AIBU to tell my dh not to come home until he agrees to see the doctor

[onemoretimeagain]

My dh has been in pain for a year. He has pains all over his joints - he did see a doctor who gave him an xray . The X-ray showed some issue with his hip and he was referred for an MRI he has since refused to go and refuse to go back to the doctor about anything.

His mood has been getting slowly more unpredictable - yesterday I had to step in numerous times because his behaviour towards our children was unacceptable bordering on bullying. In the evening we were having sex and he became extremely domineering and frightening when i refused a particular thing. I don't know how much detail I am allowed to go into on here but I am extremely upset about it.

We have been together 15 years this was not his personality up until a year ago. I really think there is something wrong with him but it's got to the point where i actually feel in danger now.

AIBU to let him go to work tomorrow and then tell him not to come back until he has started the process of getting help?

He lying.
You have not overreacted nor have you blown it out of proportion.
He frightened you. Whether or not you being frightened is a reasonable reaction (though it absolutely is) your feelings and emotions are absolutely valid and as your husband he needs to respect that and respond appropriate - not dismiss them.

*he's lying. Damn phone bad English skills this morning and lack of coffee

He held you down & maturbated over you, no you're not over reacting.

Is this really new behaviour or a gradual escalation of something that has always been there?

If it is totally new behaviour then I would be worried. May be ring his GP and tell them your concerns. It could be a neurological problem.

If it is an escalation then telling him not to come home might well be the right thing to do but he might not like it and may react badly. You may need to take a bit of time to work out an "escape" plan to get out or get him out safely.

Honestly? I don't think you can make him go to the doctor

What you can do is decide that his behaviour towards you and the children crosses a line, and ask him to leave on a temporary or permanent basis. I also agree with others - last night was sexual assault.

Maybe phone women Aid for help and advice? I'm pretty sure that there are various benefits etc you would be entitled too if you left him, and TBH I think you should seriously consider sending this relationship.

There is a chance he is very very scared about what might be wrong with him and by refusing to face up to things you are all suffering as a result of his stress and anxiety. The crazy thing is it's possibly nothing very serious anyhow but just something that needs the right diagnosis and appropriate treatment. Having said this his behaviour is odd and dangerous so you are right to draw a line and get him to see a GP immediately.

You're not over reacting. If my husband was acting like this I would ask him to leave.

If he won't leave then you need to begin to formulate an exit plan.

Regardless of what is going on with his health, you need to prioritise a safe home for you and your children.

Apart from the hip pain, You seem to be describing a significant personality change. This might have a medical cause.
: neurological eg head injury, infection, Parkinson's, tumour
: hormonal eg thyroid, adrenal.
: psychiatric,

Difficult if he can't/won't attend. Do you have conversations? Can you say that you are worried about him and would like to see the dr with him for reassurance. Then speak to the dr first outlining the changes and the timeline.

I would go and see the GP and explain your concerns.
I don't want to worry you but I don't like the fact the refused to do the MRI (I suspect he was scared of the result) and that his behaviour changed drastically.
His change of behaviour could well be the sign of a very serious illness. And I have never seen the NHS asking for an MRI unless they think there is something to investigate.
When you see the GP, please tell him about the fact you are worried about your own safety and mention the sex thing too.

And no you are not over reacting. He frightened you and then stopped you from moving until he 'finished' aka he finished getting his own pleasure masturbating. I suspect this could go into the 'sexual assault' category.

I appreciate that being on your own with 6 dcs is a frightening prospect. But either he has become a twat of the worse type and you cannot let your dcs (and you!) live in that environment where they are being bullied by their own father.
Or he is Serioulsy ill.
Either way, you need to look at what you can do to support the family now too.

Agree with mayhew, it is possible he will accept to go with you to the GP for YOUR reassurance. If you see the GP first, he/she will be able to direct the conversation 'the right way'.
They will also be able to give you some more information or where you can get some support.

If he is ill and is refusing treatment, it will be really hard to deal with. But it doesn't mean you should just put up with it either....

Text him 'Please don't minimalise things. I was held down while you finished off. You've also been chucking pens at X and tapping x's heads. Non of this is acceptable and you clearly need help'

You're not over reacting. He sexually assaulted you.

Is this really completely new or has he been getting gradually more and more controlling?

You can't make him attend an appointment, but you can make one for yourself and tell them everything. Write it down if you find some of it - like the sexual side - hard to talk about.

I would send this text then say no more:

"No, I am not overreacting. Fix whatever is making you behave like this. I am getting seriously pissed off with it. If you are being like this because of the hip pain and your fears about that MRI you've been avoiding, you know I will help you."

This happened to my DF not to frighten you but he went a bit loopy and had a very short fuse this went on for months we thought he was having some sort of mid life crisis ran away with an OW and all sorts he had a brain haemorrhage not long after (he's fine now) but that's why he was the way he was according to specialist his wires were connected properly and there was too much pressure in his brain it also happened to another family member and that's how he was first took to the gp with personality changes , I would speak to his gp asap

onemoretimeagain so you challenged him on this and instead of realising he scared his wife and the mother of his kids.... he told you that you were overreacting?! Jeez. He held you down FFS... and the staring is beyond strange as well.

I know it's hard to read some of the comments on the thread. Realising that your husband's actions are NOT normal and the fear of parenting on your own is big, and scary. But if you won't take action for your own sake then do it for your kids - do you want them to see THIS as a model of what marriage looks like. If you let pen throwing/bopping on the head slide, what's next?

So you have to choose:

1. Keep allowing his behaviour to be brushed under the carpet and allow him to tell you you're overreacting to each incident (you're not btw... and you really don't have to put up with it!)

1. Get him out. Have a chat with women's aid. He is being sexually coercive and violent towards the children. Each of these would be a valid reason to get help but both? Get help now. The number for women's aid is 0808 2000 247. There is a website here

Abuse isn't just about being hit. It's about being scared and anyone who'd been held down and then told that they were overreacting would feel scared. Please call and take the first step. They can advise you on how to keep him out.

Chronic pain is awful but if he won't seek treatment that is NOT a reason to hold his wife down and hit the kids. Him attempting to excuse such behaviour instead of being mortified, apologising and getting to the doctor would be it, the end. You don't have to put up with your life being this way. >

You arent over-reacting, not at all.

Without him here I have no money

Not so. You would be entitled to benefits, and he would be liable to maintain you and the children. Talk to Women's Aid or the CAB about that. Of course, splitting up is not the first resort - getting him to accept treatment is. But it will make you stronger in any discussions to know that you have alternatives.

OP, it just occurred to me but is there any possibility your DH could be suffering from hypercalcaemia? The hip pain and change in personality rang a couple of bells with me. Does he ever seem confused, or tired?

Hang on, all you'd said was 'do you want to talk about last night?' And - before even finding out what the nature or degree of your concern was - he told you you were overreacting. Is that right?

So, your having ANY reaction at all was an overreaction.

You do not get to question him, even offer him space to talk to you about his feelings. He decides what is important, what matters and what is right. Any discussion is at his instigation only. You submit.

Is that your life? Is that the life you want?

He's attacked you in bed and done something you did not consent to, threatening you with aggressive tones and behaviour. This will escalate. He is also beginning to enjoy provoking the children by throwing things at them and 'lightly' hitting them with household items. He is pushing the boundaries to see what he can get away with.

"You're over-reacting" and "you're crazy" and "this is all in your head" and "you're nuts, everyone says so" are the common phrases that are trotted out by men like this. It's like they have a little handbook somewhere.

This sounds like something that will escalate. I don't really think there's even any room for discussion - what can you do, sit him down and re-educate him as to what consensual sex is, or how children should be treated? Man's a dick, pain or no pain. He wants to throw his family away, show him the door - you'll be stronger without him and the fear he brings.

Was about to say what lottie said. If you did just say you wanted to talk about it and his response was, without asking, that you're overreacting raises massive red flags. It also shows he knows full well what he did was wrong, but he's going to attempt to blame it all on you.

Have you thought about talking to Women's Aid about this? Even just for someone to talk to who can run through options you have if you chuck him out.

Op I have a horrible feeling about this. I think there might be something seriously wrong with him. He is either having a mental breakdown/is seriously mentally ill or there is something physically wrong with his brain.

If you can't make him get help immediately, you need to take steps to protect yourself. Now.

Stormwhale. Why are you justifyling this mans abusive behaviour?

When a woman is basically sexually assaulted by her own husband who is asserting his dominance in ways which hurt and harm, suggesting the woman take action to 'make him better'. Because he's ill is so many kinds of wrong.

Yes, there is a slim chance this may be the case but her priority is keeping her and her children safe.

As one who KNOWS if you do nothing to get your husband away from you and your children now there is a very high chance this can escalate. When it does agencies can get involved and you will have a lot of problems on your hands if you then fail to act.

A man who minimises your feeling after doing what he did to you in bed is abusive. Abusive first, I'll second.

I wish you and your DC well OP.

OP I'm really concerned for you and your DCs safety.
Whether or not your H thinks you are overreacting means bugger all so long as you are keeping yourselves safe. Stuff what he thinks, its not important.
What's important is him getting help for a situation which seems to only be escalating. There is no predicting what may happen next.
It really set alarm bells ringing for me when you said he just stared at you while getting dressed this morning.
He seems to be becoming very cold.