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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if a married man can have a platonic relationship with an unmarried woman

69 replies

FindingNemoAgain · 10/10/2016 23:45

to the extent that he feels the need to hide their texts and msgs from wife saying he was worried his wife would mind / feel jealous about the friendship?

OP posts:
jeeperzcreeperz · 11/10/2016 01:16

FindingNemoAgain I don't approve of your husbands actions - it's unlikely they've had time to do anything unless preplanned but he's entering the headspace of someone detaching themselves from their real life

Bogeyface · 11/10/2016 01:21

So there was nothing like this until he went away and now he is hiding things?

He knows you wouldnt approve because what he has done is something that no wife (or husband for that matter) would approve of.

I always think that if you need to hide something, its because there is something to hide.

Sorry :(

jeeperzcreeperz · 11/10/2016 01:22

FindingNemoAgain no way! my mate with the dodgy fiancee is a guy I've known a long time and we spend time in a group too, we've had plenty of love you like a bro/ sis drunken nights but no xxxs on texts ever

for the record i think it's fine for you to tell your husband you are not OK with any of this

Bogeyface · 11/10/2016 01:31

Tell him that if there is really nothing in it then you would like to call her from his phone and see what she says about it. You will not need to call her.

His reaction will say everything. Whatever he says will be to stop you calling her. He may say "Fine, ok call her then!" assuming you wont, but you must keep it going as he will crack first. He will not want you to talk to her.

Then you give him one chance to tell you the truth otherwise you will have no choice but to find it out for yourself. You wont get the whole truth but you will get enough to be able to work out the rest for yourself.

oldlaundbooth · 11/10/2016 01:34

Surprise surprise, she's half his age. Let me guess, she's gorgeous too. And single and flirty. Hmm.

They never make friends with the old guy from accounts, do they? No kisses on texts to him eh?

oldlaundbooth · 11/10/2016 01:36

'I'm just offended that he'd think that I would even contemplate them flirting with each other considering the age gap.'

So you think he wouldn't flirt with someone half his age? Confused

Bogeyface · 11/10/2016 01:40

They never make friends with the old guy from accounts, do they? No kisses on texts to him eh?

Funny that.

So you think he wouldn't flirt with someone half his age?

She didnt, because she trusted him. She assumed that as they are bother (say) 40, that they were at the same stage in life and didnt need to sniff around younger models.

Mid life crises are a cliche, for a reason.

Bogeyface · 11/10/2016 01:40

both*

Original poster
FindingNemoAgain · 11/10/2016 01:52

OK, the xxx go back 10 years ago when a similar thing happened, only she was his age then and he convinced me they were just friends. He told me I misinterpreted his msgs then and that putting xxx at the end is normal between good friends. He gets emotionally attached to 'needy' people. I honestly think there was never any sexual contact. But should I feel sorry for him or myself that is the question. ..

OP posts:
kali110 · 11/10/2016 02:16

saggynaggy LOVE the name! Yep, i too have had the jealous ex where it's just easier to not say who i'm meeting/talking too.
Sometimes the reason or not disclosing is innocent ( easier life, nothing to do with stepping Out).
(Not insinuating you are though op).

What's wrong with putting xx at the end of txts? I do in all of mine to everybody Confused

SaggyNaggy · 11/10/2016 07:06

kali SaggyNaggy is a very minor character in Family Guy but a I'm approaching 40 I'm becoming both saggy and naggy. Grin

Any who back on topic.
Ops OHs actions seems to be hiding far more that a few texts. Wattsapp password for example. I don't know what wattapp is but I believe its a messaging app of some sort.

Its I retesting though that it happened 10 years ago with some one else. Why happened woith that OP? Did it lead to arguments, paranoia or jealousy etc.
It may be that he's remembering how you reacted last time and is lying to avoid that this time iyswim?

As for XXX at the end of texts or befriending Grandpa John from accounts. I have a male friend I made at work who actually did work in accounts and he ends every text he sends with Xx no matter who its too. I don't think it necessarily equates to anything untoward.

FleurThomas · 11/10/2016 07:24

Something's definitely fishy if he's deleting messages. I think you should just flat out ask why he's being so secretive.

BabyGanoush · 11/10/2016 07:28

Sure, it is possible.

But then the normal thing to do would be to introduce wife and friend, and socialise as friends.

The weird thing to do would be to keep messages secret, meet up for romantic dinners and whatnot

WooWooChooChoo · 11/10/2016 07:36

My husband has friends who are female but, to be honest, after being married so long they are my friends too. He would never try and hide his correspondence from me that is what makes your husband look guilty I'm afraid.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/10/2016 07:39

Of course it's possible. I'm friends with a few men some of which are engaged or taken.

I don't need to hide the messages from dp bit dp doesn't look tbh anyway.

I'm quite crude with all my friends we will openly make Jokes/banter about alot of things. Dp knows about that and isn't bothered. If I met someone else I can't say I wouldn't hide it as despite the fact I've always talked like that and the fact that we are friends allows us to "safely" talk like that knowing it's nothing, it might be a bit much fir someone else a bit more paranoid and suspicious.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/10/2016 07:40

But then some people are nut jobs where you can't even glance in the same direction as someone without shagging them so I can understand hiding it tbh.

ilovelamp82 · 11/10/2016 07:42

Platonic friendship, yes. Hiding messages, no.

ayeokthen · 11/10/2016 07:42

Yes to being able to have a platonic relationship, but no to it being at the point where he's hiding messages. That's not platonic.

AyeAmarok · 11/10/2016 07:46

I agree if he's deleting messages he's got something to hide. And that is rarely for an innocent reason. He's writing stuff in those messages that he knows you wouldn't be happy about, and it's something worse than "xxx"

DownTownAbbey · 11/10/2016 07:50

I used to be fine with my exH having female friends. we we're friends with a couple and he joined a gym with the wife. I was fine with it. Turns out I was an idiot. If any one would have told me exH would do that to me I'd have said you were mad.

OP he may be out to get his ego stroked or be on a fishing trip. The going in to work to see her when he could work from home is in itself highly suspicious.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/10/2016 07:51

Given the people I have worked with who call or check up on partners several time a shift and even get pissed off when they have male friends over in case one of the male friends brings a female friend over and she's not there. I can understand hiding messages

Chocolate123 · 11/10/2016 07:51

My ex had a platonic relationship with a woman he worked with plenty of secret messages and meetings. He now lives with her. If he's hiding things it's not right.

Andrewofgg · 11/10/2016 07:52

My DSF did but it was not a secret from my DM.

SoupDragon · 11/10/2016 07:55

I have platonic friendships with 2 married men and am single. We share a hobby.

I have no idea whether they hide texts or emails from their wives though. That would be odd i think.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/10/2016 08:01

Yes a mm can be friends with a single woman but the fact he deleted messages sounds dodgy

I often put xx at end of texts