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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC passed grammar test how about a well done?

148 replies

monkeytree · 10/10/2016 16:46

It really seems that we live in a culture where it is not the done thing to congratulate or praise those who do well.

My dd has passed for grammar school despite only be considered average at school, no heavy, intense tutoring just support from me and her dad yet she has gone on to pass the grammar test with flying colours. Some of the children considered to be top performers did not pass. I know it is hard on the child if they don't pass but other than my two closest friends there has not been a well done uttered by another parent. Dd has been scolded by another parent about talking about it and neither her teacher or headmaster have offered words of congratulation to her. Another girl in dd's class (obviously this had come from the parent) had said dd only passed because she got extra marks being the youngest in the class. Why can't people be civil and at least say well done? Feel annoyed with school because they have left dd in the middle sets and not helped her to progress. I know it doesn't really matter to anyone else that my dd has worked hard and gained a place at grammar but we don't seem to live in a culture which celebrates anyone else's success. Obviously, I've spoilt my dd rotten for doing so well and I am so proud of her as she is proud of herself and that's the main thing.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 10/10/2016 18:07

I wouldn't worry what other people are up to. Well done to your daughter. I was similar to her - in middle sets at a big primary school & got into grammar school. Didn't get moved up a group either. This was in the days before tuition of any kind. I don't recall anyone being at all excited for me. The only comment I got from my class teacher was something along the lines of not getting too big for my boots just because I'd got into grammar school. I was not a confident child who showed off! So meh to those who aren't pleased for her. It sounds like she has done well, and has natural ability rather than having to be coached. I wouldn't even mention it to anyone else unless they ask. Just move on at the end of year 6 and focus on her new school.

BertrandRussell · 10/10/2016 18:08

"I guess others are jealous of her achievement. Jealousy seems to bring out the worst in people"

Yeah, sure. Jealousy. Bound to be that. Hmm

Middleoftheroad · 10/10/2016 18:09

Congratulations. You must be very proud! I guess the school have to tread carefully. However, I do get peeved that the sporting triumphs and same children take centre stage all the time. I can see why academic achievements are handled sensitively, but the 11+ is a hot potato as well I know.

Well done to your DD Smile

BusyBeez99 · 10/10/2016 18:09

Well done to your child.

We are waiting for the results to come through here.

I know how much work goes into this exam - three exams here in three hours and it's quite intense for 10 year olds

They should be very proud and allowed to talk about it.

lordStrange · 10/10/2016 18:17

Of course there shouldn't be great whoops on test result day. It matters to you and your dd, but that's all.

Since you're asking for a well done for her, you know, well done. But schools shouldn't make a big deal out of it. At ds's school none of the teachers even knew who had/hadn't anyway.

Elendon · 10/10/2016 18:19

I remember when I passed the exam to get into Grammar, plus I'd failed my 11 plus (Northern Ireland). I did get my review though, parents had to pay for the first year and I promised them I would pay them back - I did get a Saturday job. I was given such praise, presents and phone calls from English cousins.

Congratulations to your daughter! Star

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 10/10/2016 18:19

I think if you pass your driving test or get a new job people do say congrats. But when there are lots of kids doing the exam and some are very disappointed to pass it would be unfair to rub that in. You and your friends and family should celebrate but at home or have a trip / meal out not too much at school.

Mumski45 · 10/10/2016 18:20

Hi Monkeytree. A huge well done to your daughter and to you. I know how hard it is.
I think at school when not everyone has passed it can be tricky but I do think it is childish of parents who know not to congratulate your DD. My DS1 has also just passed 11+. The only 2 people to congratulate him outside of family has been my BFF and the mother of DS2's friend. DH's family have been very OTT which is nice but my mum said "did you ever think he wouldn't get in" which I thought devalued the effort he put in. No one on my side has made any effort to speak to him directly. It does hurt and I know how you feel. At least your DD knows how proud you are and that is what will mean the most to her. Smile

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 10/10/2016 18:20

Disappointed to not pass it of course.

CarrieLouise25 · 10/10/2016 18:25

The whole thing is shit IMO.

We kept everything quiet. It was our journey, no one elses. The mum's were generally very bitchy and gossipy about the whole thing. Eventually when the 11plus clique found out DS was taking it, one of the bitches mums actually sniggered. Then apologised but didn't mean it.

On the day of results I told DS to keep quiet. There will be children expected to pass who may have failed, do not gloat that you passed. He didn't talk about it, knowing how it would feel the other way around.

One woman almost broke her neck falling over to get to me to find out. She saw my face and said 'oh, sad face today, did he fail?' Oh my god I was livid, listening to the competitive mum's spouting shit about children. I answered that he passed. She paused. Gathered herself. Then said 'but by how much?'

She wasn't the only one to say 'by how much?'

I get you OP that there is a general negativity and critical response even with success!

It's a private journey IMO though and I think everyone should be more respectful to those who didn't pass.

Celebrate with those that matter to you and your DD Smile

booellesmum · 10/10/2016 18:30

Congratulations to your DD.
Wishing her all the best for a successful future.
I completely sympathise as we had this as well.
I didn't want or expect other parents to say anything or for it to be acknowledged at school, but I was upset for DD when she was excitedly telling her headmistress about having her photo taken for the school pass and the subject was changed - and this was out of school and not within earshot of any other children.
Some people are just not fans of the grammar system .

Myredrose · 10/10/2016 18:42

No, there should not be big celebrations at school, when two of my dc passed, I impressed upon them the need to not talk about it at school and to be sensitive to those who did not pass.

I do not want my DC being thoughtless to others.

Middleoftheroad · 10/10/2016 18:53

Carrie that sucks.

There is such an air of secrecy surrounding it that it can be made to feel like a guilty secret.

We get our results this week. I have twins so double the angst and all kinds of combinations may follow
Grin

MargaretCavendish · 10/10/2016 18:57

God, I had completely forgotten my own experience of this but this post brought it straight back! I was told off for 'boasting' about passing the 11+ at school - I was devastated because I had literally just said I had passed and I was the sort of child who hated being in any sort of trouble. I think people were also weirdly horrible to my mum about it (but then they generally weren't so keen on her because she hadn't grown up in the area and she worked full time, which were both seen as signs that she was 'up herself').

multivac · 10/10/2016 19:05

It's a horrid system; it does horrid things to people.
I'm glad your child is happy, OP, and I hope she enjoys her time at secondary school.

InTheseFlipFlops · 10/10/2016 19:06

Congratulations to you and your dd. I know how hard you both must have worked.

I think its right there is no fuss, the prospect that a 10 year old has 'failed' something so big. Some of my friends children have sat it in this round, the stress they have put themselves under (not the school, not the parents) is huge. They know its about them getting into the school they want to get in. There should be no fuss on exam day, no fuss on results day.
Its the whole 10 year olds 'fail' thing that doesn't sit well with me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/10/2016 20:29

we don't seem to live in a culture which celebrates anyone else's success. Thanks goodness. We're not Americans...

We should be praising effort, not achievement so probably that's part of it. Another part will be that some children will have just missed out and their futures will be less good as a result. That's not the case with most things one would congratulate a child for.

As an aside, would you have 'spoiled her rotten' if she had tried her best and failed?

BelladiNotte · 10/10/2016 20:42

Congrats to your daughter, OPSmileStar

CarrieLouise25 · 10/10/2016 20:43

Good points Mrs T.

We spoiled DS rotten as soon as exam was over, rewarding him for his effort, regardless of the result.

LyndaNotLinda · 10/10/2016 21:39

What I meant Bertrand is that the results aren't published. There isn't a list of names of who passed and who didn't put up in school.

RortyCrankle · 10/10/2016 21:42

Fantastic news for your DD, many congratulations to her Smile.

It's fantastic that this Government is reversing all the damage Shirley Williams did by destroying so many excellent grammar schools and I hope your DD goes on to enjoy and have great success at her new school.

twitchypalm · 10/10/2016 21:47

Congratulations to your daughter. We are waiting for our sons results no one in mine or my partners family have ever gone to Grammer school and ds done it all off his own back. I just wish the results would hurry up lol.

fc301 · 10/10/2016 22:14

It's a learning curve for parents too. You are right to celebrate it privately. In Bucks 80% don't pass, that's a lot of children & Parents dealing with disappointment ... they don't have to crow over your daughter.

2kidsandcats · 10/10/2016 22:20

The system sucks. Can't believe Teresa May wants to bring back this kind of mass heartbreak.

OneOfTheGrundys · 10/10/2016 22:26

You said it yourself op. You're proud of her, she's proud of herself.

Why you'd seek approbation from anyone else is a mystery to me.

Well done to her!