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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my dh not to come home until he agrees to see the doctor

148 replies

onemoretimeagain · 12/10/2016 05:13

My dh has been in pain for a year. He has pains all over his joints - he did see a doctor who gave him an xray . The X-ray showed some issue with his hip and he was referred for an MRI he has since refused to go and refuse to go back to the doctor about anything.

His mood has been getting slowly more unpredictable - yesterday I had to step in numerous times because his behaviour towards our children was unacceptable bordering on bullying. In the evening we were having sex and he became extremely domineering and frightening when i refused a particular thing. I don't know how much detail I am allowed to go into on here but I am extremely upset about it.

We have been together 15 years this was not his personality up until a year ago. I really think there is something wrong with him but it's got to the point where i actually feel in danger now.

AIBU to let him go to work tomorrow and then tell him not to come back until he has started the process of getting help?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2016 11:55

These are the insidious emotionally abusive behaviours that can go on and on for years and years before an actual event that it overt abuse happens

Yes I do understand what emotional abuse is. Except here the OP has said this

My dh has been in pain for a year
We have been together 15 years this was not his personality up until a year ago

I have no clue if its something medical causing the problems, but it cant be ruled out at this stage.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/10/2016 11:56

Period
How do you know there haven't been problems in work?

LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2016 11:57

super

Thats good that things have improved!

Stormwhale · 12/10/2016 11:58

Gabs - she doesn't. Not for a second. I feel that she should ask him to leave, and stay apart while he sorts himself out.

LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2016 11:58

As to what OP should do? Its difficult, if not impossible to force someone to seek medical help if they dont think there is anything wrong or are too scared to face up to this possibility. So I dont know.

LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2016 11:59

But if it was me I would have to separate, its no way to live. I agree with Stormwhale.

justgivemeamo · 12/10/2016 11:59

op apologies if I have missed it but have you told him how you feel, I am not sure I would admit to feeling scared mind you with his current behaviour but how you feel worried - and cant handle him at the moment and for hte sake of all you you would like him to get checked out.

it sounds v worrying.

fluffypacman · 12/10/2016 12:01

I echo what elspeth has said. The shadow on the hip and personality change is very worrying. He needs an MRI ASAP. His choice to do this or not, your choice whether to accept him as he is.

In the interim his behaviour is unacceptable and it's your choice how to proceed. You've been scared and abused by him and that should tell you all you need to know about what to do next.

MyPeriodFeatures · 12/10/2016 12:02

I don't know. I don't have a clue TBH. Neither do you. We are just taking what we are reading and making a judgement on that basis.

Work could be a problem. If abusive behaviour was as as it is at home then certainly it would be.

Who knows. OP is living with a man who is/has become abusive.

GingerIvy · 12/10/2016 12:02

As the DH has apparently shown repeatedly to the OP that he will do what he wants regardless (hence "wall of man"), rather than forcing herself into a confrontation with him and putting herself and her children at risk, perhaps her best option is to temporarily relocate to a friend or relatives house nearby (if possible). She doesn't need to tell him who they are staying with, and she can simply say that until he addresses these concerns, they cannot be with him as they are scared of him and his behaviour. Yes, it's more disruptive to her and her children, but safer, I would think.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 12/10/2016 12:02

The thing about it possibly being an illness (tumour, thyroid etc) rather than him choosing to be an abusive arse that the OP needs to be aware that he could get more and more irrational.

It would be much safer to separate from him until he gets medical help, if he does have some kind of progressive neurological impairment ( and given he's had a massive and very scary personality change recently it can't be ruled out at this stage)

You don't want to wake up to him trying to strangle you as part of some hallucination or something. this to someone I know, but the difference was if that case the ill person was physically smaller. The danger with your situation is you have no chance against him. Protect yourself, protect your children. Cut him lose till he gets help.

GingerIvy · 12/10/2016 12:04

The recent staring episode to me is very worrying - it seems rather predatory or detached, like he's not viewing her as "wife, loved one" but "specimen, enemy." Yes, it's an assumption, but if he is detaching from her in that way, that places OP and the children in more danger.

StStrattersOfMN · 12/10/2016 12:07

Sorry Period, but you are wrong. My DMIL has Alzheimer's, and until recently she was more than capable of maintaining the illusion of normality in front of others, it was only us, her family, who saw what the disease was doing to her.

Even now, she can be beingcompletely irrational and deluded, but if you put her on the phone to me (she often demands DH calls me when she's upset) I can have a completely rational, and quite lengthy conversation with her. The only hint there's anything wrong would be that she repeats herself a lot, and gets stuff muddled - nothing particularly unusual for an elderly person.

MyPeriodFeatures · 12/10/2016 12:09

You think I'm wrong.

lougle · 12/10/2016 12:10

Do you feel able to go to the GP today about your eczema and tell them your DH's history? They would listen and would act.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/10/2016 12:10

I think we all agree that whatever the cause the OP and children should not remain in this situation, her DH's behaviour is scaring her with good reason.
My main concern is that if she simply tells him not to come home, how will he react? I think she needs support to come up with a plan that allows her to distance herself and the DC as safely as possible. OP I would contact Women's Aid to get some support and help with working out an escape plan. In the meantime you can speak to your DH's GP and let them know that you are worried about his deteriorating behaviour.

kali110 · 12/10/2016 12:11

Completely agree with storm.
I had a relative whose behaviour changed quite dramatically, suddenly.
they were very ill Sad
It doesn't excuse it at all.
I live with pain.
Before i knew what was going on i could be quite short with family, friends. It's depressing.
Doesn't mean the op should put up with it though.
If he is ill unfortunately there's only so much she can do if he doesn't want/can't help himself.
If you speak to a gp regarding your worries for him i don't think they sound enough for them to be concerned.
I woukd worry if op locks him out would he try to get back in?

MyPeriodFeatures · 12/10/2016 12:12

before I knew what was going on I could be quite short with people

He held her down and sexually assaulted her.

Ffs

justgivemeamo · 12/10/2016 12:19

ginger I agree with the starring, I think op needs to keep him calm, never refer to him as wall of man in front of him - dont do anything that reinforces the idea he may be more powerful than them.

tell him she loves him etc and keeps him calm until she can sort out what to do.

HeyNannyNanny · 12/10/2016 12:20

I agree with my period features
Whilst an illness may effect his behaviour making him irrational and aggressive suddenly - it would not make him sly or manipulative.
An act of aggression is very different to an act of manipulation - manipulation is clever and thought out.
People with altzeimers certainly act differently for periods of time and may lash out, or say nasty things... But they don't gas light afterwards. At least not because of their illness.

The DHs sexual abuse is unacceptable - but possibly could be because of illness.
His attitude to it afterwards is 100% him.

HeyNannyNanny · 12/10/2016 12:22

And even it is WAS because of illness (and illness may be increasing the behaviour, it could be a middle ground) he is still committing a crime (sexual abuse) and behaving dangerously and irresponsibility.

One's health does not excuse a crime.

liletsthepink · 12/10/2016 12:25

I agree with myperiodfeatures.This man may or not be ill, but he is definitely being abusive. His behaviour is extremely alarming so, whatever the reason, OP needs to keep herself and her DC safe from harm.

Op, I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.

LagunaBubbles · 12/10/2016 12:26

One's health does not excuse a crime

No-one on this thread has said it does.

murmuration · 12/10/2016 12:43

The thing about it possibly being an illness (tumour, thyroid etc) rather than him choosing to be an abusive arse that the OP needs to be aware that he could get more and more irrational.

This. I'm a bit confused by why there seems to be an argument, because the health thing is very relevant because it could make things even more dangerous. You've got no clue who you're dealing with here, and no way to gauge potential levels of threat - there is no script one might guess at, as normal behaviour (even normal abusive behaviour) has been thrown out the window.

Here what strikes me especially is some of the 'uncharacteristic' things are things that really wouldn't be an issue if they weren't uncharacteristic - playfully tossing things at the dinner table isn't a particularly adult thing to do, but in some families it might just be Dad being goofy. Here it is unprecedented, and coupled with other uncharacteristic more distressing behaviours suggests one has no idea what boundaries might be crossed.

I don't think anyone mentioning the health issues is saying ignore it and stay with him. At the least I'm saying to get safe first, then look into getting him help. I suppose one could ignore the last step, but that could be dangerous too if he spirals out of control.

ScaredFuture99 · 12/10/2016 12:49

Let's imagine for a second that this guy actually had a cancer in his spine which gave him all the hip problems. And that that cancer has spread to the brain and is changing his behaviour (OP please note it's just as an example, I am NOT saying that this what your DH has!! Do not worry about possible diagnosis until he has seen his GP and/or you have talked to them about his behaviour)
So here is someone who is really really ill and cannot control that behaviour.
What would you suggest? For the op to leave him? Whilst he is battling a cancer that has spread and even though he has always been a very nice person?

What you would in that situation is to support your DH, ensure that there is something in place to protect you avec the dcs. But you wouldn't leave him would you? Even if that behaviour could be classed as abusive.
You might decide to stop having sex though...

That's why it's essential to try and understand what is going on for him health wise.
I actually think that the ultimatum of not coming back home until he has seen a GP (with you!) might actually be a good one.
A d if he isn't ill then you also know where you stand.

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