DC passed grammar test how about a well done?

[monkeytree]

It really seems that we live in a culture where it is not the done thing to congratulate or praise those who do well.

My dd has passed for grammar school despite only be considered average at school, no heavy, intense tutoring just support from me and her dad yet she has gone on to pass the grammar test with flying colours. Some of the children considered to be top performers did not pass. I know it is hard on the child if they don't pass but other than my two closest friends there has not been a well done uttered by another parent. Dd has been scolded by another parent about talking about it and neither her teacher or headmaster have offered words of congratulation to her. Another girl in dd's class (obviously this had come from the parent) had said dd only passed because she got extra marks being the youngest in the class. Why can't people be civil and at least say well done? Feel annoyed with school because they have left dd in the middle sets and not helped her to progress. I know it doesn't really matter to anyone else that my dd has worked hard and gained a place at grammar but we don't seem to live in a culture which celebrates anyone else's success. Obviously, I've spoilt my dd rotten for doing so well and I am so proud of her as she is proud of herself and that's the main thing.

I am not sure it can be compared with sports

Of course it can. People against the 11+ go on about how unfair it is on the kids who don't get a place at a grammar.

Just the same with school sports.

I can remember feeling a failure every time I tried to get into the school sports teams and every time I didn't make the grade. I remember feeling a failure at those awful team selection sessions where you stand in a line whilst the "chosen few" choose their teams and I was usually one of the last to be picked. I had to applaud and congratulate the winners - it wasn't acceptable to do otherwise.

My son was desperate to be in the school football team but never chosen. Not being chosen for sports follows through into other areas of school, it feeds bullying etc.

"Academic achievement isn't all down to being born clever"

I agree (although actually, at primary school it mostly is!). But passing the 11+ is. Unless you want to blow the whole selective school narrative out of the water...........

I would expect a dc passing the test to be in top sets.

Funny that you automatically assume that a single test taken on a single day is a better indicator of what set a DC should be in than the cumulation of all their work produced at primary school, and the personal knowledge that their teachers have of them.

As a point of information- in some areas there is some adjustment for age. The child who said that to the OP's daughter was being unkind- but could have been right!

Surely they were only 'right' if we all agree that adjusting for age is unfair. If it actually just evens the playing field then the child was surely still wrong to suggest that being younger gave OP's child an advantage?

Well done to OP's DD.

However, please do have some empathy for those DCs and wanted to apply to the Grammar school but have not passed - and their DPs. They are bound to be feeling less than great & not really in the mood for enthusiastically congratulating other people's DCs .

FWIW, I think the school are correct to not hang a big shining halo over the heads of those who did pass. That would be the perfect way to make those children who are already feeling a bit down about it to feel like complete failures. They're only 10. Much better to be positive about everybody's achievements and future schools - wherever they may be.

Badbunny my point was that 20 years down the line always being picked last in PE feels pretty irrelevant for me. However, academic achievements have dictated the profession I work in and therefore things like the salary I earn. I think this is the case for many whereas very few are paid to play sports. I appreciate it may not have felt like it at the time. Bullying is a good point though - may be worse for boys?

Achievement in sport and art generally involve hard work and commitment.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. DD recently performed a monologue at a school event. Parents fell over themselves to congratulate her and me . Yet the truth is she got the email from her tutor asking her to do it the night before, so had time to run through it a couple of times between all the other shizzle she had to do.

The truth is, she doesn't find this stuff hard.

Yet, people feel happy to gush about it.

BTW I'm not saying parents should gush. Just noting that they do.

This reminds me of years back when a parent whose child had passed the 11+ asked the head why there wasn't a special assembly mention to congratulate those who were going to 'good' schools.

The head replied very smartly that as far as he was concerned all the children were going to good schools and he wasn't going to pick any of them out. I couldn't stand the man usually but his stance on this was faultless.

*"Academic achievement isn't all down to being born clever"

I agree (although actually, at primary school it mostly is!). But passing the 11+ is. Unless you want to blow the whole selective school narrative out of the water...........*

I am conscious that my own daughter has been hugely advantaged by having an economically stable upbringing, articulate parents who talk to her and to each other. Who bought her loads of books and who read widely themselves as well as taking her to cinema, theatre, museums. (Vocabulary was mentioned as an advantage above,)

Think about a child who had equal potential and ability - but who was born to parents who had to move around a lot and were poorly housed or who were homeless, and skint and with poor levels of literacy,

To be honest a child with middling 'intelligence' in the first group, is going to do better than a highly 'intelligent' child in the second one.

It's interesting that some posters feel that their dc should be rewarded and praised because their dc are useless at sport and they feel that they should be finally recognised.

Has it occurred to you that some children are useless at both? I have a dd who is.

I have a ds who is at a SS grammar, excels in sport too, whatever he turns his hand too, he generally is good at it.

It's pure and utter luck that he was born like this, yes he works very hard but unless the intelligence or aptitude for sport is there, working hard is not going to do much.

I disagree that success in sports and the arts is down to hard work too, if the raw talent isn't there, you can train for 20hrs a day and still not make the team.

I know someone like you - she was in the same position as you this time last year.

Please just be pleased for your child and quietly celebrate that amongst your family.

Rubbing other people's noses in it won't do you many favours.

Bit much to assume all those not getting the brass band out for your dd are "jealous". There may well be some congratulations offered to your dd in due course; but right now everyone else is far more concerned with their own child's achievements than they are with yours.
Why would it be otherwise?

Not read all the responses so apologies if repeating but I'm not sure why you would want or expect congratulations for your daughter's academic achievements from anyone other than you (her parents) and possibly grandparents, close aunts and uncles etc? Frankly, why would anyone else be interested?

You are obviously pleased. You said you spoiled her rotten. What more does she need? Sounds like this is about your needs, rather than hers.

And yes, schools are quite right to be sensitive to the fact that many pupils will not have passed. Their needs in their 'failure' (I greatly resent that word but that is how it will be perceived by those poor 10 year olds) are much greater than your daughter's in her comparative success. They would understandably not want to be surrounded by congratulations to those who succeeded where they failed. Perhaps other parents are sensitive to that, if they are close enough to you to warrant any individual interests in your child. Are you missing a sensitivity chip here?

It's a horrid system. It does horrid things to people.
This.

Don't rubbish the schools in the area people will see you as a snob.

I'm assuming when those"top performers" have done better in the past than your dd, you have congratulated them?

Everyone thinks they are better than everyone else in Grammar Schools. There is a lot of competition amongst the children.

Witchend of course she hasn't that is what this whole thread is about. She wants people to praise her and her dd only.

I haven't read the full thread. Of course you should be proud of her, and I expect her family will be pleased, but I think it makes sense to be discrete at school. Some people may be disappointed and hurting.

It's a horrid system. It does horrid things to people.

really agree with this.

Also remember that, come GCSE time, the parents who you showed off to will be scrutinising extra carefully to see whether the reality lived up to the hype ;)

Also some children will pass the test but still not get a grammar place if there are more pass the test than there are places so only top scorers in the test actually get a place