always with friends where they have had numerous playdates together and I know the parents reasonably well. The first ever one was with a friend literally across the road in case of late night panic. I don't mind having them here, but then I am a teacher and don't put up with too much crap. I let them giggle and mess about for a while, but eventually just say "If you don't be quiet and go to sleep" I'll have to take X home." Never known that one not do the trick.

I am a glutton for punishment though. Once had all 3 kids have a friend sleep over at once.... and I once allowed a birthday party sleepover with 7 nine year old kids in a tent in the garden. Never doing that again though....... they finally went to sleep when I yelled at them at 1am, then they woke up again at 5am!

I'm more worried about the sleepover invitations to come once they start secondary school and I don't know their friends or the parents, and will be considered a real meanie if I say no.

sandbagsatdawn · 13/10/2016 22:37

hookie It's a shame the first sleepover was a bad one but that kind of nonsense could just as easily happen on a school bus or normal play date than on a sleepover.

I agree that having had pleasant sleepover experiences at a younger age would have made it easier to write than one off to "just one of those things" rather than letting it put your daughter off sleepovers completely.

littleflamingo · 13/10/2016 23:49

Sleepover? Never!

AutumnColours9 · 13/10/2016 23:59

Yanbu. Far too young. I let DDS from about 7/8 if knew very well and DSs about 10. They went away with cubs/brownies at about 7 too. You will know when it's right. Never feel bad about saying no.

BoomBoomsCousin · 14/10/2016 00:52

Other than with cousins, my year 3 twins have not been on sleepovers yet, though I'd consider letting them if I knew the family somewhat. However they had a sleepover with 3 friends each for their 7th birthday all 6 sets of parents were fine with it. Two of them hadn't even been to our house for a play date before. I was quite surprised.

The sleepover itself was a bit of a nightmare, but no fallings out and no-one needed to leave part way through. Overall much less effort than a 2.5 hour party for 20 as we'd done in the past. Wouldn't want to do it often, but I was imagining the advantages of having a sleep over roster with the other parents - one hard night once a month and three nights of bliss with the girls elsewhere... Hasn't happened though!

KeyserSophie · 14/10/2016 02:47

Yes, but I need to know the parents and the friendship needs to be drama free (if they make up/fight every 2 seconds at school or on playdates then no way). Our school is relatively small with a strong emphasis on parent engagement so I have met all the DC's friends' parents'. DS (6) has done a few and all's been ok. DD(4) is doing one next week but it's in the same apartment complex so easy to go get her if it doesnt work out.

sailawaywithme · 14/10/2016 03:26

My daughter is 8 and has had a few with neighbors we know well. I can appreciate the "we won't have our child stay somewhere if we don't know the family really well" viewpoint, but I do wonder if we are doing our children a disservice by not loosening the ties a bit. What level of closeness do you need for a sleepover? If your friend's husband was a secret paedophile he's unlikely to have mentioned it over coffee! I'm being flippant, of course, but I feel sad that many of us now approach the world from a perspective of "I'll assume you're not safe until I have evidence that you are" when I feel that our parents' generation had the reverse standpoint.

But I sent my daughter away to a YWCA camp for a week with a bunch of strangers, so what do I know! Grin

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2016 03:50

DS, 7, has just started having them. He's got a friend coming over tomorrow night.

DD, 6, not yet. Probably when she gets to year 3.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2016 03:51

DS, 7, has just started having them. He's got a friend coming over tomorrow night.

DD, 6, not yet. Probably when she gets to year 3.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2016 03:51

DS, 7, has just started having them. He's got a friend coming over tomorrow night.

DD, 6, not yet. Probably when she gets to year 3.

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/10/2016 03:52

Crikey, sorry for the over-zealous posting. BlushConfused

Timetogetup0630 · 14/10/2016 07:47

Not until they are at least year 6 or 10 years old and definitely not until you have met the parents and seen the house/ living arrangements.

If you are not comfortable with sleepovers don't do them.
And no need to give excuses. Just say "We believe DD is too young for this, perhaps we could have a daytime play date ".

Starlight2345 · 14/10/2016 09:35

My DS has since he was 4..However first one was with a friend across the road. He loves sleepovers, loves cub and beaver camp..

My DS has a friend (9) who won't sleep away from home tried it last year and wanted to go home when it was bedtime. He has also gone to cub camp for the day but never stayed the night.

There isn't one parenting rule..

I think it is fine to say its not for my dd just yet. Especially if not even been for playdates.

I had a friend of my DS's who I wouldn't allow over on play dates because all they did was argue at school. They are good friends now and play well together but glad I never had them when younger.

One thing that seems to be missing from this thread...When they are younger and have sleepovers , they aren't stay up as long as you like there are a point where they are told time to settle down..

No one is right or wrong on this thread , it is about what is right for you and your child.

frizzfactor · 14/10/2016 10:40

I work with sex offenders. You are absolutely doing the right thing. You do not need to justify yourself. I've heard so many horror stories of children being raped by friends parents at sleepovers that my two will not be allowed to sleep out until they can adequately defend themselves.

Not even people I trust completely would be allowed, because that's what they do. They make you trust them. And believe you me, they are very very good at it. I am certainly cynical now, but with good reason. 1 in 6 children will be sexually abused. And it's thought that is probably an underestimate. I do not want my child to be the one.

Bumpsadaisie · 14/10/2016 11:35

Mine started in YR but only with people who were close friends.

paxillin · 14/10/2016 11:45

You work with sex offenders, frizzfactor? I thought most child sexual abuse takes place within families? That has got nothing to do with sleepovers.

RB68 · 14/10/2016 12:01

Families and people they know is the phrase usually used

frizzfactor · 14/10/2016 12:23

Yes I do. No, the statistics show that most offences are perpetrated by someone known to the child. Paedophiles will spend a long time building a relationship of trust with both children and parents. Please please do not walk around thinking your child is safe because you are not abusing them. There are people who are very very good at playing the long game so as to access your children.

I have spoken to enough paedophiles who have abused their children's friends or friends children, that I just won't take the risk. Because you just don't know until it's too late.

Comiconce · 14/10/2016 22:57

So how many children of primary age are there in the UK then, and how many sex offenders, frizzfactor? Can you give me some ratios of how likely my dc are at encountering someone trying to get into their knickers if they have one sleepover in their time at primary school?

For me, it works to say I, as an adult, can't be bothered with overexcited tired children. That's why I refuse sleepovers. Not because I believe everyone I meet tries to rape my children.

PaintingPolly · 15/10/2016 02:35

I completely agree with frizzfactor. I have experience of someone close to me being groomed and abused by a family friend. I don't go through life thinking that everyone is a potential abuser but equally I am not naive enough to think that I can tell who is.

I won't let my children go on sleepovers because I believe that it potentially could put them in a risky situation and why would I ever take that risk?

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/10/2016 03:57

It's up to everyone to make their own decisions of course, but plenty of people do take that risk, so that answers that question.

You take a risk every time you / your DC step out of the house.

MythicalChicken · 15/10/2016 04:11

"Sorry - we don't really do sleepovers. How about we meet up and take the kids to a museum/lunch/cinema?"

This is my response to requests for sleepovers as I have read too many sleepover horror stories on here Grin.

Marilynsbigsister · 15/10/2016 07:16

All 7 of mine have done sleepovers from early age with school friends / brownies/ guides/ family.. probably from age of about 5/6. We have also hosted sleepovers from that age. The only problem we have ever had is the inability to settle from a couple of children. On those occasions I have had to take child home or ask to collect. Notably these children were older (10/11 ) and from very helicopter-ish parents who almost wanted a house inspection and full social services report before letting their children sleepover.
Now we are in the teenage to Uni age group we have massive sleepovers with tents in the garden . Not only have I never met the parents but I don't always know the children ..

Someone up thread mentioned they don't 'understand as it wasn't a thing in my day ' My attitude (and DHs too) is probably shaped by this as he was at boarding school from age 8 (barbaric) and sleepovers were very common when I was a kid (late 60s early 70s) as we lived in very rural area and I just think our parents found it earlier.

Marilynsbigsister · 15/10/2016 07:17

Easier not earlier!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/10/2016 07:32

Sleepovers were very much a thing in my day and I'm 46,from age 10 and over though. Often had cousins and family friend's kids staying over much younger though.