DC passed grammar test how about a well done?

[monkeytree]

It really seems that we live in a culture where it is not the done thing to congratulate or praise those who do well.

My dd has passed for grammar school despite only be considered average at school, no heavy, intense tutoring just support from me and her dad yet she has gone on to pass the grammar test with flying colours. Some of the children considered to be top performers did not pass. I know it is hard on the child if they don't pass but other than my two closest friends there has not been a well done uttered by another parent. Dd has been scolded by another parent about talking about it and neither her teacher or headmaster have offered words of congratulation to her. Another girl in dd's class (obviously this had come from the parent) had said dd only passed because she got extra marks being the youngest in the class. Why can't people be civil and at least say well done? Feel annoyed with school because they have left dd in the middle sets and not helped her to progress. I know it doesn't really matter to anyone else that my dd has worked hard and gained a place at grammar but we don't seem to live in a culture which celebrates anyone else's success. Obviously, I've spoilt my dd rotten for doing so well and I am so proud of her as she is proud of herself and that's the main thing.

Well done OP's DD!

I remember how it felt when I passed but my parents refused to let me go to the Grammar school as my older siblings had failed the exam so how bad would they feel if I was allowed to go?

Gutted wasn't anywhere near how I felt.

Well done to the OP's DD. Just ignore the negativity. She should be proud of herself and she can now look forward to the next chapter in her life.

It's the mixed messages that I can't stand.

The schools fall over themselves to congratulate sporting achievement or arts achievements, but treat academic achievement as a kind of dirty little secret.

I appreciate that the kids who don't get in are going to be disappointed. But what about the kids who try but don't achieve sporting or arts recognition - do their feelings not matter when the school head is stood praising the few who've succeeded in other endeavours?

I know my son was constantly demoralised and upset whenever he really put his effort into sport and never achieved anything - but always having to clap and congratulate those that did. Yet, when he achieved something (academic), not a word!

A few years back our comprehensive initiated an award ceremony for academic achievement. But it's held in the evening, and very deliberately kept quiet - you only tend to know about it if your child is getting an award.

If you do well academically you are going to to better all through life. Why do you need a certificate as well?

It is now considered almost dirty and wrong to succeed in anything in this country. People look down on anyone who they believe have aspirations believed to be above their station and are prepared to work for them! How utterly rediculous about the extra marks comment because of age!

CONGRATULATIONS! To your DD

It genuinely wouldn't occur to me to congratulate your dd in this situation, as passing the 11+ is not something that I value. I hate the grammar school system and I'm so glad that kids here only have to do it if they want to get admission to the private schools.

As for celebrating academic achievement, we prefer to celebrate effort in our house - it's much more meaningful. Academic work comes very easily to dd, so it's not surprising when she does well. I'd far prefer to celebrate the little triumphs that have come as the result of hard work and perseverance, even if the "achievements" wouldn't be considered special or significant by anyone else. I wouldn't expect anyone outside the family to recognise those successes - how would they even know?!

I would not expect a primary school to make much of 11+ results, as some kids may be disappointed. As a parent, I wouldn't make a big deal of it in the playground either. If you and your dd are happy with her success, why do you want lots of other people congratulating her as well? The reward for hard work should be the sense of achievement itself, please don't teach your dd to look for external rewards or approval.

As a point of information- in some areas there is some adjustment for age. The child who said that to the OP's daughter was being unkind- but could have been right!

I was going to say the same thing about extra marks because of age! Unkind, yes, but also true.

Nothing worse than a show off. The 11+ is an utter bastard of a test. It doesn't show academic prowess it shows practice and luck on the day. It is very hard on children who are expected to do well and don't. I told my DC to keep their score to themselves.

And yes round here if you are summer born your mark is adjusted.

No, there should not be big celebrations at school, when two of my dc passed, I impressed upon them the need to not talk about it at school and to be sensitive to those who did not pass.

I do not want my DC being thoughtless to others.

Much nicer attitude.

I havent read right through but success or achievement isn't about glory or recognition or attention.

I'm sure I would feel the same OP, in that I'd want to shout it from the rooftops and want everyone to be as impressed with my DD as I was. But - I have come to learn that no one aside from me and DH feels that pride so acutely so I'm focusing on enjoying those special proud moments because they are special to us.

I don't particularly enjoy attention but do enjoy my own successes. I don't need to be praised - someone else's opinion of my achievement doesn't enhance it.

Your daughter has done fantastically well, it's great but her being proud and happy truly is enough.

Well done to your DD. Some children shine when they are not under intense pressure. Ignore the jealous ones. In my DD's school most parents go out of their way to congratulate other parents whose children get into desired grammar schools & seek input on how they worked. But I have come across instances when my DD has done some outstanding work that all the parents talked about (still hearing about this though the grapevine after 1.5 years!) but only close friends congratulated. I suppose it happens.
However scolding a child or asking them to keep a lid on it just to please the others who didn't get in is not on!

Mine both passed. I didn't tell them their marks though, what with them being ten years old. The competition about marks, fuelled by the parents, was utterly ridiculous. One of mine had the highest score it was possible to obtain. I told him after he had started the school, when no one else was interested.

"However scolding a child or asking them to keep a lid on it just to please the others who didn't get in is not on!"

I would expect a child of mine to know that without being told. But if necessary, then I hope somebody would tell them to keep a lid on it.

Surely the point of her taking the test was to get into the school she wanted to go to and she achieved that. Why would it matter to anyone else. It isn't meant to be a big look at me thing.

PassiveAgressiveQueen It depends on the area. In our area a pass in catchment means you have a place - the letter says they will accept DC if you put the school as 1 on the CAF. So yes I've just put the one school on the CAF. In other areas more pass than places or there are more than one grammar school so people name 3 and they are allocated by ranks and/or distance.

I think it's best all kept low key, TBH. I can't remember any fuss at all about 11+ results when I was that age, apart from the disgruntled handful and we wouldn't have thanked anyone for drawing more attention as it would have made their nastiness worse. Let her keep her head down.

You've "spoiled her rotten"? Why? The reward for passing an entrance exam is a place at the institution. It's not 'success' as such, it's a good place on the starting line.

Paying DC for A grades, handing out bikes for 11+ passes and all of that type of thing inculcate the wrong attitude. Success really is its own reward.

There are so many private and state selective options now. A lot of DC are multiply examined (and many, inevitably, multiply disappointed). It's stressful for them. Be classy, keep it low key.

I'm missing the point a bit, I know, but academic setting in primary school?

I'm glad we don't have the grammar system around here. Some kids can afford to go to the private school, so off they pop, and the majority go to the only secondary school in town. I think having one school makes things fairer and there's less bitching and sharp elbowing.

success or achievement isn't about glory or recognition or attention.

But for sports and arts etc it's ALL ABOUT glory or recognition and that's freely given in awards ceremonies, school assemblies, etc.

I told my children not to mention it at school, out of consideration to their friends who scored lower. They got plenty of congratulations at home and from extended family.

I didn't mention it to teachers or other parents unless asked directly.

Proponents of the grammar system like to insist that it's not about competition, or privilege. Definitely not. It's simply about ensuring that children are in the right school for their needs. So, no congratulations required - unless you are also going to congratulate the children who haven't been selected, and who are therefore, presumably, also going to attend a school that meets their needs.

Well done everybody, eh?

Congratulations to your dd!!

I must say I tend to agree with you. We seem to live in a place these days where "its all about the taking part." Sports days are "non-competitive" and everyone gets a certificate.

Whatever happened to praising someone for doing well, or winning a race and being the fastest??

Personally I fear we'll end up in a few years time with 20 year olds sobbing and having breakdowns because they didn't get the job or a promotion because someone eventually had the courage to say "I'm sorry someone else did a little better than you."

I'm not suggesting that there's a need to gloat, but I do think credit where credit's due. I understand some of the other children may be disappointed or upset if they didn't pass, but isn't that just life??

I don't have a problem with celebrating achievement, including academic achievement, in school and out of it.

But I have a serious issue with access to state funded education being compared with "winning a race and being fastest".

I told mine that if they failed, i would hand them over to social services ! Funnily enough the threat worked .

The people who make it such a huge thing are the posters that keep telling their children how 'unfair' the 11+ is !

It is not that important whether someone passes or not ....

However, if you want the 'power' race to end and grammar schools to lose their 'mythical' status. The way to do that is to increase the number of them and grammar schools to take the top 40% of the ability band.