AIBU to tell my dh not to come home until he agrees to see the doctor

[onemoretimeagain]

My dh has been in pain for a year. He has pains all over his joints - he did see a doctor who gave him an xray . The X-ray showed some issue with his hip and he was referred for an MRI he has since refused to go and refuse to go back to the doctor about anything.

His mood has been getting slowly more unpredictable - yesterday I had to step in numerous times because his behaviour towards our children was unacceptable bordering on bullying. In the evening we were having sex and he became extremely domineering and frightening when i refused a particular thing. I don't know how much detail I am allowed to go into on here but I am extremely upset about it.

We have been together 15 years this was not his personality up until a year ago. I really think there is something wrong with him but it's got to the point where i actually feel in danger now.

AIBU to let him go to work tomorrow and then tell him not to come back until he has started the process of getting help?

i feel in danger now

Our instincts are usually correct.

Op. Please please get some help. Whatever is 'wrong' your husband isn't safe to have at home. Please let us know you are ok

Op, I had awful joint pains before I had a thyroid condition diagnosed, my brother's thyroid fluctuates between over active and under active, which according to his wife, affected his moods.
It could be something as simple as this or (hopefully not) something more complicated.
Is there anyone in your circle of friends or family, who could speak to him on your behalf, would he accept the input of an "outsider"?

Speaking as a male who was taken seriously ill a couple of years ago......

I would imagine your husband is shit scared. He might have arthritis in his hip. In his head he has something terminal!

When I fell ill I refused to go to hospital. Even when the GP told me I could be dead within 24 hours if I didn't go I still ummed and arred! But at some point you have to give your head a wobble and get on with it.

But it's the old thing. You can lead a horse to water....

He is an adult and is responsible for himself. As his wife you're there to support him, be the shoulder to cry on and hand to hold. You're not there to be abused, shouted at or sexually assaulted. There's a huge difference being grumpy because of pain and being outright nasty.

I think you need to say how he has made you feel and what his behaviour has been like. If he doesn't take it on board then simply tell him if he doesn't get a grip and get his physical and mental health sorted you're out of his life.

When you're seriously ill, you appreciate your family more. This illness is killing me, and I'm buggered if I want to die alone because I've been an arse in the process.

Period features - at no point did I justify this persons awful behaviour. The op has repeatedly said that this is not the man she knew and it has come about over the last year. It sounds to me that something is very wrong with the man and he clearly needs to seek help. Nothing from my post made it sound like I thought his behaviour is acceptable. I also clearly stated that the op should take action to protect herself against it. Wtf are you on about?

OP, this sounds very worrying. Insist he gets help and I'd recommend being apart from him until you know what's going on. There is the man you love, and then there is whatever might be going on that might not be him anymore. Looking after your safety is for him, too -- if it is something fixable that is causing this, you don't want him to have to deal with whatever he might do while he 'not himself'. Right now it all sounds mild, but is very worrying because it is uncharacteristic. It could get worse.

I don't want to scare you, but I once knew a man who had a personality change and it turned out to be a brain tumour - he did not get help and things did not end well.

Hi op - a small thing to add to what others have said: speak to his GP. They a rematch allowed to tell you anything about him, but You are allowed to tell the GP about your DH and thy have to deal with that information appropriately. You need to tell the GP to get proactive and to ask about his mental health if/when he comes in

Bet of luck

'The y are not allowed' not 'theya rematch allowed'

The only case of personality change I've encountered was a relative who had a large, but benign, brain tumour and made a full recovery.
It isn't necessarily a problem that can't be fixed.

But I'm also wondering about MS as that can cause psychological changes.

I agree you need to get him, or you and the kids if necessary, out of the home as he sounds very unpredictable.

I can't believe how many people on this thread are fo using on OPs husbands health problems.

He's sexually assaulted her, yes holding someone down and masterbating over them IS sexual assault. He's minimised her feeling saying she's 'over reacting' by standing up to this.

He's thrown things and hit a child around the head with a broom,

OP says she is frightened and feels she may be in Danger.

I personally wouldn't give a shit what this mans health issues are. He has actively chosen not to address them, despite support, and is now being abusive.

His abusive behaviour isn't due to his medical condition it is due to his choices and complete disrespect for his wife and children. OP s first job is to get him out of the house and get her and her children safe

Period - a massive personality change is a clear sign that there is something wrong with him, be that mental or physical health problem. he was not always like this! If this was a man who had been abusive for years, I would completely agree with you, but it's not. This man has changed massively and that indicates that there is something wrong with him!

None of that makes the behaviour any more acceptable. I think you need to calm down and read what people are actually writing.

His abusive behaviour isn't due to his medical condition

How do you know this, because it might be? Im not sticking up for OP's DH either, it might well be "his choice" however there are conditions that can change someones personality and behaviour so of course his health is a concern.

Agree totally with MyPeriodFeatures post of 11:20.

Storm and Laguna ok so his condition may be causing him to act like this but he is minimising and making light of her complaints and won't see his GP.

2 red flags there.

Of course he is super, no-one has supported him regarding that. If he is refusing to seek help then OPs has her own choices whether to stay with him or not. Of course hes being abusive, if he recognised this it would be completely different. But you cant say his behaviour is not due to a medical condition or not, because hes refusing to seek help.

MyPeriodFeatures unfortunately there are serious conditions that can cause abusive behaviours. Any brain injury can cause it.

Brain tumours do cause major personality change. Sometimes you get "lucky" and the person becomes more passive, but often enough there can be horrendous behaviour which is very upsetting for the family as it's just odd and rude and mean and illogical and quite personal.

I would be concerned about a potential correlation between a shadow on a bone and a personality change.

Period
I agree with PP that his behaviour changes might have a medical cause. That is why we are asking if it really is a sudden change or a gradual worsening of something that has always been there.

A possible medical cause doesn't make his behaviour ok, it doesn't justify what he did, it doesn't make it acceptable for the OP to feel unsafe in her own home. The end result might be that they split up if he won't address any medical issues or they might split up because there is no reason for his behaviour other than he is an abusive arse. However, if there is an underlying medical issue that can be treated and her DH is prepared to seek treatment then that is something that should also be looked at.

Such a sudden personality change rings alarm bells for me, it could be something psychiatric or neurological. But your number one priority is you and your children's safety. You may not be able to force him to get help but you need to make sure you are safe.

oh I know that Laguna my stepdad suffered from mood swings for years and had his thyroid removed... he was moody before and after then but moods have improved a lot now (and since he retired at 60).

Stormwhale.

A man who's having a massive personality change due to neurological things does NOT

Tell his partner she is over reacting. Does not regularly make her feel guilty. If you look up thread she says 'I don't want to say anything because he'll make me feel guilty'

These are the insidious emotionally abusive behaviours that can go on and on for years and years before an actual event that it overt abuse happens.

It's about power and dominance. Abusive men may not be physically or overtly abusive for years, or ever. Changes in circumstances can trigger new abusive behaviours.

I think if OP looked at some of the literature on abusive relationships, I'm sorry to say, that she would recognise many tactics.

It's common for women in these situations to only see the good time. This is called the 'cycle of abuse'

I will hold my hands up if I'm wrong.

I was with my DH for 10 years and it took only a few overt incidents (though in hindsight there had been lots more which is brushed off, excused or whatever) to get out and much longer to realise I'd been abused for years.

Ive done courses and training and read and now do activism and campaigning. I speak with lots of women. This behaviour, as someone else said, is textbook.

If I'm wrong I'll happily eat my words.

Sorry OP. I know how hard it is to read this stuff. You are not alone and you will be amazed what you can do and achieve without him. Huge hug

Elspeth that was my feeling too. Either a cancer that has spread to the brain or mental health condition caused by living in pain and the fear of what would be found on an mri. Or it could be early onset dementia, an infection, an auto immune disease, or endless other conditions that cause massive personality change.

I will repeat for periods sake, none of this makes it any less awful, and it certainly doesn't make it acceptable to treat the op like this. Definitely not.

Period you are talking shit. My aunt has an autoimmune disease that is attacking her brain. She has lost periods of time, acted completely irrationally, hallucinated, had seizures, lost her memory etc etc. My uncle has asked her why she has done the things she has done (before she was diagnosed in the early stages) and she was adamant he was talking rubbish. You really don't have a clue what you are talking about.

Stormwhale.

I do know what I'm talking about. Sadly I do. I'm certain that there are many other women who would agree.

I'm not saying you are wrong, I hope you are not. I'm just saying it's unlikely you are right.

Stormfrorce

The guy is going to work.

If this behaviour was directly due to health, his work would be seeing it too.

He's saving it up for home.

Period you have taken what you want from the op and made a decision that he must be an abusive man, when actually the evidence points to many different causes for this. One possibility is that despite the op telling us that he has always been a good man, a good father and a loving husband, actually he is an abusive man and this is just how he wants to be. Seems unlikely.

More likely is that there is something wrong with him that has caused this massive change in personality. Can you yourself imagine your personality changing this much for no reason? Or just because you are a bit stressed? No? Me either. A mental or physical health problem seems much more likely.

yes he might have a neurological problem but how long does op have to sit back an take it

he refuses to see a gp refuses to acknowledge hes been unreasonable-what should she do