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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if a married man can have a platonic relationship with an unmarried woman

69 replies

FindingNemoAgain · 10/10/2016 23:45

to the extent that he feels the need to hide their texts and msgs from wife saying he was worried his wife would mind / feel jealous about the friendship?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/10/2016 23:46

Nope

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 10/10/2016 23:46

The moment he started hiding anything he knew he was doing wrong.

MillionToOneChances · 10/10/2016 23:47

Depends to some extent whether the wife has form for being jealous of his platonic friendships? I have two male friends I haven't so much as snogged in 20+ years. If their partners were irrationally worried, they might hide messages for a quiet life.

Freedom2016 · 10/10/2016 23:50

Hiding is a no no.

Nonewnameideas · 10/10/2016 23:51

Can you give more detail? It's hard to say from what you've posted whether he's being secretive or just avoiding nosiness.

TheCatsMother99 · 10/10/2016 23:52

In my experience, if you've got nothing to hide you won't. Hiding insinuates something shouldn't be going on.

ladylanky · 10/10/2016 23:53

Married men can have platonic friendships with anyone, it's very common and everyone just about manages not to have sex with everyone else.
If my husband was hiding texts from me, or I felt compelled to hide texts from him I'd worry about our marriage rather than any freindships we might have.

dovesong · 10/10/2016 23:56

I have a friend who doesn't tell his wife when he's meeting up with me. We're 100% platonic and always have been. I don't fancy him in the least and I met him before he met his wife so I imagine he would have made a move on me then if he was attracted to me. I think the problem must be with her and their relationship and not my friendship with him. We are absolutely platonic and whatever issues she might have are nothing to do with me. I've always been friendly and polite to her when we've seen each other in group settings. It's very odd but I just meet up with my friend and talk books, music etc, and don't get involved in whatever's going on with them.

leaveittothediva · 10/10/2016 23:57

How about No......

QueenLizIII · 11/10/2016 00:00

to the extent that he feels the need to hide their texts and msgs from wife saying he was worried his wife would mind / feel jealous about the friendship?

Not if he hid it no. I did have a purely platonic friendship with a MM. His wife knew all about me and used to talk to me too. There was NOTHING between the MM and I. No interest from either of us. Anything other than that is off.

ThinkPinkStink · 11/10/2016 00:01

What ladylanky said...

Can a married man and an unmarried woman have a platonic relationship? 10/10 yes (and vice versa).

Should a married person hide their opposite sex (or equivalent) friendships from their spouse? 10/10 no.

Redglitter · 11/10/2016 00:04

I have 2 very platonic very married male friends but our friendship is totally above board. If we're meeting for a coffee their wife would know about it. If they became secretive about our meetings then they'd stop

SaggyNaggy · 11/10/2016 00:05

When I was married I wasn't allowed female friends. If I even swapped numbers with a female colleague my wife would do her nut. accuse me of cheating, calling me all sorts of names etc.

I accepted a friends request of an old high school friend who I hadn't seen for 15 years. She went that ballistic and made my life such a misery that I ended up deleting FB altogether.

one reason i'm glad shes my ex.

So, yes I believe married men can have platonic relationships. The hiding? in a perfect world it wouldn't be necessary, if hes married to a paranoid and jealous woman though? I could see the justification tbh.

botanically · 11/10/2016 00:05

What do the messages actually say? If the content is platonic then I don't really see the issue. It is entirely possible that someone, man or woman, would hide something from their partner if they thought their partner would willfully misinterpret it/overreact (I'm not saying you would, just that it's possible).

Of course communicating openly with your partner is preferable but sometimes it's easier just to hide things you know will set them off.

Equally it's possible they're hiding it for a nefarious reason, there's really no one answer that fits all circumstances.

Liiinoo · 11/10/2016 00:19

My DH is very matey with a female ex-colleague. I am fine with it as she accompanies him to various events that would bore me to death as well as attending various family functions. I wouldn't be quite so fine with it if I ever found out he was hiding stuff from me.

Pikawhoo · 11/10/2016 00:23
  1. Yes, it's perfectly possible for a married man to have a platonic friendship with an unmarried woman.
  1. Lying to your spouse isn't normal or ok.
  1. Without knowing more detail about the history, it's hard to say what's wrong, but there is clearly a problem in the relationship.
Bogeyface · 11/10/2016 00:26

"I deleted those messages because I knew you would get the wrong idea"
"I didnt have the wrong idea until I realised that you were deleting those messages"

I didnt have the wrong idea at all. Took me a year of almost losing my mind to prove it though.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/10/2016 00:32

My ex-h had a 10 year platonic "friendship" that I knew exactly nothing about until her husband was killed and they immediately fell in love and moved in together. The end.

Like fuck was that a platonic friendship. I can't say it doesn't happen but if anybody's hiding anything or deleting anything then it's dodgy (in my bitterly painful and horrific experience). Sorry.

ClaudiaJean2016 · 11/10/2016 00:34

Men and women can have those friendships. But those friendships don't involve hiding things.

Flyingbellycopters · 11/10/2016 01:02

If truly platonic then the only reason for hiding would be if confidences being broken or the wife being discussed by husband to the friend. I've got 2 partic close male friends and had for years and various times we have been in serious relationships or single and they have done this. They have both asked for advice on women in past inc those now their wives which could be for good reasons and bad. For example one shared break up nightmare with me then couple years later after they got back together asked if I thought engagement plan sounded like it would work.
Hiding texts because you'd get jealous? No. you're either unreasonably jealous and he knows that and can't be arsed with a row or he's hiding because he has something to hide.

jeeperzcreeperz · 11/10/2016 01:05

omg TheFormidableMrsC that's totally shit. i'm so sorry

Original poster
FindingNemoAgain · 11/10/2016 01:05

I too believe you can have platonic friendships with the opposite sex but that also it can be tempting to go further (the latter does not apply to this situation, I'm just saying in general). Long story short - dh away with work with a female colleague who works in a different office abroad. Comes back home. By chance I had to look up something quickly for our ds and grabbed his phone which revealed that he's been googling things like how to add a password to whatsapp and similar. He also wouldn't normally go to work the next day (can wfh) but did this time. Turns out he deleted all msg between them as well as he esp went to work so he could meet up this colleague for lunch (she's here overnight before flying back home). She's half his age. He says he was worried I wouldn't approve. I'm just offended that he'd think that I would even contemplate them flirting with each other considering the age gap. I am confused tbh

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 11/10/2016 01:07

I would hope that they can as most of my male friends are married now and I'm terminally single it's weird that we can't still be friends... I know I wouldn't do anything though.

In one instance the wife was Hmm but that was problems in their relationship that had fuck all to do with me.

Feeling like an echo, but it's the hiding that's the no, unless as SaggyNaggy points out there are jealousy and control issues but I would be really Shock and Hmm if a male friend said our meet ups were a secret

jeeperzcreeperz · 11/10/2016 01:10

I was going to continue. I have 2 proper male friends rather than just acquaintances. 1 has a fiancee who is a toxic hot mess drama queen so I suspect that if we were to meet up for lunch for example he would probably not mention it to her however my other mate has an awesome girlfriend and the kind of relationship where phones are interchangeable and nothing secret. I might text him and get a response on his behalf from her. so friendships can be platonic but hiding anything is of course suspect

Original poster
FindingNemoAgain · 11/10/2016 01:13

Jeeperz- just out of interest - do you put xxx when you exchange texts?

OP posts:
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