Should I get between DH and this MIL?

[Madinche1sea]

I don't think I can face dealing with MIL today
Just for background - MIL was unfortunately widowed last year. She had been previously living in Argentina with late FIL, but did not wish to remain there alone. It was decided that she would come and live with us in London and we would convert our basement into an apartment for her.
So three months of renovations earlier this year. MIL was living in our house with us and was consulted all the way about choice of flooring, decor, etc. When the work was more or less completed, she then decided that she didn't want to live "down below" in a basement after all! Btw, it was not at all dark or pokey - we had even had the back garden re-levelled so that she had direct access to it via sliding glass doors.
Anyway, DH is used to his mother being quite high maintenance, so got her an apartment with 24 hour security down the road. She moved in early August and seems quite happy with this arrangement.
The problem is that she now expects me to visit her EVERY day. During the week, I'm expected to facilitate her contact with the outside world. DH has organised various home- help / cleaners for her, but she shouts at them all, accuses them of stealing from her, etc. So this is all falling to me as a result. I think she's gone through 3 different companies now. She is 68, but looks early 50's. Very good health and one of the most glamorous women I know.
When she lived with us, she was on a mission to get me cooking more Persian food (she's originally from Iran). She says DH should not be deprived of this and it is also our DC's heritage (we have 4 DC). Now she still comes down on Sunday mornings to "help" me cook all this food as she sees fit. Yesterday was a nightmare. She came when DH was at rugby and I was trying to supervise 4 lots of homework. She took over the whole kitchen to "help" me make all this food when I would have rather just waited for DH to come back and gone out for lunch. I was exhausted and close to tears by the evening because of her.
Then, in the night, she called DH at 3am (she often does this) because she was having one of her "panic attacks" / suspected she had an intruder. DH walked down there and calmed her down. When he got back it was 4.40 and he had to leave for his flight at 5.30 anyway.
Now DH is away until Fri and I don't think I have the patience to deal with her this week. I do feel sorry for her. She was very dependent on her husband and I appreciate she is getting older. Am I being reasonable, or should I just say nothing to DH and accept how she is as an elderly person and his mother?

OP, I really don't know if you realise how ridiculous her behaviour sounds for someone of her age.
I am 65 am still working full time, running the family home (with adult children still there) commuting on a daily basis, and in my age group I am not alone! I have many colleagues who are older than me and do similar.
I would not dream of expecting any of my DS's to accompany me on a flight across the Atlantic, it is unbelievable.
She may be mourning her DH but no way should you and your DH be stepping into the breach (so to speak) You have done more than, you need to do, have been very generous, and caring, and if you still want to remain on friendly terms you need to start withdrawing.

You are a bloody saint op!

1. 68 is not old. My dm is 85 and lives completely independently with lots of interests and hobbies.

1. The whole weight of this is being put on your shoulders. Your dh needs to step up and deal with this, I don't care how much he works.

1. Reread Rabbits post at 13.26.

1. Think seriously about getting a job or you will spend the next 25 years like this.

Good luck!!

Oh balls. You're going to have to move house. Have you considered emigrating?

Every time she comes round, say "Great, you can look after kids while I run some errands!!!"

Thankyou. Hazel yes that certainly puts her behaviour into perspective.

At DD's netball match now. I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by it all today, for some reason. When DH said to me yesterday, "Oh that's nice, she came down to help you make Sunday lunch", I could have smacked him!
The thing is, he travels quite a lot and family time is precious, so I want to make the most of the time when he is here and MIL's interventions are eating into this.

Also, DH was not keen on me going back to work because he thinks it's all too much, but I've been working on him since our youngest DC started school. Now, as soon as all 4 DC are st school, MIL steps in! And she will guilt-trip me about getting back to work too because she never worked, I don't think.

On the dementia question? I have wondered about this and I still am a bit. She can switch the behaviour on and off though - eg. dizzy when on walks with DH, but off like a rocket when she's with me.

God knows what she expects DH to do in the night. This is the sixth time she has called him over and he just goes.

well your dh is definitely in FOG - and to some extent you are too.

It also kind of sounds like your dh wants the traditional set up - wife at home putting family first always, of course you going out to work would 'upset/negatively affect the family'....it would mean breaking tradition
Being 'independent' is 'not a good thing for a woman' in the kind of sexist culture you dh and mil come from.
You're place is meant to be in the home, provided for by your dh
His contribution to the family is meant to be respected - hence why he gets downtime - but not yours?
Do you get any/same amount of 'downtime' to unwind from the job of a SAHP & Chauffeur/PA?
They both 'expect' you to take all this on without discussion or complaint - as that's the role they've assigned you.

She sounds like she has more narcissistic tendencies, it doesn't sound like grieving to me. She's asserting herself as the matriarch of the family and doing it via undermining you as wife/mother in your own home, yet telling the 'outside' world you're the 'daughter she never had'
She's emotionally manipulative with her comments, telling you she can't live without you doing all this - but at the same time transferring full responsibility for all 'this' on to you. So anytime you stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated like a servant - she can accuse you of 'letting her down' and all the other manipulation melodrama that goes with it.

You need to stop enabling dh and mil avoiding their responsibilities.
Just risk the family drama and don't budge on your boundaries.
It's his mother - he chose to have her move here and made plans for her to live with you - so he needs to handle the consequences.
Whatever you do - don't let her move back in with you! You had a lucky escape there.

You don't need to give anyone 'notice' that you will no longer be at her service
Any issues - she can ring dh direct so he has to deal with her
Don't answer the phone,door,texts if you don't want to.

Use her for childcare to keep her occupied so you can have downtime.
Stop chauffering her about - tell her she can shop online if she won't go out by herself.
STOP letting her manipulate you...which means you can feel bad for saying 'no' and risking 'family drama' but you stay firm.

.

Turn all phones to silent when you go to bed?

As you're in London is there any chance of getting her enrolled on some educational course? Is she interested in painting or creative writing? Her days sound empty and she needs to fill it (note she, not you) in order to preserve your sanity.

Dontmindme - I do get some time in the day now that the DC are in school. We had 4 DC with roughly 2 year gaps between them and I never wanted to use nannies etc, so I did have at least one pre-schooler with me at all times for overs decade. So I really value my time now.
I'm still busy with the kids and all their stuff though.
You're right, DH is not of the domestic mindset at all. He has lots of energy for the kids though when he's home. I don't mind him doing all his running, boxing, whatever hobbies because at least he doesn't bring stress into the house when he is home.

Scary - a course or something would be brilliant for MIL, if she doesn't scare them all off! Thank you.

I totally agree she should pass on her heritage to her GC. Since people nowadays can't remember anything she should write a cookbook and a family history. In her own home. With a pen. Preferably thick books that take ages to write

chinny great idea 😆

Is there a WI she could join?? Or a posher version that may appeal more?!

Oh my god....how have you let this get so bad....you need to be busy every Saturday morning...take kids to cinema or soft play..let her cook the food at her house?... in fact better still,MOVE the fuck away from.she will destroy your relationship with yr dh.given the chance

Hi OP, yes, regarding Dementia/Alzheimer's, this is not unusual. Now that you are aware, that it is a possibility, you will notice more.
Her behaviour is slightly off key, and suggestive of either.

Chinny

Btw she is here now. It's actually not as dire as it sounds as I need to take DD to her singing lesson, so at least I don't have to drag the little one with me. So she can be useful occasionally (just to completely contradict myself).

At least she knocked. DH gave her a key "for emergencies" and also with the words "my home is your home". Give me strength!

Thankyou for helping me step back a bit and see things as they are. I do not want her to drive a wedge between DH and I, that's for sure.

I must admit, the idea of early onset dementia ran in my mind as well. Her behaviour doesn't seem normal.

On a practical note I'd get her one of those panic alarms and tell her to ring that if she fears there are burglars as they can reach the police much more quickly than you can. Tell her that you are worried about DH's health being woken up in the night - this perhaps may give her pause for thought. Also my parents have a health button thing from Age concern so if they fall in the house or if they have it on, again they can get help instantly.

I think you'll need to start making this DH's problem as well. I would express concern for MILs wellbeing - as indeed you have done, as this behaviour seems excessive. I'd stop having meals prepared for when he comes home - you didn't have time as had to go to MILs. In moments when he is relaxing you can sit suddenly bolt upright and say how worried you are about MIL and perhaps he should call her right now.

On Sunday mornings, say that he needs to stay home as MIL is teaching you how to cook because she is so dreadfully lonely on her own, and someone really needs to help the DCs with their homework.

At the minute it's not a problem to him because you're the one handling it and with the mi casa nonsense he's clearly showing that he's the one expecting to dictate terms on this. You need to make his life uncomfortable too - so he's onboard with any plans to make MIL more independent or indeed get an assessment if that is needed.

Then as others have said, once you've given MIL the tools like the panic button etc. simply become less accessible. Do not answer her first calls - she'll probably end up calling your DH then so he can see how frequently she calls.

Offer her regular visits as others have said - so one day perhaps a week and one weekend visit, but try to cut down on the other contacts as it's too much for you.

What Rook says

Very good advice Rook.

Rook - thankyou for you post. It did get me thinking - love the idea of sitting bolt upright when DH is relaxing

He's not too bad really, very kind and loving actually, though he does expect me to cook for him. I know not all men are like this, but he does do a lot for me in other ways. He's always played rugby so can't see that changing either.

The thing that makes me wonder about dementia is MIL's behaviour around her jewellery. She's always putting it in different boxes and going on about it. Last night I told DH to get the boxes off her and bring them here if he could because she seems so paranoid about them. He said he would have to be very careful about that as its stuff his father would have bought for her.

Anyway she's gone home. I gave her lasagne because I'm only doing kids food this week. DS1 offered to walk her down the road as it was dark. He's 13 even he knows what she's like. So I watched them down the road.

Anyway tomorrow is another day.

DH sounds as crazy as MIL!

She doesn't sound demented to me. My MIL is also Persian and plays the same game - "you're like a daughter to me" is actually code for "I'm guilt tripping you in to not opposing me because can't you see I only want my own way and control of both of your lives because I love you so much". We also were expected over every Sunday with sulks and drama if we didn't attend, we also regularly have dramas and wild tales and my MIL is chronically incapable of not taking over the kitchen everywhere. I found it easier to back off and go out, have a run/bath whatever and let them get on with it. It's taken me ten years of living close to her to get my husband to see that she plays games and it sounds like your MIL is doing just the same!

Btw on the "culture" stuff, I've had that too but in many different forms including cooking. Absolutely unnecessary and she is welcome to cook or your DH can learn. This again is about controlling you and you'd be best off pushing back hard. With DH'a family I found that because there was never any open aggression it was very hard to defend my position without looking aggressive myself but you will have to stand up for yourself otherwise she will take over your life

I'm a SAHM since the eldest was born. DH is very patient with his mother, but to be fair, he's not the one dealing with her on a day to day basis.

I suggest you get a part time job or do some voluntary work and be less available for her.

I don't think she has dementia at all, she knows exactly what she's doing...got you all dancing to her tune. I think you had a lucky escape when she rejected the basement conversion. Your DH is letting you deal with her so he doesn't have to.

Boggis- wow 10 years of it! How did you get your DH to see it in the end?
Btw MIL is not Muslim - that's why they left Iran. She can get very hysterical and I think this is why everyone seems to tread on eggshells around her.
We never saw MIL or FIL that much previously as they were overseas.
I can't cope with 10 years of this. Something will have to be done. Yes it turned out for the best that she didn't end up in the basement, despite a total waste of time, effort and money in that.
Sandy - yes I'm trying to get back to work part time and trying to resist the guilt tripping in the process.