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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my dh not to come home until he agrees to see the doctor

148 replies

onemoretimeagain · 12/10/2016 05:13

My dh has been in pain for a year. He has pains all over his joints - he did see a doctor who gave him an xray . The X-ray showed some issue with his hip and he was referred for an MRI he has since refused to go and refuse to go back to the doctor about anything.

His mood has been getting slowly more unpredictable - yesterday I had to step in numerous times because his behaviour towards our children was unacceptable bordering on bullying. In the evening we were having sex and he became extremely domineering and frightening when i refused a particular thing. I don't know how much detail I am allowed to go into on here but I am extremely upset about it.

We have been together 15 years this was not his personality up until a year ago. I really think there is something wrong with him but it's got to the point where i actually feel in danger now.

AIBU to let him go to work tomorrow and then tell him not to come back until he has started the process of getting help?

OP posts:

Stormwhale · 12/10/2016 12:50

Whilst an illness may effect his behaviour making him irrational and aggressive suddenly - it would not make him sly or manipulative.

Nanny that simply is not true. A mental health condition or neurological could very well cause the person to act in a manipulative and sly way. Personality changes can happen to any aspect of a persons personality, not just violence, nastiness etc. It can seem their whole moral compass has changed, everything that makes them who they were.

maxington · 12/10/2016 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 12/10/2016 12:56

The thing is none of know why he is behaving like this and we can argue the reasons til the cows come home .

The fact is he is behaving like this and the op is scared. If he won't address the problem then it's down to the op to take action.

I really hope you get this sorted Op , what a horrible situation

MagikarpetRide · 12/10/2016 12:59

Exactly storm. I've seen dementia sufferers, especially in earlier stages gaslighting. It can partly be why some don't get treated early doors. Whether it's a new normal attitude for them or whether it's to do with their own need to deny what's happening is another question but illnesses can lead people to be manipulative.

Though no one here is excusing her dhs behaviour at all.

GingerIvy · 12/10/2016 13:00

Scared No, that is NOT correct. Her safety and that of her children comes first ALWAYS.

Whether or not he is ill is actually irrelevant at this point. Her first priority MUST be the safety of herself and her children. By keeping THEM safe, she keeps her husband safe as well - safe from harming them, safe from possible consequences of hurting them in a rage (whether it's from illness or abuse).

He has already told the OP that he feels she is overreacting and he's shown form for not going along with her requests. Telling him not to come home will likely only be ignored, and if she attempts to lock him out or tell him to leave, it's possible he will fly into a rage and they will be in danger.

It doesn't matter WHY he's acting this way right now. FIRST she gets herself and the children safely away. THEN the process of determining the cause can start - hopefully by him realising he needs help. But 1-safety first, always. 2- he needs to take the steps to get help himself. He's already demonstrated that he will not go if she makes the appointment.

Lweji · 12/10/2016 13:29

What would you suggest? For the op to leave him? Whilst he is battling a cancer that has spread and even though he has always been a very nice person?

If he is physically dangerous, as is this case, yes.

He needs to be somewhere safe for him and others.

It's sad, but it is the best option for all.

StStrattersOfMN · 12/10/2016 13:34

No Period, I am saying your statement of 11.47am is wrong.

The guy is going to work.

If this behaviour was directly due to health, his work would be seeing it too.

Hes saving it up for home

Work would not necessarily see the behaviour, depending on the (unknown) cause, he could very well be ill but able to maintain a front at work. That's totally different to 'saving' something up for home.

StStrattersOfMN · 12/10/2016 13:36

DMIL absolutely can, and does manipulate and gaslight. Yet she is also deluded and hallucinating. Her condition is very volatile, but she absolutely can appear to be fine in front of, say the GP.

Lweji · 12/10/2016 13:42

If this behaviour was directly due to health, his work would be seeing it too.

They might. But just may notice that he is loosing his temper more than usual.
Even the OP wouldn't know.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 13:53

Sometimes behaviour can appear to be "completely out of character" but the warning signs were there all along and the behaviour has simply escalated to the point where it has shocked the victim into realising something is wrong. It's the boiling frog analogy.

This man might have a medical condition that causes personality changes, but those condition are rare, and abusive men are less rare.

The only physical symptom the OP has mentioned is joint pain, and the last I heard, that doesn't cause people to commit sexual assault.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 12/10/2016 14:02

Doesn't really matter if this guy is ill or not. Op needs to protect her and her children's saftey first.

Just because you may be ill or NOT - doesn't mean you can abuse your family

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/10/2016 14:02

AnotherEmma

She says that x rays showed shadows on his hips and he was sent for an MRI that he didn't go for. So, there is a physical problem that isn't being addressed. If it is arthritis then it probably doesn't explain his behaviour. If it is cancer that has metastasized to his brain it might do.

lougle · 12/10/2016 14:03

Joint pain plus a suspicious scan.

Even rare things have to happen to someone.

GingerIvy · 12/10/2016 14:10

He may or may not be ill. That can be established AFTER the OP makes sure she and her children are safe. Regardless of why the behaviour is happening, if she stays and he goes off on a rage and strangles her or beats one of the children, is that going to help him get better?

ElspethFlashman · 12/10/2016 14:52

Agree that it is often the people who are closest who see the odd behaviour first.

I begged doctors for a CT Brain for my Dad, but when they talked to him he was perfect. Absolutely perfect. So they thought it wasn't necessary and I was left wondering if I was over reacting (and I'm a nurse!). I knew he wasn't right......but when it came to relating it to doctors it sounded so small and stupid. "He's just staring a bit too much, and he keeps checking his pockets" And then Dad would have a very intelligent conversation with the doctor about local politics. I mean, I probably wouldn't have ordered a scan either!

But sadly, my instincts were right.

Even if someone at work had noticed a slight change in him, they would not think much of it. One doesn't. Not when he's ostensibly "fine". You just think someone is having a stressy day.

Anyway, who knows? The OP must be shitting it and I don't want that.

LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2016 14:59

Just because you may be ill or NOT - doesn't mean you can abuse your family

Has someone said you can? Not on this thread.

HazelBite · 12/10/2016 15:05

People suffering serious illnesses, do have personality and behavioural changes, and present with irrational and challenging behaviour.
I have seen this with my dsis, who after several years of not taking her Parkinsons particularly seriously, has deteriorated badly and her attitude to her poor Dh and adult children is awful. She has gone from being a perfectly lovable, nice woman to a manipulative, bad tempered tyrant! She does not remember her outbursts of bad behaviour, and if she had any conception of the awfulness of her behaviour would be appalled at herself.

I think the OP must do what she must do and give him an ultimatum on this, for such a personality change I would think that something is seriously wrong. At the end of the day she must protect herself and the children and he is an adult, it doesn't matter how ill he possibly might be his poor behaviour will have repercussions for those around him (as I've sadly seen in my own family)

BforBuckOff · 12/10/2016 15:08

Period

I appreciate you've been in an abusive relationship and so you feel that you have to "enlighten" the rest of us. But you really don't. No one is denying that his behavior is abusive. No one is telling the OP to stay and put up with it.

However, you are not a doctor, a psychologist or an expert. You have no idea what is causing the DH's personality changes. You keep insisting that there's some "tell" or "clue" and that you can show he's definitely just an abuser. But you don't know that and, as a few posters pointed out, he's likely MORE dangerous if it's a medical condition because it won't follow the rules of normal abuse.

AnotherEmma

This man might have a medical condition that causes personality changes, but those condition are rare, and abusive men are less rare.

Agree they are rare but it's at least plausible to bring up in this case because the man is clearly seriously ill.

kali110 · 12/10/2016 15:18

period ffs to you.
I said MY behaviour changed because of chronic pain and m/h issues.
Noone has said this excuses what he has done, noone.
People with illnesses, especially if undiagnosed can change in behaviour, ofcourse though you may know more than the specialists

Purplebluebird · 12/10/2016 17:00

Oh wow, how scary for you OP. His behaviour is unacceptable and I think you'd be more than right to shut him out or leave until he's sorted out whatever is causing this personality change (obviously if he's just turned abusive for no reason, he would never be welcomed back). I hope you can get to the bottom of this soon.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 12/10/2016 18:59

Has he tried to come home? Are you ok op?

Butteredpars1ps · 12/10/2016 19:03

How are you OP?

Memoires · 12/10/2016 22:22

Did you manage to talk to the gp? You could write down your concerns and give it to the surgery.

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