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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I get between DH and this MIL?

141 replies

Madinche1sea · 10/10/2016 10:55

I don't think I can face dealing with MIL today
Just for background - MIL was unfortunately widowed last year. She had been previously living in Argentina with late FIL, but did not wish to remain there alone. It was decided that she would come and live with us in London and we would convert our basement into an apartment for her.
So three months of renovations earlier this year. MIL was living in our house with us and was consulted all the way about choice of flooring, decor, etc. When the work was more or less completed, she then decided that she didn't want to live "down below" in a basement after all! Btw, it was not at all dark or pokey - we had even had the back garden re-levelled so that she had direct access to it via sliding glass doors.
Anyway, DH is used to his mother being quite high maintenance, so got her an apartment with 24 hour security down the road. She moved in early August and seems quite happy with this arrangement.
The problem is that she now expects me to visit her EVERY day. During the week, I'm expected to facilitate her contact with the outside world. DH has organised various home- help / cleaners for her, but she shouts at them all, accuses them of stealing from her, etc. So this is all falling to me as a result. I think she's gone through 3 different companies now. She is 68, but looks early 50's. Very good health and one of the most glamorous women I know.
When she lived with us, she was on a mission to get me cooking more Persian food (she's originally from Iran). She says DH should not be deprived of this and it is also our DC's heritage (we have 4 DC). Now she still comes down on Sunday mornings to "help" me cook all this food as she sees fit. Yesterday was a nightmare. She came when DH was at rugby and I was trying to supervise 4 lots of homework. She took over the whole kitchen to "help" me make all this food when I would have rather just waited for DH to come back and gone out for lunch. I was exhausted and close to tears by the evening because of her.
Then, in the night, she called DH at 3am (she often does this) because she was having one of her "panic attacks" / suspected she had an intruder. DH walked down there and calmed her down. When he got back it was 4.40 and he had to leave for his flight at 5.30 anyway.
Now DH is away until Fri and I don't think I have the patience to deal with her this week. I do feel sorry for her. She was very dependent on her husband and I appreciate she is getting older. Am I being reasonable, or should I just say nothing to DH and accept how she is as an elderly person and his mother?

OP posts:

Original poster

Madinche1sea · 11/10/2016 18:30

Ha - yes
I do pilates, the odd run and I've rediscovered contemporary ballet after 13 years at the age of 39! But I would never leave DH with the kids and just bugger off to do this kind of thing iyswim. Maybe I'll go for a swim next Sunday morning then and return as a vegan or something

OP posts:

altiara · 11/10/2016 18:56

Could you mention you need to go back to work to cover the cost of building work and flights
From what you've written I agree with the narcissist take rather than dementia, somehow she's always active with you and an invalid with DH.
I've got no real advice but hope you can work out how to get support from DH and have her in your life in bite size chunks in future as she will only get worse. Also agree that the whole you're like a daughter = general dogsbody. Maybe get your DM on side to say some comments (not bitchy but reminders of how being in your 60's is young, opportunities for travel ... )

Dontpanicpyke · 11/10/2016 19:00

As I posted on day 1 and catching up op you are still a bloody saint.

Flisspaps · 11/10/2016 19:05

My feeling is DH doesn't want you to get a job because then he'd have no-one to deal with his mother and he'd have to actually do it himself. So far he's been able to swan off to do his sports etc knowing you'll effectively mind her for him. Sod all to do with 'stress for the family' - he just wants to palm off the stress of his mother.

If you want to work, then work. You don't need his permission.

Original poster

Madinche1sea · 11/10/2016 19:21

Thankyou so much alti and dontpanic. God people must think our family are all crazy reading through this!
DH's main statement on me going back to work is, "You're already doing the most important job in the world, why would you want to do another job?" He has no qualms in telling me he thinks the idea is a waste of time. The things is, the longer you're a full- time SAHM and wife (particularly to the likes of him), they get used to having you around. He runs various companies and his phone is never off. It's probably not normal to most people but I suppose it is to me and the kids because I've been with him since I was 25.

OP posts:

Cats1ife · 11/10/2016 20:36

Wow - good luck!

ChuckBiscuits · 11/10/2016 20:48

Get her a walking stick for Christmas and tell her it is because you are all worried about her ailing health and dizzy spells that she always has when she is with her son. Perhaps she is allergic to his deodorant and that is what is makng her dizzy or something. Should put a stop to that.

DH's main statement on me going back to work is, "You're already doing the most important job in the world, why would you want to do another job? What, looking after his mummy?

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea · 12/10/2016 08:42

op, your DH does have a vested interest in you staying at home, doing his washing, covering all childcare and looking after his mum you know..... he'd hardly benefit from you going back to work.

However, many partners would at least consider the notion from your perespective before vetoing it rather than pulling a face and trying to guilt-trip/undermine you by saying 'But you're already doing something so important, darling, why would you possibly want anything else?' Next time he decides on a new diet/exercise regime/whatever you must insist that he sticks to it, because obviously no human being should ever desire change if the initial decision was made on logical grounds....

He sounds a bit self-absorbed op, or at least not that interested in your wishes.

originalmavis · 12/10/2016 09:08

I assume mumma-joon was a stay at home mum and spoiled her boys.

Sounds like she is used to getting her way and is being the Matriarch. Did get DH let her be bossy? Bossy is one thing but rude is quite another - Iranians pride themselves in being polite and courteous, but I assume she thinks that she is being assertive.

Some families do live in each other's pockets and it sounds like she thinks it's normal to be a very large presence in your life.

Let her cook in her own kitchen! Take her to Hafez and Assal but cook her Spanish food too, and British food. No matter what she thinks, your kids are not Persian, they are of mixed culture - all of which are rich, important and valued.

Original poster

Madinche1sea · 12/10/2016 09:42

Chuck

Contessa - I definitely take your point. DH is delighted for me to do pretty much anything I want - eg. meet up with friends, hobbies, etc. I admit I do put him first in the sense that I wouldn't do any "me"stuff when he's at home, but I do have time when he's at work and kids at school so I can't really complain. He has agreed to me doing a course in Feb, after I convinced him it would just be in school hours 2-3 days a week. He's never had to reschedule work around the kids being sick, school holidays etc and I can't see that ever changing. He does work extremely hard though and sees this as the best way he can contribute to the family. He is lovely, but can be quite fixed in his thinking. I don't know what else to say really

Mavis - DH's father could have been another thread if he was still alive. He was ex- military and ran everything like a regime. DH said at the funeral that, even as an adult, he was terrified of his father (he said this not in his speech, but to me afterwards). So not great at all. It must have been difficult for MIL. She did once tell me she didn't want the boys to go to boarding school when they were young, but she felt like she had no choice. Yes, I think she's all over the place now and maybe trying to assert herself / find her place in the absence of a very domineering husband.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 12/10/2016 11:24

I think this is spot on.

Also: He has agreed to me doing a course in Feb, after I convinced him it would just be in school hours 2-3 days a week.

Sorry but my DP would never have to 'agree' to me doing anything like this. He wouldn't need any convincing about the number of hours I'd be out of the house. Your DH is not reasonable.

LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea · 12/10/2016 12:54

Sorry if I sounded harsh Madinche1sea, but you remind me of my mother; my dad was very similar when we were young and her life was basically moulded around his. She got a say in things like soft furnishings, holiday destinations etc (anything he wasn't particularly fussed over) but all the major decisions in life were his - she had no control, not really. She grew very, very weary of it but it was a bit late to change after 30 years.....

Original poster

Madinche1sea · 12/10/2016 13:47

Sapphire and Contessa - thankyou for your posts and Contessa, no, I didn't think your post was harsh. Thankyou for taking the time and being honest.

Just dropped MIL home....,

Yes if I'm absolutely honest I suppose I have kind of "moulded" my life round DH's but I suppose, because of the way he is, I had to either go with it or leave him! When we got engaged he said to give him 5 or so years and he'd get us set up. Then we had 4 DC and it's all been a bit of a whirlwind tbh and now here we are - 39 and 42
I've put up with all the sports etc because if that's what he needs to de- stress, I'd rather he did that somewhere else than bring it home. I have lots of friends whose husbands do bring work stress home and they're completely drained by it most of the time.
On the issue of me going back to work, it's tricky ground. He is not unreasonable about anything else. I do think I can work on him to change his perspective, but I will need to take the gradual approach - not just for him, but the DC as well. I'm doing the course and it will go from there hopefully.

OP posts:

Skyblue79 · 12/10/2016 17:54

Think about your own future and do what you need to do OP. Good luck!

Naicehamshop · 12/10/2016 18:33

Hmm... your DH sounds like hard work.

Don't let everything be about him! You have to live your life too. What if something happened to him, or you split up? (Sorry, I know that sounds horrible but it does happen and it really isn't a good idea to be totally financially dependant on someone else).

Hope this doesn't sound harsh!

Flisspaps · 13/10/2016 18:32

You don't need to change his perspective though.

You just decide you want to work, and apply for jobs.

It's not his decision.

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