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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my dh not to come home until he agrees to see the doctor

148 replies

onemoretimeagain · 12/10/2016 05:13

My dh has been in pain for a year. He has pains all over his joints - he did see a doctor who gave him an xray . The X-ray showed some issue with his hip and he was referred for an MRI he has since refused to go and refuse to go back to the doctor about anything.

His mood has been getting slowly more unpredictable - yesterday I had to step in numerous times because his behaviour towards our children was unacceptable bordering on bullying. In the evening we were having sex and he became extremely domineering and frightening when i refused a particular thing. I don't know how much detail I am allowed to go into on here but I am extremely upset about it.

We have been together 15 years this was not his personality up until a year ago. I really think there is something wrong with him but it's got to the point where i actually feel in danger now.

AIBU to let him go to work tomorrow and then tell him not to come back until he has started the process of getting help?

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoretimeagain · 12/10/2016 08:05

Notbad - I really doubt it - he is not athletic at all , I don't think he has ever been in a gym .

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoretimeagain · 12/10/2016 08:06

Penfold - I know he takes paracetamol but other than that I don't think he takes anything else. Obviously I'm not with him all day but I really don't think there's anything more. He drinks only rarely (once or twice a month and never more than a pint or two)

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoretimeagain · 12/10/2016 08:10

Tbh even if I said don't come home he probably still would not really sure how I could him

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 12/10/2016 08:14

Is there someone you and the kids can go to in the event that he just forces his way into the home anyway? I'd be concerned about issues with his brain if his behaviour has changed this much, that kind of domineering bullying is not a chronic pain type behaviour. Staring you out whilst getting dressed is very very weird. Call the gp and get a telephone appointment maybe? Tell them everything even though I know it's embarrassing talking about sex to a stranger. If he becomes abusive don't be afraid to call the police. Can the dcs go to someone's house after school so they're not home if he does kick off?

ohtheholidays · 12/10/2016 08:19

Have you got locks on the doors and windows at home One if so make sure all the doors and windows are locked so he can't get it in,if he trys to force his way in then call the Police!

I know this will more than likely feel terrifying for you and feel like it's gone 0 to 60 in 5 seconds but you need to keep yourself and your DC safe and your husband does sound unstable.

Please don't let yourself and your DC become another statistic,so many women go through what's happening to you and they allow they're husband/partner to stay in the family home and nothing changes for the better it just gets worse untill it's to late for anyone to do anything.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 12/10/2016 08:22

I'm not suggesting that it's an excuse for his behaviour, because it absolutely is not, but it sounds to me like he's scared.

If he's been in pain for a long time and refusing further investigations could it be that he's convinced himself that he knows what they'd find (eg shadows + mri = cancer) and he doesn't want to face up to it? (I'm not suggesting it is cancer by the way, just an example of what he might be thinking)

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 12/10/2016 08:24

Has his gp never chased up with him about not having the mri?

Goingtobeawesome · 12/10/2016 08:26

You can't make him do anything so you need to focus on what is best for you and your children as none of you sound well cared for by him and once he gets away with X it will become XY then XYZ etc.

Maybe talk to him and say X can't happen again (the abuse during sex, the hitting the child etc etc) and if you don't go to the GP and it happens again then X will happen.

You need to pick your limit and don't allow him to go over it.

You get one life. It's too long to be spent being abused by a bully.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/10/2016 08:27

Being scared doesn't make you abuse your family.

shovetheholly · 12/10/2016 08:28

You poor, poor thing, this sounds awful and very traumatic for both you and the family.

Chronic pain can do terrible things to your mind as well as your body. It can change your personality, your outlook on the world, your way of being. It is also frightening. I am not making excuses, but rather building an argument here to say that you should trust your instincts that he needs medical intervention, and that you are right to set an ultimatum about this.

He is clearly in some kind of fear or panic about the medical intervention, and he needs to confront this and sort himself out. First and foremost in this situation comes the health, wellbeing and safety of you and your kids. Secure that, then deal with him.

Memoires · 12/10/2016 08:29

Talk to your gp about this.

Re the sex, you only have to say "he is becoming sexually coercive, nothing bad atm, but things I don't want to do", you don't have to be explicit.

Lots of people find it hard to look at serious possibilities, and think if they ignore them then that possibility won't come to pass. Is it possible that a doctor or medical professional has mentioned a possible cause to him and he's trying to pretend it isn't happening?

Butteredpars1ps · 12/10/2016 08:31

The change in behaviour and the shadow on his hip needs be investigated, possibly urgently.

Would he agree to go to a GP appointment if someone went with him? Or alternatively could he start with a telephone consultation?

If not I agree it might be worth trying to speak to the GP yourself. The GP won't be able to discuss your DH with you, but could listen to you and take it from there.

MyPeriodFeatures · 12/10/2016 08:35

He's been sexually aggressive to you, thrown a pen at your DS and bopped the other one with a broom.

He sounds unpredictable and not very safe to live with.

I think you telling him not to come home is a good thing, a very good thing.

I haven't mentioned his pain or health because this isn't your problem anymore, he's an adult. Your problem is a 6ft man is livin in your house and making you and your children confused and uncomfortable. Take care op and do get help. Your DH has crossed a line and unless you remove him from the house it will carry on. Flowers

NeedABanner · 12/10/2016 08:41

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's scary when someone you know & love starts acting completely out of character.

In your situation I would make a GP appointment for him.
I'd get a grandparent/good adult friend to babysit
I'd go out somewhere with him and tell him that although he might not realise it, he has changed & his behaviour is scaring you & the children. Tell him you are worried about him & that you need him to go to the GP with you & get things sorted out. If he says no, tell him in that case you are gong to get a taxi home and he is not to come home & that you will call the police if he does. Tell him you and the children are scared of him & if he won't get help you have no other option. Tell him you love him.

Good luck.

ZuleikaDobson · 12/10/2016 08:44

Does he have any relatives or friends you can talk to about his health? I'm wondering whether a brother or friend might do better at getting him to the doctor's because he won't want to show them that he's scared.

dowhatnow · 12/10/2016 08:47

How will it go if you talk to him tonight about the sex?

If you are scared of his reaction then you need to take steps to get him out of your life now, in a safe way. You might need to take a few days and make preparations - get documents together etc.

If you are not so scared of his reaction then you need a serious talk tonight, to say that you are on the verge of leaving unless he gets help and sorts himself out. It's ultimation time I'm afraid.

KitKats28 · 12/10/2016 08:47

I think it sounds like he is self-medicating somehow. I have a chronic pain disorder, and I have done a lot of research into legal prescription medications which might or might not help. I have also come across various illegal drugs which purport to help. I have not tried any of them, but I can see how someone might be tempted. Chronic pain is shit, and sometimes I would do literally anything to make it stop.

Alternatively, do you actually know for sure he hasn't been to his GP? It could be that he has been legitimately prescribed something that is messing with his moods.

Either way, to have such a marked personality change sounds like legal or illegal drugs.

CalmItKermitt · 12/10/2016 08:49

None of this is good at all and not is it excusable in any way.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 12/10/2016 08:55

op what he did to you last night in bed was degrading. He wasn't having sex with you - you just turned in some where to put his sperm. That's not the loving actions of a Dh making love to his wife.

If you feel it's massively out of character and you know him then yes, refuse to have him back in the house as you feel unsafe untill he has seen the GP.

In your position I'd be asking him not to come back at all after his behavour to your kids and then to you sexually later on.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 09:04

He sexually assaulted you. You would not be at all unreasonable to ask him to leave.

I think the link between pain/illness and abuse is an extremely tenuous one. Plenty of people have chronic pain and serious medical conditions and they would never sexually assault their partner or bully their children. So I hardly think a doctor is going to fix this.

It would be more helpful for you to go to the doctor and tell them your husband sexually assaulted you.

Is his behaviour really completely out of the blue? It might have got worse recently but it's likely that he showed signs of being a bully before - did he? These are some of the signs.

Original poster
onemoretimeagain · 12/10/2016 09:05

I have text him and asked if he would like to talk about last night and this morning . I dare not call him because I know he will just end up making me feel guilty about it.

He hasn't replied. Without him here I have no money- I have been a sahm for 10 years we have 6 children. I have no family of my own and the few friends I do have are not close enough for me to ask for this kind of help from.

Even this afternoon I have a gp appointment about my Dds excema and I'm thinking ok if he's not home then it means taking all 6 kids to the appointment Confused.

Also we were so happy! And tbh a lot of times we still are it's just odd days like yesterday he goes off.

OP posts:
HeyNannyNanny · 12/10/2016 09:09

so it wasn't awful it was just not something I would expect and I think unfriendly

No. What he did was sexual assault.
Being married doesn't change that.
You said no, and he held you down and forced you.
If he penetrated you in anyway than its rape. If not, sexual assault.

For this reason alone, YANBU.
The stuff with your kids is also an acceptable standalone reason.

Tbh the sexual assault thing is cause enough to get the police involved but I understand its more complicated than that.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 09:10

"I dare not call him because I know he will just end up making me feel guilty about it."

Well that's another big red flag for abuse, blaming you for his despicable behaviour towards you, instead of taking responsibility and apologising.

HeyNannyNanny · 12/10/2016 09:11

I dare not call him because I know he will just end up making me feel guilty about it.

onemoretimeagain are you sure you want to be with this man?
Are you sure that you're safe with him?

Original poster
onemoretimeagain · 12/10/2016 09:13

Ok he replied and said I'm overreacting . And I've blown it out of all proportion

OP posts:
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