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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if a married man can have a platonic relationship with an unmarried woman

69 replies

FindingNemoAgain · 10/10/2016 23:45

to the extent that he feels the need to hide their texts and msgs from wife saying he was worried his wife would mind / feel jealous about the friendship?

OP posts:

shovetheholly · 11/10/2016 08:13

DH and I operate on the principle that, if something has to be hidden from the other person, we probably shouldn't be doing it. We both have full access to each others phones, emails etc (not as a policy but because this is way, way more convenient for us in the way we run our lives). In the vast majority of cases, I'd say that a person who is having to hide stuff from a spouse is probably doing wrong.

HOWEVER - that said - I do know a woman who is pathologically jealous. Her husband ends up hiding everything from her, because she is so utterly irrational. So it does depend a bit and there can be circumstances where people start to become secretive as a way of dealing with unreasonable behaviour. (For the record, I don't think this is a good way of dealing with it!!)

TheNaze73 · 11/10/2016 08:23

Of course they can.

Enkopkaffetak · 11/10/2016 08:53

I have a platonic male friend. Dh knows him he was one of the first of my friends he was introduced to (as back then we were close) I got introduced to his new girlfriend on the same "date" 20 years on we are now both married to that boy and girlfriend we were introducing the other too that day.

I have sporadic contact with him. Sometimes we communicate a lot other times a year can go with no contact. I met up with him for the first time in 12 years about a month ago. It was utterly amazing to hug him and hold him.. We spent 2 hours talking and catching up and off he went again.

His wife knows I speak w her more than him these days (she is lovely) DH knows as well However I do not specifically say to him " I spoke with B today "or " B and I had a phone call today" Just because I don't see 1the need to. B has a tendency to phone if I send a text. So I may as I did in August, send one saying DD2 got her GCSE results went good got into A levels she wanted, how did it go for you? Instead of texting back he will phone.

I often end my texts to him xxx means nothing bar the fact I acknowledge he is someone I care a great deal about.

We could have had a relationship if we wanted. For years he and I were close and there were periods where neither he nor I had any romantic relationships. However thats not how either of us sees the other. (no passes have ever been made. He is my oldest Godfather my dear dear friend and frankly I am just happy he is happy in his marriage and that I have a close friend. I would make the assumption dh felt that way about him too.

user1466690252 · 11/10/2016 08:57

Its the hiding that's worrying. Sh has a friend he meets for tea now and again. Known her since uni, just friends 100%.she's nice I like her. She tells him hes an arse at times when he needs another womans perspective. Ive always known about her tho and met her and shes just the same as his male friends. If anything was hidden It qould seriously inpact pur marriage

APlaceOnTheCouch · 11/10/2016 09:20

There's no need for hiding and it's very manipulative to hide something and then try to justify it on 'fear of the other person's reaction'. Oddly enough the men I know who complain of their partners being jealous are the ones who give their partners good reason to be jealous by hiding inappropriate friendships with women.
Personally if any of my male friends suddenly felt they had to hide our friendship from their wives, that's where our friendship would end.
I have friends who end all their texts to both sexes with 'xxx'. It's a habit not an indication of affection. But there are others who only use it when they mean it. I'm guessing you'll know which of those descriptions matches your DH.

Blueskyrain · 11/10/2016 09:46

I've lost many good platonic friendships with male friends because their girlfriends struggled with jealousy, and made life very difficult. Generally I think being secretive about these things is a bad idea, but there are also a lot of overly clingy partners out there, and I understand why some people may find that secrecy is the easier course of action. Doesn't make it right though, just easier.

benbry · 11/10/2016 09:53

I know several women who have platonic long term male friends. In every case the man would like more if it was on offer, so the cynical side of me thinks that it is often the woman who keeps it platonic.

BowieFan · 11/10/2016 09:53

Two answers here:

Yes, it's possible for a married man to have a friendship with an unmarried woman. DP works with an unmarried woman and she is one of his best friends and our DCs love her and call her "Aunty", I think she's great too.

If he's hiding the 'friendship' from you, then I think something else is going on and that's not OK.

BowieFan · 11/10/2016 09:55

I get on with DP's female friend like a house on fire. Sometimes it's good to know there's someone else who will tell DP he's being a gobshite.

IrenetheQuaint · 11/10/2016 10:09

I am a single woman with some married male friends. I have a few personal rules for these friendships: 1) I always make an effort to be friends with the wives too (easy as they're all lovely), 2) there is zero secrecy on either side and 3) I never say (in person or in messages) anything I'd be unhappy for the wife to see or hear.

If I got any sense that the husband was hiding our friendship from his wife I would dial it down asap.

TheFormidableMrsC · 11/10/2016 10:10

I think it's the hiding things, applying passwords where there were none before, that sort of thing that raises suspicion. As soon as I realised that I couldn't get onto the i-pad and he was locking his phone, I knew something was up. I also think my ex-h had his "friend's" name under a male name judging by a really dodgy message I saw one day which he laughed off as banter between him and a male friend. I was so ridiculously naive about it really, looking back.

In reverse, my ex-h was very very jealous of any males I knew, even in passing. Yet it wasn't me locking phones, computers, hiding names .

I hate to say it OP, but I think you've probably caught your husband out. Really now is the time for a full and frank and if this woman is half his age, it is unlikely, IMO, to be just a friendship. He may be having a massive MLC, it may just be a flirtation, but whatever, it has to be faced up to and dealt with. I am sorry you're going through this...

Secretmetalfan · 11/10/2016 10:16

Perfectly possible for them to have a platonic relationship. What needs looking at is the hiding of the messages. Is this because the wife will throw a strop at the meeting/contact because of jealousy or insecurity and it's just easier for husband to say nothing? Or is the relationship not platonic at all? Or maybe the friend is confiding in the man and has asked him not to tell anyone?

Discobabe · 11/10/2016 10:31

It's possible, but hiding messages suggests it's probably not platonic.

If you have a relationship where jealousy/cheating etc has never previously been an issue he has no reason to hide stuff from you. Likewise you have every reason to be suspicious of the fact he now is and every reason to trust your instincts if they something is off.

c3pu · 11/10/2016 11:08

Those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear.

blueturtle6 · 11/10/2016 11:11

Hiding things is suspicious.
Xx at end of text is fine to a platonic friend, xx to a colleague friend is not, and Imo very unproffessional.
My platonic male friends have decreased as they got married, shame really, as no attraction on either side.

JellyBelli · 11/10/2016 11:12

'he was worried his wife would mind'
Thats a classic, blaming the wife for secretive behaviour.

alphabook · 11/10/2016 11:16

Yes, I couldn't care less if my husband had female friends as long as it didn't interfere with our relationship (texting constantly, sharing secrets, overly emotionally invested etc). If you don't have anything to hide then why hide it?

kali110 · 11/10/2016 16:31

saggy i got your name reference straight away!
I would never need to hide texts, nor would my dh.
If it's sudden strange behaviour, never done it before, then i would wonder.
What happened years ago? Does he have form for this?
blueturtle6 what's the difference between a work friend and a work friend?
I put xx at all my texts. Did to my old work friends, so did they.
We're friends! Not just people i worked with.

OneFootinFront · 11/10/2016 21:36

You know, the thing I really dislike about threads like this is the emphasis on the idea of the single woman, as if she's some kind of pariah. Demonising a woman because she's not married. Not a good look.

It's your DH who's the problem here, if there's a problem ...

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