Should I get between DH and this MIL?

[Madinche1sea]

I don't think I can face dealing with MIL today
Just for background - MIL was unfortunately widowed last year. She had been previously living in Argentina with late FIL, but did not wish to remain there alone. It was decided that she would come and live with us in London and we would convert our basement into an apartment for her.
So three months of renovations earlier this year. MIL was living in our house with us and was consulted all the way about choice of flooring, decor, etc. When the work was more or less completed, she then decided that she didn't want to live "down below" in a basement after all! Btw, it was not at all dark or pokey - we had even had the back garden re-levelled so that she had direct access to it via sliding glass doors.
Anyway, DH is used to his mother being quite high maintenance, so got her an apartment with 24 hour security down the road. She moved in early August and seems quite happy with this arrangement.
The problem is that she now expects me to visit her EVERY day. During the week, I'm expected to facilitate her contact with the outside world. DH has organised various home- help / cleaners for her, but she shouts at them all, accuses them of stealing from her, etc. So this is all falling to me as a result. I think she's gone through 3 different companies now. She is 68, but looks early 50's. Very good health and one of the most glamorous women I know.
When she lived with us, she was on a mission to get me cooking more Persian food (she's originally from Iran). She says DH should not be deprived of this and it is also our DC's heritage (we have 4 DC). Now she still comes down on Sunday mornings to "help" me cook all this food as she sees fit. Yesterday was a nightmare. She came when DH was at rugby and I was trying to supervise 4 lots of homework. She took over the whole kitchen to "help" me make all this food when I would have rather just waited for DH to come back and gone out for lunch. I was exhausted and close to tears by the evening because of her.
Then, in the night, she called DH at 3am (she often does this) because she was having one of her "panic attacks" / suspected she had an intruder. DH walked down there and calmed her down. When he got back it was 4.40 and he had to leave for his flight at 5.30 anyway.
Now DH is away until Fri and I don't think I have the patience to deal with her this week. I do feel sorry for her. She was very dependent on her husband and I appreciate she is getting older. Am I being reasonable, or should I just say nothing to DH and accept how she is as an elderly person and his mother?

Oh dear, she sounds like a very spoilt woman to me. No one ever dares to take her on because the fallout isn't worth it. I'm shocked about you doing the basement renovations and her changing her mind about living there. Up to you what you do, but it sounds a nightmare. she's not old at all. I would also say narcissist from what you've written, and it might be helpful to read up on strategies for coping with a narcissist. . Any chance of her marrying again and giving you a break?!

I'm not saying you have to slap a bitch down or anything...just that you have every right to bring it back to acceptable levels of contact. This 'having' to go round every day, and Persian cooking together every weekend is a piece of nonsense. She has effectively got control of your free time and means to insert herself in every minute of it.

Much as I'm sure your dh loves all the cooking he has earned by having a penis, while you take care of his mother for him, he has got to see the light. What he is expecting of you is too much. She is his mother.

Things are going to be changing, right?

She is adjusting to a new life after FIL. By pandering to crazy behaviour you are stopping her from adjusting.

Don't take her round the shops. Say, no, I'm busy today.

When she calls you or DH about burglars call the police. Why would you not do that?

When she has a dizzy spell, take her to A&E or call an ambulance.

You'll soon find out if something's genuinely wrong or if she's attention seeking.

When she wants to cook. Say no. Maybe send DH round to hers to learn to cook from her. Of course she won't accept that, because it's not about culinary heritage is it?

Good for her. She's not the mother you always wanted! Relationships are a two way thing and your husband has to understand that

fab point

They don't get to pick you a role and have you dumbly step into it...not when it's as all-consuming as this!
spot on. and this is all bound up with guilt and societal norms etc.

Take her to the doctor I can see a relationship developing between them.

She's pissing on your territory, marking it.

Taking your Sunday kitchen from you; taking your free time when DC at school; taking your DH out of your bed at night; rejecting your home; rejecting all servants other than you; requiring you to serve her daily; taking family money (DH getting her a flat after you spending renovating just for her).

She's hitting all the big buttons, except critiquing your parenting and your physical appearance.

Yes she's needy. She "needs" you to know your place. Stop. You are the new queen.

I think you are still scared of her having a tantrum. Or are you scared of DH's reaction to her having a tantrum? All the things that need to be done are mostly within your control. You just say no and ignore her squealing. With 4 DC surely you know how to handle a tantrum?

"...to teach either of her sons to boil an egg"

So where is this 'other son'? Is there another DiL? Not that I think the DiLs should shoulder the majority of care, but it would be interesting to know what another DiL's (If there is one) take on your MiL is. I'm assuming there are no daughters or more sons.

I think you and your DH need to have a long talk and you need to tell him that she's just become 'too much'. You and he need to work out some 'guidelines' and then he needs to have a talk with his mother, as unpleasant as that might be.

68 is not old!
I have many friends in that age group who are still working!
She sounds to me like a very spoilt woman, who has decided that now she has no DH then her DS and his DW (by extension) should fill the role, I have a friend who is suffering a very similar scenario as he is the only son of a very demanding widowed Mother. His DW tries not to get involved and does the bare minimum and is very strict with her boundries as a result the DS has had very "strong words" with Mum, and spelled out just how busy his DW is. Mum has no conception as she has never worked etc and has always been pandered to.

If she sacks the cleaners then she must do her own cleaning (she will inevitably have an "attack" of some sort)

I feel really sorry for you OP, you are in a really difficult position, and I fear it is not going to get any easier. You will have to tell her that you do not have the time (constantly) and let her learn the hard way.

Thankyou all for your comments - it's very helpful. I was just in with her for a record half an hour. I said I had to go for meeting a DD's school . I know I shouldn't have to lie.
She actually didn't want to go out anyway because she has had a bad night. She said she talked to DH last night (this would have been when she called him down there in the early hours ) She is worried about his health, he is working too hard and if it wasn't for me he would be dead! I felt like saying well stop ringing him in the middle of the night then! I said she could not be more safe in this flat. There is 24 hour security guard (who obviously thinks we're all crazy). She wanted to start on about the jewellery again - what she is going to leave to DD1 and DD2, etc. I am sick of hearing about all this constantly.
I know things will have to change, but I need DH's support. He has a weird relationship with her. They are very close on the surface of things, but he won't tell her the truth, if that makes sense. He and his brother went to boarding school quite young so I often wonder if this is why they're a bit more distant than I am with my family.
She may well be down later.

She may well be down later.

Then be out/not at home to guests. She carries on like this because you allow it.

Yes you need your DH's support, but you also need to take control yourself.

Your DH will not sort this out for you. He is not around when this is happening.
It is your life that is being taken over by your MIL, not his; it is up to you to put in boundaries. If your DH doesn't like it, he can spend more time with her himself.
I wish I had put in better boundaries years ago because this only gets harder to do once routines have been established. If she is used to seeing you every day it is much harder to change than if you never let it happen in the first place.
Decide what your limits are and then stick to your guns. Please don't set yourself up for years of misery. Act now and everyone, including MIL, will be happier than if you let it run and it ends in a huge bust up.

Do you have a RL friend who can offer support? Another SAHM might be good. Do you know anyone with ovaries of steel who takes no shit? DH's support is important of course but he's deep in the FOG.

A RL mate can be extremely helpful for venting, "emergency" phone calls requiring your immediate attention, fake days out, discussing her escalations to bring you back in line (illnesses, lots of illnesses).

Does she interact with your DC and give you & DH any support? Or is she always selfish? OP, you have my sympathy! YANBU

RunRabbit - yes I have talked to friends about it. They have all seen her with their own eyes when she was living with us. Tbh she is "known" already in a lot of shops round here and not in a particularly good way. She goes around everywhere in huge black sunglasses and loads of jewellery and usually complains about service in shops, etc.

Yes DH has an older brother but he lives in New York. MIL went over to see them in June. This is another thing - she won't fly by herself, so DH had to take her there and then fly straight back in a daymore or less because he had s lot on that week. BIL brought her to our door on her return. Neither of them seem to think this is odd at all.
I'm very grateful for all comments and I see how ridiculous this all is as I write it down. I'm not scared of anyone in the normal scheme of things. She is a tricky woman though and so don't want her getting hysterical and then there will be a huge family drama.

She is not dependant she is spoilt and definitely not your responsibility. The amount of people she seems to have upset is telling. Try not to feel like you need to be there at her every whim. You have a life and she needs to respect that.

But she will have created that drama, not you. She's not your responsibility.
Frankly, if she kicks off because her dil wants a life of her own, then she'll appear like the spoiled and selfish person she is.

You need to talk to your husband OP. Write down all the points you want to make to him to articulate your point in order to keep you calm and on track.

In the meantime start withdrawing from so much daily contact. Be busy and don't apologise for it either. Remember JADE...don't justify, argue, defend or explain. Just politely state.

"No can do, how about Thursday?"

Thanks Pictish. I know I'm making the rod for the back. I just feel really bogged down with it all today. DH is overseas until Fri and I think I had a "moment" on Saturday when I saw how manipulative she can be. If we go out for a family walk, she always has to hold onto DH's arm as if for her life and then walk at a snail's pace, so that I have to chase off after the 4 DC on their scooters. It's only a small thing, but I know how quickly she can move when she's out and about, taking stuff back to Harrods or any of her other key shops. I told DH this, but he just looked perplexed. As someone said, he is in a kind of FOG. I do need to talk to him.

Shes ruining the years your kids are small, instead of worrying about your kids and having fun with them, you are both worrying about a very spoilt and selfish woman.

Take back these years now, because you wont get them back later.

Tell your dh this

Tell her that if she cannot cope in her flat she will have to live in Bognor in a nursing home!

dogolphin

I think the reason I've not been more assertive with this so far is that I'm obviously aware that DH lost his father too. Not that he was close to him particularly, in fact, he was apparently terrified of him growing up. But obviously it's still a loss and I thought it would be good for him to bond again with his mother in later life as she was often overseas in school holidays etc. It's all a bit weird tbh and he doesn't talk about his childhood too much.

I will say she is kind to all the DC and often tells me how lovely they all are, they have beautiful manners etc. She told me I'm a very good balance for DH, so that was nice of her. She says I take care of him very well! I don't think she liked me when we got engaged, so that's some progress I suppose. DH says she just wants to bond with me and she's a bit eccentric!

Thankyou all again for bearing with me. I know I must sound like a lunatic!

The decision whether you return to work should not be dependent on whether your MiL is as needy by then. It gives you the perfect excuse to wean her off: if you're not available, she can't keep calling on you. So aim to start a job as soon as you finish your course and present it as a fait accompli. If she starts whining about needing people to look after her, tell her she'll have to pay for carers to come in and stop alienating them, or else cope without them.

There is nothing you can do about your husbands relationship with his mum. No matter how unhealthy or unbalanced it might be is that dynamic was established many years ago and can only be changed by him or her. You have to take charge of your own relationship with her and set your own boundaries. They may not be what your MIL and DH want or expect, but that will be their problem not yours.

If you won't do it for yourself than think of your DCs. You will be modelling self respect and assertiveness and also putting your nuclear family first.

And don't wait in for MIL to come round later. Take the kids to Pizza Express (other family friendly eating places are available) and have some down time.

She sounds like a spoilt princess. Stop catering to her eccentricities. When she calls at 4am call the 24 hour security and let them check the place is still secure. She's mad as a box of frogs.
Start screening your calls, let hers go to voicemail and only answer once in a while. You know she's only calling to get you to go over or take her somewhere.
She's not old, she's 68, this could go on for another 15 or 20 years.

OP, I truly do not wish to be unkind, in any way, but the way you describe your MIL, rings bells ! Is it possible, that she has the onset of Dementia ?

I know that she (and your DH) are grieving. But the problem is that she and your DH are setting up patterns of behaviour. Specifically, patterns of behaviour for you. This is neither right nor fair. You should be able to determine your own relationship with your MiL, independent of what your DH wants or feels he needs to do for her. He wants to jump up and run over at midnight? Fine, but that shouldn't mean that you have to. He wants to run her here and then? OK, then, but you don't.

Just out of curiosity, exactly what does she expect your DH to do when she 'hears a noise' in the middle of the night? Storm into her flat with 'guns a-blazing' and overpower some would-be assailant? Look under the bed & through the cupboards for boggarts?