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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sleepovers... Yes or No?

140 replies

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 10:11

This is more of a what do/would you do really...

My eldest dd is currently in Year 1. Last school year she was invited to two sleepovers at girls houses in her reception class. Just her and the friend would be there, not a birthday group thing iyswim. I really didn't expect these kinds of invites so soon and it really caught me off-guard. Both the mums sent me a text invite for dd, so dd didn't know about them. The end I politely declined the invitations. I just didn't feel comfortable allowing her to sleep at a friend's house whose parents I don't fully know. She was 4 at the time.
I text back to say that dd still woke up in the night with nightmares sometimes (true) and that she wasn't ready to sleep out. I then suggested that we take the girls to a playgym or something. Totally fine.
Now she is in Year 1 her and her friends seem very taken with the thought of having sleepovers. I'm still not comfortable with the thought of it though and if I'm honest, it has more to do with safeguarding issues than anything to do with dd. I don't feel I know any of the parents well enough yet, and I've never seen one of the girls dad. I thought she would at least be invited to a play date first!
I am protective and tend to mull over things. I've never thought I was over the top though...
I really don't want to be a kill joy but I don't know if I will feel happy about this until I get to know the parents better, if I ever do. I am fine about her sleeping out and close family friends houses btw.
So Aibu? And mums with older kids, have you allowed this and under what circumstances?

OP posts:

PaintingPolly · 12/10/2016 19:31

How well do you really know any family though? Just because your kids go to school together doesnt mean the parents are trustworthy. I think we all have some strange ideas re who to trust - seeing someone at the school gates means nothing, you probably see your odd neighbour more often but you wouldn't let the kids sleep over. Maybe i am over protective but there is no way I'd let mine do it without police clearance (joking....kinda). It's only part of life if you let it be.

Ironmanrocks · 12/10/2016 19:47

Well for me, these people are my actual real life friends. I spend time with them, know all about them and have done for years. You're right, thinking about it I wouldn't let him stay away with the people I don't know so well and see twice a week at the school gates.

Whatsername17 · 12/10/2016 19:51

My dd is in Year 1 and there is just no way I'd let her go on a sleep over. My 5 year old niece would freak out staying here and she and her parents lived with us for a couple of months during the summer. Too little to be away from parents I think. Dd does sleep over at grandparents though.

paxillin · 12/10/2016 20:08

I had no idea we were so unusual. We had the first couple of sleepovers in reception, aged 4. From year 1 they have been a regular feature, both hosting and kids staying elsewhere. Several different friends, too, so our whole school and area must be weird. We host at least one a month and send the kids away on at least one per month, too. Maybe the friendship group is unusually close.

PaintingPolly · 12/10/2016 20:12

It's different if they are your friends and you have a close relationship. Whole different kettle of fish if it's just 'Jenny's mum' who you don't know at all. I think it's interesting that we feel bad if we don't want them to go when the reality is that these people are total strangers!

PaintingPolly · 12/10/2016 20:13

Its as if 'school' confers some kind of magical safety status

Natsku · 12/10/2016 20:21

I live in a small town so most of the parents will be people my OH personally knows from growing up so I will feel a bit safer about sleepovers when they do start happening.

Wilberforce2 · 12/10/2016 20:22

My ds has just turned 8, just gone into year 3 and there is no way he would go on a sleepover yet it's just too young and I know that he wouldn't enjoy it (he has said this as well). His friends drive me crazy on play dates running around the house so there is now way they will be sleeping here anytime soon especially as I also have a 2 year old!

He was invited on a sleepover at the beginning of year 2 and I declined and politely said that he didn't want to do the Mum sent me back a message saying that I had to learn to let go sooner or later

FarAwayHills · 12/10/2016 20:33

Oh Wilber the cheeky cow

I had a similar experience where I can confided with a mum that DD couldn't sleep over as she was going through a phase of being afraid of the dark and worried about monsters etc. The mum kindly shared this info with her DD which led to my DD being relentlessly teased about this at school

greenfolder · 12/10/2016 21:39

No. I have 3 dds. The eldest 2 who are nowadults didn't do them before about 11. With dd2 I was pleased with that decision because she was friends with a girl whose father was an alcoholic who I just didn't trust so the blanket no sleepovers was helpful.
With dd3 who is 8 sleepovers seem to be a real thing with some of them starting at 6. I have stuck to my rule and said a blanket no.

edwinbear · 12/10/2016 22:01

I've hosted one for ds when he was 6 and he went on a return to the same family a few weeks ago at age 7. However, the parents have become good family friends who we see a lot outside of school, so ds is very comfortable around their family and I am confident he is safe. I wouldn't be so keen if I didn't know the parents well at that age.

PunkrockerGirl · 12/10/2016 22:23

gabsdot are you having a laugh?
I agree 4 is too young, but seriously you won't let your 12 year old go on a sleepover?
You do realise he can leave home and shack up with a girlfriend in 4 years time? Or he'll be off to uni a couple of years later. You've got a tough few years ahead if you insist on molly coddling him to this extent. How are young people expected to cope in the big wide world if they're not allowed to experience it gradually as they grow up?

Blueberry234 · 12/10/2016 22:29

My Son is 5 and has had 2 friends to sleepover - only difference is I have known these children since birth (NCT) I can't see us having school Ines for quite some time

hookiewookie29 · 12/10/2016 22:40

Hate sleepovers-my DD was nearly 12 before she went on one.
I did post on here about it at the time, and got absolutely slaughtered by Mumsnetters who decided that my daughter would never have any friends if I didn't let her go....I was an unfair mother......blah blah blah. As I saw it, my daughter would essentially be sleeping at a house with strangers-I didn't know the mother very well, certainly didn't know the father or anyone else in the family.
Anyway, as she was by then at secondary school, I had no choice but to let her go.The first one was awful- the 2 other girls she was with decided to phone up other girls from school and tell them a whole load of lies about another girl supposedly saying stuff about them. DD was in a right state the next morning,but didn't want to ring me to fetch her because of losing face with the other 2 girls.
She now only stays at her best friends house,or they stay here.
I never would have let her stay at someone else's house in year 1 or 2.Go with your gut feeling-if you're not comfortable with it, then don't do it.

Crunchymum · 12/10/2016 22:45

My almost 4yo only stayed out for the first time ever about 3 months ago. Stayed at brother and SiL's for 2 nights as they had an early day trip and got back late wasn't too pleased he didn't come home after one night to be honest but his cousins were there and granny too. Yes he was absolutely fine example of course!! No way would he be ready to stay at a random house.

Original poster

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 22:47

We haven't been in the area long so I suppose it's going to take time to get to know all of the families.
I think it's totally sensible to do what you have done greenfolder. Same rule for all seems like a good plan. I'll see how old I can push it before I cave in! As some have said, the key is to get to know the families better. Tricky when it's often just dd's friends mums, not both parents doing the school run.

OP posts:

hookiewookie29 · 12/10/2016 22:49

And Punkrockergirl you are not being fair.
Sleepovers are only a very tiny part of childhood-just because gabsdot doesn't agree with them, certainly doesn't mean that her son is mollycoddled. Her opinion is different to yours-doesn't make it wrong.

Yoarchie · 12/10/2016 22:51

Both of my kids did first sleepover in Y3 aged 7/8 and in both cases I knew the parents quite well. I have also hosted.

I don't like sleepovers, I did/allowed it to please my kids, which it did.

I refused all invitations prior to Y3. One mum was extremely persistent from when my dd was 5/6. In retrospect i am glad I kept telling her no. Her dd is Sept bday, mine is more than 6 months younger and when they were younger, my dd couldn't stand up for herself. Now they are on equal footing and my dds wishes dint get trampled so much.

Original poster

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 22:54

Gosh hookie, your poor dd. It's the group/party sleepover invite I'm really dreading. I am going to be 'the worst mother' if I don't let her go then. I guess I'll just have to grow a hard skin.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thetruthfairy · 12/10/2016 23:01

Yoarchie, I am posting as a mum is being persistent with this too... I think I probably need to be a bit firmer with my no. I've said no but I've probably not been clear about how the situation won't change in the near future.

OP posts:

hookiewookie29 · 12/10/2016 23:13

fairy DD actually decided for herself after that sleepover that she wasn't going to a group sleepover again, which took a lot of pressure off me!
Stick to your guns though-the mum will soon get the message!

Ginseng1 · 12/10/2016 23:15

Mine are 9 & 7 & I've said 10 is when they'll be allowed. Now they don't seem to be a big thing in the school (tk goodness). My DD is the 7 yr old n she asks more than the 9 yr old. In saying that no sleepover invites have come yet so all seem to be on same page. I know from my Nieces & nephews it appears to kick off around 10. I'd know all the parents of their friends relatively well (small school I grew up in the village) I dread them though esp as will have toddler as well (she's baby now) But I will allow them & Host them cos even tho I am 40+ I had them growing up from around 11 & they were the highlight of my otherwise non existent social life!

ChickenSalad · 13/10/2016 05:39

I never would have let her stay at someone else's house in year 1 or 2

Ok, but if you had let her in Y3, Y4, Y5 or Y6 then she may have already had lovely experiences as a perspective to counter the bad one at 12.

InTheDessert · 13/10/2016 06:27

My 7 year old has had several.
My 5 year old hasn't had any. If he had a close friend, I would let him if I'd met Mum a number of times, and both kids were keen. With close friends I don't see what the difference is between staying with their cousins (of whom we have none) and staying with a good friend.

The only disaster was when we were asked to have a friend's 3 year old as they both wanted to go out for the evening. It was a disaster. He still coslept, and Mum didn't tell me she was OK with me getting into his bed at 4 am. I won't do that one again.

InTheDessert · 13/10/2016 06:28

Sorry, didn't mean to post quite yet.

But it only works if everyone is happy. If anyone has concerns you say no, and leave it 6 months before contemplating again.

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